I'm so truly sorry to hear this.. My first child Lillian passed away early in the third trimester last year and it is by far the worst experience I've ever gone through. The hospital staff took excellent care of my husband and I both though, and were very big on making sure I was in no pain for delivery and gave me lots of mental support. Surround yourself with caring people after the birth, and although it seems impossible to think about at the moment, things to eventually start to look better again. I found a lot of support on the late term and child loss boards, the woman there can all relate and give very helpful advise. I'll be praying for you and your family.
@alanna3622 I never saw this post in the beginning but saw it just now and I am so very sorry for what you have gone through. I am happy that you now know what was wrong and that you know IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! Now you can stop blaming yourself and asking "what if". You're a very strong woman and I wish you and your family nothing but the best!
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Thank you for the update. 1) you do not have to decide now if you want to have more biological child(ren). All you have to decide is that you are not ready for one now. You may be in a few weeks, months, years or never. All off those are completely ok. 2) my mom delivered my little brother sleeping at 8 months. She has barely spoken about it. It has been 30 years. I think I have mentioned Christopher Todd more than him. While I never met him, he is and will always be my brother. It still hurts here, and I wish I could help.
3) Don't worry what people think, you need to grieve however that means. If you want to talk about it, write a blog, write poetry, a sing, dance, bake... whatever helps you.
4) at least you know, with out a doubt, that you are not at fault for this. That guilt can destroy people. I hope this brings you some peace, even a little bit.
I am praying for you, your husband and your two other children.
Thank you for the update, dear. I have been thinking about you often & I am so glad that you & your husband were able to get some answers about what happened with sweet little John Allan. I hope this is able to give you both some of the closure that you needed & deserved.
Thank you for your update. I know nothing I say will comfort you but I am sending you love and warm thoughts and prayers. You are an amazing, courageous person. The love between you and John Allan shall last always and forever.
My baby has passed away. We are going back in the morning to be induced. We don't know why this has happened.
I will need to pick up stuff in the morning as we hadn't packed our hospital bag yet. The doctor said I most likely won't get a c-section, as those are usually done for issues relating to baby's health. I guess I will buy maxi pads and witch hazel from the drugstore? Pack slippers and phone charger.
I don't know why this would have happened. I heard a baby crying in the labour ward today and it made me feel like I was losing my mind.
Please tell me this gets better.
It does get better, I promise. After you deliver, they will move you to a side of the ward where they aren't moms with new babies. I have personal experience with this. And really, there are no words, and people will say the wrong thing, or won't know what to say. Find a good counselor, take medicine if you need it. Your obgyn can prescribe them. It will get better, but it will take time. Please do not let anyone tell you "you should feel better now" or anything like that. Take the time you need, and see a counselor. Sometimes, shit happens. I would suggest trying to find if there is a medical reason and get it fixed, if possible. It may make you feel better to find out what the reason is (if any).When we lost our first, they wanted to do testing on our LO, but we said no.
ETA: Sorry, didn't read the whole thread first b/c this is so emotional.Please see your complaint through to the end against the radiologist. That is an unacceptable oversight on his/their part.
Thank you for sharing your story. I just read this entire thread and like others, my heart breaks for you and your family. I hope you all are on a good path down the road of healing months later. No mother should ever experience this kind of pain and I was deeply saddened (and cried) when read your beautiful story. Thank you again for sharing. Take care of yourself
Thank you so much for sharing your birth story. We recently learned that our son has a congenital heart defect that isn't compatible with life, and he will die shortly after birth. It's not exactly the same situation as John Allan's birth, but I am so grateful to you for writing out your birth story.
You've given me a better idea of what to expect when our son is born. I'm so scared. But knowing what to expect makes it a little less scary.
I'm especially grateful to you for writing about how it feels when your milk comes in, but no baby is there. That has been a big fear of mine. It helps to know that yes, it IS physically and emotionally painful but YES, you can still express that milk to ease the physical pain. And that it takes about two weeks for the milk to stop coming.
You write beautifully, and just... Thank you. Thank you for putting this out there for the other mothers who won't bring their babies home.
I read your ladies messages and they made me cry, but in a good way. I am hopeful that this means that I am coming out of my depression. It would be good to live life again.
@PugsandKisses -- you and @AdorkablePixie are very wise. Thank you for giving me permission to not put so much pressure on myself. I am sorry to hear that you lost your brother. It is helpful to think about things in the long view. Not that the loss will get smaller, but that as time goes on this will form part of our bigger story.
@kwrightnb I am so sorry to hear about Lillian, and so glad you are expecting your rainbow.
Breastmilk was gone within only one week. A helpful tip is to buy 2 things: ice pack large enough to cover both breasts when you are sleeping, and a cabbage head. You put the soft part of a cabbage leaf inside each cup of your bra, very soothing.
Other unsolicited advice, feel free to ignore. Molly Bears https://www.mollybears.com/ can be ordered in the exact weight of your son, to help with the ache of empty arms. If you choose cremation, then urns can be ordered from the internet and are often much nicer / wider variety than your funeral home may offer. Many of the ones described as "keepsake urns" are an appropriate size.
You are welcome to join the community on the Late Term and Child Loss board. The board is not as active now, but there is a core group of regulars there who understand. There are a lot of supportive posts in the history of the board that you can search with the term CTT (carry to term). There is no controversy there about choosing to CTT or TFMR (terminate for medical reasons). It's a safe place.
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing and am sending you lots of love and hugs. I will send you a PM with my email, if you ever feel like you want to reach out.
I read something once that stuck with me. "I have carried you every moment of your life. I will love you for every second of mine."
Re: Induction at 33 weeks; extreme trigger warning **UPDATE - BIRTH STORY**
Surround yourself with caring people after the birth, and although it seems impossible to think about at the moment, things to eventually start to look better again. I found a lot of support on the late term and child loss boards, the woman there can all relate and give very helpful advise. I'll be praying for you and your family.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Menopur 75ml (upped to 112.5ml), Ovidrel, & IUI IUI #1 8/31/2015
9/15/2015: BFP HCG - 400, 9/17/2015: HCG - 827, 9/21/2015 - HCG 3,327!2) my mom delivered my little brother sleeping at 8 months. She has barely spoken about it. It has been 30 years. I think I have mentioned Christopher Todd more than him. While I never met him, he is and will always be my brother. It still hurts here, and I wish I could help.
3) Don't worry what people think, you need to grieve however that means. If you want to talk about it, write a blog, write poetry, a sing, dance, bake... whatever helps you.
4) at least you know, with out a doubt, that you are not at fault for this. That guilt can destroy people. I hope this brings you some peace, even a little bit.
I am praying for you, your husband and your two other children.
ETA: Sorry, didn't read the whole thread first b/c this is so emotional.Please see your complaint through to the end against the radiologist. That is an unacceptable oversight on his/their part.
You've given me a better idea of what to expect when our son is born.
I'm so scared. But knowing what to expect makes it a little less scary.
I'm especially grateful to you for writing about how it feels when your milk comes in, but no baby is there. That has been a big fear of mine. It helps to know that yes, it IS physically and emotionally painful but YES, you can still express that milk to ease the physical pain. And that it takes about two weeks for the milk to stop coming.
You write beautifully, and just... Thank you.
Thank you for putting this out there for the other mothers who won't bring their babies home.
@ecwk I just love you.
@PugsandKisses -- you and @AdorkablePixie are very wise. Thank you for giving me permission to not put so much pressure on myself. I am sorry to hear that you lost your brother. It is helpful to think about things in the long view. Not that the loss will get smaller, but that as time goes on this will form part of our bigger story.
@kwrightnb I am so sorry to hear about Lillian, and so glad you are expecting your rainbow.
@chiiandhideki @EmilyXLC @tgortney @CEBB11 @mclorn thank you
@pleasesendpicklesnow I am sorry I didn't respond earlier, I felt nervous
Breastmilk was gone within only one week. A helpful tip is to buy 2 things: ice pack large enough to cover both breasts when you are sleeping, and a cabbage head. You put the soft part of a cabbage leaf inside each cup of your bra, very soothing.
Other unsolicited advice, feel free to ignore. Molly Bears https://www.mollybears.com/ can be ordered in the exact weight of your son, to help with the ache of empty arms. If you choose cremation, then urns can be ordered from the internet and are often much nicer / wider variety than your funeral home may offer. Many of the ones described as "keepsake urns" are an appropriate size.
You are welcome to join the community on the Late Term and Child Loss board. The board is not as active now, but there is a core group of regulars there who understand. There are a lot of supportive posts in the history of the board that you can search with the term CTT (carry to term). There is no controversy there about choosing to CTT or TFMR (terminate for medical reasons). It's a safe place.
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing and am sending you lots of love and hugs. I will send you a PM with my email, if you ever feel like you want to reach out.
I read something once that stuck with me. "I have carried you every moment of your life. I will love you for every second of mine."