Midlife crossroads...

jennh75b

I've been struggling a lot with the fact that I turned 40 recently and I'm at the point in my career where I'm simply doing the job and not very passionate about my job.  I've wanted to maybe even change career fields altogether which means probably going back to college, but I also know that I have it pretty good where I'm at as far as schedule/flexibility, benefits, pay if I were to have a child.  I look for jobs to apply for and then talk myself out of them because the whole "what if I get pregnant" pops up and I've convinced myself I shouldn't make some huge career move with more stress/responsibility if we're TTC.  I don't want to put my life on hold because of TTC, but also I don't want to create more stress by trying to change my whole career right now.  DH doesn't think I should make a move either.  We currently have no children so we are sort of anticipating the amount of stress/craziness that will ensue if we do have a child.  I just know that I feel like I'm just going through the motions at my job and not finding it very rewarding/feeling complacent.

Anyone else experience something like this?  Is there anything in your life that you are postponing due to TTC?  

KLake42

Mostly, I'm just postponing vacations, stone they might conflict with fertility treatments (on the IVF train now).

I have thought that I'd like to start my own business (hang a shingle, since I'm an attorney), but I'm probably going to wait until I've paid off the IVF debt. It's also a fall-back option, in case I decide I really need to be a SAHM for a little while at some point. Then I can start 

jennh75b

@KLake42 Yes, indeed, vacations!  That would definitely keep you from that.  I do like your plan about paying off the debt before hanging your shingle.  Sounds solid to me.

I didn't mention but I'm the breadwinner out of the two of us, so I feel a lot of pressure (that I'm putting on myself, DH doesn't put any pressure on me) to keep making more money, only take jobs that make more than what I make now, which may not necessarily jive with me wanting to find my "passion" in a career.  

chloe97

I completely understand this! I've had the same job for 10 years and though I like it and it fulfills me, I sometimes feel like I'm going through the motions. I've never even tried to find another job outside the organization I work for because of the health benefits. I always knew I'd get married later and could potentially need fertility treatment, and here I am. Hopefully, I won't need it, but as I told H last night after my 2nd doctor's appt already in the new year- thank god I don't have to worry about money and I can just worry about my health and getting my baby.

I also work at a place where my boss Is extremely understanding about what I've been going through and been super flexible with me and doctors appts.

That being said, there is a small part of me that worries that it won't work out and we will never have children and I will regret not advancing in my career.

H is just starting off with the potential to earn nothing or big money (he's in sales), so we need stability right now. Long story short, I'm stuck where I am. I'm okay with it, but sometimes I wonder if I should be.

jennh75b

@chloe97 - That is exactly how I feel.  I am in a good place, been at the same company for 12 years now (6 years in current position), never felt the need to leave but occasionally changed positions, have flexibility and really understanding supervisors who let me take off when I need and sometimes don't even need to take my PTO hours to go to appointments, work from home two days a week, etc.  In many ways it is the perfect, low stress and stable job I need when TTC/possibly being a new mom.  I do just wonder if I may be passing up certain things/jobs to apply for and then I may end up childless in the end.  I know it's wise to stay where I'm at, but sometimes I do feel mentally stuck and just not challenged enough.  I take on new tasks all of the time when asked just to spice things up, but it's all still the same work, really.  

Thank you for sharing your story!  It helps to know I'm not the only one feeling a bit stuck...and all hinging on the idea of being a mother or not.  I've never been the type to have a 5 year plan or even a 1 year plan, with things sort of mapped out, but now more than ever I want a 5 year plan but cannot plan anything!  I have an "if I'm a mom" plan, and an "if I'm not a mom" plan, and it's difficult when you can't commit to either one.

amimhof

Hi @jennh75b.  I've been doing the same thing myself.  I was bored at my job and thinking of going somewhere else, but wondered if it was fair to get a new job when TTC, especially since I don't plan on working if/when we have kids.  But I did decide to pursue opportunities, because I can't put everything on hold for what *might* happen.  I figure I just need to do what's best for me now. 

I'm getting ready to start a new job (just waiting for all the background checks to be completed before giving notice), and I admit I will feel a little bad if I leave a year from now, but it was a good opportunity and close to home, so I couldn't pass it up.

jennh75b

@amimhof - I admire your approach as well and do occasionally take that attitude.  I have applied for two jobs that are only within the larger system that I work for so I won't have to worry about whether my benefits will change, etc. by going to a whole new company, but so far haven't been called back on them so it is what it is, and wasn't sure I would take them anyway, just wanted to explore my options.  I did interview for one position within my company last year when we started TTC but was not selected.  Since then I have been feeling stuck.  

PoeMasque

I can completely sympathize. I actually put off TTC in order to go back to school and change careers. I loved the people I worked with but I had gotten to the point where my job just wasn't challenging or fulfilling anymore. I'm honestly on the fence as to whether it was the best idea or not. Financially it worked out because I invested in real estate at the right time and will be able to pay off the majority of my debt with the sale of a house, but without the house I would have been in a very difficult spot down the road. I now have a career with more options and better pay, but I am stuck right now putting in time at hospital 65 miles away from home due to being new in my field. I could see myself being able stomach my old job if I had a child at home to focus on, but now I have a career that will be much more accommodating to part time work (if need be) as well as more fulfilling - although more stressful and not as flexible for the next year.

To be honest though, life is short. You never know what is around the corner, so why spend any of it being unhappy or stagnant? plan financially for the "what ifs" and you'll be fine. I've always ended up a better person when I took a (calculated) chance and made big changes.

rspalding001

I think in the end you have to do what is best for your life as it currently is and try not to worry too much about the what-ifs..especially since many of us are unsure if our dreams of having a child or another child will be fulfilled. My last job had an amazing parental leave policy. With my DD I was able to take 6 months off and it was all paid leave. After I came back I tried sticking it out until I could take leave again with # 2, but I just couldn't do it (made it 10 months). It was miserable in terms of the number of hours they wanted from you and as a new Mom I just couldn't justify being away from my daughter that much even if the maternity leave benefits were amazing. In the end I left for a new company that has almost no paid time off (except the state required minimum) but a much better work life balance. I hope that when we have a second child I can find a way to stay at home for 6 months, even if its unpaid, but ultimately Im glad I made the decision I did since Im unsure now if we are ever going to have a second.
Being financially responsible is always a good idea regardless however, kids or not.

Piperella

I've been second-guessing myself as well when it comes to my career.  I'm the breadwinner and I'm too scared to change from the K-12 field to the private sector.  I'm no longer a teacher, but work in the prof. development dept.  I've had two more senior people in K-12 ask my point blank why I haven't switched out to corporate.  Yes, I know the money is there (which would be a huge help) but I'm honestly scared about the stress and competition I would feel in a different company.  Right now I'm trying my best to keep my DH motivated to stay in school, although now it looks like we are going to move towards a career/trade path potentially.  My end goal is for both of us to be happy with what we do for a career, and hopefully the financial aspect will be okay too.  Maybe i'm being too naive, but I appreciate reading all your comments above... it really hits home and it's good to know I'm in great company.

BernieRae

Chiming in a little late...I read this thread last week and it was inspirational. Thank you for sharing how you're feeling.  It's comforting to know that many us are in the same boat. I do feel like I've been putting career stuff on hold while anticipating a baby and what that would mean. This week I decided to seek a different teaching position at my school. It's a lateral move, but a move nonetheless and it feels good to know that a change could happen next fall even if it's not the huge life change I'm really wanting. My current teaching partner will not be returning in the fall because she's pregnant now and will be taking the year off with her newborn. I think if I'm in the same room/same position I'll just feel left behind and depressed. I've also decided to finally take steps to transfer/acquire my teaching license In the state I live which would open me up to other job opportunities.  
I do think it can make a lot of sense to hold off on a job/career change until after TTC. For me I've just reached the point where I need to have something non-baby related to look forward to. Like @rspalding001 said, we have to do what is best for our lives right now. I think for a while what felt best for me was putting things off  

jennh75b

@BernieRae - that is exactly what I was thinking when I would look for jobs (but usually talk myself out of it) - that I needed to have another focus, something to spice things up and not feel so stagnant.  I just know for my own mental health it's better to stay put or stay doing something similar if that opportunity would ever come up at the company I work for.  I think your situation sounds great...nothing to out of the ordinary, but enough to give you a different focus.  Good luck to you...in all aspects!