In Laws Missing birth of first grandchild.

abelwart87@yahoo.com

To all new mom's I wanted to ask what you thought of my situation on how I could support my husband. My in laws planned a trip 4 months ago knowing the due date for Thier first grandchild is January 2. I asked if they bought travel insurance in case I was late. My MIL told me she had so I felt relieved. I had them over this past weekend and she had the nerve to ask me to plan her excursions for her on a trip we don't want them to go on now that my due date is now gone and past. It is now January 5th and I am scheduled by the hospital and my doctors orders to be induced at 41 weeks on January 9th. Come to find out my MIL lied about travelers insurance and are still planning on taking this trip. When my husband told my MIL about the scheduled induction she had the audacity to try to put in a request and for us to change the date to fit her vacation scheduale. When my husband told my FIL his response was that the baby will be there when they get back 10 days after its born and that he had his own kid's and experience so this was no big deal to miss. My point being I have never met two people who cared any less for the feelings of Thier son and who obviously don't want a connection with Thier grandchild. Ladies as a spouse how do I support my husband during these difficult times with my in laws?

ambercakes92

I sympathize, because it's really hard to see your SO feeling hurt. However, I'm kind of leaning towards agreeing with FIL. Baby WILL still be there after ten days...I don't think seeing baby at that point means they don't want a connection with their grandchild. They'll still have plenty of time to spoil and love on baby. As for how to comfort DH...just be there to listen to his hurt, I suppose. Reassure him that his parents will still have time to meet and form a connection with LO.

Sarcasm101

abelwart87@yahoo.com said:

To all new mom's I wanted to ask what you thought of my situation on how I could support my husband. My in laws planned a trip 4 months ago knowing the due date for Thier first grandchild is January 2. I asked if they bought travel insurance in case I was late. My MIL told me she had so I felt relieved. I had them over this past weekend and she had the nerve to ask me to plan her excursions for her on a trip we don't want them to go on now that my due date is now gone and past. It is now January 5th and I am scheduled by the hospital and my doctors orders to be induced at 41 weeks on January 9th. Come to find out my MIL lied about travelers insurance and are still planning on taking this trip. When my husband told my MIL about the scheduled induction she had the audacity to try to put in a request and for us to change the date to fit her vacation scheduale. When my husband told my FIL his response was that the baby will be there when they get back 10 days after its born and that he had his own kid's and experience so this was no big deal to miss. My point being I have never met two people who cared any less for the feelings of Thier son and who obviously don't want a connection with Thier grandchild. Ladies as a spouse how do I support my husband during these difficult times with my in laws?

I think you both just need to let it go. Its your ILs right to take a vacation whenever they want. Based on your FILs response, they clearly don't think its a big deal to miss the birth.

FWIW, I think you are being overly dramatic. They can still be connected to their son and grandchild and not be at the birth. And if you don't want to change your dates or book her excursions, say "no."

skruhmin

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be upset on this one.  If anything the lower the number of people in the hospital room the better.  Baby will still be there when they get back - and it gives them something fun to look forward to.  I don't see it as them not caring, I see it more that they are living their lives.  It's healthy for them not to be 100% about the grandchild, even if that does hurt you.  And it sounds like they made their trip around your duedate, not an induction date.  So they tried.

flowerpower5838

I can understand being upset that MIL straight up lied about traveler's insurance, but I think that there are probably at least a few jealous women sitting here reading your story. If your DH is upset his parents aren't going to be at the hospital first thing after baby is born, try to spin the situation and let him know how this can actually end up being a good thing.

IMO, your ILs are allowed to have their own lives and it's healthy that they do. Having your ILs meet your LO 10 days post-partum will probably make things easier for everyone in the long run. You, DH and baby will have plenty of time to bond and you can start to fall into a routine and get the hang of things.

I personally would rather my MIL stay away for a little while but unfortunately for me it's not "fair" if my mom gets to come visit after birth (not at the hospital) and DH's mom doesn't. Harumph.

g8trkim

I really don't think it's that big of a deal. Lots of in laws live states away and don't see the baby until weeks or months after they are born. If they want to schedule a vacation it's their business and yes the baby will be there when they return. Plus, they DID schedule their vacation around the birth but they had no way of knowing baby would be late. I think you're being unfair by expecting them to change their plans. Saying they don't care about their son's feelings and don't care about a connection with the grandchild is really unfair and overly dramatic. Let it go.

Bigboobsmcgee

Sarcasm101 said:

abelwart87@yahoo.com said:

To all new mom's I wanted to ask what you thought of my situation on how I could support my husband. My in laws planned a trip 4 months ago knowing the due date for Thier first grandchild is January 2. I asked if they bought travel insurance in case I was late. My MIL told me she had so I felt relieved. I had them over this past weekend and she had the nerve to ask me to plan her excursions for her on a trip we don't want them to go on now that my due date is now gone and past. It is now January 5th and I am scheduled by the hospital and my doctors orders to be induced at 41 weeks on January 9th. Come to find out my MIL lied about travelers insurance and are still planning on taking this trip. When my husband told my MIL about the scheduled induction she had the audacity to try to put in a request and for us to change the date to fit her vacation scheduale. When my husband told my FIL his response was that the baby will be there when they get back 10 days after its born and that he had his own kid's and experience so this was no big deal to miss. My point being I have never met two people who cared any less for the feelings of Thier son and who obviously don't want a connection with Thier grandchild. Ladies as a spouse how do I support my husband during these difficult times with my in laws?

I think you both just need to let it go. Its your ILs right to take a vacation whenever they want. Based on your FILs response, they clearly don't think its a big deal to miss the birth.

FWIW, I think you are being overly dramatic. They can still be connected to their son and grandchild and not be at the birth. And if you don't want to change your dates or book her excursions, say "no."

This, this, this.

Bigboobsmcgee

IL's can't win. Some parents-to-be complain because their IL's are TOO involved and then some complain because they aren't involved enough. You are about to have a baby, don't focus on the IL's since you can't control other people anyways, and just get ready for the baby. Good luck.

SarahFoley725

You sand DH will have to do lots of parenting withou help from your parents. It sucks they can't be there when he wants them to be,but honestly he'll have to learn he can't depend on them to always be there when he wants or needs them. They have a right to their own life and if the birth isn't their priority then so be it. Your LO will be here any day so start getting excited about that and don't worry about them! Congratulations!

Taraphanie

We live in New Jersey and my IL's and parents are in Canada, so they won't be there for the birth of the baby. They will come and visit after a couple of weeks. I don't think it's a big deal if your IL's are not there for the birth of your child. Just support your DH if he's upset.

kyraaD

i agree with some PP's about you being a little overly dramatic about the whole situation. going on a 10 day vacation doesn't mean they dont want a connection with their grandchild. it sucks that they lied about having travelers insurance, but there's really nothing you can do about it. let it go, & focus on preparing for your LO's arrival. i hope the birth goes smoothly & congratulations!

ecwk

I would be annoyed at the lying about insurance and at the suggestion to change your section date. Other than that, not so much. Life doesn't stop just because a baby is being born and they have a right to take a vacation whenever they want to. It doesn't mean they don't want to be connected to their grandchild. My ILs will be away when our baby is born and we are suggesting they come a few weeks later because my parents will be around first and it would honestly be too manic with both sets of grandparents around. Just because they are ok with this and not knocking on our door the second I have a contraction doesn't mean they don't love this first grandchild with all their hearts.

Disneygeek77

I am having a hard time understanding what the big deal is.  Their lives shouldn't stop because you are having a baby.  Maybe early January is simply the best time for them to go on a vacation.  I mean I had family miss my wedding because they went to Disney World instead and it wasn't a big deal.  In fact, my ILs have never made it out for any of our 4 children's birth.  Didn't even meet our son until he was two and they still haven't seen our newest baby that is one.  Doesn't mean they don't care and don't have a connection, it just means they will have to wait to meet the baby until we make it out there or they gather the courage to fly.  :: shrugs :: it is what it is but I would never ever give them a hard time about it.  Ten days is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things.  If I am going to be completely honest, I think it is a bit selfish of you to ask them to not go on a vacation just so they can sit in a hospital waiting room for hours on end, meet the baby and then be shooed away.

cmerribury

I'm assuming you are upset on your husbands behalf because you love him. Fact is, you can't control the actions of others. And, if this is what your ILs are like, your husband is probably aware of it by now.

jessielynn1

Bigboobsmcgee said:

IL's can't win. Some parents-to-be complain because their IL's are TOO involved and then some complain because they aren't involved enough. You are about to have a baby, don't focus on the IL's since you can't control other people anyways, and just get ready for the baby. Good luck.

This so many times over. Take the time just the three of you and connect as a new family of three

delujm0

My dad was on vacation in Italy when LO, his first grandchild, was born at 39+6. I gave exactly zero fucks. Actually I was jealous that I wasn't also eating my way through italy at the time.

He met her when she was about 3 weeks old. My in laws and my mom were all over us the first few weeks anyway, and newborns really aren't very entertaining. You're overreacting. No one's world stops spinning when you have a baby, and they're really not missing much in the first 10 days. I seriously doubt this vacation will affect their future relationship with their grandkid. And you're going to feel like crap anyway so really the fewer visitors the better.

g8trkim

delujm0 said:

My dad was on vacation in Italy when LO, his first grandchild, was born at 39+6. I gave exactly zero fucks. Actually I was jealous that I wasn't also eating my way through italy at the time.

He met her when she was about 3 weeks old. My in laws and my mom were all over us the first few weeks anyway, and newborns really aren't very entertaining. You're overreacting. No one's world stops spinning when you have a baby, and they're really not missing much in the first 10 days. I seriously doubt this vacation will affect their future relationship with their grandkid. And you're going to feel like crap anyway so really the fewer visitors the better.

Thanks a lot! Now I want gelato and ALL the pasta... and bread... and wine...

lionstigersbears

Everything I want to say has already been covered exeept for this--to support your DH, help him see how this does have some benefits. The main connection your baby needs is with you and DH. You two can now focus on this without any guilt about pleasing his parents. It's two less people to worry about distracting from the joy and awe of becoming a parent, and they will have plenty of love to give upon their return.

sarahufl

Aside from grown women lying to one another, I don't see the issue.

I would prefer my ILs NOT be there.

dramaphile

My ILs love three hours away and didn't come to see DD until she was almost two weeks old. I was glad to have uninterrupted time to bond and figure out BFing and for my body to heal. It was much easier to entertain guests when I wasn't in a lot of pain and waddling around bleeding like a stuck pig. Your ILs will have plenty of time to bond with their grandchild, a few days won't matter in the long run.

Also, travel insurance generally only reimburses cancellations for things like funerals and medical issues, I don't think they pay out just because you changed your mind about going on your trip.

ehowa499

My in laws are going to Hawaii 4 days after my due date. If baby is late, they will get to meet when they get back. Not a big deal. It certainly won't change the relationship they will have with LO if they don't get to meet for a week or two after he or she is born.

groovylocks

My parents came to see Olive. They booked a trip where they'd arrive on the 17th of december. PERIOD. They did not get insurance. Nor did they fly because my mom is clasutrophobic. They took a train. They didn't buy insurance or an open ticket or anything like that. Their return date was Jan 1st. PERIOD. 

They planned to be there for Olive's birth (she was due on the 19th) but I found out on the 8th that i was being induced. They didn't change their ticket or fly in early (because, flat out, my mom doesn't fly. She missed my wedding because she doesn't fly. She missed her granddaughter's birth because she doesn't fly.. you get the idea)

I'm not at all angry. Because when they DID arrive (on her one week old anniversary), they doted not only on her but on me and my husband, taking care of our house and us all for two weeks while we settled in with our newborn. 

Nobody asked us to change our induction date. I would have been miffed if that had happened. Her induction was an emergency. So if somebody had asked me to hold off for a week, I would have been angry. But that they weren't there? My parents are very touchy feely. I am not. If they had been in that room with me and had tried to, like, cuddle me or something, i would have punched their lights out.

cMichelle0423

I wish my in laws would take a vacation while I gave birth. But instead they're inviting themselves to the birth center I'll be delivering at, despite me asking them not to come. Like pp's said, you can't control what other people do.

SarahFoley725

cMichelle0423 said:

I wish my in laws would take a vacation while I gave birth. But instead they're inviting themselves to the birth center I'll be delivering at, despite me asking them not to come. Like pp's said, you can't control what other people do.

If I were you I'd be too distracted to let them know I went into labor (;

PrimRoseMama

It is unreasonable for you to expect your in-laws to put their travel plans on hold for the birth of your baby. It's not like they won't see the kid later. Relax. They love you & support you just fine. They just have lives that don't revolve around your uterus. Chill.

mamakculb

I understand a lot of ladies on here saying it's not worth stressing over and getting upset about. I agree-to an extent. From what you've said it seems they aren't being very compassionate about your hope of them being there. I think it's fine for them to continue with their plans but to lie about it and then blow it off like its nothing important to them would hurt my feelings too.

I would be there for your husband, let him vent but don't fan the flames or it'll make everything worse. If your feelings are very hurt about it, kindly tell them but ultimately you just have to move on about it. Wait to make a judgment based on how they react to baby when they come back. Maybe they're trying to stay out of the way and it's less stress on them if they're occupied elsewhere. I doubt it's that they don't care at all, but I understand you being hurt over it, I would be too.

Prayers for a healthy delivery and a happy first meeting with the baby and grandparents.

suchaglencoco

I'd be more upset about being overdue. That sounds dreadful.
I feel so bad when women wait their 40 weeks patiently and lo decides they are too comfy to come out and mtb is completely miserable.

Sarcasm101

Post and bail, shocking.

sarahufl

cMichelle0423 said:

I wish my in laws would take a vacation while I gave birth. But instead they're inviting themselves to the birth center I'll be delivering at, despite me asking them not to come. Like pp's said, you can't control what other people do.

yeah, it may slip my mind to tell them I was in labor.

Seriously, childbirth is not a spectator sport!

Knottie59802221

SarahFoley725 said:

cMichelle0423 said:

I wish my in laws would take a vacation while I gave birth. But instead they're inviting themselves to the birth center I'll be delivering at, despite me asking them not to come. Like pp's said, you can't control what other people do.

If I were you I'd be too distracted to let them know I went into labor (;

THIS IS THE BEST SUGGESTION I HAVE EVER READ ON THIS BOARD!! sorry for the all caps, but this has given me hope that I can get away with not having ALL my in laws in the delivery room staring at my vajaja.

delujm0

Knottie59802221 said:

I wish my in laws would take a vacation while I gave birth. But instead they're inviting themselves to the birth center I'll be delivering at, despite me asking them not to come. Like pp's said, you can't control what other people do.

If I were you I'd be too distracted to let them know I went into labor (;

THIS IS THE BEST SUGGESTION I HAVE EVER READ ON THIS BOARD!! sorry for the all caps, but this has given me hope that I can get away with not having ALL my in laws in the delivery room staring at my vajaja.

Yeah...most hospitals have a cap on the number of people that are allowed in the delivery room while you're pushing...and even if they don't, if you tell your nurses that you only want certain people in there, they will kindly evict the others if you can't seem to do it yourself.  NO ONE is entitled to watch a baby come out of your nethers.  Not even the father if you don't want him there.  That is an invitation-only event, and you have complete control of the guest list.

imakeeff0rts

I kind of lol when I read these.
Honestly, what are you expecting them to do while you're in labor? It could take hours, and sometimes days for baby to come. Are they just supposed to sit around and be awkward and/or bored? Devote every one of their waking seconds to you and H? Look deep into your vaj and become familiar with all of its secrets?

Instead of being unnecessarily angry at them, look at this as a time for you and your husband to bond with your child without additional interruptions. So what if they're not there right as he or she pops out? Your baby isn'tgoing to know, and your baby isn'tgoingto want to see them. Your baby is goingto want YOU. The golden hour is very much real, and very important.
Bond with your baby.
Let your husband bond with his baby.
Bond as a family, and try to figure out this parenting thing. You don't need them there.

MississippiCatfish

I would be frustrated that MIL was passive agressive enough to lie about vacation plans rather than just saying, "We're okay with waiting to meet the baby when he's a week old."  Then your husband would have had the opportunity to say, "I really wish you would plan to be here" if it's important to him, and have that conversation.  So, yes, that's crappy of them.  But to say, "My point being I have never met two people who cared any less for the feelings of Thier son and who obviously don't want a connection with Thier grandchild." is very, very, very incorrect to me. 

ecwk

Sarcasm101 said:

Post and bail, shocking.

Um, I do believe the correct term is "post and ghost"

skruhmin

Would you take drive by poster?

SaltyMcNulty

imakeeff0rts said:

I kind of lol when I read these. Honestly, what are you expecting them to do while you're in labor? It could take hours, and sometimes days for baby to come. Are they just supposed to sit around and be awkward and/or bored? Devote every one of their waking seconds to you and H? Look deep into your vaj and become familiar with all of its secrets? Instead of being unnecessarily angry at them, look at this as a time for you and your husband to bond with your child without additional interruptions. So what if they're not there right as he or she pops out? Your baby isn'tgoing to know, and your baby isn'tgoingto want to see them. Your baby is goingto want YOU. The golden hour is very much real, and very important. Bond with your baby. Let your husband bond with his baby. Bond as a family, and try to figure out this parenting thing. You don't need them there.

I just spit my tea all over the table. Thanks.... 

MamaHolland

They had & raised their own children already. They have the right to travel & live footloose & fancy free if they want to. You and are husband are grown adults. Though your husband may want his parents at the birth they aren't obligated or being bad parents by making their priority to be their vacation/trip. Your husband is a grown man, it's for him to be there for his family & his wife. They are the grandparents not the parents. They made all the sacrifices they were obligated to make while their children were young/minors, they aren't shouldn't be required or pressured to make those sacrifices now for your child. It's your turn... Welcome to parenthood. The only person responsible for your child is the two of you. Time to grow up. Sounds like your husband needs to cut his own umbilical cord.

goldie987

I'm actually in the exact opposite situation and its kind of interesting to look at this from the other side. My in laws planned a long awaited 7 day cruise with some extended family from June 19-June 26 before I got pregnant. I'm due June 24th and we spent weeks convincing my in laws to not cancel their trip because the baby will be here when they get back (and who knows if the baby will come on time anyways). Your in laws realizing there is more to their life than their children/grand children is something you may come to love in the coming years. Based solely on what you've said, I personally would be glad to switch for my MIL who is having really hard time managing her children all being out of the house and starting their own lives not right next door to her.

groovylocks

My MIL, typically VERY invasive with boundary issues, was wonderful during labor. She came in early on and brought me snacks, gave me a pat on the shoulder and a hug and told me she, or somebody, would be out in the family area if I needed anybody. But you know, she wasn't there the whole time. She went to and from work. 

cMichelle0423

SarahFoley725 said:

cMichelle0423 said:

I wish my in laws would take a vacation while I gave birth. But instead they're inviting themselves to the birth center I'll be delivering at, despite me asking them not to come. Like pp's said, you can't control what other people do.

If I were you I'd be too distracted to let them know I went into labor (;

Seriously considering it. Kind of hoping that I go into labor in the middle of the night, or at least late enough to where we can text them while they're sleeping and hope they don't get it til morning lol that would be perfect. Especially since our birth center is 2 hours away from them.

jenniferamcooper

@cMichelle0423 our in laws live 1 hr away and my parents live 4, our plan was to always call them when I started pushing because we didn't want them to be there, or constantly contacting us. My husband called everyone when I was wheeled in for my emergency c section (fetal distress during cervical ripening at 41+3), no one even knew I was in the hospital because it was an outpatient induction at this point.

Never feel bad about wanting to make the day about you, your partner and your new baby.