Gutted.

fivetimesnoluck · February 2016

I've been struggling this month and I know why. But then I was reminded precisely when my world shifted. I wasn't looking for it, but I found this post (image below) in a private Tumblr I started long ago and rarely ever post in. . .

I am just so devastated that there has been no resolution yet. And I cry for the fact that we are different people than when this started. Not all for the better. I feel like I'm broken and I've broken the people around me.... Like I'm taking people out on my way down, and frankly, sometimes I feel like I would rather just suffer alone. I'm not trying to be a martyr, I just think it'd be easier if I could contain the fall out.

Husband actually told me tonight that he feels like he has lost a piece of him and he doesn't know how to get it back. It hurts so badly to hear that.

Now he's sleeping on the couch and I'm torturing myself by re-living heartache after heartache. I need to just go to bed. Tomorrow will be better.

Thank you all for allowing me the space to vent and moan.

alanna3622 · February 2016

@fivetimesnoluck

I am so sorry. Hugs.

Pompomlove · February 2016

Sorry for you pain. I hope tomorrow is a better day and that pieces somehow slowly get put back where they belong.

chloe97 · February 2016

I've often felt the same way about taking people down with me. On my worst days, I've told H thst I wish he would just leave me so I could suffer alone. I don't really mean it, but there is a guilt that comes with feeling this bad and bringing him down again and again.

Im so sorry for your losses. Sending hugs and I hope you feel better soon.

BornReady · February 2016

So sorry to hear you are struggling. I think it's the realization for the passage of time for me too most of the time. I was a different person before TTC and loss, and I was also 4 years younger, so of course I am different in other ways too. When did time in my life start moving so fast? I feel like I'm on this runaway train of life all of a sudden...

I hope today is a better day for you. You know where to find us when you need to vent, so vent away!

mylittleversailles · February 2016

I hope this morning brings you some relief and clarity. We do all change over the course of time, and sometimes the weight of our heartbreaks feels heavier than others. Do what you need to do to keep on your healing journey; which of course includes talking through the darkest of dark feelings.

silentP · February 2016

I am so very sorry. There's nothing I can say to make it better, but I wish there was. When life takes these unexpected turns, it's heartbreaking. It's not fair. Thinking of you today.

BrightenMySky · February 2016

I hope you were able to get some rest. Sending you peaceful, gentle hugs.

catiecatp · February 2016

hugs and love

cjs260 · February 2016

I'm so sorry. I hope this morning has brought you some relief.

Kay6519 · February 2016

I'm sorry. I hope you find some peace soon!

glamakitti · February 2016

Sorry for your losses. How has your day been today?

fivetimesnoluck · February 2016

Thank you all so very much for your kind words. It's been a better day. I'm grateful to be able to share with those who get it.

Today, I slept in and husband did me the favor of taking in one of the dogs for blood work. (He will have survey soon to remove a mast cell tumor.) But the dog has to be sedated (Valium) even to get the basics done at the vet. Well, DH took him in before the drugs kicked in. They managed to get the blood drawn and then came home, so the drugs kicked in when they got back! We had one stoned pup - he was hilarious.

Later, I picked up my niece to go to a birthday party. She was having a blast, then she melted down. She's five. Dropped her off with her other aunt and now I'm just hanging until DH and I go to a friend's house for dinner and game night. Usually it involves great food (she and her husband own a restaurant), booze and cards against humanity.

Somone's signature has the quote about grief coming in waves. It is so true. Most of the time I can roll with it, but sometimes it knocks me out. (As y'all are well aware.)

I hope you all are enjoying your Saturday! It was beautiful here today, sunny and warm, like Spring. Certainly helped improve my state of mind! xoxo

Daisydoodle86 · February 2016

I'm so sorry your losses and pain. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better and to help you fix all of it

beff12 · February 2016

I'm sorry that last night was so hard.

it really does come in waves and sometimes the waves really come out of nowhere. I'm glad that you enjoyed yourself today (can't beat a stoned dog!

) I hope you're having fun with friends right now!

glamakitti · February 2016

Awesome; seems like Saturday was a better day for you hope your Sunday has been a good one too.

Gutted.

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