What would you do in this situation? *trigger warning, loss mentioned* — The Bump
January 2016 Moms

What would you do in this situation? *trigger warning, loss mentioned*

maureenmcemaureenmce member
edited March 2016 in January 2016 Moms
I would love some advice - our dear, dear friends suffered a miscarriage of twins back in late December.  It was an early loss and we had been one of the few people they had told.  We were so excited because we were thinking since our babies would be relatively close in age they would go to the same daycare and we had made plans for the future.  We were, of course, heartbroken for them when they lost the twins, but between my sciatic nerve pain making me basically house bound at the end of my pregnancy, and the baby being born/craziness of the newborn stage, we actually haven't seen them since their loss.  They're coming over this weekend to meet the baby and for us to catch up and I am not sure how to navigate the subject.  Do I bring it up?  Do I wait for them to bring it up related to "how are you guys doing" or something general like that that gives them the option to talk about it or not?  The way they left things in our last email on the subject was them saying that they're trying to shift their focus to the good in their lives and that it's still hard for them to talk about.  With respect to that, my instinct is to *not* bring it up, but I know from other people I've known who have suffered miscarriages, they have felt like their loss was ignored or that they were hurt that people didn't acknowledge it.  And also, that's how they felt right after it happened.  It's been about three months and I don't know, I just feel unsure about how to proceed.  Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

And one more thing - I think it's too late for a card, is that right?  We communicated immediately over the phone, with email and text, and I definitely expressed my sympathies, but not in a formal card.  Again, it's been a while, I don't want to dredge up anything painful, but I do want to show them my love and for them to know I've been thinking about them and their loss.  

Re: What would you do in this situation? *trigger warning, loss mentioned*

  • I am so very sorry for their loss. Losing a child is not easy. I miscarried in 2011 (baby would be 4 years old this month :neutral: 
    Speaking from experience, I absolutely did not like when people brought up my loss specifically. Mainly because I would cry at the mention of my baby for about a year after my loss. I felt much better when someone would ask how I was doing accompanied by a genuine hug. I felt relief knowing my closest friends were ready to talk and lend me their shoulder when I was ready. I could sort of keep my emotions in check when I brought it up. 
    I don't know if this will help you at all. It's never easy and it seems like, no matter what, you are walking on egg shells. Did they initiate this visit? It's a huge step for them either way. I think the best thing you can do is to let her (and him because Dad's have feeling too, although DH hid is extremely well!) know you are there for her if and when she needs!
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Lilypie - FiGB
    Married DH 11/15/08
    Formerly MissMheMhe
    andimegie325l4rkmaureenmce
  • 100% what @MissMheMhe said; I would let them bring up the topic for discussion. And maybe it's different for your relationship, but someone gave us a card after we "came out" about our multiple losses and I was very upset by it, and kind of offended. It felt like a dismissal, as if the loss was being acknowledged, but it wasn't worth taking about in person... "There, we recognized it, now let's move on." 

    8 Years
    2 Miscarriages
    2 Ectopic Pregnancies
    1 Round of Clomid
    1 Fresh IVF Cycle
    1 Bean and 5 Frosties!
    maureenmceHipshaker
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  • Let them bring it up. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is not talk about it, give them a sense of normalcy. That's what i needed after my miscarriage. 
    maureenmceHipshaker
  • cyanopecyanope member
    edited March 2016
    Everything that has been said by PP's. Don't bring it up, but allow them to have the opportunity to talk about it. Only close family members knew about my loss, and I would get upset when they pretended like it never happened, but also upset if they tried to talk about it too nonchalantly. It's a weird balance of wanting acknowledgement of the life that was lost, but not wanting people to talk about it like they would the weather. I like the idea of a nice hug, and a genuine, "how are you really doing?" That way, they have the opportunity to talk about it if they want to. Plus, your friend will feel your genuine empathy, which will also go a long way. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. 
    Jan18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies

    **TW**
    BFP #1: 12/1/14 said goodbye 1/2/15
    BFP #2: 5/5/15
    EDD: 1/15/16
    Wren Marie born 1/7/16
    BFP #3 4/26/17
    EDD: 12/30/17
    maureenmce
  • mrsncmrsnc member
    After my miscarriage, I only told close family. And honestly I only wanted to talk about it with DH for at least 6 months. Now I've come to terms with it and will discuss it, a year and a half later. I agree with PP, don't bring it up. Everyone goes through the grieving process differently and you have no way of knowing how they are coping. I think the best thing you could do is let them know you're there for them. 

    andimegie325 said:
    100% what @MissMheMhe said; I would let them bring up the topic for discussion. And maybe it's different for your relationship, but someone gave us a card after we "came out" about our multiple losses and I was very upset by it, and kind of offended. It felt like a dismissal, as if the loss was being acknowledged, but it wasn't worth taking about in person... "There, we recognized it, now let's move on." 
    And this, I thinks cards are actually too formal and stiff for a situation like this. If they bring it up, chances are they will want to share their emotions not have a stagnant display of condolences via card. 
    maureenmce
  • After my loss, I found it was nice for close friends to check in. One day, about two months after the loss, I visited a friend and her baby. As I was leaving she handed me a card. The card was beautiful, full of empathy, and showcased her support. It was nice to have a normal visit where we did not discuss the loss and then read about how much she loved and supported us. 
    maureenmceHipshaker
  • It sounds like they did bring it up in the email by saying they don't need to talk about it. I wouldn't mention it or the fact that you guys haven't gotten together in a while. Part of having great friends is that you can go long periods of time without seeing each other.  
    Married 2006
    DS1 2010
    DS2 2013
    DD1 2016
    maureenmceChrissyD1203Hipshaker
  • Thanks so much for the feedback, especially those of you who have had a miscarriage yourselves.  I'm so sorry for your losses.  I won't bring it up, but I'll definitely give them big hugs and ask them how they are in a way that will give them an opportunity to talk about it if they want.  I should've mentioned that their little 2.5 year old daughter will probably be with them, so I definitely think I won't mention it unless they do.  I don't know what they've told her exactly and she's very smart and observant - I don't want to create any kind of difficult situation for them at all.  Again, thanks so much for your thoughts on this tough subject.
    MissMheMhe
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