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2nd Trimester
Jmaddiso
member
Trying to Enjoy My Pregnancy...Regardless
Jmaddiso
member
Hi everyone!! I do hope everyone is doing well with whatever is going on with your life. Babies, getting pg, raising kids, jobs, hubby, the family dog....just life in general!! Please excuse my slightly over the top mushiness....I've been reading and hearing a lot of negativity lately, and I'm just over it. 
So here is my issue...and I'll try not to drag this on too long. I'm FINALLY pregnant with my second baby who is due in July (i've had 3 mc, surgery, fertility meds and a long road to get here). A little girl. I have a 17 year old son already. I was 19 when i had him, and things didn't go well. There's a LONG list of things that happened during that time, and sadly i don't look back with fond memories. I've been told it was one of the worst stories known. I've heard some worse, but it's up there on that list. On top of that, I wasn't "allowed" to enjoy my pregnancy....because "cows have babies everyday". SO...i always said if i ever got lucky enough to be blessed with baby number 2, things would be different!!
This time, while my new dh's family is supportive and very excited, as this is their first grandchild, they're kind of sucking the joy right out. My dh and i feel like we are getting the shaft on this pregnancy. Everything from the shower to our baby registry!! His mom pushed and pushed us to go register. So we did. Then called me and complained about the prices of the crib and mattress we picked out!! Which btw we went to Babies R' Us, and was NOT horribly expensive at ALL!! We picked out what we would buy on our small budget! We feel like no one really cares what WE want. It's all about them and what THEY want. They keep pushing really horrible used clothes on us for the baby, which we're kind of picky about. On top of the unsolicited advice that everyone gets, we get a lot of unsolicited "What WE'RE gonna do with the baby" stuff. Then we get the "You don't need a stroller", or "Just buy a used car seat" or my favorite "Does the baby really need all that stuff?". I have done this before!! I know what to buy and what not to!! Then there's the baby shower that no one cares about, or is planning. My dh and i have discussed planning our own as his mom doesn't want to be the hostess (she seems to think that's not "allowed". I'd like to know who is the dictator of baby showers?? Are the shower police going to show up and say, "Excuse me ma'am? But ugh....you can't host this. This baby shower is canceled!" I mean really!!) and my family is 3400 miles away and obviously can't. There's no one else in his family who can or will offer. His family is very wrapped up in his cousin's pregnancy and seems to not care about ours at all, even though he's the oldest cousin (there's only 3 of them) and the only boy, and we're due before her. After all the heartache we've been through, we both just feel really saddened by all of this. I'm sure this sounds petty and ridiculous to some. But again, I've been through a LOT. to get here and I'm very high risk and adding all of this to that, is just too much.
I know a lot of folks say to just "let it roll off" or to "ignore" but that's easier said than done with this family. They like to remind us. A LOT. I just want to enjoy this time together.
All this to say, has anyone else been through this type of thing? What did you do? How did you handle it all? And did you wind up throwing your own shower? If you did, how did you go about it, and was it frowned upon?
So here is my issue...and I'll try not to drag this on too long. I'm FINALLY pregnant with my second baby who is due in July (i've had 3 mc, surgery, fertility meds and a long road to get here). A little girl. I have a 17 year old son already. I was 19 when i had him, and things didn't go well. There's a LONG list of things that happened during that time, and sadly i don't look back with fond memories. I've been told it was one of the worst stories known. I've heard some worse, but it's up there on that list. On top of that, I wasn't "allowed" to enjoy my pregnancy....because "cows have babies everyday". SO...i always said if i ever got lucky enough to be blessed with baby number 2, things would be different!!
This time, while my new dh's family is supportive and very excited, as this is their first grandchild, they're kind of sucking the joy right out. My dh and i feel like we are getting the shaft on this pregnancy. Everything from the shower to our baby registry!! His mom pushed and pushed us to go register. So we did. Then called me and complained about the prices of the crib and mattress we picked out!! Which btw we went to Babies R' Us, and was NOT horribly expensive at ALL!! We picked out what we would buy on our small budget! We feel like no one really cares what WE want. It's all about them and what THEY want. They keep pushing really horrible used clothes on us for the baby, which we're kind of picky about. On top of the unsolicited advice that everyone gets, we get a lot of unsolicited "What WE'RE gonna do with the baby" stuff. Then we get the "You don't need a stroller", or "Just buy a used car seat" or my favorite "Does the baby really need all that stuff?". I have done this before!! I know what to buy and what not to!! Then there's the baby shower that no one cares about, or is planning. My dh and i have discussed planning our own as his mom doesn't want to be the hostess (she seems to think that's not "allowed". I'd like to know who is the dictator of baby showers?? Are the shower police going to show up and say, "Excuse me ma'am? But ugh....you can't host this. This baby shower is canceled!" I mean really!!) and my family is 3400 miles away and obviously can't. There's no one else in his family who can or will offer. His family is very wrapped up in his cousin's pregnancy and seems to not care about ours at all, even though he's the oldest cousin (there's only 3 of them) and the only boy, and we're due before her. After all the heartache we've been through, we both just feel really saddened by all of this. I'm sure this sounds petty and ridiculous to some. But again, I've been through a LOT. to get here and I'm very high risk and adding all of this to that, is just too much.
I know a lot of folks say to just "let it roll off" or to "ignore" but that's easier said than done with this family. They like to remind us. A LOT. I just want to enjoy this time together.
All this to say, has anyone else been through this type of thing? What did you do? How did you handle it all? And did you wind up throwing your own shower? If you did, how did you go about it, and was it frowned upon?
Re: Trying to Enjoy My Pregnancy...Regardless
2. it does sound pretty ridiculous, I'm sorry. you're complaining that people are buying off of your registry? seriously? how can people be buying things THEY want when they're buying off YOUR registry? if i were you, i would start being a little more thanful that so many people are willing to buy things for you & take the financial stress off your shoulders a little bit. & if you dont want 2nd hand clothes, that's fine, but take them graciously, & then either toss them of donate them or something.
3. everyone who has ever had a baby has recieved unsolicited advice. everyone has their own opinion about what a baby needs & doesn't need. let it roll off. do what you want for your child.
What did you do? I moved on from it. It was hurtful, but there was nothing I could do about it, so either I could sit there an dwell in it, or I could start focusing on my new little family and give them as little details as possible. The less they know, the less they can gripe about.
How did you handle it all? See above.
And did you wind up throwing your own shower? No. Never. Showers should never be thrown by the gift recipient. If someone isn't going to throw a shower for you, you just don't get a shower. Sucks, but it is what it is. I wouldn't waste a few hundred dollars hosting a shower, when that money could have been spent on baby gear.
If you did, how did you go about it, and was it frowned upon? I would hardcore side-eye someone (especially someone that is having their second baby), throwing their own shower.
**Although it sucks that they are doing things like begging you to make a registry and then complaining about what you picked, that sucks and is really annoying. Just register for the items that you guys want, and start saving for the items on your own. The registry is just a wish list, not a HAVE TO BUY FROM list. There are some people that will buy from the list, and some that won't, but each gift was given from the heart. In the mean time, start saving money for the items that you want, to purchase on your own. You really have no idea if someone that is far away, might order something off your registry and have it sent to your house, or if someone throws you a surprise shower. Don't focus on the shower, since showers aren't a requirement. They aren't a requirement to have, and they aren't a requirement for someone to host. Your baby isn't going to be loved any less, if he/she never had a shower thrown for him/her.
You say you're upset because people aren't showing you the excitement you expect after having such a hard time, which is understandable. But don't make it about gifts. Be thankful that you and your husband finally have a healthy baby because that's what is most important. Obsessing over the material aspect of having a baby is petty and ultimately it just doesn't matter. All that matters is your baby.
I've recieved a lot of used items for my child. the only thing i refused to take as used because of safety issues was a used carseat. other than that, I'm not sure where other 2nd hand items would cause safety issues for your LO. you dont have to use these items, btw. just say thank you & either donate them or toss them (like i said).
I'm sorry you took what i said so hard, but sometimes it's hard to hear things you dont want to. that doesn't make me nasty or what i said any less true.
Married: May 16th 2015
We have purchased 90% of the clothing, blankets, bottles, pacifiers, carriers/slings, diaper bags, and other baby randoms out of pocket (Ross and Marshall's are serious life savers). I am requesting a breast pump through my insurance (there is a link to that somewhere on the bump). I just started buying diapers in various brands because I don't know what will end up working best. I have mailed off to formula companies requesting samples (again, I don't know what will work best and plan on breast feeding, but you know what they say about plans). I have more baby (and maternity) clothes on the way from a friend who just had her second little girl, and I plan on keeping some things and donating whatever doesn't fit.
My friends who have gifted used items haven't really had to dip into their pocket books and have told me I am helping them by taking an unused/unwanted item off of their hands. The handful of people who have purchased new items (my husband's coworkers went out and looked up my registry and got us some great basics) have been thanked profusely and fed homemade sweets. Did his coworkers get us some pink items that were not on the registry (we aren't fans of pink)? Yes. Will I still use those items? Absolutely! They are new and functional.
Have we had generous friends and coworkers step up and offer things that have been extremely helpful in getting us ready for the baby? Absolutely. I haven't shared my registry info with anyone yet, because I have been using my registry to shop off of when I see a sale/find a comparable item for cheap elsewhere. My baby is also due in July, but I plan on not having anything left in my registry by the time May rolls around (when we are hosting a bar-b-que to thank people who have already given us gifts: it has been made clear that people are only expected to bring their appetites). My husband and I are of the mindset that we made this baby, and we will provide for her. We don't expect gifts, we are grateful when gifts are offered and we accept them.
Married: May 16th 2015
What I have seen done in the situation where no one throws a shower (or it's a second child) is the new parents throw a "meet the baby!" party after the birth. Most people will bring gifts, but there is less of an expectation to do so. It sounds like that might be a compromise?
The strictest etiquette says you shouldn't even have a shower, since this is child number 2, and nobody immediately related should throw it. But... Grandma's throw showers all the time, and especially when the children are more than 10 years apart, or within a second marriage, second baby showers are more common now too.
And if you don't want the used items (or the things you get are not your style), take them, say thank you, and either donate or sell them. Especially the little little baby things, they grow out of them so fast a lot of times "used" means "wore once"
And yeah, my registry is as much a shopping list as anything else at this point. I got the freebie box, and discount for completing it, so I buy everything off of there. If I want something for the baby, I add it to the registry, then buy it. #Shameless.
It's really clear that you're upset by the reactions of your family and obviously your feelings and emotions are totally valid since no one can dictate how you feel. But maybe your expectations and "vision" of how others should react is a little skewed. Your in-laws are giving you attention, it's just not the way that you want or pictured. Maybe when you're not so emotional try to look a little more objectively and at some point shift your expectations.
It sounds like you and your DH have the funds to purchase the items you need, so go ahead and do that. Then organize a time to celebrate that is NOT a baby shower. No one says you can't celebrate, it's just tacky to host your own shower since it involves gifts.
Also while I'm usually more no nonsense and a little snarky, (and this is very un-bump like) it sounds like you could just use a hug today.
Married: October 2014
TTC #1 since September 2015
Maybe your MIL was hoping to buy you your crib and such, but didn't realize how expensive they can be and it's out of her price range?
Baby shower: I'm sorry, but don't throw your own. It's tacky and looks gift grabby. If no one offers, but you want to celebrate with family then have a cookout and don't mention baby shower at all. Since you're not due until July you'll have plenty of good weather for hosting a party. That's what we did with baby #2 who was born the end of July.
Im really sorry that you're having such a hard time right now, and I hope things get easier soon. you've been through a lot to have this sweet baby, maybe stay focused on that and how happy and excited you are for this new addition to your family.
Honestly... we had the opposite issue. I put a crib I really liked on the registry, super simple style, $109.00.
My parents are buying the crib and my dad said "My grandchild is NOT sleeping in a $100 crib. Ugh. Pick out something else."
I was like.. but... I LIKE that one!
To be fair, my parents are buying it, so they do get some say, but it just goes to show, you can't win with stuff like this.
As far as your in laws bothering you, put up some boundaries. A registry is not a required list, but a convenient list for folks. If they don't like what you picked out, they should keep it to themselves. This is your baby. Of course, people are free to buy what they like, but you are free to return it too, if you don't like it.
As for clothes, we are inundated with offers of used clothes. We are taking them because kids grow so fast. If you don't like what people offer, graciously decline, or, if you are nonconfrontational, take them and put them in the back of your closet.
As for used car seats/cribs etc, I would say you need new ones due to new safety features/regulations that come out.
Obviously this was a big deal to you, so I'm glad you posted it. Hormones are raging and sometimes we just need to get it out. A hen you look back, you may see what you were upset about wasn't a big deal, but in the moment it is and you need to rant about it without someone telling you "it's not a big deal." If you don't have a good support system in place (friends, siblings etc.) I urge you to find some support so you don't feel isolated. Also, let your in laws know when they do something that bugs you (have you DH there too, to present a united front). They aren't mind readers and some people just have no tact. Hope your day gets better!! Go get some ice cream, sounds like you need it!
2. You say you weren't "allowed" to enjoy your first pregnancy and you say things weren't going to be the same with your second. You're an adult now- you and only you are responsible for your own happiness.
3. I think you are misinterpreting and over reacting when you say that everyone wants what they want and don't care about your thoughts simply bc they want to give you hand me downs. I'm taking ALL the hand me downs I can get my hands on and the stuff that isnt going to work will be donated.
4. I agree with a pp that your MIL perhaps wanted to buy the crib and was perhaps surprised how much things cost. Ignore her comments. You said you registered for what you would buy on a small budget so I'm assuming you can afford to purchase it on your own. As is the case with having a child- it's no one else's responsibility to buy you stuff for your own kid.
5. Everyone is going to offer unsolicited advice. No one is immune to this! Pick your strategy to use in these cases. Smile and nod or a simple "I appreciate the advice, we'll take that into consideration" or simply "thank you but we have already made our decision on the matter. Boundaries are good.
6. I'm sorry that no one has offered to host a baby shower. Perhaps people will buy stuff off of the registry regardless, but yes- it is a bit tacky to throw your own shower. If you want to have a celebration with family members plan a meet and greet once the baby is born.
7. You and DH are the ones having this baby, no one else. Enjoy this time with your husband and stop allowing others to dictate your emotions.
As for the weird present/hand me down stuff, I think you just need to deal with it. As you know, you can't just buy used car seats. You need a stroller. You picked a reasonably priced crib. If you choose not to use the hand me down clothes, that's within your purview.
And finally, I am sorry that people were so harsh with you. I personally am overwhelmed--maybe bc this baby was so uber-planned and fought for, it changes the expectations and makes it so you just want everything to be perfect, even more so than your average mom (and you already had an unpleasant first experience with your son). No matter what, your baby will have what he/she needs. And for support, you may need to look else where. Mom's groups, pre-moms groups (?), therapy, new friendships. Unfortunately internet strangers can go either way on being sympathetic. GL.
Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.
DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!
Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!
Everyone is going to offer you advice, whether you want it or not. Thank them politely and do what you want with the advice. Your last child was born 17 years ago, so a lot has changed in the baby and baby technology world. Heck, a lot has changed, according to my husband, since his son was born 8 years ago. Just something to note. They may actually be offering helpful advice with good intentions.
I'm a little confused. You say no one is buying you this or that, or doing this or that, because "no one cares". Yet, you also say that you keep receiving offers of horrid used clothes that you don't like because you're picky, and you're getting all kinds of advice. It seems to me like people around you do care, you just don't want to acknowledge it for whatever reason. You don't have to like the second hand items you're receiving - you're allowed to have a preference! But there isn't anything "wrong" with receiving it. I'm thankful for any item I get because it shows someone is thinking of the baby, and I can use all the help I get. If I choose not to use it, no problem ....I can pass it down or donate.
You're due in July....you still have quite a ways to go - 5 months to be exact. It's only February.
You seem pretty worked up about the things that aren't all that important at this time, like showers and material things. Focus on you, your family, and your baby and I'm sure you will start to feel a little better.
Good luck!
I get that your first pregnancy was not what you wanted and you have dreamed of a different experience this tome, but you gave to let it be what it is going to be or you may well miss it wishing it were something else.
If you do end up having a shower this article might be of interest, https://offbeathome.com/2011/03/second-baby-showers
As to second hand gifts, try to accept them in the spirit offered and feel free to move them along. Although I totally support your stance against a second hand baby car seat, those are so easily not safe!
Good luck. Try to just find the joy in your pregnancy as it is. The more you push for it to be something that it isn't the more unhappy uou will be
But it you do make a good point about the second hand car seat. That, in my opinion, is a no-no, unless you know EXACTLY where it came from and how the previous owners handled it (i.e. If OP were to get it from a best friend who's kid just outgrew it)
Baby shower =/= wedding
A wedding is an occasion where two people get married at which people just happen to give gifts. The sole purpose for a shower is to give gifts. That's why it's not okay to throw your own shower.
i hope you can see the difference between a self-hosted wedding invitation (come watch us get married and help us celebrate our new union) and a self-hosted shower invitation (come give me gifts because I am getting married/having a baby in a month or two).
So no, it's not okay to host your own shower. It's tacky. Pp's logic doesn't make it okay because those two situations are not comparable.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
I don't see how this women can not simply enjoy her pregnancy. If her whole pregnancy is ruined or overshadowed by the lack of a baby shower, she need to reevaluate herself.
This exactly. And I hate to split hairs, but baby showers are not intended to celebrate a baby. They are intended to celebrate the mom-to-be and welcome her to motherhood. You can't celebrate a new baby as the guest of honor since they won't be there. While I personally wouldn't have any qualms with OP having a shower for her second (I agree with having a child with a different spouse as an exception for an example) you can't technically "rewelcome" some to motherhood so in some people's minds, OP shouldn't have another shower period. I think a PPer mentioned something about how different people expect different levels of etiquette, à la the strictest of Emily Post guidelines to not caring at all. Obviously OP and others in similar situations can probably gauge where their friends and family fall on that spectrum the best.
Also, I REALLY wish people would stop advising others that if their friends and family don't like it, they don't have to come. I mean really people, are you more likely to cause a big stink about something and boycott it or are you more likely to grin and bear an event then talk about your friend or family member's lack of courtesy and etiquette behind their back? Don't bother with the "you don't need people like that in your life" line either, because it's just a fact of life. If you do something considered rude, it's going to get talked about and probably not to your face.
If you're ok with coming off as selfish and gift-grabby with a high likelihood that your friends and family are judging you for that, then sure - go ahead and host your own shower. If you'd rather not seem gift-grabby and selfish, then maybe hold off and host a less-formal sip and see where your friends and family will still likely bring you gifts even though it's NOT a gift-giving event, because people like to give gifts and don't need a dedicated party to do so.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016