I would be fierce at my husband if he tried to say that. I told me him he had apart of creating his child he can have apart of him coming into this world. But I don't want him looking down there while in labor. But he will be in the room with me, and he can't say blood and stuff like that bother him when he is ex military and had to deal with blood on a normal bases. Sorry that your husband is doing this to you!
I just shared this thread with my H, FWIW. His response : "C'mon, suck it up. You're not the one having the baby. SUck it up and deal with it." He added: "Remember our vows? There for each other through everything."
So, yeah, if you can't be sexually attracted to your wife after labor, you're not valuing your partner for everything she is.
I just shared this thread with my H, FWIW. His response : "C'mon, suck it up. You're not the one having the baby. SUck it up and deal with it." He added: "Remember our vows? There for each other through everything."
So, yeah, if you can't be sexually attracted to your wife after labor, you're not valuing your partner for everything she is.
I'm going to be in the minority here and say that if my husband didn't want to be there during actual delivery, I'd actually be OK with that. I have no idea why I'm OK with that... no idea. I just am. I guess part of me also maybe 1.) really clings to the traditional "man waiting and pacing the floors while woman gives birth with female family by her side" and 2.) sees it very much as a "female rite of passage" or something and also 3.) is a bit selfish and sees this as something I will be doing -- I don't want to have to worry about his feelings/thoughts/squeamishness/whatever while giving birth... it just wouldn't offend me that he wouldn't want to be there. I'd actually almost rather he not be there -- that my mom be there. BUT that's ME -- your feelings are valid! You should definitely have some serious conversations.
Is it cultural? Because, I do know in many cultures, the man is just not part of the delivery.
Trust me, you won't be worrying about this. This whole thread is mind blowing to me. Giving birth is scary. You're going to want your husband, SO, or some support person with you because honestly it's a big, fat scary unknown. I'm a STM and even though I know what's coming, I'm going to be a nervous wreck again. It's no small feat! IMO, OP- your hubby needs to man up.
I don't want my SO anywhere near the delivery room when the time comes. He was relieved to hear that and confessed he wouldn't want to see anything like that either. It doesn't even feel natural to me to have him there - it seems like something I'd want to be surrounded by women for, not a man who is meant to view me as a sexual being after the fact. I also like to deal with pain/difficult situations on my own. I'm not stating any of this to say my way is the right way, just to offer up another POV.
But that's me, and the way I feel and I have the luxury of getting my way since my SO feels the same. The issue here is more that the OP and her husband have a difference in preference and he's not willing to meet her half way. If my SO had felt strongly about being there, I would have compromised as I can appreciate it's something some men want to be there for. Likewise, most women want a partner in the room to help support them and their husband is the logical choice for most. I agree with other posters that he can stay situated near her head.
Is your husband aware that he doesn't need to be situated fully in front of your vagina in order to be in the delivery room? Would talking to a midwife/doctor about other options for more squeamish men help?
Some thoughts I've had while reading these the past few days:
I feel like even if my husband spent all the time in the world down there during birth, if it were allowed,he'd want to have sex the next day. Cuz...men love sex? Idk.
ALSO. Yeah,it's not pretty. You know what else isn't pretty? A penis. & you know what isn't pleasant? A penis going down your throat. but guess what?! We all do it cuz men love it and we want to please our husbands. You do shit you don't want to do for the other person. Period.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and beliefs, 100%.
I just can't wrap my head around anyone being ok with only being seen by their partner as a sexual being. I'm a lot of things, not just a sexual being. I'm grateful that my husband and I are like minded and that he sees me as more than just his wife and sexual partner.
And for someone to refuse to support me during something that is literally a direct result of me being a sexual being is completely mind blowing.
I just mentioned the expression 'sexual being' @Bltbear82 so I can answer that from my perspective. I am not viewed by my SO as only a sexual being. I'm his best friend, his partner and we're totally inseparable. But I also like having sex with him and don't necessarily want him to see all that stuff. That's my personal comfort zone. Totally up to someone else if they feel differently. I see many couples who leave the bathroom door open when they go, talk about TMI stuff together and they are also awesome partners. To each their own.
ALSO. Yeah,it's not pretty. You know what else isn't pretty? A penis. & you know what isn't pleasant? A penis going down your throat. but guess what?! We all do it cuz men love it and we want to please our husbands. You do shit you don't want to do for the other person. Period.
Agreed on the doing stuff for other person because it makes them happy, but heck no on the ugly peen comment! And the blow job comment!
Its all about taste, of course, but some of us do like both of those:)
In another parallel that is probably flameworthy, DH and I both like anal sex, but we are not about to do anything like watch one another poop. He's not allowed in the bathroom when I'm sitting on the can and vice versa. Though we have promised to wipe one another's butts if we get old or sick and can't do it ourselves.
I am am very much not equating childbirth and defecation--but I am saying there are natural processes related to sexual health that partners (because we are multifaceted people who embody different though non-exclusive roles at different points in our day) do not need to know about quite so intimately. I am, for instance, not planning on asking for his help with applying medicine in the event that I get hemorrhoids.
DH and I made this baby together and are parenting it together, and I want him there in the delivery room because he is my partner (and this is going to be an important shared experience), but both he and I want to keep him away from the Southern Hemisphere lest every time he looks at my vag he gets a flashback to baby's head sticking out of it, covered in blood, amniotic fluid, meconium and goodness knows what else.
I get that I'll want a support person... I just don't see my husband as the one who I would really want support from for this. He's never done it before, he's never seen it before, he can't physically relate in any way... I love him, but he's a really passive, submissive guy, and I just feel more like I'll have to support him than him support me. He wants to be there, so of course, he's welcome to be there. But, I'm probably going to get really annoyed at him and say mean shit knowing me.
Ha ha @saladflambe that's how I feel. I would let him come in if he insisted but I'd not be happy about it. Oddly, if I wind up having to have a csection, then I WOULD want him there. I'm terrified of surgery and feeling the sensation of it so I'd want him there to focus on. But in that case, they put up a damn partition to make sure neither of us see anything we don't want to.
@dshannah I get what you're saying with the bodily functions comments. I'm the same way.
Personally I'm more or less with @dshannahand @seasalt123-- I understand that yes, some men (not a majority, but from my understanding not an insignificant minority, either) do have difficulty getting over it. Some of them don't even know ahead of time that it will happen, so they go in there and they see the whole glorious/gory-ous thing, and it affects them in ways they weren't expecting and welp.
I'm not saying it's good, but it does happen. And while the easy answer is "well they should just get over it," I'm not sure how much that helps. Some people can do that and some can't. My feeling is that if it were that easy to overcome attractions and repulsions, we'd all be able to choose our partners with the utmost rationality and there would be no reason that, say, Magic Mike or Chris Hemsworth would have more lady admirers than Danny DeVito. Or, more seriously, there would be no one afflicted with embarrassing fetishes, because hey, you could just turn that feeling off.
But it's not that easy. Sexuality and attraction are weird and complicated and there are very few of us who are in complete control.
And, yes, it is a sad fact of life that there are some guys (let us call them "dirtbags") who aren't willing to put in the effort, aren't committed to the relationship, and who are, if anything, looking for an excuse to bail. I'm sure OP's husband is not among them, but they exist, they're out there. They make it hard for us to credit the others with honesty or good intentions. Because no one, other than a dirtbag, wants to say "I'm less attracted to my wife now," especially in this uniquely vulnerable and emotional situation where the guy had a huge part in what's happening.
But for some people (and I feel sorry for them, more than anything, because it's tough), it is real, and it's an incredibly difficult thing to communicate openly about with the person who's supposed to be closest to you in the world. It's fundamentally a selfish problem to have, much less admit, so I think there's a heavy component of guilt and self-loathing and lost communication in many instances. None of that is great for relationships.
tl;dr: it's complicated, it's individual, but one thing it's not, for some people, is a fake problem.
Anyway for a variety of reasons (mainly that I, too, am in the camp of "prefer to be alone when stressed and in pain," but also for some of the reasons discussed in this thread), I don't really want my husband in the room either. I'm not going to kick him out, because he does have a right to be present if he wants, but if he does choose to be there, he'll definitely be staying in the safe corner.
Am I that weird for expecting my husband to know what to expect and what to avoid when we go into the delivery room?! It's not a big mystery.... And it's really not that hard to avoid seeing anything graphic if you have a little common sense about it!
I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. I would be extremely hurt and offended if my H refused to be present during labor and delivery, especially for those reasons. I think @vinerie's H hit the nail on the head - the whole point of wedding vows is to promise to support each other through the good and bad, easy and difficult. You can't pick and choose, you have to set your own stuff aside and be there for your partner when they need you. To me, that's both the hardest and best thing about being married, I know he's going to be there when I need him and vice versa.
It really bothers me that so many men see their wife's body as only something to have sex with. We are so much more than that. We grow humans, we birth them, and then we're able to feed them. Everybody poops and has bodily functions, so I don't think you can compare the miracle of child birth to everyday normal things. So would it also bother these men that we can feed babies with our breasts? It might not be as gruesome as child birth, but it's still a part of a woman's body that men sexualize being used for a different function.
DH will be the first to tell you that childbirth is gruesome and scary, but he would never let that stop him from watching his child be born and to support me in the process. Labor is hard and scary. Anything can happen at any given moment. While I was in labor there was a time that my blood pressure bottomed out and DD's heart rate dropped dangerously low, and after that I was terrified. I wouldn't let DH out of my sight because I was so afraid something awful was going to happen and he's my husband and the father of our baby. Who would I want there to support me through one of the scariest times of my life other than my husband?
I'm pretty positive that DH does not see my body the same way he did before we had DD, but I'm GLAD. My body is not the same. I carry fat in places I didn't use to, I have stretch marks, my boobs aren't the same, but that's okay! I'm a mom now. It's part of who I am. I'm glad DH saw that crazy things my body went through in order for DD to be here because he appreciates it and understands.
Am I that weird for expecting my husband to know what to expect and what to avoid when we go into the delivery room?! It's not a big mystery.... And it's really not that hard to avoid seeing anything graphic if you have a little common sense about it!
Not at all. I think that's far and away the majority view, at least in the U.S. in 2016. For most people, it works perfectly well and they're very happy with the choice and that's awesome.
But it's not a universal experience, and to the extent that I'm arguing anything in this thread (which is not very), it's just that the minority experience does happen and sometimes you can't predict it and the reaction you anticipated happening is not the one you get.
So, you know, that happens sometimes. If it does, it deserves to be recognized and worked through cooperatively. That's all I really want to say here.
I never even gave DH the option but this thread opened up the convo. He said he can't wait to experience the birth of our child with me, and told me he was wondering how it works as far as him staying with me in the room until I am released as he doesn't want to leave me alone. I am blessed to have a husband that wants to be with me through thick and thin. On the flip side I had read a while back about guys seeing their wives differently after watching them give birth. While it happens, I think most men understand that the true function of their wives body is for reproduction and are able to separate that from the sexual side.
OP hopefully you guys can find a compromise. Does he not want to be there at all or just for the pushing part?
@JessicaB0627 I'm glad you brought up breast feeding! Personally right now I don't intend to "open feed" while my husband is present. Obviously that might change but I know he doesn't equate breasts with food and covering when he's around (even if it's with a light blanket or something) isn't so horrible for me and it might make him more comfortable.
@JessicaB0627 I'm glad you brought up breast feeding! Personally right now I don't intend to "open feed" while my husband is present. Obviously that might change but I know he doesn't equate breasts with food and covering when he's around (even if it's with a light blanket or something) isn't so horrible for me and it might make him more comfortable.
Why would feeding your child make your husband uncomfortable? That's what I don't understand. It's natural and you're taking care of your baby, which is also his baby. Because you want to preserve the fact that he sees your breasts as something sexual?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that seems crazy to me.
@JessicaB0627 I'm glad you brought up breast feeding! Personally right now I don't intend to "open feed" while my husband is present. Obviously that might change but I know he doesn't equate breasts with food and covering when he's around (even if it's with a light blanket or something) isn't so horrible for me and it might make him more comfortable.
Why would feeding your child make your husband uncomfortable? That's what I don't understand. It's natural and you're taking care of your baby, which is also his baby. Because you want to preserve the fact that he sees your breasts as something sexual?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that seems crazy to me.
I agree with @jessicab0627. Obviously, you're free to decide what's best in your individual relationship, but I can't imagine not having DH's full support through breastfeeding. When I was nauseated in the hospital and trying to feed, he helped to hold DS AND helped me hamburger hold my breast at different points. Not only was he a huge help initially, but it would have been a LONG 20 months of feeding if I felt I had to hide from him every time. I covered my cleavage and latch with a scarf in public (not DS), but I never covered at home. Just as women can be both sexual and nurturing, men can too; let's give them a little more credit here. As PPs have mentioned experiencing, going through all of those things together has brought DH and I closer and has given him a greater respect and awe for what I can do and who I am as a woman. Maybe I'm just really lucky, but I tend to think that this is more the norm than men being disgusted by their wives.
@JessicaB0627 I'm glad you brought up breast feeding! Personally right now I don't intend to "open feed" while my husband is present. Obviously that might change but I know he doesn't equate breasts with food and covering when he's around (even if it's with a light blanket or something) isn't so horrible for me and it might make him more comfortable.
I have to say this goes against a lot of the persona you have built for yourself. I believe you coined yourself a hippie dippy before? Isn't part of being a "hippie" about being natural? What's more natural than breast feeding your child? And covering your child might make your husband more comfortable but what about the comfort of you and your child?
In in my research about BF I keep reading about how if the male partner isn't "comfortable" with BF, then the mother is quick to give up. That's just sad that we as women are sooooo concerned about what men's views on our bodies are that we are willing to sacrifice what's best for our children.
Also, I struggled a lot with breast feeding and I really hope to be more successful this time. My DH slathered me with lanolin, talked to me to distract me through the initial discomfort, and basically was my biggest cheerleader. When DS was born we had been together for 8 years and I've always appreciated how supportive and encouraging he is, but I never knew the depths of his caring and support until our son was born. I couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else, and part of that is because he's the one person in the world I can be entirely me, flaws, insecurities, as human as a human can be.
I never felt comfortable feeding in public (like a restaurant), but if I had to run for privacy or cover myself in front of my husband I would have never seen him the first month!
I'm a little late to the party, but I think if MH said something like that to me, my response would be: "hey, that's cool. Totally understand how that may affect your attraction and sexual interest in me. While we're on the subject, if God forbid you should ever have a heart attack, or get cancer, or any other disease requiring hospital stays, lengthy treatments, surgery, and watching you slowly waste away- I'll just take off for the weeks/months/years it takes for you to get better. Because I couldn't possibly ever want to have sex with you again after seeing you in a weakened, un-manly state. And you won't really need me anyway since you'll have all the medical professionals to help you out. But feel free to call me once you're all healed up!"
I'm a little late to the party, but I think if MH said something like that to me, my response would be: "hey, that's cool. Totally understand how that may affect your attraction and sexual interest in me. While we're on the subject, if God forbid you should ever have a heart attack, or get cancer, or any other disease requiring hospital stays, lengthy treatments, surgery, and watching you slowly waste away- I'll just take off for the weeks/months/years it takes for you to get better. Because I couldn't possibly ever want to have sex with you again after seeing you in a weakened, un-manly state. And you won't really need me anyway since you'll have all the medical professionals to help you out. But feel free to call me once you're all healed up!"
But that's just me.
YES GIRL YES! I think you might have won the internet for the day...
DH doesn't see me the same after having witnessed our children being born, and that's a great thing. Having seen me at one of my toughest times, in agony for hours on end, and preserving through it all and having the greatest reward at the finish line. He was there every step of the way and was the best birth coach I could ever ask for. It's one of those situations where going in as a first time couple you really have no idea how your husband is going to be. There are so many emotions running through both of you, it's indescribable. Once our babies were born DH had a new found respect for me and my determination and sheer ability, and I felt the same towards him. We were both glowing and basking in what we had just accomplished together. That made DH more attracted to me than any vagina ever could.
Ok, so I've been reading this board now for two days and I'm ready to explode. Scroll past if you can't deal...
I had a myomectomy in March of 2015 to remove multiple grapefruit sized fibroid tumors. I was in surgery for over 4 hours and had a total of 5 incisions. When I was finally brought to my room, I was in agony, with a catheter, and sitting in a pool of blood. Finally, the catheter was removed and I was told that I had to use the bathroom. I couldn't even stand upright, much less, hoist myself up on a toilet that my 5'0 frame would have to stretch for on a normal day. Sweaty, smelly, and covered in blood, my husband got me to the bathroom and then my husband cleaned me because I absolutely couldn't rotate my midsection without shrieking in pain. He wound up taking me to the bathroom and cleaning me for much of the following week. He had to help me in out of bed, help me to wash in the shower, and even help me to pull up my pants and underwear. And you know what? He never complained a damn bit! And then, 5 months later we found out we were pregnant with our first child.
That's what you do. You get over yourself, help your partner, and you get through it, together.
My husband will be in the OR when I have my c-section in a few short weeks, he will be cutting the umbilical cord, and afterwards, I know I will have the best support and care he can provide. That is what you should expect.
Ahhhh this thread is maddening to me now!!! First we can't give birth in front of our husbands because they might not want to screw us after being in the room (not that they need to watch the baby actually coming out) and now we can't breastfeed in front of them because then our boobs won't be fun bags to them anymore???? No no no no NO!!!! As a STM who exclusively breast fed for over a year, I'm going to tell you the reality of it all. After your baby is born if you're breastfeeding they try to get the baby to latch right away and have you doing skin to skin. So unless your husband is planning to turn around or close his eyes while this very natural and wonderful first bonding occurs then he's going to see you breastfeeding as he should. You're going to need his help and his support to breastfeed and believe me covering your baby's head with a blanket while you're trying to figure out how to feed your new baby is just ridiculous which you'll quickly see. Breastfeeding is hard when it's new and if it's something you're truly invested in then not doing it in front of your husband is not reality.
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
For the record, I made sure to add the clarifier that covering while breastfeeding at home (not at the birth center) was my plan, but that I fully recognized that plans don't always workout when you're exhausted and baby needs to eat. Everyones relationship is different. It's okay for me to be conscious that my husband thinks of my breasts as non food items. He hasn't SAID "keep that shit covered" it's my CHOICE.
For the record, I made sure to add the clarifier that covering while breastfeeding at home (not at the birth center) was my plan, but that I fully recognized that plans don't always workout when you're exhausted and baby needs to eat. Everyones relationship is different. It's okay for me to be conscious that my husband thinks of my breasts as non food items. He hasn't SAID "keep that shit covered" it's my CHOICE.
Unless you're extremely lucky, breastfeeding is probably still going to be challenging when you get home. It would be wonderful if you had your husbands support and he could even help you, like @kbrands7 mentioned.
It certainly is your choice, but we're all allowed to think that it's completely ridiculous that you want to go out of your way and make more trouble for yourself while breastfeeding, something that some women have so much trouble with they can't ever breastfeed, in order to preserve your husband viewing them as something sexual. Maybe your husband needs to grow up and realize that breasts are literally made to feed your kid. They have no function in sex. None. You think it's going to be no big deal to put a blanket over you and the baby at home, but it is.
@JoMunson so now I'm even more confused by what you're saying. So your H doesn't mind seeing you BF but you don't want him to see you do it at home??? This makes even less sense to me if he's not even bothered by it. The point that we are trying to make to you is that BF is not easy. As women who have done it we are trying to explain how hard it is and if you want it to actually work out then your husband will most definitely need to be involved and hands on with helping you figure out everything from positioning, to latching, to bringing you food and water and so on. I'm guessing you've not yet taken a BFing class as one of the major focuses is how important it is to have support of your partner in order for it to be successful.
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
Sorry to hear you are feeling stressed about this instead of supported! My husband is really squeamish about anything medical (it literally takes two nurses to draw his blood...) but for our first baby he sucked it up and stayed with me. He did have to sit down a few times when he was feeling a little light headed. But, him not being there was not an option. Supporting each other through things like this is what a relationship is about. I wanted him there not just for me but to be readily present if anything went wrong. as far as attraction, it made no difference at all! If anything he was so proud of me after the birth of baby #1. A little tip though, I made sure to have one other support person in the room ( in this case my mom
Ok, so I've been reading this board now for two days and I'm ready to explode. Scroll past if you can't deal...
I had a myomectomy in March of 2015 to remove multiple grapefruit sized fibroid tumors. I was in surgery for over 4 hours and had a total of 5 incisions. When I was finally brought to my room, I was in agony, with a catheter, and sitting in a pool of blood. Finally, the catheter was removed and I was told that I had to use the bathroom. I couldn't even stand upright, much less, hoist myself up on a toilet that my 5'0 frame would have to stretch for on a normal day. Sweaty, smelly, and covered in blood, my husband got me to the bathroom and then my husband cleaned me because I absolutely couldn't rotate my midsection without shrieking in pain. He wound up taking me to the bathroom and cleaning me for much of the following week. He had to help me in out of bed, help me to wash in the shower, and even help me to pull up my pants and underwear. And you know what? He never complained a damn bit! And then, 5 months later we found out we were pregnant with our first child.
That's what you do. You get over yourself, help your partner, and you get through it, together.
My husband will be in the OR when I have my c-section in a few short weeks, he will be cutting the umbilical cord, and afterwards, I know I will have the best support and care he can provide. That is what you should expect.
This^^^! All of this!
@lbachran I also had two myomectomy's 1st in 2010 when DH and I were just dating and the 2nd last year in April. And when we were just dating my now H was beside me helping me on and off the toilet and showering me because I just couldn't do it! That's the way it should be and I'm so grateful I'm married to a man who is there for me no matter what.
Oh and surprise surprise we were still able to have mad passionate sex after going through all that together!
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
I think we may have scared OP off with our very passionate opinions, but I gotta throw my 2 cents in too. MH straight up told me he hates hospitals and they make him pass out. What?! Well, obviously, he had to get over that right quick when I had complications during my first pregnancy. After initial moments of just sheer panic and looking like he was going to keel over, he rallied and was the most supportive partner I could have ever asked for. He never left my side from the failed cervical ripening and dilation, to the seizures, to me violently yanking out my catheter and IV in a fit of delirious rage, to the OR for an emergency CS. Only after everything was over did I notice that he had my blood on his shoes from my thrashing and he couldn't have cared less. I was really concerned that he wouldn't do well in the OR because he kind of reeled a bit when he saw all the tools and how I was strapped down, but he got into business mode so quickly and just stroked my hair, kissed my cheek, and whispered loving and encouraging things to me. I don't think I would've had the strength to get through it all without him. After my son was born, MH was completely torn between staying with me or going with my son to the NICU. I screamed "Stay with him! Go!" and he just turned on his heels and quick-footed it out of there. I did notice he took one look back and I think saw a bit more than he bargained for (like my uterus and intestines lying on my stomach outside of my body) because he looked a little green, but he has never held that against me.
As for everything after, he got pretty up close and personal with my swollen lady bits, my leaky boobs, and all the other lovely and disgusting things that happen post-partum. He would inspect my incision for me because I couldn't bend enough to see it and would help apply ABD pads to help splint it. When BFing became a nightmare, MH would help make a "boobie sandwich" and position our son to get the best latch. He would help me get my bizarre pumping bra on and would make up sick beats to the weird sounds the pump would make while we watched TV. When I had to BF in the middle of the mall, he did all the boob manipulation while I covered with a scarf. This is not to mention the post-circ care he did for our son, the countless diapers, and the vomit clean up. And this was all from a man who never dreamed he would have kids, never took care of children, is severely grossed out by the sight of blood, can't watch horror movies/slasher films, and violently cringes when I nonchalantly talk about how a student lost her toenail on the playground or got a massive splinter.
This is not to say that MH is the greatest man on the face of the earth (though he is!) but to say that sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised. I had asked my mom to be there during the delivery when I thought it was going to be a smooth sailing vaginal delivery to be my support person because I just assumed MH would be more trouble than help. I thought I would spend the whole time worried about him and getting frustrated at him for not living up to my expectations. But as everything was falling apart, he stayed strong and only months after did I catch him sobbing alone in our room. When I asked him what was wrong, he said "I know you were the one in pain and doing all the hard stuff, but I was just so scared". I never realized how terrifying it can be for the SO to watch helplessly as we literally tear our bodies apart to bring a child into the world.
On a lighter note, his involvement in the delivery and post-partum care clearly did not hamper his sexual appetite for me (I am KU'd again after all!). In fact, he was chomping at the bit to get the all-clear to get intimate again. I was super self-conscious and he said "Your body is even more incredible than ever to me!" and would just stare at my weird lumps and scars and jiggly bits with complete awe. I think the fact that I am not only his wife but the mother of his child really enhanced our intimacy and his overall respect for me as a woman (I am a lot younger than him so I used to joke that he robbed the cradle and has to pay for it by having a child bride. I am basically a 12 year old boy 90% of the time).
To (sort of?) change the subject... what was the most helpful and wonderful thing your SO did during your labor/recovery? I know some women have posted about their person being really great, but I think it would be cool for us FTM's to get a sense of the most helpful thing they did.
DH just shook his head when I told him about this thread. It was NEVER even a discussion between us whether or not he would be in the room with me. OUR discussion centered around the moms being in the delivery room, which was vetoed on both our parts. This will a very very special time for me and DH. WE have become so close during this pregnancy, experiencing everything together - all the highs and lows. I cannot even imagine not having him by my side holding my hand, I refuse to do it without him because he is my rock. I am very blessed DH is super into it - he wants to see the baby being born and cut the cord, but that being said I would be perfectly fine if he couldn't stomach those parts. What matters the most is him being with me and experiencing the final piece of the pregnancy puzzle with me. From there the journey just begins for us as TEAM.
Re: Husband doesn't want to be part of delivery
So, yeah, if you can't be sexually attracted to your wife after labor, you're not valuing your partner for everything she is.
DS: Born 5-17-16
But that's me, and the way I feel and I have the luxury of getting my way since my SO feels the same. The issue here is more that the OP and her husband have a difference in preference and he's not willing to meet her half way. If my SO had felt strongly about being there, I would have compromised as I can appreciate it's something some men want to be there for. Likewise, most women want a partner in the room to help support them and their husband is the logical choice for most. I agree with other posters that he can stay situated near her head.
Is your husband aware that he doesn't need to be situated fully in front of your vagina in order to be in the delivery room? Would talking to a midwife/doctor about other options for more squeamish men help?
I feel like even if my husband spent all the time in the world down there during birth, if it were allowed,he'd want to have sex the next day. Cuz...men love sex? Idk.
ALSO. Yeah,it's not pretty. You know what else isn't pretty? A penis. & you know what isn't pleasant? A penis going down your throat. but guess what?! We all do it cuz men love it and we want to please our husbands. You do shit you don't want to do for the other person. Period.
I just can't wrap my head around anyone being ok with only being seen by their partner as a sexual being. I'm a lot of things, not just a sexual being. I'm grateful that my husband and I are like minded and that he sees me as more than just his wife and sexual partner.
And for someone to refuse to support me during something that is literally a direct result of me being a sexual being is completely mind blowing.
Its all about taste, of course, but some of us do like both of those:)
In another parallel that is probably flameworthy, DH and I both like anal sex, but we are not about to do anything like watch one another poop. He's not allowed in the bathroom when I'm sitting on the can and vice versa. Though we have promised to wipe one another's butts if we get old or sick and can't do it ourselves.
I am am very much not equating childbirth and defecation--but I am saying there are natural processes related to sexual health that partners (because we are multifaceted people who embody different though non-exclusive roles at different points in our day) do not need to know about quite so intimately. I am, for instance, not planning on asking for his help with applying medicine in the event that I get hemorrhoids.
DH and I made this baby together and are parenting it together, and I want him there in the delivery room because he is my partner (and this is going to be an important shared experience), but both he and I want to keep him away from the Southern Hemisphere lest every time he looks at my vag he gets a flashback to baby's head sticking out of it, covered in blood, amniotic fluid, meconium and goodness knows what else.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
@dshannah I get what you're saying with the bodily functions comments. I'm the same way.
I'm not saying it's good, but it does happen. And while the easy answer is "well they should just get over it," I'm not sure how much that helps. Some people can do that and some can't. My feeling is that if it were that easy to overcome attractions and repulsions, we'd all be able to choose our partners with the utmost rationality and there would be no reason that, say, Magic Mike or Chris Hemsworth would have more lady admirers than Danny DeVito. Or, more seriously, there would be no one afflicted with embarrassing fetishes, because hey, you could just turn that feeling off.
But it's not that easy. Sexuality and attraction are weird and complicated and there are very few of us who are in complete control.
And, yes, it is a sad fact of life that there are some guys (let us call them "dirtbags") who aren't willing to put in the effort, aren't committed to the relationship, and who are, if anything, looking for an excuse to bail. I'm sure OP's husband is not among them, but they exist, they're out there. They make it hard for us to credit the others with honesty or good intentions. Because no one, other than a dirtbag, wants to say "I'm less attracted to my wife now," especially in this uniquely vulnerable and emotional situation where the guy had a huge part in what's happening.
But for some people (and I feel sorry for them, more than anything, because it's tough), it is real, and it's an incredibly difficult thing to communicate openly about with the person who's supposed to be closest to you in the world. It's fundamentally a selfish problem to have, much less admit, so I think there's a heavy component of guilt and self-loathing and lost communication in many instances. None of that is great for relationships.
tl;dr: it's complicated, it's individual, but one thing it's not, for some people, is a fake problem.
Anyway for a variety of reasons (mainly that I, too, am in the camp of "prefer to be alone when stressed and in pain," but also for some of the reasons discussed in this thread), I don't really want my husband in the room either. I'm not going to kick him out, because he does have a right to be present if he wants, but if he does choose to be there, he'll definitely be staying in the safe corner.
DH will be the first to tell you that childbirth is gruesome and scary, but he would never let that stop him from watching his child be born and to support me in the process. Labor is hard and scary. Anything can happen at any given moment. While I was in labor there was a time that my blood pressure bottomed out and DD's heart rate dropped dangerously low, and after that I was terrified. I wouldn't let DH out of my sight because I was so afraid something awful was going to happen and he's my husband and the father of our baby. Who would I want there to support me through one of the scariest times of my life other than my husband?
I'm pretty positive that DH does not see my body the same way he did before we had DD, but I'm GLAD. My body is not the same. I carry fat in places I didn't use to, I have stretch marks, my boobs aren't the same, but that's okay! I'm a mom now. It's part of who I am. I'm glad DH saw that crazy things my body went through in order for DD to be here because he appreciates it and understands.
But it's not a universal experience, and to the extent that I'm arguing anything in this thread (which is not very), it's just that the minority experience does happen and sometimes you can't predict it and the reaction you anticipated happening is not the one you get.
So, you know, that happens sometimes. If it does, it deserves to be recognized and worked through cooperatively. That's all I really want to say here.
OP hopefully you guys can find a compromise. Does he not want to be there at all or just for the pushing part?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that seems crazy to me.
Edited typo
In in my research about BF I keep reading about how if the male partner isn't "comfortable" with BF, then the mother is quick to give up. That's just sad that we as women are sooooo concerned about what men's views on our bodies are that we are willing to sacrifice what's best for our children.
Also, I struggled a lot with breast feeding and I really hope to be more successful this time. My DH slathered me with lanolin, talked to me to distract me through the initial discomfort, and basically was my biggest cheerleader. When DS was born we had been together for 8 years and I've always appreciated how supportive and encouraging he is, but I never knew the depths of his caring and support until our son was born. I couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else, and part of that is because he's the one person in the world I can be entirely me, flaws, insecurities, as human as a human can be.
I never felt comfortable feeding in public (like a restaurant), but if I had to run for privacy or cover myself in front of my husband I would have never seen him the first month!
eta: posted too soon
But that's just me.
YES GIRL YES! I think you might have won the internet for the day...
I had a myomectomy in March of 2015 to remove multiple grapefruit sized fibroid tumors. I was in surgery for over 4 hours and had a total of 5 incisions. When I was finally brought to my room, I was in agony, with a catheter, and sitting in a pool of blood. Finally, the catheter was removed and I was told that I had to use the bathroom. I couldn't even stand upright, much less, hoist myself up on a toilet that my 5'0 frame would have to stretch for on a normal day. Sweaty, smelly, and covered in blood, my husband got me to the bathroom and then my husband cleaned me because I absolutely couldn't rotate my midsection without shrieking in pain. He wound up taking me to the bathroom and cleaning me for much of the following week. He had to help me in out of bed, help me to wash in the shower, and even help me to pull up my pants and underwear. And you know what? He never complained a damn bit! And then, 5 months later we found out we were pregnant with our first child.
That's what you do. You get over yourself, help your partner, and you get through it, together.
My husband will be in the OR when I have my c-section in a few short weeks, he will be cutting the umbilical cord, and afterwards, I know I will have the best support and care he can provide. That is what you should expect.
As a STM who exclusively breast fed for over a year, I'm going to tell you the reality of it all. After your baby is born if you're breastfeeding they try to get the baby to latch right away and have you doing skin to skin. So unless your husband is planning to turn around or close his eyes while this very natural and wonderful first bonding occurs then he's going to see you breastfeeding as he should. You're going to need his help and his support to breastfeed and believe me covering your baby's head with a blanket while you're trying to figure out how to feed your new baby is just ridiculous which you'll quickly see. Breastfeeding is hard when it's new and if it's something you're truly invested in then not doing it in front of your husband is not reality.
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
July 15-Check to see if Ute is all healed
IUI #1 8/3/15...BFN
IUI #2 9/5/15...BFP on 9/17/15
Beta #1-344
Beta #2-809
Beta #3 8,390
1st u/s 8/8/15 1 bean HB 135 @ 6w5d
Everyones relationship is different. It's okay for me to be conscious that my husband thinks of my breasts as non food items. He hasn't SAID "keep that shit covered" it's my CHOICE.
It certainly is your choice, but we're all allowed to think that it's completely ridiculous that you want to go out of your way and make more trouble for yourself while breastfeeding, something that some women have so much trouble with they can't ever breastfeed, in order to preserve your husband viewing them as something sexual. Maybe your husband needs to grow up and realize that breasts are literally made to feed your kid. They have no function in sex. None. You think it's going to be no big deal to put a blanket over you and the baby at home, but it is.
@JoMunson so now I'm even more confused by what you're saying. So your H doesn't mind seeing you BF but you don't want him to see you do it at home??? This makes even less sense to me if he's not even bothered by it.
The point that we are trying to make to you is that BF is not easy. As women who have done it we are trying to explain how hard it is and if you want it to actually work out then your husband will most definitely need to be involved and hands on with helping you figure out everything from positioning, to latching, to bringing you food and water and so on.
I'm guessing you've not yet taken a BFing class as one of the major focuses is how important it is to have support of your partner in order for it to be successful.
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
July 15-Check to see if Ute is all healed
IUI #1 8/3/15...BFN
IUI #2 9/5/15...BFP on 9/17/15
Beta #1-344
Beta #2-809
Beta #3 8,390
1st u/s 8/8/15 1 bean HB 135 @ 6w5d
This was me trying to figure out breastfeeding. There was no containing and if I made anyone uncomfortable...too damn bad.
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
July 15-Check to see if Ute is all healed
IUI #1 8/3/15...BFN
IUI #2 9/5/15...BFP on 9/17/15
Beta #1-344
Beta #2-809
Beta #3 8,390
1st u/s 8/8/15 1 bean HB 135 @ 6w5d
A little tip though, I made sure to have one other support person in the room ( in this case my mom
This^^^! All of this!
@lbachran I also had two myomectomy's 1st in 2010 when DH and I were just dating and the 2nd last year in April. And when we were just dating my now H was beside me helping me on and off the toilet and showering me because I just couldn't do it! That's the way it should be and I'm so grateful I'm married to a man who is there for me no matter what.
Oh and surprise surprise we were still able to have mad passionate sex after going through all that together!
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
July 15-Check to see if Ute is all healed
IUI #1 8/3/15...BFN
IUI #2 9/5/15...BFP on 9/17/15
Beta #1-344
Beta #2-809
Beta #3 8,390
1st u/s 8/8/15 1 bean HB 135 @ 6w5d
OP posted and bailed
As for everything after, he got pretty up close and personal with my swollen lady bits, my leaky boobs, and all the other lovely and disgusting things that happen post-partum. He would inspect my incision for me because I couldn't bend enough to see it and would help apply ABD pads to help splint it. When BFing became a nightmare, MH would help make a "boobie sandwich" and position our son to get the best latch. He would help me get my bizarre pumping bra on and would make up sick beats to the weird sounds the pump would make while we watched TV. When I had to BF in the middle of the mall, he did all the boob manipulation while I covered with a scarf. This is not to mention the post-circ care he did for our son, the countless diapers, and the vomit clean up. And this was all from a man who never dreamed he would have kids, never took care of children, is severely grossed out by the sight of blood, can't watch horror movies/slasher films, and violently cringes when I nonchalantly talk about how a student lost her toenail on the playground or got a massive splinter.
This is not to say that MH is the greatest man on the face of the earth (though he is!) but to say that sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised. I had asked my mom to be there during the delivery when I thought it was going to be a smooth sailing vaginal delivery to be my support person because I just assumed MH would be more trouble than help. I thought I would spend the whole time worried about him and getting frustrated at him for not living up to my expectations. But as everything was falling apart, he stayed strong and only months after did I catch him sobbing alone in our room. When I asked him what was wrong, he said "I know you were the one in pain and doing all the hard stuff, but I was just so scared". I never realized how terrifying it can be for the SO to watch helplessly as we literally tear our bodies apart to bring a child into the world.
On a lighter note, his involvement in the delivery and post-partum care clearly did not hamper his sexual appetite for me (I am KU'd again after all!). In fact, he was chomping at the bit to get the all-clear to get intimate again. I was super self-conscious and he said "Your body is even more incredible than ever to me!" and would just stare at my weird lumps and scars and jiggly bits with complete awe. I think the fact that I am not only his wife but the mother of his child really enhanced our intimacy and his overall respect for me as a woman (I am a lot younger than him so I used to joke that he robbed the cradle and has to pay for it by having a child bride. I am basically a 12 year old boy 90% of the time).
what was the most helpful and wonderful thing your SO did during your labor/recovery? I know some women have posted about their person being really great, but I think it would be cool for us FTM's to get a sense of the most helpful thing they did.