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May 2016 Moms
laurenmdrn16
member
NBR DD: Death in the family
laurenmdrn16
member
We just found out that my MIL died suddenly from a heart attack. My poor husband is in shock and I am trying to figure out what (if anything) I/we can do. He drove down to see his dad immediately and may be there all night. I know he took work off tomorrow (which actually works out because my son's daycare is closed due to impending snow) and I am not sure if my district has a snow day yet (they love to leave the call until 5am...how nice!). Anyways, I started compiling a list of people to contact (mostly MH's friends and family) and some if his mother's favorite hymns (she sang in her church choir as well so this was the one thing we had in common). My mind is just spinning. I know I will need to take some bereavement days for the wake and funeral so I emailed my nurse leader and will call my principal in the morning. I also don't know what to do about my son's daycare because family will be flying in from Florida and Italy (my MIL assumed matriarch status of the entire clan when MH's nonna passed a year ago) and everyone wants some toddler time for smiles during this sad time. I want to be there for MH in the most helpful supporting way I can. Sorry for the rambling, but I just needed to vent and ask for prayers for the family.
Re: NBR DD: Death in the family
so so sorry.
DS: Born 5-17-16
Sometimes the worst relationships are the ones most affected by death: you always think in the back of your mind that they maybe someday could get better, and then all of a sudden, they can't and you are haunted.
My own MIL passed just a little over a month ago. I remember the grab-bag mix of emotions, from sadness to guilt over some things and anger over others to worrying about DH and also just feeling really, really overwhelmed.
If it gets to be too much, find someone to talk to that isn't as involved in the situation. Whether it's your own family or a friend or coworker or even one of us Bumpies (I'd say this BMB counts as a fairly decent support group for Dealing With Things While Pregnant, and sometimes it's just easier to rant to a complete stranger that you'll probably never meet in real life than it is to someone you actually know).
Most importantly, take PPs advice and remember to take care of you, too. That's probably the best thing you can do for both yourself and for others.
Sending virtual hugs and prayers to you and yours.
My FIL passed away at the very beginning of my pregnancy.
I was never able to defrost around him completely because of his past and even some of his actions closer to his death.
BUT, I can tell you that, DH never kept that against me. Your relationship was what it was for a reason - whatever that may be. Don't feel guilty.
The best thing for you to do is to take care of him (emotionally and if he needs help with arrangements) and allow him to fall to pieces for a while. This will also pass.
But also, take care of yourself. Don't feel guilty if you need to lean on somebody else. The only thing that kept me sane was phonecalls to my mum. You are 100% allowed to work through your emotions during this time, don't supress it. Make sure you get enough rest and that you take it slow.
Good luck, hugs and thoughts to you - and we are all here for you when you need us!! X
You mentioned guilt - and I think this feeling is part of the coping and grief process. For some (me), it can be healthy to acknowledge the guilt and work through it rather than ignore it. But of course do what works best for you - listen to your body and your heart.
Your husband is lucky to have such a supportive and caring wife as you. May his memories bring him peace.
Mama to Three Girls:
Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor
and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!
At first, I felt horrible all this was put on MH and was going to rush out for the hour long drive, especially knowing he was going to be helping my FIL with the funeral home visit in the morning and I work in the business. But, of course, there is a huge storm coming and we are going to be hammered with snow. Then I noticed something in MH'S voice. He was almost happy. And I remembered something I had read in that book about the 7 languages of love during our premarital counseling. MH's is acts of service. By taking care of his father he is honoring his mother while showing his love in really the only way he knows how. He needs to be useful. He needs tasks and jobs and to feel productive. I need to learn how to honor that while still looking out for his well-being because right now (or ever really), there is not one selfish thought in his mind. He is going to care for everyone else (he was already calling his brothers and sister as soon as he heard and was just so sweet and thoughtful), so I need to care for him.
He also asked me to send him any pictures I have of his mom to give the funeral home, so that is what I have been doing since 2:30am (along with laundry, dishes, cleaning, going through my son's clothes, baking my MILs favorite Italian Anise cookies and bumping). So thank you all for not only showing your love and support here and being a place I can ramble, but also a fantastic distraction and reminder that new life is growing, with all the ups and downs that brings. Thank you!
PS- this LO is definitely going to be named Luna Mary (Mary is in honor of my MIL). I hope she has her strength and conviction of character.
Try to remember that guilt is part of death, no matter how strong or strained your relationship was. Most people experience it even if their relationship was perfect. Just take care of yourself and your family, that's your contribution right now.
She was alone, and his younger brother wasn't much help, so most of the arrangements and such were on my DH's shoulders. It was a super stressful time for us, but luckily she had a large family of brothers and sisters and they were able to support us through the process. My advice to you is to just be there for him. Listen to him. Let him cry, get angry, cry some more. Just be as supportive as you can at this time.
As for your own guilt, I felt the same and still do today. In April of that year, we had my daughter baptized and my MIL didn't show up to the church until AFTER the baptism happened. I was super pissed, and didn't really hide my feelings about it. In the moment, I was pissed that this was her first grandchild, going through her first major life event, and she couldn't even make it on time to witness it. I often question whether that was the moment where my MIL just gave up and dove deeper into the bottle. Guilt is worse for my DH, because we didn't see her much even though she lived in the same town, etc. When I start feeling guilty though, I remind myself that the way I felt about her missing out on such an important occasion was legitimate in the moment, and I and especially my DH, have every right to be angry with her for choosing the life she did and not getting the help she needed.
T&Ps to you and your family!
At the meeting with the funeral home, MH learned that thankfully my MIL had written down some wishes after her hospitalization last year. As it turns out, she had wanted me to sing at her funeral. I am not sure how I feel about that, but want to honor her wishes. I really would rather be focused on supporting MH. She hadn't specified a song so I am going nuts trying to think of what would be perfect. I have sung at dozens of funerals, but never one for family. Still trying to process it all.