Gutted. — The Bump
TTC After a Loss

Gutted.

I've been struggling this month and I know why. But then I was reminded precisely when my world shifted. I wasn't looking for it, but I found this post (image below) in a private Tumblr I started long ago and rarely ever post in. . . 

I am just so devastated that there has been no resolution yet. And I cry for the fact that we are different people than when this started. Not all for the better. I feel like I'm broken and I've broken the people around me.... Like I'm taking people out on my way down, and frankly, sometimes I feel like I would rather just suffer alone. I'm not trying to be a martyr, I just think it'd be easier if I could contain the fall out.  

Husband actually told me tonight that he feels like he has lost a piece of him and he doesn't know how to get it back. It hurts so badly to hear that. 

Now he's sleeping on the couch and I'm torturing myself by re-living heartache after heartache. I need to just go to bed. Tomorrow will be better.

Thank you all for allowing me the space to vent and moan. 



Me: 40, DH: 35 / Married: 2009; TTC #1: 2013

2013 - 2015: 5 pregnancies —> 5 miscarriages

TTCAL with RE (RPL specialist): February 2016

2016: 3 medicated TI cycles —> 3 medicated IUI cycles: All BFN

Donor Egg IVF Transfer: May 1, 2017

May 11, 2017: BFP!! Beta #1: 449.1, Beta #2: 844, Beta #3: 1714

EDD: 1/17/18, it's a GIRL!  <3 E. L. A. born 12/7/2017








Re: Gutted.

  • Sorry for you pain. I hope tomorrow is a better day and that pieces somehow slowly get put back where they belong. 
    fivetimesnoluck
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  • I've often felt the same way about taking people down with me. On my worst days, I've told H thst I wish he would just leave me so I could suffer alone. I don't really mean it, but there is a guilt that comes with feeling this bad and bringing him down again and again. 

    Im so sorry for your losses. Sending hugs and I hope you feel better soon.
    Age 39, H 38

    Married 8/15

    Pregnancy #1, MMC, D&C November/December 2015
    Pregnancy #2, Dx with Triploidy at 12 weeks, MMC, D&C May 2016
    Pregnancy #3 BFP 10/20/2016- EDD 7/01/2017
    DD was born on June 26, 2017
    Pregnancy #4 CP 4/2018
    Pregnancy #5 BFP 9/13/2018, EDD= 5/27/2019
    fivetimesnoluck
  • So sorry to hear you are struggling. I think it's the realization for the passage of time for me too most of the time. I was a different person before TTC and loss, and I was also 4 years younger, so of course I am different in other ways too. When did time in my life start moving so fast? I feel like I'm on this runaway train of life all of a sudden...

    I hope today is a better day for you. You know where to find us when you need to vent, so vent away!
    fivetimesnoluck
  • I hope this morning brings you some relief and clarity. We do all change over the course of time, and sometimes the weight of our heartbreaks feels heavier than others. Do what you need to do to keep on your healing journey; which of course includes talking through the darkest of dark feelings.
    Renee, 34 + Devon, 29 married 08/13 <3
    TTC  09/15
    *TW Loss mentioned*
    BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16
    MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3
    TTCAL 3/2016
    Acupuncture 11/16
    Dx December 2016: unexplained 
    January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI =
    BFP #2 01/30/17  Please be a sticky baby!
    EDD: 10/15/17  Measuring ahead! 10/12/17 
    Ambrose born on his due date!

    fivetimesnoluck
  • I am so very sorry. There's nothing I can say to make it better, but I wish there was. When life takes these unexpected turns, it's heartbreaking. It's not fair. Thinking of you today.
    catiecatpfivetimesnoluck
  • I hope you were able to get some rest.  Sending you peaceful, gentle hugs.  
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
    fivetimesnoluck
  • hugs and love
    ---TW BFP and MC mentioned - scroll down past the Lilo and Stitch gif to avoid ---




    Me: 33 & DH: 33
    Married: 07/2006
    TTC: 10/2015
    BFP #1: 11/2015, MC 12/2015 (7 weeks)
    BFP #2: 06/2016, EDD 2/15/2017



    Pregnancy Ticker






    fivetimesnoluck
  • I'm so sorry. I hope this morning has brought you some relief. 

                                        
                                                Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker                                       
         
        
    fivetimesnoluck
  • I'm sorry. I hope you find some peace soon!
    fivetimesnoluck
  • Sorry for your losses. How has your day been today? 
    fivetimesnoluck
  • I'm so sorry your losses and pain. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better and to help you fix all of it :(  
    fivetimesnoluck
  • I'm sorry that last night was so hard. :( it really does come in waves and sometimes the waves really come out of nowhere. I'm glad that you enjoyed yourself today (can't beat a stoned dog!  :p) I hope you're having fun with friends right now! 

    June Siggy Challenge: Dad Fails

    Married 7.28.2012
    DD born 7.27.2014
    BFP 09.2015 - m/c 10.21.2015
    BFP 4.12.2016...EDD: Christmas Eve 2016!




    fivetimesnoluck
  • Awesome; seems like Saturday was a better day for you hope your Sunday has been a good one too.
    fivetimesnoluck
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