Late Term and Child Loss
Kurtni
member
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Struggling This Week
Kurtni
member
I've mostly been a lurker and occassional commentor, but I really need to get some of this out.
My daughter was stillborn at 25 weeks November 27th due to cord torsion and a true knot. This was my first pregnancy. My husband and I had been trying for a year before she was conceived. To say we were devastated is an understatement.
After her birth, I was extremely sad but able to function. I had hope that our daughter would someday be a big sister and we would get through this. I felt very close to my husband and was able to find support from my family.
But lately I feel like I will never make it through this. My SIL is supposed to have a baby any day now. I am a mix of incredibly anxious for her, worrying something awful could happen to my nephew, and incredibly sad and honestly jealous. I get so furious when she complains about being overdue (even though logically I know I might do the same if I was that uncomfortable).
Listening to my family talk about their baby and all the milestones we will miss is too much, I've been avoiding my family all week. No one talks about our baby. We gave her grandmas memorial ornaments and no one put them on their trees. I don't know what I'm expecting, I just hate that it feels like she's forgotten and a taboo subject. My great grandma made my baby a blanket and was going to give it to me at Christmas, but my mom and grandma told her not to. I was so angry when I found that out. I have so few things of hers, I would have loved it. I'm sick of people speaking for me and trying to act like she was never born.
I feel disconnected from my husband, because our grief looks so different now. He tries to comfort me but I don't think he feels this loss the same way I do. I tried to explain to him that we are feeling different things and he took it the wrong way and got angry with me. I felt horrible. I don't think his grief is less, just different.
I've spent a lot of time in bed crying this week. I'm alone most of the day until my husband gets home from work. Nothing that helped me cope before is helping now. I don't know what to do. I wasn't expecting to feel my worst a month out.
My daughter was stillborn at 25 weeks November 27th due to cord torsion and a true knot. This was my first pregnancy. My husband and I had been trying for a year before she was conceived. To say we were devastated is an understatement.
After her birth, I was extremely sad but able to function. I had hope that our daughter would someday be a big sister and we would get through this. I felt very close to my husband and was able to find support from my family.
But lately I feel like I will never make it through this. My SIL is supposed to have a baby any day now. I am a mix of incredibly anxious for her, worrying something awful could happen to my nephew, and incredibly sad and honestly jealous. I get so furious when she complains about being overdue (even though logically I know I might do the same if I was that uncomfortable).
Listening to my family talk about their baby and all the milestones we will miss is too much, I've been avoiding my family all week. No one talks about our baby. We gave her grandmas memorial ornaments and no one put them on their trees. I don't know what I'm expecting, I just hate that it feels like she's forgotten and a taboo subject. My great grandma made my baby a blanket and was going to give it to me at Christmas, but my mom and grandma told her not to. I was so angry when I found that out. I have so few things of hers, I would have loved it. I'm sick of people speaking for me and trying to act like she was never born.
I feel disconnected from my husband, because our grief looks so different now. He tries to comfort me but I don't think he feels this loss the same way I do. I tried to explain to him that we are feeling different things and he took it the wrong way and got angry with me. I felt horrible. I don't think his grief is less, just different.
I've spent a lot of time in bed crying this week. I'm alone most of the day until my husband gets home from work. Nothing that helped me cope before is helping now. I don't know what to do. I wasn't expecting to feel my worst a month out.
Re: Struggling This Week
Nov 27 is so fresh. I am so sorry this has happened to you and your husband.
The ornament thing makes me angry. I can't think of anything nice/diplomatic to say about that so I will just leave it at that. @MamaBish has got it covered
It sounds like you feel overwhelmingly alone. You are not alone. This horrible loss has come to each woman on this board, and we know the pain you are dealing with.
I am 5 days post-delivery and had just posted on this board when I started sobbing again -- and tore my weakened stomach muscles. Poor DH woke up to a crying wife who also happened to be shrieking in pain and clutching her abdomen. Not so great considering recent events. Anyways I crept out of bed and called a girlfriend, then did some crying on her shoulder. Any chance you can find a friendly shoulder to do the same? If you wish, PM me and I will give you my phone number. If that doesn't sound creepy. Which it probably does.
Anyways so very sorry. You have made it through the first month and some, so congratulations on that achievement.
You are not feeling anything out of the ordinary.
I lost my son at 24 weeks and that was a year ago in September. I still feel the way you do some days. It does get easier, some days are hard. Right now I'm sure most days are still hard.
My DH and I handle emotions differently. I've found that he hides his to protect me but if makes me feel alone. We are still working on that part.
As for the family and friends...
We kept bring it up to them. Telling them repeatedly it was ok to ask about. Lots of our best friends still struggle with telling us their happy news. We still don't get real excited but it's nice to know.
I wish you both peace and patience. Patients with yourselves. It's going to get easier. You will come out the other side a better and stronger person.
Hugs and prayers
My SIL did have her baby, and I am handling it better than I thought. I try to make myself go visit the baby once a week. I've found when I am actually there with him, its not so hard. I love to spend time with him. The problem is being at home, and thinking about everything he does that my daughter never will.
But I'm getting through it. I started a new job last week that I love and its helpful to get out of the house. My grandma and aunt brought flowers over for Valentine's Day to take to Rosemary's grave which really meant a lot to me and assured me no one is forgetting about her.
@jlo1019 Yes, it definitely comes in waves. Learning to accept that some days will feel like it just happened all over again has helped me cope. I think I was trying to fight it and force myself to be okay for awhile.