STM, will your SO stay or go? — The Bump
February 2016 Moms

STM, will your SO stay or go?

I remember on my last BMB thinking it was crazy and strange that some husbands were planning to go home at night while mom was in the hospital.

This time around, I'm thinking I'd like to have H go home and stay with DD (who will be 2.5) at night instead of at the hospital. There really isn't any reason he needs to stay there, and it would be nice if one of us was getting some sleep (because it sure as heck won't be me!). Also, DD has never slept over anywhere else, and I'd like to keep a little normalcy if I can.

H is undecided, I think he feels guilty for leaving me/us there alone, but we'll be just fine. Honestly, I'd love to be able to go right home after delivery, but I know that's not an option.

So, what are your plans?

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Re: STM, will your SO stay or go?

  • Same here. DS will be almost 18 months when his sister is born so I want H to stay home with him so at least one of his parents is there abd he still feels somewhat a sense of normalcy. H feels bad as well because i'll have a repeat CS but really I will be fine alone and actually will prefer it
  • DH will be going home at night. Our two boys will be staying with grandma for a few days, so he doesn't need to be there for them, but I know he'll be more comfortable and as much as he likes to think that he'll be taking a break from work I know him and he'll be itching to get things done there too (he runs his own business and doesn't have any other employees). At least one of us will be rested and I don't have to feel like he's at the hospital all day bored out of his mind. He'll visit and spend time there to hang with me and the twins, but there really isn't much for him to do there.

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  • My husband was deployed when we had our first baby. But with our second and third he went home at night. We both wanted him home with our older children. I honestly did not mind at all. I preferred my kids to be with him at home in their own beds. With this baby I told him after I delivery and I'm settled I want him to pick up the kids right away (might be with aunt) and then they will go home all together.
  • edited December 2015
    When we had our 2nd, our oldest was 21 months and we hadn't ever both left him overnight. I kind of wanted DH to go home to him, but DH was pretty firm that he wanted to stay at the hospital the entire time if I was okay with it. He wanted that uninterrupted time to bond with the baby right away, before having to split his attention. In hind sight, I am so glad that we made that decision. It was great to have that alone, QUIET time before heading home into the kid chaos:) We will do it the same way again this time. If my kids were struggling at bedtime, nap time, sick, etc I do think I would ask him to go for for a little while to check in.

    ETA I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I can't see regretting your husband having a little special one on one time with your firstborn before baby comes home:)
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  • The plan (which is always likely to change) is to have DD be with my mom for the first night. She's 4- turning 5 on my due date. Then DH would go home the 2nd night to be with her. She'll hopefully be able to visit us in the hospital as well. But depending on RSV/flu season they don't let anyone under 14 in, even siblings. Of course, DD is obsessed with my mom and may prefer to just stay with her. Regardless DH will go home to spend time with DD. I guess we're basically going to wait and see.
  • We are planning for DH staying for the whole hospital stay, maybe leaving for a short time during the day to spend time with DS (who will be with SIL). There is plenty of time for "normalcy" after we have the special bonding time in the hospital that we had with DS.



  • edited December 2015
    With my first he spent the night but with my second I sent him home because we had a toddler at home and I could tell how unsettled and out of sorts she was with all the big changes happening so I wanted him to be with her. Even though she is super close with my mom (which is who had her), she could tell something was different so I didn't mind spending the night alone at all knowing they were together. But I also only had to spend one night there. This time will be a lot more complicated with a longer stay, but we are going to make it work somehow.

    Edited to add: if I didn't have kids at home I would darn well expect him to be spending the night(s) with me.
    Baby #3 due February. Dx with Spina Bifida Myelo  "good things are coming down the road, just don't stop walking"
  • DH will be going home at night to be with DD (who will be 22mo). DH was miserable in the uncomfortable sleeping arrangements last time (he's a tall guy and those tiny guest beds didn't work for him). So I know that he's looking forward to sleeping in his own bed for a night or two :) If I am in labor overnight again, then either the ILs will come stay at our house with DD or we will drop DD off at her daycare provider's house (in the neighborhood).... It just depends on the time/day that I go into labor and go to the hospital.
  • VitaLuna said:

    I remember on my last BMB thinking it was crazy and strange that some husbands were planning to go home at night while mom was in the hospital.

    This time around, I'm thinking I'd like to have H go home and stay with DD (who will be 2.5) at night instead of at the hospital. There really isn't any reason he needs to stay there, and it would be nice if one of us was getting some sleep (because it sure as heck won't be me!). Also, DD has never slept over anywhere else, and I'd like to keep a little normalcy if I can.

    H is undecided, I think he feels guilty for leaving me/us there alone, but we'll be just fine. Honestly, I'd love to be able to go right home after delivery, but I know that's not an option.

    So, what are your plans?

    I haven't actually discussed this with my husband. I know my dad or sister will watch DD who is 2.5 but I just assumed my husband would spend the night like with our first. DD has slept over at grandpas and aunts before but it's always a struggle to get her to sleep!
  • My DS will stay at my moms and DH will stay at the hospital with me. The plan is to leave 3-4 hours after delivery, so hopefully between labour and delivery, it will only be one night. If I end up with a c-section, DH will stay for the first night or two to help me, and then will go home to stay with DS for the remainder so he doesn't get too anxious being away too long.

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  • I'm glad you asked this. We were just talking about it tonight. My H is leaning towards coming home and I'm leaning towards having him stay in the hospital! Our first will be 22 months old but he has stayed overnight at grandparents' houses plenty already, so I'm not too worried about him. I feel like I'm going to be nervous being alone in the hospital with a newborn again, like I won't remember how to do it. I'm feeling selfish and guilty though because H would be more comfortable at home and maybe it would be better for the toddler to stay at home.

    We have no specific plan for when I go into labor for our toddler- just going to play it by ear. We are super lucky to have tons of family nearby that I feel confident someone will be able to pick him up or come to stay with him no matter how it plays out.
  • With DD, I only stayed one night in the hospital and DH stayed with me, so one night away from DS wasn't a huge deal. Hopefully I only have to stay one night again this time. If not, he may come back the 2nd night. We obviously haven't planned that far ahead yet.
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  • With our second, we decided to play it by ear. DS was 2 1/2. It worked out that my mom was in town and stayed at our house so DH stayed at the hospital one night and my mom stayed the other night. This time we will play it by ear as well. I don't care if he stays or not. We will have a 3 and 5 year old at home and it will depend on when baby decides to come and who can help with the kids.




  • AussiechickaAussiechicka
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    edited December 2015
    My sister arrives from Australia 3 days before my induction day, so all going to plan DS will be in his own bed and she will watch him. If baby happens to come early then H will come home and spend time with him. We don't have family in town and we don't have a village yet. It's probably the biggest thing stressing me right now is if she decides to come early and all our well made plans go out the window!
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  • If all goes to plan for RCS, we should have a baby by that afternoon. DH will stay the first night for sure, especially if I develop PUPPP as bad as I did. The other one of two nights will be decided later. We actually haven't even talked about it. DD has slept over my parent's house for fun a couple of times (or they would put her to bed at our house) and would be fine if she stayed two or three nights. We all live about 10 minutes from the hospital so I'm not too worried! Good luck!!
    Married: 2012 --- BFP: 2013 - Little Miss arrived: 2014 --- BFP #2: 2015 - EDD: 2/2016 (Team Green)
  • My 16 month old DS has never spent a night away from me. We live 45 mins from the hospital and my best friend lives 10 mins from the hospital so DS will stay with her. She's put him to bed a couple times and he's spent plenty of time there (as well as a few nights, but always accompanied by me). If everything goes smoothly and I feel as good as I did last time after delivery, I'm encouraging DH to go shower and sleep at least a few hours at her house as well. He wants to stay with me but I see no need for him to be miserable in a hospital pull out chair/bed. And I would feel better if he was there when DS woke up in the morning. But if I'm hurting, having trouble moving around or have a section, I definitely want him there with me so we'll see!
  • Well, STM and 2nd c-section here.  Hubby will definitely be staying at the hospital with me!  I will need him the first night at least because I probably won't be moving.  So he'll have to change baby boy and bring him to me when he needs to nurse.  
    I'm also with all you who have a toddler whose never spent a night away.  I'm really worried about how she is going to handle mommy being in the hospital.  Thankfully, I've got two wonderful sisters who she loves very much and I am hoping that one of them will be able to stay with her at our house.  
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  • I just said to DH, "You know, if you wanted to come sleep at home when we have the baby, that's okay with me. I know it's not the most comfortable night's sleep in the hospital for you." He was like, "Are you joking me!?!? That's part of the fun!! Waking up in the middle of the night to change that disgusting tar poop!?!! I wouldn't miss that!"

    Thanks honey. Somehow I'd forgotten all about that...
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  • We're all going to be home. One of the perks of a home birth I guess! My mom lives an hour away and will come pick up DS if we need someone to watch him during the birth. We also have a couple of friends in town who could get there faster if needed. DS is crazy about my mom and spends lots of time at her house. So if the need be he can stay there. I am hopeful that he is able to be home for the whole thing and can be picked up sometime when baby is a day or two old for a few hours with grandma.
  • Third time mom... DH stayed with me the entire time with our other two. We plan to do the same since we'll be at a birth center this time. We'll be able to leave and go home a few hours after I deliver.
  • I'm expecting baby #3 and my husband has never stayed a night at the hospital with me. The pull out bed option at hospitals is terrible, nurses interrupt you all night long to check vitals, it isn't a restful place! My husband came back to the hospital each day...but he didn't stay all day long (with baby 1, husband was in his second semester of law school and had classes and homework...with baby 2, husband spent time with our first born since my hospital room wasn't a great place for a 2 year old to hang out all day long). With this baby, my husband will sleep at home, get my oldest off to school each morning and pick him up from school each day. This will be my 3rd csection which means 3 days in the hospital...my husband would go crazy just sitting there watching me and a sleeping baby!

    I've honestly never understood why the husband would be at the hospital round the clock...obviously he's excited for the baby and wants to be there with me and the baby, but newborns spend most of the day sleeping, occasionally waking up to eat and poop. People talk about bringing the Xbox to the hospital to entertain husband...obviously that isn't "bonding time" with baby, so what's the point in staying at the hospital 24 hours a day?
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  • He stayed with me last time, sleeping on a chair. He would go home in the am for a couple of hours to shower, check on the dogs and etc.
    this time, my first will be staying with my mom and he's used to spending nights over there, I'm not worried about him. Most likely, my husband will stay with me at the hospital overnight again and maybe go home for a couple of hours in the am and then when my first gets off school.
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  • I'm expecting baby #3 and my husband has never stayed a night at the hospital with me. The pull out bed option at hospitals is terrible, nurses interrupt you all night long to check vitals, it isn't a restful place! My husband came back to the hospital each day...but he didn't stay all day long (with baby 1, husband was in his second semester of law school and had classes and homework...with baby 2, husband spent time with our first born since my hospital room wasn't a great place for a 2 year old to hang out all day long). With this baby, my husband will sleep at home, get my oldest off to school each morning and pick him up from school each day. This will be my 3rd csection which means 3 days in the hospital...my husband would go crazy just sitting there watching me and a sleeping baby! I've honestly never understood why the husband would be at the hospital round the clock...obviously he's excited for the baby and wants to be there with me and the baby, but newborns spend most of the day sleeping, occasionally waking up to eat and poop. People talk about bringing the Xbox to the hospital to entertain husband...obviously that isn't "bonding time" with baby, so what's the point in staying at the hospital 24 hours a day?
    I will say, with my first it was nice to have him there. I could barely move and he did all the diaper changes. Plus he asked the nurses lots of questions and entertained visitors. As a new parent it was nice to have backup.




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  • Cheryl ReneeCheryl Renee
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    edited December 2015
    g8trkim said:

    I will say, with my first it was nice to have him there. I could barely move and he did all the diaper changes. Plus he asked the nurses lots of questions and entertained visitors. As a new parent it was nice to have backup.
    This exactly!  My husband also did all the diaper changes and most the entertaining.  We've got both sets of parents, 7 aunts and uncles who all live within 30 minutes of the hospital and will all be wanting to visit, so its nice to have him there.  With our first, he actually had to send people away from time to time so that I could get some rest and nurse baby girl!
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  • Where I live, daddies are not allowed to stay over in the hospital - the rooms, even private ones, are pretty bare-bones and there is no place for them. I loved sleeping with and feeding baby all night, and this time my husband can be with our son who has also never spent the night away from us. If there are no complications, though, I am allowed to go home with the new baby 10 hours after birth!

  • g8trkim said:




    I will say, with my first it was nice to have him there. I could barely move and he did all the diaper changes. Plus he asked the nurses lots of questions and entertained visitors. As a new parent it was nice to have backup.

    This exactly!  My husband also did all the diaper changes and most the entertaining.  We've got both sets of parents, 7 aunts and uncles who all live within 30 minutes of the hospital and will all be wanting to visit, so its nice to have him there.  With our first, he actually had to send people away from time to time so that I could get some rest and nurse baby girl!

    Perhaps that's why i didn't see the need for my husband to stay...we had baby 1 and 2 out of state and didn't have any family there for their births (everyone came later for the baby blessing). This baby

    g8trkim said:



    I'm expecting baby #3 and my husband has never stayed a night at the hospital with me. The pull out bed option at hospitals is terrible, nurses interrupt you all night long to check vitals, it isn't a restful place! My husband came back to the hospital each day...but he didn't stay all day long (with baby 1, husband was in his second semester of law school and had classes and homework...with baby 2, husband spent time with our first born since my hospital room wasn't a great place for a 2 year old to hang out all day long). With this baby, my husband will sleep at home, get my oldest off to school each morning and pick him up from school each day. This will be my 3rd csection which means 3 days in the hospital...my husband would go crazy just sitting there watching me and a sleeping baby!

    I've honestly never understood why the husband would be at the hospital round the clock...obviously he's excited for the baby and wants to be there with me and the baby, but newborns spend most of the day sleeping, occasionally waking up to eat and poop. People talk about bringing the Xbox to the hospital to entertain husband...obviously that isn't "bonding time" with baby, so what's the point in staying at the hospital 24 hours a day?

    I will say, with my first it was nice to have him there. I could barely move and he did all the diaper changes. Plus he asked the nurses lots of questions and entertained visitors. As a new parent it was nice to have backup.
    It strikes me as a little odd to "not understand" why a father would want to be with his brand new child for an extended period of time. Just saying.

    It isn't that he doesn't want to spend extended periods of time with his new baby, but when you live 10 minutes away from the hospital, it makes more sense that he'd go home to sleep while I'm attempting to sleep. I also send the baby to the nursery at night in an attempt to get some sleep, since recoving from a csection isn't easy, so it isn't like the baby is in the room with us at that point anyway.
  • We are leaving DD with my mom who lives nearby and H will be coming and staying at the hospital. I just asked him the other day if he wanted to come home and spend the night and he said no, I want to be at the hospital like last time to help me out and be with our new baby.
  • My fiance is 6'4" and I doubt he'll get any rest on that pull-out chair thing, so I'll tell him he can go home and sleep but I guarantee he won't.

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  • We live about 35 min away from the hospital so h will be staying with me the whole time and DD will be with either my parents or my mil. The postpartum rooms at my hospital have king beds so there is plenty of room for dh to sleep comfortably. Other than the nurses coming in every two hours, and waking up with the baby :p
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  • Luckily my parents will be coming to stay with us about 3 weeks before my RCS. They have a full apartment in our basement so it's no trouble to have them stay with us...they live with us for 4 months in the summertime and its actually amazing! DS will stay with my parents and DH will stay with me in the hospital for 3 nights if all goes according to plan. I found it extremely helpful to have DH with me last time. I was in a lot of pain post cs and he did all the diaper changes, handed the baby to me for feeding, and was generally just there to spend time with the baby. I don't think I could get him to go home if I wanted him to!! However, if we had no family to help, it would be a totally different story.
  • We live less than a mile from our hospital but my DH wants to be there the whole time. This is our first child though so he is just as excited. We don't have another child we have to worry about, other than our cat and dog. My future sister in law will be with them and my DH will probably go let the dog out a few times while she is working but other than that he will be with me. I'm kind of happy for that because I'll need him to direct company in the room as both of our entire families are all in the same city.
  • I was deadset on having H stay home with DS but after reading all these responses I think I may have changed my mind. Its just hard because DS is so little and I have never been away from him even one night. He has not even stayed at grandparents' house overnight yet. You made several good points @MississippiCatfish that got me thinking so thanks. I think H will stay at least the first night and we'll go from there
  • So I sort of expected DH to come home and sleep here and all, but reading all of these stories from those who have had c-sections makes me wonder if I shouldn't ask him to stay with me. I guess we can play it by ear and there is always the nursing staff to help me out.

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  • purpletulippurpletulip
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    edited January 2016
    With my first I had a c section and the anti nausea meds they gave me knocked me out the whole first night, so DH stayed to take care of me and baby.
    He has stayed with the other babies too, even though I wanted him to go home to rest. He's tall and finds the hospital cots uncomfy, so he brings his own! It's some sort of camping cot (maybe from an army surplus store? Can't remember) that folds up small and is light and he likes it.
    I was freaked out at first about my other children with spending the night away from us, but it turned out to be no big deal. I'm sure there can be special circumstances but I think kids are more resilient than we think and spending the night somewhere else or with someone new can be fun for them!


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  • We are having a c-section, and I've asked my husband to stay with me. I don't want to be left alone. It's strange but I'm to scared to be left alone.
    My daughter who will be almost 3, will be staying with my parents.

  • He's staying, our current dilemma is if dd will stay or go. She's never stayed over with out us but since she will be at our house with my grandma maybe she will be ok.
    It is going to just depend how the days go, how long we are staying etc
    H said he would go home and help out her to bed then come back so that's probably the plan.
  • H is heading home to stay with #1 and #2.  He did that for #2's birth as well.  It worked out really well actually, because I just wanted to get some sleep and the nurses keep coming in so someone should at least get a good nights sleep.
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