Intro Hi! Complex Feelings?

PhloriDaMom

*loss mentioned*

Hi All, I didn't see an intro topic, so my apologies if I'm out of line posting my own. I'm dipping my toe in the baby bump board water here... I signed up a few weeks ago with lots of questions and emotions looking for support, but there was a 4 day waiting period before I could post anything. So I got discouraged and didn't bother with this for a few weeks. Today something big happened, and my questions, excitement, (and belly!) are growing, so thought I'd give this another try.

My DH is 44. I'm 43, though I certainly don't feel a day past 35.

My first pregnancy was at 37 with my XH. Totally healthy and normal. Until 6.5 months. The US suddenly showed no heartbeat, and I had a stillbirth. I didn't even know what that was. My whole world crashed. I had 3 MC (very early "chemicals") in the next year. I had test after test after test. All normal.

Fast forward a few years...My DH and I tried for a year. We did IUI, but it didn't take. More tests. All normal. Unexplained infertility. We tried for 6 more months. Nothing. So we decided to do IVF. But the doctor discovered polyps, so we had to postpone. I was pissed that with all those tests, this check was never done! So, I had the polyps removed. We tried one more month to give my new smooth uterine lining a test drive, but no luck. I turned 43 the next month, so I said, that's it, time for IVF!

We had 7 eggs retrieved. 5 fertilized. 4 embryos made it to day 3. We transferred all 4 based on the doctor's recommendation for my age and OB history. It worked!!!! We were so excited to get a positive beta! But we've been cautiously awaiting the first US...

Today, we went in for the US at 6w5d. It was such a crazy mix of emotions!!! We were quite relieved to not see 4 or even 3 sacs, yet we were really sad not to see twins. AND we were elated to see our one healthy sized little bean with a strong heartbeat!!!!!!

So, is this normal--all of this "cautious excitement" and all of these complex and competing feelings?! How do you let yourself fully sink into the excitement and joy?

riveridgional

I believe it's totally normal what you're feeling. We also had a pang of disappointment when we found out we weren't having twins. My beta numbers were so high, we were given only a 15% chance of a singleton, which is what we have. Of course, that was quickly replaced with extreme joy and excitement for one! It's only natural to feel cautiously optimistic, especially given your background. I decided to let go as much as possible and allow myself to enjoy every moment of the pregnancy. I heard someone who had a loss say she regretted not enjoying the time she had while pregnant because she was nervous the whole time, and it resonated with me. The truth of the matter is we really just have no control over what will happen, so we need to try and live in and enjoy the present. 

Congrats to you, and I'm wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months!

tvh1982

^^^^ what she said!
Im very cautious too, yet over the moon. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, yet they are up all the time. 
So thought @riveridgional said it very well  

congrats and a happy and healthy 9 months!

KidShrink

Also fully agree with what @riveridgional said! I felt from day 1 we only had one in there, but DH was really hoping for twins and was disappointed, even though he was over the moon excited that we were finally expecting. I think fears will remain...they're par for the course, but it gets better as you go along. I personally got a doppler early on which helped a ton in reassuring me. I haven't used it much lately (I'm now 34 weeks) because all the movement is usually plenty reassuring. But a few days ago, baby was a little quieter than he had been, so I used it just to reassure myself all that was fine (it absolutely was, and I find that we go through cycles of little weight gain when there's lots of movement, followed by a few quieter days where I catch up on weight gain...growth spurt?). Dopplers are not for everyone though (some people will use them multiple times a day, which you don't want to do). Best of luck and a happy and healthy pregnancy to you!

mskeenan

Hey there !! Welcome ! It sounds like you have had a challenging road but I am so happy for your recent success ! As others said , I think those feelings are totally normal . We put so much effort to get pregnant and then when we get pregnant it's still scary . I thought I would get my BFP and just be happy and not worry about anything . Nope - despite telling myself to relax I am constantly thinking about how my little embryos are doing . 

Also - there is nothing wrong with your feeling of disappointment about it not being twins . I would the same way . But how exciting that you have a little one growing in there . That is truly amazing ! So glad you have joined this group . I look forward to hearing about your progress ! 

Piperella

Welcome!

*TW*
I can understand the disappointment of not having twins when transferring more than one embryo, but for different reasons.  I actually did become pregnant with twins, and had a full miscarriage of one at 6w2d.  I have to say that day has been etched in my mind and has been the scariest day of my life. My hcg levels were high, and we had an idea we might be having twins, but I didn't know until I had the miscarriage.  I really had to pull it together, and while I haven't forgotten what occurred, I am beyond thankful that I have one still that is growing and he's healthy.  That's what all of us want, and truly is the whole reasoning behind IVF... to have a healthy baby.  It is completely normal to have conflicting feelings... I was mourning the loss of one, while feeling complete joy that I still had one that had a heartbeat.  It was very hard emotionally to go through, and I still have times where I still feel like a mom of multiples, but I'm not anymore.  Maybe it would have been easier if it were a "vanishing" twin and not a complete mc. 

Sorry, I rambled a bit.  I'm very happy that IVF worked for you and that you are here now. Wishing you a very healthy and "normal" 9 months.

PhloriDaMom

riveridgional Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to hear you and the others  express similar mixed feelings. I feel less alone and more normal. The comment you heard about someone regretting not enjoying being pregnant really helps, too. Imagining being in the future looking back on the now and how I want to remember it all helps stop the worry in its tracks and shift my focus onto enjoying the moment. I don't want to look back on it all and see 9 months of worry! I would prefer to see a journey of growing excitement and joy and celebration of the process itself.  I might need to do that perspective exercise a few times over the next few days or weeks. Strangely, by adopting the view of the retrospect from the stance of the future might help me be more in the moment now! (and figuring out how to explain that last sentence just gave me a headache, lol!! hope it makes sense)  

PhloriDaMom

tvh1982 Thanks! Glad to know I'm not alone. It sounds like hopes outweigh fears. I'll focus on that! Nice to meet you  

PhloriDaMom

KidShrink Thanks for sharing. I have expressed all this to my DH, too. He felt the same mix as I did. It helps to hear that others, including our DHs go through this roller coaster. Of course, I wish the roller coaster doesn't exist for any of us, but knowing it is "par for the course" really helps adjust expectations and give ourselves permission to feel all these things for a bit. 

I'll have my DH look into the Doppler. I didn't have one before. I wonder if we are suited for it--we are brainy types and can overthink things!

PhloriDaMom

mskeenan Thanks for the support and encouragement! It is nice to meet you. Every time I hear someone say it's ok to be sad about no twins, but then emphasize the joy and excitement of being pregnant with one, the sadness fades and the joy rushes in! I am glad I posted. This is getting better already  

PhloriDaMom

Piperella I am sorry for your loss. I didn't think you rambled--you articulated a clear and helpful perspective....Thank you for sharing your experience and acknowledging the struggles and sorrows that this process can bring and yet for brining the focus back around to the real purpose of the process--to have a healthy baby.  

STBMrsMiller

Hi, nice to virtually meet you! I feel very much the same way and can say I'm in the same space, because I'm exactly where you're at in your pregnancy! 6w6d today with one. We had hoped to have more than one embryo to transfer for genetic siblings, now or in the future, but this will likely be our only child given what we had to work with. I tried to give in to excitement after our ultrasound on Monday instead of caution, and having lots of grandparent excitement has helped.

ETA: everything after an emoji fail

PhloriDaMom

STBMrsMiller Nice to virtually meet you, too! How awesome that we're on the exact same schedule  Thanks for sharing your experience. Yes, I am finding that each time we share with a close relative or friend, their excitement becomes contagious and helps us more fully experience the excitement ourselves.