How is everyone doing? Check-in

AL_TwinCities

We do check-ins on TTCAL but don't have a place for those who aren't TTC. How is everyone doing? 

Are you currently going through a loss or have you past the physical part now? How are things going with your SO? Are you getting the support you need from friends and family? How are you doing emotionally and physically? Any questions or anything we can help you with?

MooFish2364

Thanks for asking how we are all doing. Sometimes it's just nice to hear people ask if you are ok. I had my d&c a week ago for a missed miscarriage. While my body is healing well emotionally I still have a ways to go. It seems to be getting better and easier every day; except for the random overwhelming sadness and the crying that comes along with it. We only told our mothers and one close friend. It's hard because the friend that I told happens to be pregnant and her baby shower is this coming weekend. I want to be there to support and celebrate with her but I'm worried how I'm going to feel. Not only is she pregnant but so are a few other women who will be there. Wish me luck

yolandamunoz

Hi all

I had a D&C on Feb 5th, physically I feel fine, bleeding stopped some days ago, and my energy levels are closer to normal.

A couple of days ago I even felt my regular ovulatory pain. This matches the dates if I count my D&C as the beggining of a new cycle. This made me so emotional though, I started crying as soon as I arrived home. I guess it was a reminder that I'm not pregnant... I just felt so sad.

My husband has been very supportive with me. I think he deals with his grief in a very different way (video games  ) but he is very kind and understanding. He deals with everything when I am this emotional (like cooking, cleaning, dog walking) and I really appreciate him for this.

Tomorrow I have a checkup with my OBGYN, I will let you know how it goes.

@AL_twincities thanks for starting this thread!!

-Y-

Becid24

I'm now 4months after d&c for an 8w4d missed miscarriage. I'm struggling big time. I want another baby soo bad and my husband says absolutely not. He never connected with the pregnancy we lost as he was working a ton of ot at work and said its not like we were trying. I have wanted a baby for 2+yrs and the miracle we got pregnant with only sealed the deal my heart is not done building our family. I'm trying really hard to Come to terms with the end of my fertility. But no matter what I do I'm reminded what I don't have anymore and what I want so bad. Even cartoons seem to be having babies right now.:(

BrightenMySky

@AL_TwinCities thank you for starting this thread, I was wondering if something like this would be welcome here and am so glad for this space.  

I had a d&c 3 weeks ago today, but I continue to have retained material (ER 5 days after the procedure & was prescribed cytotec, appointment w/my RE last week showed there is still some remaining).  I feel like my body just cannot let this pregnancy go.  Yesterday I did a kickboxing video with DH and it was good to move around (and punch!).  I also had acupuncture this morning for the first time since my loss (I had been doing it with fertility treatments and in early pregnancy), and I was glad to be back and the treatment felt good.  

Emotionally, I am still a mess.  I feel like I am not well-equipped to handle speedbumps in other things (like I stupidly bought a gift certificate from the wrong spa as a bday gift for my SIL, so now I'm trying to deal with that).  DH has been such a support for me.  He is very frank that he did not have the bond that I did with our baby, but I also think he is coming to an understanding of how I saw the baby and the pregnancy and where I am, and even if he does not fully understand, he knows that my feelings are valid.  

Friends, I'm feeling so so.  My MIL and one friend sent me condolence cards, and that was so lovely.  I wish more friends did that.  I am also telling a few close friends who I hadn't told about the pregnancy but want to tell about this whole experience, and I have a lot of thoughts about the stigma of early loss and why we wait to announce...I may do a separate post on that, as this one is already turning into a novel.

BrightenMySky

And I have to add that Girl Scout cookies are a big part of my self care, for better or worse.  Right now I have an open box of tagalongs on my desk.  Yesterday I did some sewing projects w/thin mints.  

ETA sewing projects while eating thin mints, I wasn't sewing the thin mints!

roxgibbons

@AL_TwinCities I really appreciate you starting this thread- I had a D&C last Wednesday after being diagnosed with a MMC last Tuesday @ 10 w 2 days. Physically I am fine and doing well, so hopefully that keeps up. From an emotional perspective I am still very down. I'm trying to get back into a routine but I'll be driving and I start sobbing, or yesterday I went to the store and I start choking up. I get triggered by my thoughts and seeing people- a flashback to last week when all was still good, or seeing a pregnant person (I swear I was surrounded by them at the store yesterday). My heart is so  broken and I am just so sad. We considered this little one our little miracle as we conceived naturally after two unsuccessful IUIs and a year of trying. We felt so lucky and in a blink of an eye, that all changed.

My DH has been my rock. This was his first child. I have two from my previous marriage and I get the "at least you have two kids" quite a bit.  I get very hurt when I hear that as this baby was loved and very much wanted by both of us. My DH was so happy he was going to be a dad.  He was excited and I was so happy for us to go through the process together. I'm so sad for him as well.

I am back at work today for the first time today. It's been rough but I'm getting in the swing of things.  My boss was very understanding and kind and mentioned for me to do what I need to do. Her compassion helped a lot.

As for friends and family, for the most part they have been very supportive. Some have not said too much and just disappeared after the initial news. Some have said things that haven't been helpful, but I know in the end it comes from a good place- they just don't know what to say. 

It's really moment to moment right now. The support from this board has helped me very much and I appreciate all the support and kind words.

yolandamunoz

I was going to say that I have been allowing myself to eat comfort food. I just don't feel like diet and salads. I know I have 4 extra pounds since getting pregnant, but I don't have the will or strength to try to lose them any time soon. 

I hope to go back to excercise soon, after my checkup if everything's fine after my D&C. Maybe then!

p.s. @BrightenMySky sewing thin mints LoL!!!

yolandamunoz

@Becid24 I am so sorry for your struggles. I am not in your position but I wish you & DH can find peace of mind and can agree on how to face this new stage of your family life.

Maybe you can go to a counselor together & you can talk things out about your wishes to keep trying to have babies. 

I wish you the best!
hugs.
-Y-

BrightenMySky

@MooFish2364 good luck with the shower.  Be extra kind and gentle with yourself.  If you don't feel like going, I am sure your friend will understand--just because you sit this one out does not mean you are not supporting her or are not a good friend.  And if you end up going and decide to leave early, that is totally fine, too.  

iceandsnowflakes29

I have a question and don't feel it warrants a start of a new post. Did anyone deal with horrible staff and nurses during a d&c? I'm weighing out pros and cons of a natural miscarriage vs a d&c... I read all the posts at the top that compares the two, as well as cytotec, and although going through the physical process at home sounds more daunting than a quick procedure, I don't know if I could handle a bitchy nurse at a hospital. I can barely tolerate them at the dr office...at least doing this at home would mean I would be at home...

BrightenMySky

@iceandsnowflakes29 I had a real mix of staff and nurses.  The nurse who did everything before my procedure was just weird (and not very compassionate), as was the nurse who did my vitals and IV when I first got taken back.  Plus, my OB practice was generally horrible in most ways.  However, the nurses in the recovery room when I woke up and who took care of me when I went back to a room afterwards were much better.  My RE has been very helpful, the midwife group I wanted to transfer to has been kind (for the most part, one big exception), and almost everyone when I had to go to the ER for retained tissue was compassionate.  I mean, is it really so hard to say "this must be really difficult for you, I'm sorry," rather than, "this happens all the time"?  First was the ER doc I saw, second was my OB right after we found out!

For me, the d&c was definitely not easy, but I think I would still choose it again (I hope to never be in this situation again, of course).  Although obviously if I have scarring or other serious complications, I may think differently, but even if you go natural or cytotec, you may still need a d&c, so it's really hard to know how things will turn out and yet another thing on this journey that can be out of our control.  I wanted it to be over quickly, and I wanted fewer memories of the entire process.  However, I still had retained tissue, so 3-weeks post-d&c, I'm still not totally done, and I ended up having to do cytotec after the d&c.  The cytotec was probably much easier, physically, because I had already had the d&c and was already very crampy (I was basically having contractions but not dilated at all), but it was very difficult for me, emotionally, to give myself the pills.  I knew I could not wait for things to happen naturally, because my baby had likely died several weeks before we found out, and the thought of waiting longer was really terrifying for me, although the idea of things happening naturally was appealing.  The d&c also meant I could have the remains tested--you may be able to do this if it happens at home, I don't really know--and we did have a chromosomal abnormality.  Getting that information for me was like knowing the cause of death, and it did not give me closure, but it gave me another piece of information, although you will not always get an answer from this testing.  I also found out the sex of my baby from the testing, which was emotionally difficult, but I think ultimately I am glad to know (although my OB didn't ask if I wanted to know before telling me...see my first paragraph, ugh).  Anyway, sorry for rambling, I am sure others will share their experiences.  

iceandsnowflakes29

@BrightenMySky  oh I'm so sorry I did not mean to imply a d&c is easier. That was stupid of me. My apologies. Quicker would have been a better word, although in your case it sounds like it was still dragged out. I certainly could not handle knowing the sex, just, OMG. I'm sorry your OB just blurted that out! 

I have had 2 chemical pregnancies  (one verified with blood work ) and the second one I did not bother getting documented.  Those losses although, devastating, ended a few days after a missed period and were much like a heavy period. 

My third loss was ectopic  (removed with surgery) however, it had a heartbeat  That loss, I didn't realize I was pregnant and found out it was ectopic within hours of discovering I was pregnant. 

This loss is the latest loss (gestationally ) with the exception of the ectopic so, I really do not know what to expect.  

With the ectopic, they put me in the mother /baby unit to recover, which was horrible because I could hear other women's babies' heartbeats via the fetal monitors and thin walls. And my nurses kept leaving to assist in deliveries. It was salt on a wound for sure, another reason avoiding a hospital setting sounds appealing...

BrightenMySky

@iceandsnowflakes29 I totally did not mean to call out your wording.  You totally did not upset me, please do not think that you did.  I had just been thinking that a big part of why I chose the d&c was because it was the more quick and painless option (physically painless, at least), but it wasn't exactly that way for me (and I was also thinking of easy as a synonym for physically quick).  Sending you so many hugs.  

On your point about the recovery...my d&c was outpatient at a hospital, so I was in the area where all the people doing outpatient procedures were, not mother/baby or labor and delivery, that sounds terrible and I am sorry you went through that.  I have also heard that some OBs will do a d&c in their offices, although maybe without general anesthesia, so it's just another thing to consider.  

AL_TwinCities

@MooFish2364 good luck with the shower. Please be good to yourself - don't feel bad if you decide to leave early. 

@yolandamunoz I hope you have a good appointment tomorrow! My DH deals very differently than me too, and as much as I wish I could know how he was actually feeling, it can be helpful to have him more capable when I am depressed!

@becid24 I'm so sorry your DH doesn't want to start trying. I hope you can get to a better place and that you can get on the same page. Hugs!

@brightenmysky I'm glad you have some friends who have been helpful. It sucks that most people just don't know what to say or do, so they do nothing and say nothing. It definitely is part of the reason why we personally won't ever share a pregnancy publicly until well into the 2nd trimester (assuming we are lucky enough to get there someday).

@roxgibbons loss is even more painful when the potential to conceive again seems so low. It took my DH and me 15 months to conceive after our first loss, and now I am terrified it will take that long again, or who knows if this will ever happen. You aren't alone, and it's completely understandable to feel so down right now. Sending positive, healing thoughts to you.

@iceandsnowflakes29 I miscarried naturally at home, and while it was a long, drawn out and very painful process, I really think it helped me to process the emotional pain of the loss. I would do it the same way if I could go back. I have heard ladies say the same thing about a D&C too, just want to offer another opinion.

Well I'm glad this thread was helpful to some! I often wonder how we can help each other more on this board - maybe we can do a check-in thread every week or so? I am doing as well as can be expected I guess. It has been 5 weeks since my second loss, and while some things are better (mostly physically), I am still tired all the time and just want to be a hermit. At church this weekend there were so many new babies and pregnant women - by the end of Sunday I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I want to schedule my tattoo to honor this loss soon - it would be nice to have that to look forward to.

BrightenMySky

@AL_TwinCities I definitely identify with your "hermit" comment.  I am not particularly religious, but I am Jewish and we try to go to synagogue on Saturday mornings at least once a month.  Last month (a week or two before our loss) we were there, and there was a baby naming...I am almost cried just because of how much I was looking forward to this baby.  I don't know how I can possibly go now and keep it together.  

MooFish2364

Thank you for the support and kind words! My friend has also had a mc so she knows what it's like and is very sympathetic to everything I'm going through which is really nice. I'm going to try to not put any expectations on myself and just go with the flow. 

ThePax89

I'm going to be honest...I'm feeling shitty. Grief blows. It's absolutely awful. I've never really grieved before. And now I'm grieving my second lost pregnancy occurring just ten weeks apart. I'm angry. Absolutely infuriated. I want to get pregnant again so that the pain stops. So that the hole through my body, visible from outer space, is healed. 

I'm benched from ttc for a bit. Im waiting on my POC genetic samples test and am hoping to find out the cause of death and sex of my sweet little love. 

AL_TwinCities

Hugs @ThePax89 - grief can feel like drowning. I hope your results come soon. I think knowing the sex would have helped me a lot. Thinking of you!

roshelle829

It's been 17 days since I saw my baby on a US without a heartbeat. It's been 4 days since I experienced a natural mc at home. The physical pain of it has improved, but I still have some ways to go as far as the emotional pain is concerned. I have moments when my husband and almost 2 year old daughter really lift my spirits yet I still have my moments when I have to urge myself to get out of bed. I agree, it's difficult having to spend time around anyone who's expecting or anyone who has just recently had a baby. (one SIL is expecting her 2nd child and my brother and his wife just had twins!! ) Right now, I don't have the emotional strength to be around them. I will eventually, but I just need some time.

As far as trying again...my husband and I really aren't sure if we're going to. I've had so many odds against me in trying to get pregnant (epilepsy, medication complications, PCOS) I honestly never thought I would have a child. We were so blessed when we had our happy, healthy daughter nearly 2 years ago. If I have to experience what I've gone through over the past several weeks all over again, I'm not sure I can survive it again. I'm seriously considering discussing permanent birth control options with my OB once I've fully recovered from this mc and my husband supports it.

zrain

I'm 13 days out from having a natural miscarriage at home.

Physically I'm fine. I stopped bleeding/spotting after 6 days and I haven't had any cramping since the miscarriage itself. I've just started getting back into exercising the last couple days after being a sloth for a week. 

Emotionally I'm doing pretty well at the moment, but it fluctuates wildly. Sometimes I feel almost normal, and other times I'm curled up in a ball sobbing. At least I seem to have snapped out of having no emotions at all. DH seems to be doing alright. My first day back at work was great. My coworkers were very supportive and no one said anything weird or offensive. Most of them knew because of what I posted on Facebook. Besides going to work Sunday and today I've been a hermit too. I just don't have the energy to be social and make small talk and all that. I barely have the energy to get things done around the house, but I'm slowly getting better at it. 

I'm too exhausted after working 12 hours to write responses tonight, but I'll make time tomorrow. Hugs to everyone.

BrightenMySky

Today was rough.  I went back to the RE for my second HCG blood draw.  That was tough because it was my first time going back for monitoring since the loss (my clinic is drop in 7:30-9:30, so I wake up early and get it all done before work), and it was just a reminder of all the early wake ups and walks to the clinic I have in store for me.  At least it will be getting lighter in the mornings so I won't be walking in the dark soon.  And then also tough because my beta is still fairly high (651, was 1072 last week), so I feel like the road back to this physically being over is still long and uncertain.  

And then I overdid it at work, did not take time to take care of myself.  Late afternoon I felt overwhelmed and broken.  You know how you have to stay ahead of your pain when you have physical pain and are taking painkillers?  That's how it felt, but with emotional pain.  Like I didn't stay on top of it and it all just came down on me.  

Thanks for reading and hugs.

roxgibbons

I'm so sorry @BrightenMySky. I hope you had a better day today. I know this is so much to deal with- I completely understand. I feel the same way. Hugs to you.

BrightenMySky

Thanks @roxgibbons today was better.  I left work early enough to see my husband before he went out for a meeting, then I did a dance video.  Rest of the evening will be seeing if anything appeals for dinner and relax.

zrain

@MooFish2364 I'm glad your body is doing well at least. The emotional part will come eventually. Be kind to yourself and know that we're all doing the random crying thing. It all comes in waves. I hope the shower goes well, and I hope you can excuse yourself if you find you really need to

@yolandamunoz My DH has been playing a toooon of video games the last few weeks. I never made that connection but I think he might be doing the same thing as yours. I'm glad you DH is being kind and supportive. How did you OB/gyn appointment go?

@Becid24 I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. It seems like for a lot of women, myself included, there's this feeling of need to be pregnant again after a miscarriage. I hope that with time you can talk things out with your DH and figure something out.

@BrightenMySky I'm sorry your body still isn't cooperating. Maybe the acupuncture will help? I feel you on not being able to handle other things. I'm so forgetful and scatterbrained since our loss. And yay for Girl Scout cookies! I've been avoiding so far, but since they've proven to be an effective self-care method I may have to indulge...

@roxigibbons I hate when people say "at least" anything in regards to a loss. It completely minimizes the life that you lost and that you had a baby for a short while that was loved. Never mind anything else in your life, your baby was important and loved and I'm so sorry that people aren't recognizing that. I'm glad that your boss has been compassionate. It's so hard to step back into the real world after going through (well, still going through in a way) such a difficult thing.

@iceandsnowflakes29 First of all, I am so sorry for your losses. I was so sad to see you hear after reading about your previous loss in January. I didn't have a D&C and miscarried at home so I can't tell you about staff, but honestly that was a little part of why I wanted a natural miscarriage at home. I very much wanted to be alone with my grief and didn't want to have to interact with anyone, partly because it just felt too hard to be social and partly because I didn't want to deal with insensitive people. I'm a nurse and love being compassionate and caring and supportive for my patients, but not everyone is. Sometimes I wonder why some people become doctors and nurses if they're so grumpy. They may also just not know what to say or do and end up being offensive. Anyway, I felt so much more comfortable at home by myself where I could cry and moan and do whatever I needed to to get through it, and I wouldn't change a thing. It was intense and lasted 8 hours, but I feel like it was the right thing for me and gave me some closure. Everyone is different, so choose whatever feels like it will be the most comfortable for you.

@AL_TwinCities I like the idea of a weekly check-in. I've been seeing pregnant ladies and babies everywhere too. I wonder if they were always there we're noticing them more or if there is really a big increase in babies that for whatever cruel reason we don't get to be a part of. I get angry and sad whenever I see them, not at the baby or mama herself, but just in a general sort of way that I don't have that anymore. I hope you can get in for your tattoo soon. They are so therapeutic. I look at mine every day when I get dressed and it makes me happy to think about the wonderful 4 weeks I had with my baby

@ThePax89 Going through this is just so hard. I too have angry days where I just feel this generalized rage that I'm not pregnant anymore and that my baby had to die. I know this has nothing to do with fairness, but I can't help but be angry at how unfair it all is. I hope you're able to find little things to break the grief every once in a while, and I hope you get some answers soon. *hug*

@roshelle829 I'm glad you have your DH and daughter to help you through this. I too have trouble getting up and moving sometimes and seeing pregnant ladies and babies. I'm hoping all of that will get easier with time. And I'm glad that you're waiting until you're doing better emotionally before making any permanent decisions. I'm sorry you're going through this *hug*

@BrightenMySky My goodness, I'm sorry the healing process is so long and drawn out for you. Did they have any insight as to why it's still high? I hope things start working themselves out so you can move forward. I'm glad you realized what you need to do to keep from overdoing it. It's easy to get caught up in what you're doing and shove all your feelings aside, but they always end up creeping back in later and making it harder. I'm glad yesterday was better. Take care of yourself

edited because I spelled someone's name wrong

yolandamunoz

Hi all

my OBGYN appointment went well, my tests were ok and everything seems normal. I even had ovulation happen these past days. So I can resume my usual excercise and he recommended wait for 2 more periods until we TTC again.

Phisically I'm fine, I guess. Emotionally it's a roller coaster. If I talk about it I get emotional and cry, and I will remember before going to bed and will cry again. Just now I was on a bus and had someone say something mean to me and i just started crying there on the street. I had to come home immediately and missed my choir rehearsal. So I'm getting better but definetely "not ok" and that is fine.

@zrain I guess the video games help guys get distracted from reality, focus on something else and that is their way to deal with grief. I just hope this won't turn into an addiction! So far I guess it's under control.

Hugs
-Y-

BrightenMySky

I got a haircut today and it was nice.  I had been needing a cut, and was kind of thinking a blow out for a little change of pace might be nice (hair is super curly), but I didn't want to have to make small talk with the person doing my hair.  I decided just to go today.  And she did ask me if I had kids and if I wanted them, so I told her about our loss.  And it was fine.  Maybe I like telling strangers about it to acknowledge it?  And I feel good with my glamorous hair.  

roxgibbons

I've been thinking about doing something different with my hair too Just to switch it up. I'm glad you got it done and did something nice for yourself and more importantly that you feel good.
I understand about the logic of talking about your loss. I had a sort of similar situation today, but didn't tell a stranger. I told my co-worker who has been out on paternity leave since early January.  We both came back to work the same day and I've pretty much ignored him since then which is awkward since I sit right next to him.  I didn't want to hear about his baby and all his happiness. I am happy for them but I just can't right now. I took him aside today and  told him why I've been so quiet and keeping to myself. I told him some of our group knew and I wanted to let him know so he was in the loop of what was going on with me. He said he was wondering what was going on and appreciated my honesty and was very sorry for our loss. It felt good to get it out there and to talk about it and ignore the stigma of discussing miscarriage.  

zrain

@BrightenMySky and @roxgibbons I like telling people about my loss too. I feel like it's therapeutic to me to acknowledge it and be open about it, and I feel like I'm doing some little part to decrease the stigma and awkwardness around miscarriage every time I tell someone. I mean, I don't go around telling random strangers, but it feels at all appropriate I bring it up because it's a big part of my life right now.

BrightenMySky

@zrain I have had moments where I pass a random stranger and think "maybe I should tell them," but I know that's over the top (and unlikely to be therapeutic).  But acknowledging and being open helps a lot.  I think that's why it can hurt when I see people for the first time after me or my hubs telling them about the loss over phone/email don't bring it up.

mommy2owl

I just want to thank all of you for sharing your struggle. I really don't know what to say other than I feel for you all. I miscarried naturally yesterday and I had always felt for those who had lost, and said I couldn't imagine their pain. It helps to know that others are going through this and we share a lot of the same thoughts and emotions. 

AL_TwinCities

@mommy2owl I hope you are doing okay- the first few days after miscarriage can be so rough emotionally. I agree - I've found it strangely comforting to know that I'm not alone in these feelings and struggles. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I'm so sorry you all are here as well, but it does help to connect with others who know how I feel, because so many people in my life can't even imagine and just don't know what to say.

iceandsnowflakes29

Sorry, I need somewhere to vent. I was doing OK. 

I felt like I was coping pretty darn good all things considered. I even felt at peace, you might say. 3 years ago my dad died and I am working through grief the same way I did when he died. Very matter of factly. When he died, I cleaned his house, packed up his belongings, settled his affairs, planned his funeral, etc. I vaccumed and scrubbed his apartment top to bottom. 

Recently I have been stocking up on pads, cleaning my bathrooms  (figuring I will be spending most of my time in there) and just generally nesting my way through the grief. 

And I was felt fine. 


Until a pregnant stranger complained about the size of her belly and now I ache to be that big with a baby kicking me in the ribs. I even laughed at her jokes. And now I am home and a crying mess. 

FiancB

@MooFish2364 don't feel bad about skipping the baby shower if you need to. She'll understand. I have a hard time with them too and just send a gift. 

@yolandamunoz I'm glad you're doing okay and things are starting to get back to normal. MH is all about the video games as well. I guess my thing is this. I hear you on the comfort food, too. 

@Becid I'm so sorry. I'm in a very similar boat at the moment. I hope your husband comes around or at least is more understanding. 

@BrightenMySky yesss to tagalongs. Whatever works. I also have mixed feelings about early announcements. Hairdressers can be great therapists. 

@roxgibbons I'm so glad you mostly have good support. There definitely are the people that just disappear. 

@iceandsnowflakes29 I am very lucky that I had wonderful staff. I get the sense that the surgery center I went to does a ton of D&Es, pretty sure there was at least one other woman there at the same time as me. The nurse that started my IV did a great job with that, the anesthetist was assuring to me and explained what drugs and stuff he was giving me, and my post-op nurse gave me a hug when I started crying. As a nursing student, I get really angry when I hear about bitchy nurses, but I do feel that they are getting fewer and further in between as that kind of behavior is more and more discouraged. Best of luck. I'm not sure what I'd choose next time either, but probably still D&E under similar circumstances. Recovery wasn't as quick as I felt I'd been led to believe by my OB, so there's that. And I'm so sorry about that comment- I know nothing's meant by it and that pregnancy is uncomfortable, but hearing a pregnant lady bitch about something pretty minor is just awful. 

@AL_TwinCities I'm looking forward to seeing your new tattoo. Where do you go? I have noticed I'm quite the hermit lately, too. I don't go upstairs to see H's family with him anymore, and even in class I pick a table where I can sit by myself. I'm just so lost in my own head. 

@ThePax89 I'm so sorry. The anger is the worst I think. Best of luck with the test results. 

@roshelle829 I'm sorry you dealt with so much even before the loss. It's an extra kick to the gut. 

@zrain I don't really have anything to add, but hugs. 

@mommy2owl I'm so sorry you're here. I felt similarly. I had friends and family that had had losses, but experiencing one yourself is just a whole different animal. 

I had a bad day yesterday. It's my third cycle and I'm getting BFNs so I can expect my period to get here Saturday or Sunday. Up til now, H has been great and supportive, but I was upset over a lot of things last night and I think he lost his patience with me. He still looked pretty crabby this morning. We're going out with friends tonight, so hopefully that will put us both in a better mood. He's just still kind of more on the NTNP side of things and I am getting so frustrated with it. It's really the first time this whole mess has caused us to not get along. 

Honestly, I feel like I'm doing worse now than I did when this first happened. Found a MMC on 11/30, exactly a month after finding out I was pregnant, started bleeding the next day, had a follow up appointment a week later to confirm it was dead, then a D&E a few days after that. So not quite 3 months since it all happened. Apparently, I should be over it, but I'm not. 

iceandsnowflakes29

@FiancB  thank you for your kind words. I have had some wonderful nurses in the past and I have had some major whack jobs. My cousin is a nurse and was absolutely born with the disposition for it (she's very nurturing by nature). Anyway, I'm just fearful that with my luck this would be the time I would get another whack job. I will do the d&c if it comes to that. As for the pregnant lady belly comments, there is no way she could know. It was very innocent. It just took me off guard, I think. I'm still adjusting to all of this. Thank you for "talking" to me. I'm glad you had compassionate care during your d&e. 

BrightenMySky

@FiancB I have been wondering if there will be a point where I feel like I should be over it but I'm not.  But I don't think there needs to be a timeline.  And I don't expect to go back to how I was before this loss ever--and I don't want that, because I want there to always be a place in my heart for the baby I'll never get to meet.  Sending you hugs and give yourself time and space to grieve.  

And sending you hugs @iceandsnowflakes29.  I can't stand the complaints either.  When we were about to start fertility treatments we were visiting with my BIL/SIL, and she was saying how she hated being pregnant.  And now they just cannot figure out how not to have another right away (that was before our loss, but they knew at that point about the other struggles we have had on this journey).  While there is no way she could know in your case, miscarriage is so common I wish people would think a bit harder about being sensitive.  I get that people are entitled to complain, but for certain things they should be more sure about their audience.  I hope you can do something nice for yourself tonight/this weekend...nights this week that I've just come home and collapsed in tears, a shower and curling up in bed to watch TV have been good.  

iceandsnowflakes29

@BrightenMySky  (TW)



It took me 4 years to conceive my son and 2 losses and a year to conceive my second son. Complaints about pregnancy symptoms don't sit well with me in general because I've been pregnant and uncomfortable but, I was in tune to how fortunate I was, so I always used caution and took great care to not complain. I remember violently throwing up and literally saying "thank goodness" with each heave. Going through all this makes you much more aware... I guess. (ETA this is one reason my BMB wad a hard place to be, I desperately wanted to be sick as a dog). 

To clarify my background, this is my sixth pregnancy  but, fourth loss. 

On a separate note, my husband and I are thinking long and hard about being done ttc since we do have 2 children. I don't know that I can emotionally handle more losses. 

AL_TwinCities

Hugs @iceandsnowflakes29 ! Complaints from pregnant women are super hard for me too. I would love to have those complaints.

@FiancB I go to Port &Stbd in St Paul on Payne Ave. It's walking distance from my house and I really like them. We are out of town this weekend but I might go next weekend for the new tatt. If you're looking for a new place I'd recommend checking these guys out!

roshelle829

@zrain and @FiancB Thank you for your kind words.

I find it so much easier to talk about this here than anywhere else. My DH is still allowing me to move forward at a pace that's right for me and he doesn't push me about anything, which I love about him. My mother, on the other hand, is a completely different story...I'm not gonna talk about what she tells me because it would more than likely depress most of you, but the gist of it is basically "Snap out of it and move on!"

Believe me, I'm doing much better than I was last week. As I've mentioned, I have a wonderful DH and an almost 2 year old daughter who lift my spirits up, and I've gone back to seeing my personal trainer once a week. He even had me try boxing during our last session, and it felt really good to release all of the pent up anger and aggression inside of me.

I just wish certain people would understand that moving on from a mc isn't the same as moving on from the death of a spouse or other family member. Those who've never gone through it just won't understand...

BrightenMySky

@roshelle829 I have been doing boxing exercise videos.  Last night I did an MMA video and it was an amazing release.  And sorry your mom is not being sensitive or helpful.  I wish people who did not know what to say would just say "I don't know what to say but I'm sorry and I'm hear for you" (which is actually great to say, IMO) rather than whatever they dream up. 

roxgibbons

@FiancB Thank you for the kind words. I'm thankful for the good helpful support I have. As for the other comments, I had two as of this weekend that weren't particularly helpful

1. "I'm sure by March 1 you will be feeling much better".  I haven't been clued into what magical thing is going to happen by tomorrow, but I am almost two week post loss and d&c so I wasn't aware I was on a timeline. 

2.  "It's not end of the world if you guys don't have a baby together". I realize the world won't come to an end, but can people just respect the fact that we wanted a baby together?!? This was my husband's first child. We were really excited to have this journey together and to raise our own little one.

I try my best to ignore these comments and not let them affect me, but I would rather they say nothing at all.
I'm doing my best to take care of myself right now and move forward with healing emotionally and physically. I started working out again and also did a boxing workout with my friend this weekend. I'm still so sore it feels great. I also went to acupuncture which was amazing. I never felt so relaxed in my life. The acupuncturist was very knowledgeable and has worked with patients that have struggled with infertility and loss so we are focusing on getting my body back to it's regular state. This week, I'm checking out a new yoga class and am hoping to make that part of my routine.

As for the emotional aspect, I feel like I am walking around with a cloud over my head. I'm just heavy with sadness right now. I'm getting through my day but some days there is a lot of self-talk I have to do to get moving. I am not on my A game at work, but I'm doing my best and being patient with myself. My husband is being so positive and is convinced we will be successful in the future. I wish I shared his confidence and enthusiasm, but right now I just simply don't. 

I hope you all are having a good day, all things considered. 

edited: damn auto correct!