Am I being unreasonable? Help with MIL needed.

UseTheTriforce94

Hallo, Bumpies! I'm a new FTM in desperate need of some sagely mommy wisdom!

So, my future MIL is...a generous woman which is great but she also considers herself "Alpha" and isn't used to being told no. What she says goes and that's final.  Pre-pregnancy, we got along fantastically and while I found some things...a bit meh, I tolerated it because at the time it was no big deal. But ever since she found out about the pregnancy, everything has completely changed. It is her first grandbaby from her firstborn son so I understand the excitement, but there are several lines that have been crossed, like:

• When we told her we were having a baby and right off the bat, she starts pushing that if a girl, the middle name HAS to be her Mother's (who passed away awhile ago) middle name. We had a name chosen already which she didn't hold back from telling us she didn't like at all because it was her friend's dog's name and every time she looked at our daughter, she would think of a yapping, ugly dog.

• When I had to be hospitalized for severe dehydration. We told her we would make a Doctor's appointment right away and not to worry about it. She took it upon herself to schedule us a Doctor's appointment while I was waiting for insurance, despite us telling her we had a plan to cover the hospital visit, she wouldn't hear it. The appointment was way early in the morning, which, not to sound like a crybaby, was awful because at the time my MS was awful at really early in the morning and I needed to rest. But she had us get up almost 45 minutes before the appointment and invited herself into my house before my own mother was even awake. Well the appointment ended up costing around $200 and she paid for it, which I was grateful for, but it wasn't needed and her attitude about it was just...odd. My mom kept telling her thank you and that she appreciated it and her response was just this snotty, almost arrogant, "It is what it is" with a shrug. While driving from the appointment, I told her I wanted a boy because my family has too many girls and I'm tired of the estrogen. It was meant as a joke but she goes, "If you ever need to get away from your mom, I have an extra bedroom because I know how that goes." I told her that wasn't what I meant and she just kept pushing going, "You know I have an extra room if you ever need to get away." The implication the whole appointment was that she was trying to be my mother and it almost felt like she was insinuating that my mom can't take care of me and she's the savior, if you will.

• When we got back from the appointment, BF and I were talking about how much we want a boy and she cut in saying we were having a girl because, in sum, we were giving birth to a reincarnation of his nana. And how if it was born on May 5th, we HAD to name it after her mother because that was the day she died. I hated how our first child was being turned into a way for her to grieve for her mother. I know it sounds heartless but I want my child to be MY child OUR child, not her means of coping.

• I had to go to the hospital another time for dehydration and the only person with me was my boyfriend. She text us asking for the room number, he told her we were fine and not to come. She told him, "Oh hush it's called being a parent. Room number." He told her not to come again and she threw a fit and wouldn't talk to him. He kept sending her updates so it isn't like she was completely left out, but she ignored him for a couple days because of it. When he went to walk to his dog, she had left him a note telling him to clean up after him and find him a new home and in all caps, she wrote, "TAKE CARE OF IT." Basically being a smart ass because we told her we wanted to take care of the whole hospital thing ourselves.

• Third, she and BF got into a HUGE fight (they still aren't speaking) and to keep a long story short, she was fostering his Pitbull while we find a place, decided she got tired of him crapping in her dirt yard, and they got into an argument. Before work every day, he would drive 30 mins to her house to walk/take care of him, and that day he couldn't because he was going to be late to work. We're under a lot of stress right now and she blew up on him for not coming which made him blow up on her. She made him give back the key to her house, which the problem was between them so it was annoying but understandable. Until that night when I got off of work, I get a knock at my door (Mom answered) and she showed up unexpected with the Pitbull. Mind you, I live in an apartment and she is well aware that I am unable to take care of a dog.

• Her exact words to my mom, while I was calling people to see if we could find somewhere to keep him until permanent arrangements could be made, were, "Either you take him or I am just going to let him run free." No call or text beforehand, just showing up to my apartment with a dog and all his things and saying if we don't take him, she'd just let him go.My mom had told her that she didn't appreciate her just showing up and putting her in that position, MIL just shrugged and went, "Yeah I know sorry." Basically saying, "F you, your problem now.

Ever since the dog thing, I was blown away by how disrespectful and inconsiderate she was and it has really made me consider if I want her involved with our child. She has said many times that she has no patience for kids or animals and with how easily she went for the throat with his dog, I feel like she is the type to use things as leverage in order to gain control of certain situations. Especially considering, how she took his key but then called him immature for not showing up to her house for Thanksgiving and throwing completely irrelevant things in his face during an argument they had the same day. Example, his stepmom had posted that his dog had needed a home on Facebook. We didn't post anything like that because we spent the next 2 days calling everyone we knew, pet stores, and boarding places to find someone. She text him saying she found it sad how his stepmom was doing more than he was to take care of his dog and that he wants everything done for him and blah blah blah. Anyway, am I unreasonable because I'm considering cutting her out of my baby's life? She's already proven that she's willing to disrespect everyone when she gets pissed off and that she'll use whatever she can as leverage so based on that, my gut is telling me to cut her off and my boyfriend feels the same way, especially because he missed hearing the first heartbeat because he had to sit in the truck with his dog while I went into my appointment. Thoughts? Advice? Insight?

jmohio

This sounds oh too familiar. My MIL is a pill to put nicely. The difference is she doesn't pay for anything, she actually takes money from us. She told my husband when We started dating 4 years ago that "he wouldn't be able to handle me because I have a silver spoon stuck in my mouth". Little did she know I have personally worked for everything I have. I just started my career younger then most. MILs hate a women that can do something better than them.

I can tell you know she probably is acting like this because she knows you will be a good mom and won't NEED her to do anything for you.

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. I will warn that my husband and I didn't talk to his mom for months, we went over last xmas and it turned into a jerry springer show. She actually tried to hit me, my husband got in the way. We told her we were moving and she flipped. Told me I was taking her baby away from her (he is 27).

We haven't spoken since. My husband and I have decided we will try to talk to her and if all goes well she is able to see the baby but will never be left alone with them.

Corts

This is no good. Boundaries should be set now, by your husband. It is his job to set her straight not yours.
I have a MIL just like this. My husband refused to deal with her, and we ended up in a years worth of therapy. She is no longer welcome here for holidays or parties because of all the damage she was allowed to cause. Nip this in the bud before you end up like us

NLewis1

That al sounds pretty batshit crazy, tbh.

Can I ask how old you are? Not trying to be rude, I'm just wondering if you guys are young if maybe she's having a hard time letting her son be an adult without her? I think it's going to come down to all three of you sitting down (I would purposely leave your own mom out of this convo) and tell her thins need to change because the situation is making you guys shy away from her, and you would like her to be present in this kids life (I think phrasing it like this may be helpful in keeping her from feeling too ganged up on). You may want to go to dinner somewhere public, if you think that will keep her from getting defensive and causing a scene.

As for the dog, that sucks. But I would look into a humane society or reputable rescue for him, instead of trying to find him a home. There are several breed specific rescues that can screen adopters in the best way possible to ensure he's not going to someone bad.

catherinekate

Sounds like a complicated time for everyone and I'm sorry you have to deal with this stress. It sounds like there are deeper issues her, especially regarding the dog. I am fiercely loyal to animals but I think rehoming might be best in this situation--with a new baby, you're going to have enough to worry about without having to find a new place that is pit-friendly. You also don't want your precious puppy to be living with someone that clearly resents it. I hope she's not abusive or neglectful towards the dog.

@NLewis1 has good advice. I think it's rash to cut her out. Things may change dramatically once you all settle into a routine, get the dog situation addressed, etc. Keep us posted!

UseTheTriforce94

I'm 21 and he is 23, moved out for a year and a half. He says he stayed away from home for this reason because she has a habit of controlling things and pushing her way until everyone else just says screw it. We found a permanent home for him with us because we're tired of shuffling him around and stressing him out.

Talking to her could work except, she's basically expecting us to come grovel to her which I don't feel is right because she's denying any responsibility at all.

NLewis1

MamaLion94 said:

I'm 21 and he is 23, moved out for a year and a half. He says he stayed away from home for this reason because she has a habit of controlling things and pushing her way until everyone else just says screw it. We found a permanent home for him with us because we're tired of shuffling him around and stressing him out.

Talking to her could work except, she's basically expecting us to come grovel to her which I don't feel is right because she's denying any responsibility at all.

I still think the situation warrants talking to her and trying to get everything straightened out. having a baby is a huge change and she should be given the option to step up to the plate to be around for her grandchild. If she doesn't, then at least you will
Know that you've done all you can do.

alysemci

My MIL could be crazy, especially when we first got married. I won't even get into it because it will take hours. She died a month before my son was born and it sucks. I'd give anything to have her and her crazy, overprotective, obsessed with my husband ways back again.

If she's that bad, keep her at arms length full well knowing she is how she is. Let your child and family love her anyways. If she wants to love your baby, let her. I'm not saying a talk isn't in order, of course it is. Hopefully it will help things go smoother. Looking back on the crazy shit my MIL did, I wish I just let it all go because in the end it didn't matter, she loved my husband, myself and our unborn baby unconditionally and we're all missing out now.

UseTheTriforce94

Thank you ladies so much for your input. I think we're going to give this some time to let things settle before we go back into it and just kind of let some time pass. Eventually, we may try talking to her but if it doesn't change, I have no choice but to distance her from the family it sucks, but like I said, if she'll pull that leverage crap with a dog, I won't wait to see how she acts with our baby.

Corts

Yes but this is your husbands job, honestly. Even after 1 therapy session the counselor made it clear to my husband that I as his wife should be his main concern, and that he cannot allow any outside interference to put a wedge in our marriage. All he has to do is meet with her and say he appreciates her being so excited about her grandchild, but you and he are the parents and will be making the decisions and setting the rules.
My MIL used financial generosity too, to create more leverage in her demands with the baby. She begged us to let her purchase the nursery set, then had a full blown tantrum and drama fest when we put it together. She wanted to come over and set up the room and decorate it with my husband, without me. Um, hells no?

UseTheTriforce94

That's the trick: He did start telling her to back off and let us handle things and she threw a fit every time. It's absolutely infuriating.

Ugh I would have thrown a fit! I don't understand how people can do that knowing how manipulative and disgusting it is Dx

hellomommas

I have felt a lot of compassion for my MIL since having a boy.. And then another boy. I LITERALLY listen to songs we might dance to someday at their weddings and ball my eyes out... We dance in the living room to these songs and I just snuggle into their necks and think- someday I will be doing this very same thing with a big tall version of my son, and then our dance will end, and I will have to entrust him to another woman who I have to then let love my son- and my efforts to show love to him will have to become as "light" as possible- so as to not seem overbearing in any way. It's hard to be a mother in law!!! And I am not even one yet but I already anticipate the difficulty! I mean- This is emotional stuff people!!! I am a wedding photographer- I watch moms dance with their sons all the time--- the moms cry, the sons cry, I cry watching them. Hahah! I never understood this relationship before having my own sons.

So- my first piece of advice would just be to imagine how she feels about her son and try to see that that is PROBABLY where she is coming from with these episodes. (She's acting cray cray- yes--- but people act crazy when someone they love very much is being "transferred" to another family unit).

Also- I am just speculating here but--- like I said before- in my mind- I imagine having to deal with the emotional transition of my son to his future wife when he someday proposes and has an engagement and then gets married. It is POSSIBLE that she may have been a little blindsided by the way things went with you and her son. I have no idea obviously--- but if you were just bf/gf and then all of the sudden there is a baby and then a proposal (you said future MIL so assume you are engaged?)--- she may not have seen this all coming--- having to "give" her son away I mean. Obviously she doesn't "own" him--- but like it is hard for a daddy to give a daughter away, it is hard for a momma to give her son away.

All of that being said--- I have had to have some conversations with my MIL. They almost always start with: "look, I know you love me, your son, our children... And you are trying to show that... BUT I need some space to figure this out. We are adults now- I know you think you are loving us by trying to "guide" our decisions--- but we are in THAT part of life when we have to make our own and grow and learn together. That is what's best for our relationship--- and ultimately what's best for you and us in a relationship. Blah blah..."

Also- I realized my mother in law literally has no way of showing her love to my husband without it coming across as overbearing... (Like- when she reorganizes my kitchen cabinets, etc)... But I have to just believe- ok. She is trying to show love- I'm going to receive it as that. That doesn't mean I don't say no sometimes! BUT it made me aware that she wants to DO something--- so I can either wait and watch her do stuff that makes me mad--- OR I can tell her... "Hey- you know what? Would you like to come with me to test out strollers? Not buy anything! Just look and test." Haha. Something like that. Invite her to do things that YOU deem Ok and they are things that she can't easily take over.

As far as the name thing... I would just respond " that is a pretty name--- we will add it to our list"... The end. If she pushes it more, joke with her to have her own baby and name it after her mother.

Sorry you are going through this... It is hard. But it's just going to get worse and worse and worse if you decide to cut her out. I mean- I would become a crazy kind of crazy if my daughter in law ever did that. Haha. IF you can, it's better to try to have boundaries with her and exist within those boundaries with her- meaning--- give her responsibility of little things YOU CHOOSE every once and a while--- and I think that would make things a little better.

colesmom33

I agree with @corts, it's up to your bf to deal with his mom.  My MIL is  terrible!  When I was pregnant with my DS, she was so overbearing and controlling.  She would offer to buy us things but only if she could pick them out.  Once the baby was born, she would show up even when we told her not to because we had plans.  Now she barely speaks to me and feels like I keep her from her grandson, even though I don't.  She has said awful things to my husband about me that weren't true.  But I just continue to stay out of it.  I don't want my DH to ever resent me because he or my son don't see his family.  I've talked to my DH about setting firm boundaries with them, which he has.  And I've told my husband that they can't babysit until my son can talk and tell what's going on.  (She has a history of talking all kinds of sh** to my nephews about their mom)  But that's my husband's mom, even if I don't like her, he loves her and I don't ever want to be the one that comes between that.  It's not good for him, my son or my family.  I'm not going to lie, my in-laws are the worst part of marriage!  They are the only thing we ever fight about!!

huskypuppy14

You and your fiance need to set boundaries with his mother now. If you don't do it now, it will be that much harder to do it later. Sounds like she will try to barge right into the delivery room. The fact that she scheduled a doctor appointment for you is so inappropriate! Why did you go. You should have said, I am an adult and can schedule my own appointments. It's one thing if you wanted her help, but it doesn't sound like you did.

The dog thing is absolutely terrible.Why does FMIL have the dog anyway?   Does your BF live with you and your mom, and your apartment can't have dogs? Are you looking for  new housing arrangement in the future.  I'm a snarky bithch, so I probably would have said something to her when she pulled the dog stunt, like "Oh are you going to let your grandbaby run free when you're sick of watching him or her". Don't expect to ever be alone with my child now. " 

I don't know if I would ban her from seeing her grandchild, but she has to get that message that you guys are the parents and make the rules about your own family, not her. If she can't get that, you hang up, or leave, or do what you need to do to make her understand. It seems she has been able to control her son in the past by being manipulative, and that has to change now.

HBamama2B

^This. Sorry, I get what others are saying about tying. But set boundaries, be clear for a sustained amount of time and THEN talk to her as equal adults. Any conversation until then just won't be heard. DH and I also struggle with this. So as pp said, you're not alone.

Your FMIL has zero medical rights to you or your child. There should be zero unwanted interference and I'd say not to discuss any medical details with her. If she asks why, just calmly state that she has not respected your privacy in the past. Make sure when you have a healthcare provider, and please make that a consistent priority, that they know she is not entitled to any medical information or access to you and don't tell her anything. Ignore any non-productive conversation where she tries to get your or your BFs goat.

From her perspective, you are both very young and she probably has a thought that your BF needs to be pushed to accomplish things. In addition, since you aren't married, her position in this new baby's life is tenuous at best. That can make her more grasping and controlling than she otherwise might be. Be aware of what makes her tick like a cuckoo clock, Bc some of it is legitimate. Doing so will help you phrase things in a way that diffuses the situation when possible.

In the end though, accept that she will act how she chooses and that that is just not in your control. Mostly, I try to remain calm no matter what horrible turd my MIL spouts (and she can be extremely nasty) and make DH promise that when I get nuts with our adult children, (I believe we all will at some point) he will check me and tell me in private: "Bitch, you cray."