May 2016 Moms
TheThornBird
member
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Having visitors stay over after LO is born
TheThornBird
member
Hay everyone!
How are you handling having visitors from out-of-town after LO is born? DH's parents will be coming to visit, and I'm leaning towards asking them to stay in a hotel, but DH wants them to stay with us. The place we are moving into next month is pretty small with no guest room, I don't think I'll feel like entertaining 24/7, I don't really want to dress up every morning and leave the room constantly to breastfeed. But we also feel awkward asking them to pay for a hotel and can't pay for it ourselves.
What are you doing for visitors? Is having people stay over going to be too much after giving birth?
How are you handling having visitors from out-of-town after LO is born? DH's parents will be coming to visit, and I'm leaning towards asking them to stay in a hotel, but DH wants them to stay with us. The place we are moving into next month is pretty small with no guest room, I don't think I'll feel like entertaining 24/7, I don't really want to dress up every morning and leave the room constantly to breastfeed. But we also feel awkward asking them to pay for a hotel and can't pay for it ourselves.
What are you doing for visitors? Is having people stay over going to be too much after giving birth?
Re: Having visitors stay over after LO is born
With my son I spent the first 2 months in a nursing tank with my boobs out, now I will have to either sit in my room alone to feed or use one of those annoying covers. Also, she isn't helpful in terms of watching my son so it isn't like I will have help with that.
I think it is too much to have people stay, but I have no other option. She barely comes to visit as it is, so I just have to roll with it.
I have no suggestions...just sympathy! lol
I would be thrilled if my ILs visited, but they're out of the country and can't come out until autumn.
The problem is that my parents are planning to stay with us. We have a guest room, so there's space for them, but my mother drives me insane! She is so overbearing and inconsiderate, and while I have no problem telling her to back the fuck off, I don't feel like constantly arguing with her while I'm trying to bond with and learning to care for my newborn. My dad is great, and when he's with her, he helps to rein her in a bit, but he will only have limited vacation time to use (probably a week to 10 days at most), and she wants to stay longer. I will feel bad telling her she can's stay after he leaves - especially since my MIL will be in town with LO all summer - but there is no way I can deal with her for more than the week or so my dad is here with her. I really don't even want her staying at our house at all after the birth, but we live in an expensive beach resort town, and I know my parents can't afford to get a hotel room around here for that long. I may have DH mention something to my MIL about my mom staying in the guest room at DH's family's condo after our dads leave. It isn't ideal, but it would at least get her out of my house! My sister and BIL also want to come for the birth, but they have an infant who will be about 6 months old at the time and would probably need to stay with us as well, and I don't think I'll be up for that - not to mention having only one guest room that my parents will be staying in. I'm not sure what we're going to do yet.
If you aren't going to be comfortable with your ILs staying with you, I think you should insist on them staying somewhere else. Explain to your husband that the birth is going to be a lot on you, physically and emotionally, and you are going to need private time to decompress after. Then, he needs to be the one to break it to his parents that they can't stay with you. How long are they planning to stay? If it's just for a few days, do you have a close friend in the area with an extra guest room who wouldn't mind letting them stay?
Now the cherry on top of the cake: this weekend, DH's brother calls (he was 1-hr away with his gf, but didn't have time to visit...) and asks DH about when their dad is coming to see baby. So DH tells him, and BIL decides he might want to come at the same time! For the record, the one other time he came to visit, I found empty bottles of cheap booze in the vanity of the bathroom his aunt was using (not coming from her that I'm sure...). So I told DH 'Sorry, we're full, he'll have to get a hotel', info which DH only partially transmitted ('we have 6 other people coming that weekend'). Last thing I need is to have a newborn and a bunch of drunks on my hands...So now I'm considering asking everyone but FIL to get themselves a hotel. Ugh....
I'm a FTM, so maybe I just don't know anything, but when my baby's born, I want my mom around to help me, and basically nobody else. I really don't see extra people being helpful, and I also don't think that me or the baby will be ready to spend quality time with anyone right away. But I'll also definitely want help beyond the first couple of weeks - is there any way you guys could ask your family to stagger their visits, for the sake of getting to see your baby when he/she isn't a just a puffy newborn that just needs to adjust to the new world for a second, and also being more of a help to you than a burden as one of many guests?
When I've visited friends that just had a baby, they seem so overwhelmed by having people over and after five minutes I'm like, "what am I doing here?" and take off and let them rest. Just be honest with everyone, say you're worried about being overwhelmed, that you can't host more than one house guest at a time and unfortunately you've already promised space to someone else, or that there's simply no room. I'm lucky that all my family lives in town so I don't have to host anyone, and if I get worn out it's easy to politely send them away without a big inconvenience - so maybe I don't relate, but I'm so excited to have my baby and spend time with her, I can't imagine having that time being ruined by people insisting you host them. That wears me out even without a baby around.
MIL came for a week after DS and DD were born and she was extremely helpful with cooking/cleaning/letting me sleep/shower/do whatever.
I've personally never understood the idea of needing "help" when baby arrives, unless your spouse is unavailable/non-existent. Because people don't really help. They want to come and hold the baby and talk to you. And all you want to do is sleep, not hurt so much, and maybe take a shower. Particularly if you are breastfeeding, there really isn't anything other people can do with regard to the baby other than hold him/her once they pass out from feedings (which you don't exactly need help with because you can put them in the crib). It's one thing if people want to pop in for a few hours, BRING YOU FOOD, do the dishes, watch baby sleep while you shower, etc. But it's quite another to have them around 24/7 staring at you blankly (or worse, offering "advice") when you are barely coherent.
I just want the freedom to do what needs to be done with a newborn and I know my parents won't get in the way of that. I'll have to cover up a bit more than I would like but I can deal with that for a little bit if it's means having the extra support!
Families are tough!!!
Last time my in laws came 3 weeks after DS was born and arrived the day my husband went back to work, so I was already emotional and DH was missing us so much. They don't stay with us but they're the type to come over in the morning and sit on our couch all. day. long. Seriously, how are you not bored, because you're sure as heck not helping me with the dishes or laundry! And they'd stay so late that we would miss the first 2-3 hour spurt of sleep, which obviously set us up to have a rough night, and I was stuck in our room or the nursery trying to breast feed. I felt isolated and stressed about being done "fast enough" so they could hold him before they left, or ate etc.
Also it turned out that MIL was a bit of a baby hog, not letting DH hold him when he got home from work, not letting FIL hold him for 3 days after they'd arrived, telling me she knew what he needed to be soothed (spoiler alert, you don't have breast milk). Plus we cooked dinner and cleaned up every night, while they relaxed. This time I've asked that no one from out of town visit for 4 weeks because we need to focus on DS2 and making sure DS1 has a smooth and positive transition to big brother. I feel like the best way for that to happen is to keep him on his normal schedule and grandparents camping out 24/7 isn't that. I'm sure they think I'm insane, but if you don't help when you visit then you're guests and I don't have time for guests with a newborn, toddler, dog and husband plus an apartment full of laundry and dishes.
I did reluctantly the first time around and it was one of the most stressful, awkward, & unhelpful things I ever did in those early days and made more work for me and more work for my entire family when I should have been focused on my baby, breastfeeding, recovering, or sleeping.
Not only was it a death by a thousand paper cuts situation (condescending comments & behavior, mocking, questioning, pushing feeding methods we don't agree with, making suggestions we don't agree which they knew but suggested anyway, baby hogging even when baby was crying and needed fed, etc.) it ended up we had to tell the person to leave and end the visit some days in after they arrived for their open ended "helpful" visit. It should have never happened in the first place.
If you go forward anyway you are wise to insist on a two day maximum and also insist on the visitor and guest staying in a hotel. I wish we had done that.
Also read
Emotional Blackmail
and
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward.
And this:
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation
Since she expressed disapproval in my choices starting the day I told her about the pregnancy, I can only imagine how difficult it will be when the babies are actually here. My brother has had this experience with his kids and advised me to set very clear ground rules.
Luckily guests will be upstairs and we'll be downstairs.
I found this essay really awesome to ask myself and DH questions about who would be around post partem. It's graphic but I hope it helps
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
Expecting Double Trouble, April 2016
DH and I have discussed this and we aren't allowing any family or friends over to house until at least 2 weeks (or longer) after birth. My MIL has already told me she wants to help with cooking, cleaning and caring for our dogs while we get rest and I really appreciate it but her help is not worth it to me because she causes me so much stress. I will not feel comfortable being half naked in my house trying to learn to breastfeed while MIL, SIL and her girlfriend are around to see everything. I feel like this should be a special and personal time for me and DH to adjust and welcome LO into our lives. DH is even thinking of telling his mother that if she wants to prepare us dinners then he will pick them up from her rather than her coming over and lingering around. I know they are not going to be happy about our wishes but we'll see if they can respect it.
DH hasn't invited anyone to stay with us postpartum but I'm sending him the essay anyway. At least then I'll know he won't be getting any ideas.
DD: 05/14/16
My MIL is planning to come stay with us for a week after the birth. She's a nurse practitioner, so I understand that she could be helpful, but we've literally met twice in almost 6 years of my being married to her son. She also said/emailed some really hurtful things when we first got married which I haven't forgotten.
She wants to meet her grandson and my husband doesn't want to discourage her from building a relationship, but the thought of her being underfoot for a week has driven me to tears. She says that she plans to cook, clean and help with overnight feedings so we can enjoy the baby, but I have a housekeeper! She cleans the way I like, she does our laundry the way I like, and she doesn't intrude in our lives in the process. Although she doesn't cook, I'd be great with takeout sushi daily. The last time my MIL cooked for me, my IBS couldn't handle it as she eats red meat almost exclusively (something I eat once a month at most).
I had abdominal surgery last March and my own mother was exhausting. She showed up too early and woke me up, she wouldn't give me the food I wanted, I was never able to nap because she was making noise, and she even kept messing with our damn thermostat (not a big deal to most, but sacrilege if you're in my home). I just can't imagine how I'm going to cope with someone who is basically a stranger when my own mother stressed me out.
Sorry for the rant, its just been building.
DH is so avoidant about this topic. She rarely makes an effort towards us and I know he misses her (she lives 5hrs away), so I feel like he's just blinded by the whole idea.
I say put your foot down people! If you want time with baby then say so and if people still insist on coming into town then make it clear that you will not be entertaining them. Ask them to stay with another relative or at a hotel that way you can pick when they come to see you and the baby. It may sound mean telling someone to stay elsewhere but you only get those first few weeks with baby once and really . . . isn't this the time to make the selfish calls and make sure you take care of yourself and your new family dynamics first?
He's considering coming out again this time. I will probably tell him he can certainly come visit, but he may want to stay with his brother. I already know this will be a whole new experience! Leave me alone!
I personally hate entertaining or people being in my house. DH and I throw two parties a year for our birthdays and they take a lot out of me. My family will be waiting at our house when we come home with the baby, but they aren't staying. They just wanna look at LO in person and that's it. I don't know what my IL's plans are, but I hope they don't include staying here when I have a new baby.
I'll also have a conversation with my parents to figure out exactly when they're hoping to come and for how long.
Wish me luck, some of those conversations may not end well...
Sooo... If someone had a TDAP shot 8 years ago, is that good enough? @LadySamLady Do you know?