Do you feel like just an extension of the baby? — The Bump
March 2016 Moms

Do you feel like just an extension of the baby?

I feel like in the last couple of weeks people have begun to see and treat me like just an extension of the child growing inside of me. People don't ask how I'm doing, they ask how he is doing. Christmas gifts for my husband and 'I' have arrived, my husband gets his typical food items and Football paraphernalia. I get a baby stroller and more burp rags.... I no longer receive hugs on arrival but more like belly groping. Does anyone else feel like they're already losing their individuality or am I just being sensitive?

Re: Do you feel like just an extension of the baby?

  • I'm sure people are just excited about the baby coming. That said, once the baby gets here it's going to be all about them. For like ever. You'll have to work really hard to be yourself and not "X's Mom"...
    BabyFruit Ticker


    kynbar5kyraaDsmount2011lexievelyn8179
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  • My MIL went nuts on our registry too with baby gifts and my DH still ended up getting the usual. It irked me a bit until I realized how much of a burden purchasing a swing, stroller, car seat, monitor, etc would have been on us. I am super grateful for it. I too also struggle as a FTM knowing I will no longer be "K" but "X's Mom," and losing my identity but I am looking forward to that next stage. Mostly I am mourning the loss of just being DH and I and the freedom associated with it - but then I realize how great it will be to raise our DS together and grow as a family. I am sure it is completely normal for all of these things to feel bittersweet. I say acknowledge the feelings, and then let them float on. Chin up! *Hugs*

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    ClaireBear90CecilB93oceanchildlexievelyn8179
  • OP I can honestly say I didn't receive that kind of treatment while I was pregnant with my first (or now).  I think if I had, it would have been a little off putting for sure.  


  • I'm sure it's a little annoying and people aren't really treating me that way. I'm sorry that you're feeling left out, but to be honest no one is ever going to care as much about you as they are the baby once it gets here. It's just how it is. My brother still really struggles with this. I hope you find a way to manage your feelings! Personally I'd love to get baby stuff instead of stuff for me. Less money I have to spend!
    kynbar5CecilB93oceanchildlexievelyn8179
  • I'm sure it's a little annoying and people aren't really treating me that way. I'm sorry that you're feeling left out, but to be honest no one is ever going to care as much about you as they are the baby once it gets here. It's just how it is. My brother still really struggles with this. I hope you find a way to manage your feelings! Personally I'd love to get baby stuff instead of stuff for me. Less money I have to spend!
    This is so true.My Mom comes over and hugs my kid first, pats my belly second, and then turns to me for a hug. She tells me all the time that she loves me...but I get it, they are her grandkids. :)
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    kynbar5ClaireBear90oceanchild
  • My mom and I are super close and we constantly just talk about the baby. Which I don't mind. But if I have something I want to actually talk about, I just let her know that I need to chat and we have a conversation about whatever I have going on. Just speak up if you need to talk about something non-baby related. "Baby is doing great! But man o man have I had a hard week. I just need to vent - do you have a minute?" People are usually willing to listen if they know you need to talk, you just have to let them know that you need them.

    I cannot relate on the gift stuff. I'd much rather have someone purchase big ticket items for baby so I have one less thing to worry about.

    Me: 29  DH: 31
    Married 10/13/12
    TTC Since 8/2016

    kynbar5ClaireBear90CecilB93oceanchild
  •   cmerribury said:

    I'm sure people are just excited about the baby coming. That said, once the baby gets here it's going to be all about them. For like ever. You'll have to work really hard to be yourself and not "X's Mom"...

    Recreating your own identity apart from your children sure can be hard sometimes!  My daughter went to Head Start when she was 4 and all year the administration was begging me to come work for them (I was head teacher at a daycare center)- and I did at the end of the school year.  When  I officially started working that August, it took me a good couple months for people to call me by name.  I was first known by other admin and teachers as "H.L.'s mom" and when they wanted my attention they addressed me as such.  They all wanted me for my teaching ability and my brains/talents, but still couldn't distinguish me apart from my child. That was frustrating in the beginning but obviously it all worked itself out.  However, I am glad that my daughter made such a huge impact on all the staff and not just the ones that were teaching her.  She is a reflection of me and to see what I have instilled in her be passed onto others makes me very proud! 


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    kynbar5cmerriburyoceanchildlexievelyn8179
  • I think you're being a little sensitive but nothing too crazy, I've definitely heard other people make the same comments before.  I will, however, offer you the flip side.  When I was pregnant with DS2 people (by people I mostly mean family) hardly ever asked about my pregnancy or the baby and it really bothered me.  Everyone was more focued on DS1, understandably so, but I felt kind of alone in the whole pregnancy thing. 
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    kynbar5ClaireBear90oceanchildlexievelyn8179
  • It may partly be because this is your first. (I think? Your post didn't actually say, but it sounds like it.) I remember the birthday/Christmas before my firstborn arrived were almost like other baby showers ha, but family members just were so excited. This third time around, poor baby gets very, very little attention. Occasionally my MIL will ask how the baby is, but that's about it. When I was pregnant with my second, I don't think I received any baby-related gifts for birthday or Christmas. It's really a firstborn thing.

    People grabbing your belly without your permission is never okay. Back away, push their hand away, tell them you're uncomfortable, whatever you wish. And don't feel bad about it, it's still your body. I will invite close family members to feel my belly if the baby is really active and they want to, but nobody else gets to.
    It's a boy! Born 42 weeks, 2 days.
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  • Where did OP go?
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  • skruhminskruhmin
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited December 2015
    I'm honestly thrilled to be known as anyone's mom.  I've had my time, now it is time to give all the knowledge I've gained to my child.  I'm not saying I'm going to lose my identity just take on a new one.
    <insert image saying "preach" since TB's new feature sucks to say the least/>
    DS1 - 9/21/11
    DS2 - 7/4/14
    DS3 - 2/21/16
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Our family of 5 is complete!!  Love our boys!

    bntfroggiesmount2011oceanchildlexievelyn8179
  • The only thing that confuses me is why your DH got a non-baby related gift? He's becoming a dad and should in my opinion be included in the gifts you get for baby too. I think my DH would actually feel left out if I get baby related gifts that's only addressed to me and not the both of us since we're becoming parents together. (We would still be grateful though)
    jenniferamcooperlexievelyn8179
  • Agree with other PPs but also think it's weird husband is still getting regular presents and you're getting baby stuff. Personally that'd irk me and my husband but as long as it wouldn't but a financial strain on you id totally treat yourself to something fun in lieu of Christmas presents ... spa day, sweet new comfy mom outfit (if i get baby presents like I did last time I'm buying myself a new pair of lulu pants, mine got a lot of use during mat leave!), or something else you can't justify just for fun.

    2 christmasses ago husband and I got baby stuff, we high fived (we were alone Christmas morning lol otherwise that'd be crass) and bought ourselves a new laptop and tv on Boxing Day sales. That $400 stroller/car seat was a laptop and the baby mattress coupon and other stuff like a monitor was our TV. Our families were very generous with baby stuff we barely ended up buying anything. So don't be shy and treat yourself.

    On another note my SIL warned me about the identity thing. One of her sisters is a vet and she's introduced at family functions "this is X, the vet, she's a doctor" and my SIL said she would get "and this is X, Matthew's mother". Hmm... great.
    kitteh81
  • As others have said, take what you can get. DH & I looked at and picked a daycare center for LO this week, I was shocked to learn we will be spending about $10,000 A YEAR for childcare. If you are lucky enough to not have to worry about that expense, good for you! So any items that you get for LO for free now, will allow you to apply the money to other expenses later - even if it is not childcare.
    skruhminoceanchildlexievelyn8179
  • katy0990 said:

    Honestly, we are hoping to receive some baby related gifts for Christmas since that will mean less that we have to buy. Also, at least we know the gifts we are receiving would be useful. Sometimes I receive Christmas gifts that while I'm grateful for them it's not anything I would normally want/use.

    I am with you, there. Last year, my mom gave me a 24 scarf organizer. I own a grand total of 3 scarves, and only actually wear one. So, now it's a very feminine tie organizer for my husband. Lol I'm hoping that 90% of this year's gifts are for baby.
    SarahFoley725lexievelyn8179CecilB93
  • I love recieving baby gifts for christmas. It makes my list of things i have to buy shorter, leaving me buy for extra things. Aswell in my family my mom has a rule once you have kids she buys for them not you. As she cant afford gifts for everyone but christmas is mostly for the children anyways.
    When i visit people they always ask how the baby is, for updates on how she growing and they wanna know all about the movements there just as excited as i am . Which is fantastic.
    Dont worry, no one forgot about you your only pregnant for so long there just over joyed
    lexievelyn8179
  • @jnhuri Oh man. Those daycare costs are horrible to be sure, but I still envy you. Our rough estimate for year one is $21,600. GULP.
    BabyFruit Ticker


  • @cmerribury I know that our childcare costs are "reasonable" considering that we do not live in a city with outrageous costs of living, but I am in awe at how much childcare costs!!
  • I don't have to think about daycare til April 2017 but it'll be $18,000 annually when I return from mat leave. I'm pretending it doesn't exist... we may seriously be looking at getting an in-home sitter but we live in an urban area and don't think we can find one for the same cost. If we had 3 kids we'd be definitely looking at it!!
    On a good note even though my salary will be reduce we'll be saving money on mat leave that can go directly to saving for a house downpayment - it's expensive here you can break into the market without 30K minimum!
  • We have so many raging hormones right now you are probably just sensitive right now! And that's okay! It's normal!! I hope someone gets me out stroller for Christmas!! Those things are expensive!! I don't feel like the extension but I for sure know my DH does! Everyone asks me how I am doing and how the baby is doing but I always love to bring up how my DH is doing and how much of a hard worker he's been since finding out we were pregnant! I know he's been feeling down because no one asks him about him! Obviously he's not showing it or saying anything (typical man) but I just know it bothers him a little!
  • @fwtx5815 I've had quite a few coworkers with whom I rarely interact strike up conversation with me and I still find it so odd. I have to consciously wipe the "oh you're talking to me?" look off of my face. I guess I am just so interesting now that I am making a human? People are weird.

    Me: 29  DH: 31
    Married 10/13/12
    TTC Since 8/2016

    fwtx5815
  • @Mcbb224 my husband feels a bit left out, too. Everyone is constantly asking him about me and the baby. I get it. He's becoming a parent, too, and he feels excited and nervous.

    Of course when I told my mom this and how maybe she could ask him stuff too, I received a massive eye roll...obviously a lot of people don't give a crap about the parent who isn't manufacturing the tiny human. I've definitely made a point to ask him how he's feeling about it regularly, though. I feel bad that he feels left out cause he's going to rock this whole dad thing and deserves some credit, as well.
    SarahFoley725Synnovuslindscnn1oceanchild
  • Maybe I'm just used to all of this because my MIL has always treated me a good bit below DH. Last year he got several nice gifts and I got dollar store wine glasses and wedding favors...from our own wedding. I fully expect to get baby stuff this year even though I know he's getting a sound bar for the tv among other things.
  • I'd get a little upset myself. My MIL generally gets me something for the house for Christmas (sheets, picture frames...) and my husband gets "toys" (MP3 player, truck accessories...).  You'd think after 15 years they'd know enough about me to pick something I'd like that's just for me, but oh well.  Alternately, my mother has gifts for my husband and I, and the baby gets her own gifts before she's even born! 
    SarahFoley725
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