Tips for staying positive

saritafernandez

Hello to all!
As most of you, we have been TTC and have been diagnosed with infertility. As we prepare for IVF soon, I would like to reach out to others and ask how you remain positive. I find myself feeling very negative with every new announced pregnancy, AF, baby showers.... It makes me ashamed and feeling selfish or egocentric, but I can´t help it in the moment. How do some of you stay positive? 
Thanks

tvh1982

Hi!
Do not be ashamed and feel selfish or egocentric.
I just had a classic you should be ashamed, not so selfish or egocentric!
My bestfriend got married in September and they have been trying since august. He has been very open about it, but every time I kept slightly hoping he wouldn't succeed before me (and yes, he is my bestfriend, I should not feel like that)
Since I have trouble getting pregnant they decided to get checked at my clinic yesterday, and it turned out she has PCOS too. Instead of feeling sad, I am slightly relieved, as now I can be happy when they get pregnant, because they have to work for it.
I know pretty f*cked up I am.

I do often think 'why me and not them' (or the opposite when they announce they are pregnant), but then I'll remember that it will happen in the end, maybe not how I have planned, but it will somehow.
When the world says 'give up', hope whispers 'one more try'. And as long as that little voice still keeps telling me to keep trying, I will.
And when I yet again get invited by a friend to meet their newborn, or hang out with my friends and their kids I try to enjoy those moments. I mean holding a newborn, and sniffing it (sorry, I'm a big newborn sniffer) is one of the best things, even when the newborn isn't mine. And getting a hug from a 2 year old and a 7 year old because they have really really really missed me, my heart melts. Those breve moments make me forget the negativity as I would never have had them moments if my friends didn't get those adorable babies.

And other days I am at kickboxing class and hit the sh*t out of my trainer  

saritafernandez

Thanks tvh1982! You´re right about those brief moments. That´s what it can be...a brief moment or sometimes a day. But I feel so ashamed because I can´t control it at first and because other people´s good news makes me feel unfortunate. I am going to try to focus on the positive and imagine the day I will hold my baby in my arms.

tvh1982

Definitely don't feel ashamed, as it is something you can't control and is very natural to feel.
So don't beat yourself up about it too much, as you don't feel like that on purpose.
You are a good person, with a big heart and are going through a tough time. So those moments your not happy or positive about someone else fertility is not something to be ashamed about.
You'll feel happy about it later, when you are ready. 
GL on your journey and if you feel like bitching about someone/something do get in touch. 
Theres a time difference here, but I'm a good listener/reader xoxo

riveridgional

There are also several fertility affirmations you can find with a simple google search. I would just keep writing them down over and over again, and they helped me a lot. I also started to do a guided fertility meditation from you tube. Also, I just kept trying to parse out their journey from my journey. I knew I'd be a mom someday and somehow (whether biologically or through adoption) and tried to focus on all the ways the fertility struggle actually made me a better person, my marriage stronger, the love for my husband deeper, and made me know I would appreciate the gift of motherhood so much more than someone who gets pregnant easily. It actually, surprisingly, increased my faith in God and God's plan for me. This is one of those things, however, I only felt comfortable hearing from myself. Coming from someone else, God's plan was painful to hear because it just seemed so unfair I wasn't pregnant. (I know, strange and hypocritical). I would try to think far into the future. Perhaps there is some future event or person that my child is supposed to experience at a certain time to shape him/her into his/her future self, or perhaps, there is a negative event that my future child is to avoid/not experience.

It's definitely difficult and everyone has their moments, day(s), and/or month(s) of negativity. It's also important to know and listen to yourself and your SO to know when/if you need to take a break from treatments for a month or so to refocus and get that positivity and excitement back.

Best of luck to you!!

JeNYCeee

Don't pile on shame as well. My two best friends got pregnant on accident January 2015, after DH and I had been trying for 4 months. They now have 5 month olds and I honestly decline visits to their homes most of the time and keep myself busy with friends who don't have kids yet. I've been so much happier since I've done this. The weight of spending hours around a mom and baby just doesn't do me any good at all...and I tried to get over it, I just can't right now, and that's ok. Just create boundaries for yourself without guilt, because we all have to get through the day. We can send them a good thought here and there, but we all have breaking points.

oxinfree

@saritafernandez- Staying positive is overrated haha. I definitely try very actively to stay as positive about the experience and my circumstances as possible, but sometimes it just plain sucks, and I allow it to.
*trigger*
Take 3 close friends all giving birth to their new babies within the last 48 hours as an example. That has NOT been easy, and I'm not expecting myself to act as though it is... I've cried, I've sulked. I'm ok with that.
*over*

Basically my goal is just to do my best. I try not to wallow too much, but sometimes a little wallow is therapeutic. 
That being said. How do I keep positive when I'm actively trying?
1) I use meditation (various forms, often guided) - I love love LOVE vibrational child
2) I take time to reflect on what I'm grateful for, what I DO have that makes me happy currently - and continue to invest time/energy towards those things
3) I write/blog/scream/cry/talk - I'm a very open person, so I need to get the emotions out. Downloading them (so to speak) helps me let go, and not carry the negative feelings around with me. Makes me feel lighter and better able to enjoy my time not thinking about it when I've already processed it.

big hugs. its not an easy road to be on. 

MR449

I really try to limit interactions with pregnant women/newborns. I have opted out of plenty of baby showers (and trust me, no one missed me/ hunted me down to ask why I wasn't there). For friends with newborns, I've told them I'm super happy for them but also really sad for me, and they've all been sensitive enough to understand that and not send me pictures.
I've taken myself off almost all social media (replaced with Candy Crush and Buzzfeed!).
When I see a random preggo lady while I'm out and about -- I mentally assume that she dealt with infertility to get pregnant. It helps me make a mental shift from sad and jealous to happy for her.

oxinfree

@MR449 - the ironic thing is, so many of those women you're mentally assuming have dealt with infertility, probably have. I always say, you never know someone's story, so don't assume to. A lot of people don't talk about infertility, so it's still quite a taboo subject, but a LOT of people struggle. Great tactic for sure! 
And I'm impressed about Facebook etc. I just keep hoping and praying that I'll get pregnant and not feel the pain of seeing it all anymore, because I really do like to see what my friends are up to and how their lives are going. I can't quite cut that tie, though I think it'd be really good for me. I just hide those friends who are pregnant or have babies, but then new ones continually pop up. You'd think after 5 years I'd know better.  

MR449

Yup, @oxinfree -- I got off Facebook and after about a week of getting the urge to check it, I just don't feel like I miss it anymore. For my friends and family that I'm really close to -- they know in a general sense what's going on and they keep me updated on big things by calling, emailing, or texting. I feel so much happier not having my day ruined by scrolling through my feed and getting my heart broken a few times.

Also - when/if I get pregnant I'm totally wearing a bright orange shirt that says "IVF BABY ON BOARD" or something equally ridiculous

oxinfree

Haha. We should start a t-shirt business @MR449 ... Another brilliant idea

ultratomato

I try to stay positive even though it may sound funny. I try to keep myself busy during the TWW. I do visit friends with new babies or toddlers it kind of helps me get my temporary baby fix. This whole process is hard and I'm hopeful that I will have a happy ending soon in this journey 

cmm012

I am currently feeling down after another BFN.  Reading this thread made me feel so much better.  I'm so glad a community of women going through similar challenges are a click away!

MR449

@cmm012 : so sorry to hear that. It totally, completely sucks. I always try to do something by myself that's a treat (period pedicure) to help soften the blow a little....

mtpbadger

This thread as definitely helped! I got some bummer news that puts a delay on my current cycle so feeling down in the dumps. Reading what you all do to try and stay positive has helped. Not many people know what I'm dealing with or that really get it. I'm thankfully to have a co-worker recently go through IVF and was TTC for 10+ years so she REALLY gets it and is a great sounding board.

@mr449, I do the same thing in assuming all pregnant ladies dealt with IF (and a lot of them probably have!) It helps me feel happy for them and gives me hope that one day I will be that person too.

tvh1982

I actually do the same @ultratomato. I've heard holding babies is good when TTC, so I try to visit my friends with babies just before and after treatment.

Its not really the babies and family feed on FB that hurt. I actually enjoy most of them as I adore those chubby cheeks.
Its the pregnancy announcement, ultrasound pictures and pregnant bellies that hurt seeing.

Im sorry to @cmm012 sending you a virtual hug.

and sorry to hear you'll have a delay @mtpbadger. That sucks!

ultratomato

@tvh1982 I agree with the Facebook baby announcements. Someone posted one yesterday right around the time I got my bfn from the doctor. I was debating on blocking her posts but I didn't. trying to stay strong but it's hard. I want to just go on Facebook and say I'm having a crappy day I got a bfn but I keep it to myself I don't need people pretending to feel sorry

cmm012

@tvh1982 Thanks for the hug.  I'm trying to put a positive spin on things.  Even though I have more IF treatment coming my way, I have savings and good credit to borrow if necessary.  Many people can't afford treatment and have limited options.  Also, I've been watching you tube videos of people's fertility journeys.  Those keep my spirits up too.

Angelic789

Hello, sarita! This Is a HARD way to pass, no one can say the opposite. But you're not alone here. Your journey just begins and may God help you with it.
We went through this painful path as well. Six years ago I faced two miscarriages in a row. That was a disaster to me and my ego, making me feel so miserable. I couldn't look into my husband's eyes as blamed myself for being useless inappropriate thing which cannot make the best man in the world just happy. Sorry for my nagging but it was so unless my loving half told me that was the problem for us both. And he felt the responsibility for it as well.
From that very moment my outlook changed greatly. I could lean on him every difficult moment I had and that was great. I cannot imagine what would I do on my own without this support!
So being diagnosed on endometriosis and PCOS we went on with treatment. Later had unsuccessful surgery. Left ovary scarring resulting in immature eggs. And finally DE ivf procedure in biotexcom, having booked the 5 att program.
I found some distraction in chatting with lovely ladies on the forums being in the same board with me. But without my husband's help all this wouldn't work out, I'm sure about this..
Praying for your journey to be successful xx