May 2016 Moms
eVm556995
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Husband doesn't want to be part of delivery
eVm556995
member
so my husband has decided that he's not comfortable to be part of my delivery. He was told by people of his family that it's not a good place to be and that he will have different feelings towards me when it comes to sex and so on . I have told him how important it is to me that he is there ( if my mom cannot make it in time) I want someone to be able to support me . I told him he doesn't have to look but he doesn't even want to cut the cord . So I'm probably the one who will end up doing that but now I am feeling like I am going to be alone in the delivery of our child and that I will not know anyone except my doctor . Any thoughts ?
Re: Husband doesn't want to be part of delivery
It sounds like your husband may be having a lot of further issues going on, because I've honestly never heard of a married man not wanting to be there for the birth of his child
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
If not it would be a big "oh, hell no!" from me and he would suck it up and be there. It's not like labor is going to be all sunshines and rainbows for you, but because he might be uncomfortable he wants you to do it alone? Nope.
If you really want him there, explain that to him and then let him think about it. If hes anything like my DH, the more you push, the more he will dig his heels in. And the cord cutting thing i figured was NBD cause really who remembers that. The MW cut ours and it didn't really matter. It was that first hold that mattered. Oh we had an emergency c-section, but in the end he was with me and that was important to me
that said, think about what's most important to you- physical touch? Words of encouragement? It's okay if he is uncomfortable with the more hands on expectations we have for partners these days. Try and find one way he can be supportive of you in the most helpful way without making himself so uncomfortable it's a bad experience for him.
my DH has decided to make decisions about cutting the cord etc until the moment of, which I'm fine with. We're using the Bradley method/husband coached birthing, so what's most important to me is having DH there to help facilitate my relaxation. I also know he can get overwhelmed sometimes so I'm okay if he needs to take a breather, go for a quick walk, or just step away. Imagine being a partner during a birth! You're watching your loved one go through what appears to be a very intense and painful experience and you can't do anything! Stressful!
Weve also decided not to look at/have a mirror near my lady parts during birth. Just to keep that area a certain way in our minds.
I agree with previous posters that the first resort should be an open discussion about your feelings and expectations. He should be supportive and respectful of your position in this matter. This is a big deal -- it's not a trivial thing for him to be absent during this experience if you want him there.
Regardless, you should never have to feel that you're alone. If he truly won't budge, you might have to consider alternatives (if only so that you have that in the back of your mind as some reassurance that you won't be abandoned, no matter what). You mentioned that your mom might be able to be present; would it be feasible to try to keep her close at hand when the due date nears, or to notify her in time for her to be able to come to the hospital when you go in for delivery?
Do you have any supportive friends or other relatives who might be able to help? Can you get a doula, maybe?
There's a long period of time before you start pushing (for most women) and it would be really lonely/boring if you don't have someone in there for support. The nursing staff is only in the room intermittently and the delivering physician doesn't show up until the last minute (at least that was my experience with DS).
DS: 9/18/12 - 40w5d // DD: 05/17/16 - 40w
As my husband said, he's only focusing on the waist up. He doesn't have to see anything he doesn't want to, and I wouldn't work about him not wanting to cut the cord. Many dads are too squeamish to do it, and they don't have to. It's just a way for them to be involved, but it's not necessary.
Would your DH benefit from a hospital tour or video of a reasonable delivery (not Hollywood-style)? Maybe he is scared of the unknown.
Mama to Three Girls:
Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor
and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!
You our all seem very reasonable, but this would literally be a relationship changing moment for me.
Talk to him about just wanting him there with you. He helped get you here, time to man up and at least support you at the end.
But agree with all of the above! As for cutting the cord, I saw a pic on Instagram of a woman cutting her own cord...so I'm actually hoping to do that! So maybe that's something you'd like to do and experience.
But if other folks have convinced him that it's this horrible, relationship-changing thing to be in the delivery room at the time I am guessing he doesn't actually have the foggiest clue about what will go on in the delivery room! Are you doing a childbirth class together, so he can see? If not, describe it for him!
His job will be to make sure the right music is playing, to show you funny videos between contractions, to hug and hold hands, help you get comfortable, to give you a massage if you need one, etc. If he wants to leave the room for the epidural and even for the actual birth, he can (my FIL faints at the sight of blood so when his kids were born that's what he did).
i agree 1000% with @zanaerob1 first post. What kind of man says he doesn't want to be there for you because it might change sex for him???? That's so selfish after everything you've endured for 10 months to bring this baby into the world. Not to mention what if (God forbid) something were to happen to you or the baby?????? And he doesn't want to be there just because it might change how he looks at you sexually. That's effed up. I'm sorry I truly feel bad for you.
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
July 15-Check to see if Ute is all healed
IUI #1 8/3/15...BFN
IUI #2 9/5/15...BFP on 9/17/15
Beta #1-344
Beta #2-809
Beta #3 8,390
1st u/s 8/8/15 1 bean HB 135 @ 6w5d
My husband deciding NOT to be there is what would cause him to "have different feelings towards me when it comes to sex," because there wouldn't be any sex for him to have feelings about ever again.
I hope for his sake it's a cultural thing, but if not, then I'm really sorry. I would question so many things about our relationship if in that moment of need he didn't want to be there. I don't want to be there either and face tearing and pain, but we wanted a baby, so this is what we have to do. He can't just bail out while you do the hard work. Screw that.
-people have probably told him CRAZY and untrue things that he can't refute because he doesn't know. Like teens who think you can get pregnant from kissing. Maybe he thinks your vagina will stay stretched as big as the baby's head. One guy told my husband id probably tear from my vagina to my anus and wouldn't ever want to have sex again (thanks guy who has no girlfriend and has no kids).
-we forget sometimes the internal process we go through to become both sexual beings and mothers, but society tells men that there's a Madonna and a Virgin Mother, that is, that those two types can't be in the same person and he hasn't gone through that process with you.
-has your sex life changed since being pregnant? Maybe sex is REALLY important to him. It's a way he feels valued, like you love him, and like he is a man and he wants to know that he will still be able to feel this way.
-does he know what to DO in the birth room? Maybe, like most people, he imagines a bright white crowded hospital room with you screaming and doctors yelling at you to push. That would keep ANYONE out of the room.
dont get caught up thinking he's insensitive or cruel. He's expressing a concern and a worry. Validate it and ask clarifying questions so you know what the core of his concern is so you guys can work through it. I mean, you're together, you're having a baby. And I bet he really loves you.
Although PPs are right about cultural beliefs, a Hasidic woman was next to me in triage and could be overheard declining cervical checks until they explained exactly why she needed to have them and also didn't want to undress at all. Her husband was pacing the halls the entire time, so if this is a similar cultural belief I can respect that - however, I would think if that's the case OP might not ever have expected him to be present anyway?
Although from a woman's point of view it's a tad selfish that he's more concerned about his future sexual endeavours than supporting you through birth, you also don't want to go into labour having to "manage" anyone else. You want your whole focus to be on bringing your beautiful little miracle into this world. Respect his decision but make sure he understands that there will possibly be resentment as a consequence. My husband was in the room, between my legs, delivered baby, cut the cord, wrapped up baby and left the room with her. And as involved as he was I still hold it against him that at no stage did he hold my hand, tell me I was doing a good job or show any support for me. It sound silly but you are not a birthing vessel, you are a woman and your husband must understand your side before he makes his final decision regardless of what he gets told by these obviously helpful people. Take care and I hope it all goes well.
No doubt, it's gross - what happens down there. My husband has seen it twice and he said that's plenty (surprise, i'm pregnant again honey!).
I would say just focus on gently coaxing him to be with you 'at the beginning' and then perhaps he'll decide to stay longer and for the whole time! Maybe you have friends who have a child and that dad could possibly put in a good word? Like, ask him to tell about that joyous moment when your baby comes into the world - maybe that will help your husband overlook the 'unpleasant' parts. Are you planning on getting an epidural? Everyone responds differently to labor (with or without drugs) but maybe there's another friend who got an epidural and can mention how easy and laid back it was during the whole experience.
You can get through this.
I'm sure for a lot of men they are 'traumatized' for a while but after 6 weeks or so they eventually forget and think of their wife as desirable again. That's my guess.
GL!
Now I think he doesn't mind being in the room, as long as he doesn't have to watch or see dow below. He said he'd be fine at my head. Why he thought id want him anywhere else is beside me. I don't want him seeing down there or looking when the baby comes out. I don't want him to be scarred for life!
I understand why you're upset and I'd really try to talk to him about it more.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Menopur 75ml (upped to 112.5ml), Ovidrel, & IUI IUI #1 8/31/2015
9/15/2015: BFP HCG - 400, 9/17/2015: HCG - 827, 9/21/2015 - HCG 3,327!I would encourage your husband to speak to some male family members or friends that have more recently attended a birth. Maybe they can help him come around. I don't think your husband is being cruel or anything (at least judging from what you've told us), he probably just has the wrong ideas in his head.
He said initially he was coming from a place of non emotion, that the whole baby thing doesn't feel real yet. But as the due date got closer, it became a more emotional thing and the desire to support your wife became important.
I say give him space and time. Tell him now how important it is to you that he be with you. And leave it. He may change his mind.
Ultimatley, as important as this is to you, it's just like anything else in life. He's going to
make a decision and face the consequences. You have to think long and hard about what those will be for you. One of them is definitely missing out on a monumentous event in your family history. But I'm sure you will have feelings of resentment that will impact your relationship with him as well.
So the answer? Even Dan Savage (who has no use for the vag) says: be there with your wife but stay in the northern hemisphere and do not under any circumstances venture south if you have any questions about your ability to shake the image of baby coming out of your wife! No leg-holding, no cord-cutting, keep your eyes trained on your partner's face, keep nice-smelling things handy for both your partner and yourself, etc.
But it doesn't make you a bad partner if you don't want to watch baby's head crowning. I certainly hope not, because I have no desire to see my own baby's head crowning and I don't think that's going to make me a bad mom. I just don't need to see that. No mirrors for me!
I tried to find a print article where he says this (it was in several of his podcasts), but Savage Love's search platform is terrible.
OP, I feel for you. I hope this was just a momentary lapse in judgement on his part and that he comes to his senses. I agree that a childbirth education class that you can go to together might benefit him greatly.
Is it cultural? Because, I do know in many cultures, the man is just not part of the delivery.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
Just to say that OPs husband's concern is not totally idiotic (even if it should be) but that his concern doesn't have to keep him out of the delivery room.