Mentally ill parent - A "dark" post but I need advice

TerryGDesign

I am hoping someone out there might have some experience/advice with their parent having borderline personality disorder or a similar mental disease while you were/are pregnant.   

My mother has undiagnosed BPD (but trust me, she's textbook) and she is threatening suicide.  She says things like "I am going to take all the pills in the house and just be gone!" and "I hope God takes me away soon, I don't want to live anymore."  She has been doing this for years, but has never attempted suicide.  Yet, she is threatening more often now and I am afraid she may do it one day.   Aside from that, she is constantly mad at me or one of my siblings for completely made up reasons (stemming from the paranoia part of the disorder).   My family has tried for years to convince her to get help but she refuses. 

This is so upsetting because I am 35 weeks pregnant...you would think she would have a sliver of excitement for the baby.  I am now worried that once I have the baby, she will want to babysit and I am not comfortable having her watch the baby when she is unstable like this.

Any advice on how to deal with this now and after the baby is born would be greatly appreciated. 

bbiutmcph

TerryGDesign said:

I am hoping someone out there might have some experience/advice with their parent having borderline personality disorder or a similar mental disease while you were/are pregnant.   

My mother has undiagnosed BPD (but trust me, she's textbook) and she is threatening suicide.  She says things like "I am going to take all the pills in the house and just be gone!" and "I hope God takes me away soon, I don't want to live anymore."  She has been doing this for years, but has never attempted suicide.  Yet, she is threatening more often now and I am afraid she may do it one day.   Aside from that, she is constantly mad at me or one of my siblings for completely made up reasons (stemming from the paranoia part of the disorder).   My family has tried for years to convince her to get help but she refuses. 

This is so upsetting because I am 35 weeks pregnant...you would think she would have a sliver of excitement for the baby.  I am now worried that once I have the baby, she will want to babysit and I am not comfortable having her watch the baby when she is unstable like this.

Any advice on how to deal with this now and after the baby is born would be greatly appreciated. 

I'm very sorry you are dealing with this.  You state that your mother has refused treatment.  With her constantly threatening herself harm I think it's the point the family needs to take more drastic matters.  You say your mother is undiagnosed, does she see a doctor at all?  I'm assuming no one in the family is her health care proxy or anything?  Those things would make situations like this more easy to get help, but could easily open the door for a conversation with her doctor to get her admitted for treatment.   WIthout knowing how much help she has received in the past or been offered I can give two pieces of advice.  You can have  a hard talk with her and explain that she will be unable to have a normal relationship with you and your child if she remains unwilling to seek help.  Stand by what you say as it sounds like she would only provide more harm than good in a relationship right now.  Again depending on how severe this is you can always call the authorities the next time she is threatening to harm  herself.  They will take her in for a minimum observation,(depending where you live, they may not) it won't be long BUT could get you in touch with a social work that can offer some assistance if she doesn't have a primary doctor etc.  It will take a lot of follow up and support from a family member to get her the help but it's a way to get it rolling.  Again without knowing full details its hard to offer specific advice but hope that helps some.  Mental Health is very taboo in our country and I wish it was easier for families and the people needing support the help they need.  I wish you luck

celainev

I agree with PP, if she makes the threats and is acting paranoid, call the authorities. It is extremely hard, I know, but then she will be able to get the attention she needs.

PedsIsHardcore

I also agree with calling the authorities. My grandmother has BPD that is undiagnosed. When I had my DD in 2012 I had just had my DD maybe a week before my aunt brought my grandmother to visit. My grandmother announced to my entire family that I was fat and needed to lose weight so she would appreciate if they limited my eating. My aunt took her aside and told her off. My aunt is very blunt and keeps her in check. It's extremely hard to do when someone has BPD because they like to make themselves always be the victim and will lie to get what they want. They are very manipulative.
Calling the authorities is one of few options you do have. I'm a pediatric nurse and I am 100% with you over her not caring for the baby. She needs help and nothing is going to get better until she gets help. Calling the authorities can help with that because they will make her get help.
A friend was suicidal and his parents called the police. He was admitted to the hospital for 3 days for a psych eval. They determined he was depressed and he was able to get help. I know not all places work the same but it will hopefully help alert her doctors to the fact something is very wrong and she needs help.

PrimRoseMama

If she's a credible threat to herself or others then she needs to be on 72 hour psych hold for evaluation. Then possible treatment.

Please keep in mind you are  not EVER responsible for her moods, actions or gestures. If, and heaven forbid, she completes the suicide-- it sounds like she has been hurting for a long time. She needs to learn how to process and cope with intense emotions. It sounds like she doesn't know how to do that. The change baby will bring threatens attention paid to her and for a person like you describe-- that is the ultimate threat to their well-being.

Definitely alert the authorities and let them know she's threatened to harm herself.

blended10

I understand completely - my father also suffers from mental / physical ailments that make him incapable of babysitting, or even extended visits for that matter. We stopped speaking for a number of years bc of it - only rekindling our relationship when I was pregnant with ds 5 years ago.
His contact with my family is very controlled and limited. He never babysits, we don't go for long periods of time to visit (a few hours tops) and I always have a way "out" (he never picks us up, we never get dropped off). It's too bad, really, but it's how it has to be for me to feel safe in the situation.
If you can get through to her - hallelujah - if not build a good "fence" if you will. Mourn the relationship & move on.
Best of luck.

jenbstevens

One of the behaviors associated with BPD is attention seeking, and it seems like she may be having trouble with the fact that attention is on you and the soon to be baby, and not on her. I don't know that it's about her being excited or not necessarily, but she may be acting out because she craves attention. I would remind her of how important she is to you and for the new baby and try and make her feel included- while being supervised. However, as a PP said, how she feels is not your responsibility. You have to hold a hard line and do what you think is best for your child- period. 

My in laws are also mentally ill, but in a totally different way, so I can relate somewhat (my MIL is a paranoid schizophrenic and FIL is just generally unwell and unstable). I would not leave my child alone with my in laws under any circumstances (I won't even take him in to their house) so sometimes that's just how it has to be.

mrscammack

I agree with calling someone if you believe she is a credible risk to herself. My husbands grandmother is schizophrenic and has had awful breakdowns before where she's needed to be hospitalized and usually it's just a case of her medication needing to be changed. As for the babysitting concern, my rule of thumb with respect to DH's grandma is not to leave her alone with our daughter, just in case. We want her to have a relationship with her great grand daughter but safety comes first so it needs to be supervised. This is what her other children/grandchildren have done and it seemed to work out pretty well so far.

TerryGDesign

Thank you everyone for the amazing advice.  I truly appreciate it.  It really makes sense to me now after reading "the change baby will bring threatens attention paid to her and for a person like you describe-- that is the ultimate threat to their well-being."  That is a major part of borderline personality disorder!  

I spoke with her last night, she was having a breakdown and wouldn't stop crying for about 10 minutes when I called her.  She tried changing the subject several times, but then she started to pay attention to me when I told her "if you keep having breakdowns, threatening to kill yourself, and refusing help...you cannot see the baby."  She started crying more when I told her that, but I stayed strong.  I told her I would find her a proper psychiatrist and that she will have to take the medication as prescribed.   Hopefully she gets treatment, if not we will make sure to only allow supervised visits with the baby. 

groovylocks

jenbstevens said:

One of the behaviors associated with BPD is attention seeking, and it seems like she may be having trouble with the fact that attention is on you and the soon to be baby, and not on her. I don't know that it's about her being excited or not necessarily, but she may be acting out because she craves attention. I would remind her of how important she is to you and for the new baby and try and make her feel included- while being supervised. However, as a PP said, how she feels is not your responsibility. You have to hold a hard line and do what you think is best for your child- period. 

My in laws are also mentally ill, but in a totally different way, so I can relate somewhat (my MIL is a paranoid schizophrenic and FIL is just generally unwell and unstable). I would not leave my child alone with my in laws under any circumstances (I won't even take him in to their house) so sometimes that's just how it has to be.

This. I hate to say it but this. I have a friend who is like this. She is thankfully not at risk for self harm but threatens it almost daily had has for almost a decade now. Meanwhile o have lost two friends to suicide within those 10 years who never said a word. And looking back, gave no signs at all.


All threats of self harm should be taken seriously. But you should not enable constant threat of self harm or expose your minor child to it. I'd suggest immediately calling authorities. They are trained to handle this.

xxarlannaxx

I just have to say something... My father shot himself in the head November 14 of last year, the day after his birthday. Ever since I was a little girl I remember him threatening self harm or suicide and Yet, no harm ever came to him. I remember my dad was too embarrassed and ashamed of himself to speak to a doctor and my grandparents had always kept it a giant secret from everyone because they are Catholic and suicide etc is a very frowned upon "sin". Just because nothing happens after someone makes a threat doesn't mean that they won't eventually seriously hurt themselves or commit suicide. Sometimes they really are NOT just looking for attention, they are trapped and scared and need somebody else to enforce necessary action. For so many years my dad made threats that seems so empty and then one day he finally followed through. My dad was an amazing person, a father of 5, and he always was the first one to help someone in need. He was stressed out a lot but all in all he was a GREAT man. I know for a lot of people its hard to believe that someone who has seemed to be "crying wolf" so such an outstandingly long time that there will actually be a follow through after years of what seem to be "empty threats". You make sure you do whatever you have to to get your loved ones help if they are showing signs of depression etc. I am so sorry you have to deal with this and go through this, it is such a serious issue that is never fun to deal with. Best of luck Hun!

groovylocks

xxarlannaxx said:

I just have to say something... My father shot himself in the head November 14 of last year, the day after his birthday. Ever since I was a little girl I remember him threatening self harm or suicide and Yet, no harm ever came to him. I remember my dad was too embarrassed and ashamed of himself to speak to a doctor and my grandparents had always kept it a giant secret from everyone because they are Catholic and suicide etc is a very frowned upon "sin". Just because nothing happens after someone makes a threat doesn't mean that they won't eventually seriously hurt themselves or commit suicide. Sometimes they really are NOT just looking for attention, they are trapped and scared and need somebody else to enforce necessary action. For so many years my dad made threats that seems so empty and then one day he finally followed through. My dad was an amazing person, a father of 5, and he always was the first one to help someone in need. He was stressed out a lot but all in all he was a GREAT man. I know for a lot of people its hard to believe that someone who has seemed to be "crying wolf" so such an outstandingly long time that there will actually be a follow through after years of what seem to be "empty threats". You make sure you do whatever you have to to get your loved ones help if they are showing signs of depression etc. I am so sorry you have to deal with this and go through this, it is such a serious issue that is never fun to deal with. Best of luck Hun!

This is even more of a reason why you need to report all threats of suicide to those who are trained to handle them. I am not a psychiatrist. I'm a good listener I think. I'm kind and I will always listen. But I'm not trained to ensure safety. And I could end up doing more harm to somebody than good if I intervene.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. That must have been devastating and it still must be very painful for you.

xxarlannaxx

groovylocks said:

xxarlannaxx said:

I just have to say something... My father shot himself in the head November 14 of last year, the day after his birthday. Ever since I was a little girl I remember him threatening self harm or suicide and Yet, no harm ever came to him. I remember my dad was too embarrassed and ashamed of himself to speak to a doctor and my grandparents had always kept it a giant secret from everyone because they are Catholic and suicide etc is a very frowned upon "sin". Just because nothing happens after someone makes a threat doesn't mean that they won't eventually seriously hurt themselves or commit suicide. Sometimes they really are NOT just looking for attention, they are trapped and scared and need somebody else to enforce necessary action. For so many years my dad made threats that seems so empty and then one day he finally followed through. My dad was an amazing person, a father of 5, and he always was the first one to help someone in need. He was stressed out a lot but all in all he was a GREAT man. I know for a lot of people its hard to believe that someone who has seemed to be "crying wolf" so such an outstandingly long time that there will actually be a follow through after years of what seem to be "empty threats". You make sure you do whatever you have to to get your loved ones help if they are showing signs of depression etc. I am so sorry you have to deal with this and go through this, it is such a serious issue that is never fun to deal with. Best of luck Hun!

This is even more of a reason why you need to report all threats of suicide to those who are trained to handle them. I am not a psychiatrist. I'm a good listener I think. I'm kind and I will always listen. But I'm not trained to ensure safety. And I could end up doing more harm to somebody than good if I intervene.


I'm so sorry to hear about your father. That must have been devastating and it still must be very painful for you.

It is painful to realize that my kids will grow up and for the majority of their lives, not having a grandfather. My youngest Due in January will NEVER meet his grandfather at all. I'm the oldest of his 5 children. I'm 25, my oldest little sister is 15, my oldest little brother is 13, then my youngest brother is 11 and my youngest sister is 6. None of us will be able to share some of the biggest parts of our lives with out father. I'm technically not married and obviously ever since I was a little girl and knew what marriage was, I had pictured my father walking me down the aisle to give me away, watch his kids and his grandchildren grow up an accomplish great things in life that would of made him proud etc. That won't be reality. It really makes you realize that at any given moment anybody you love and care about and assume will be there for some of the best and most important moments in your life, they can be gone in any split second. That's why when people make accusations such as "oh they just want attention", "they are not really going to do anything just ignore it" etc I speak up. A lot of people with mental illness and personality disorders wake up every day in the life of hell that we have no clue about. And as much as they might actually want to end their lives or hurt themselves because they can't stand living like that, they are consumed with guilt and try to face another day for the people around them...but one day might be one day to many to have to face and they could actually end up seriously hurt if not dead. That's why if anyone you know is threatening self harm or suicide you have to call the authorities. 9 times out of 10 they are to scared and ashamed and embarrassed and won't get the proper help needed even though they clearly need it. They try to be strong and go on without assistance. They make threats and act out their emotions in an unhealthy way and sometimes it's in hopes that somebody else will take action to come to their aid. Don't risk it, make sure you call the authorities and get somebody involved who is educated and qualified to help them help themselves.

khf221979

You need to try to get her help. It's good you offered to find her a psychiatrist bc proper meds(which can take a while to find the right cocktail) may take time but once they find what works it will help a lot. I have boarderline personality disorder and I am also bipolar 2 ( not a good combination) and unfortunately it took over a year of being hospitalized for months at a time bc of seriously bad episodes and being committed twice to find the right doctor and the right combo of meds. It was also nice to finally have a name to what I have. I always knew something was off but thought it was normal bc my mom is bipolar but was not diagnosed until she was in her late 40s. TRIGGER****I just always thought I was the way I was bc of the physical abuse (being beat by my mother) and emotional abuse I suffered growing up. It just got to the point where I could not take it anymore and sliced my arms and wanted to kill myself and I voiced it to my husband. He drove me to the er and they admitted me into a psychiatric hospital here and I'm glad he did it even though I hated him for it at the time. Once I found the right mix of meds things got 100% better. I am so thankful that my husband did that and even though your mom may not like you much at the beginning she will be thankful later on. I have unfortunately come off my meds while pregnant bc the meds i was on are not safe during pregnancy and I didn't want to risk anything happening to the baby. I do still see a psychiatrist and I have the support of my husband so I'm working thru things to keep sane. My husband knows what to look for and said he will not question it if he thinks I need help and will take me back if I go downhill. Unfortunately if she really does have boarderline personality she needs support more than anything. I hope she gets the help she needs to be able to live a happy life.

arcanejinx

I'm recovered from borderline personality disorder-and while you may be able to force treatment in the short term only she can choose to recover. I now know my Grandmother has this diagnosis-but she was stable enough when I was young to be a trustworthy caregiver.

Speaking from experience-when she makes treats report her. Call 911. Even if you think she won't do it she needs to learn her words and actions have consequences. And one day it may not be just crying wolf. I am a sucide survivor only because my father got me help in time-and I was in a coma for a few days. DH and him agreed that anytime I made a threat or said something I had to go to the ER. My case was also complicated with probable bipolar disorder and I was pyschoticly manic and I was an extreme danger to myself (not never to others).

Be frank and stand firm. Also know medication doesn't fix this disorder at all. It can help manage symptoms of other issues (often BPD is co morbid with depression/anxiety) but she needs to find a therapist trained in treating BPD. If they are not trainned they will not be able to help her-which is why BPD patients are often labeled as not cocoperating with treatment. It's very easy to default into manipulation as someone with BPD-she may not even realize she's doing it and a specialist is one of the few who know ways of dealing.

I was labeled as attention seeking and immature-then I almost died from an overdose and I finally got seen by people who knew how to treat me. Thankfully for years my GP was my biggest supporter and knew how hard it was for me to be to be treated and refused to give up on me.

Another note-when she is in treatment she will probably be very very tiered and not wanting to talk about it. If you pressure her she may snap-let her bring it up but don't force it. BPD is like having third degree burns across your emotional health-emotions hurt. Try not to dwell on the past in discussions with her-focus on the present.

groovylocks

xxarlannaxx said:

groovylocks said:

xxarlannaxx said:

I just have to say something... My father shot himself in the head November 14 of last year, the day after his birthday. Ever since I was a little girl I remember him threatening self harm or suicide and Yet, no harm ever came to him. I remember my dad was too embarrassed and ashamed of himself to speak to a doctor and my grandparents had always kept it a giant secret from everyone because they are Catholic and suicide etc is a very frowned upon "sin". Just because nothing happens after someone makes a threat doesn't mean that they won't eventually seriously hurt themselves or commit suicide. Sometimes they really are NOT just looking for attention, they are trapped and scared and need somebody else to enforce necessary action. For so many years my dad made threats that seems so empty and then one day he finally followed through. My dad was an amazing person, a father of 5, and he always was the first one to help someone in need. He was stressed out a lot but all in all he was a GREAT man. I know for a lot of people its hard to believe that someone who has seemed to be "crying wolf" so such an outstandingly long time that there will actually be a follow through after years of what seem to be "empty threats". You make sure you do whatever you have to to get your loved ones help if they are showing signs of depression etc. I am so sorry you have to deal with this and go through this, it is such a serious issue that is never fun to deal with. Best of luck Hun!

This is even more of a reason why you need to report all threats of suicide to those who are trained to handle them. I am not a psychiatrist. I'm a good listener I think. I'm kind and I will always listen. But I'm not trained to ensure safety. And I could end up doing more harm to somebody than good if I intervene.


I'm so sorry to hear about your father. That must have been devastating and it still must be very painful for you.

It is painful to realize that my kids will grow up and for the majority of their lives, not having a grandfather. My youngest Due in January will NEVER meet his grandfather at all. I'm the oldest of his 5 children. I'm 25, my oldest little sister is 15, my oldest little brother is 13, then my youngest brother is 11 and my youngest sister is 6. None of us will be able to share some of the biggest parts of our lives with out father. I'm technically not married and obviously ever since I was a little girl and knew what marriage was, I had pictured my father walking me down the aisle to give me away, watch his kids and his grandchildren grow up an accomplish great things in life that would of made him proud etc. That won't be reality. It really makes you realize that at any given moment anybody you love and care about and assume will be there for some of the best and most important moments in your life, they can be gone in any split second. That's why when people make accusations such as "oh they just want attention", "they are not really going to do anything just ignore it" etc I speak up. A lot of people with mental illness and personality disorders wake up every day in the life of hell that we have no clue about. And as much as they might actually want to end their lives or hurt themselves because they can't stand living like that, they are consumed with guilt and try to face another day for the people around them...but one day might be one day to many to have to face and they could actually end up seriously hurt if not dead. That's why if anyone you know is threatening self harm or suicide you have to call the authorities. 9 times out of 10 they are to scared and ashamed and embarrassed and won't get the proper help needed even though they clearly need it. They try to be strong and go on without assistance. They make threats and act out their emotions in an unhealthy way and sometimes it's in hopes that somebody else will take action to come to their aid. Don't risk it, make sure you call the authorities and get somebody involved who is educated and qualified to help them help themselves.

I hate that for you. I think you're very strong but i can see how painful it is.

elasticheart13

Like PP mentioned, mental health is a huge taboo so it's always hard to share our experiences with people. I agree with what people here have said, definitely try to get her into treatment. I suffered from very bad depression and anxiety most of my life due to traumatic experiences and it wasn't until I met my DH that I got the proper help I needed. I attempted suicide several times in my life and looking back at it now it was a cry for help. DH took control of the situation and made sure I got to speak to the right people. After being hospitalized at the psychiatric ward for a while i was finally able to get the right treatment and I have never felt better. I quit my medication last year and apart from a few panic attacks I've been doing very well. I really hope your mother listens and chooses to get treatment. It will improve her life quality and her relationship with you and your child.

groovylocks

Sorry @elasticheart13 my post was just the last paragraph. There was a quote fail.

4N6s

You can get get involuntarily committed for a mental health evaluation.

arcanejinx

4N6s said:

You can get get involuntarily committed for a mental health evaluation.

It's not that easy or simple. Plus forcing treatment doesn't work-especially in cases of BPD. I've been screaming that I was going to kill myself and been sent home from the hospital, they don't want to commit people. It's sad but true. There are people dying everyday because services are stressed to the max and just won't take in people unless forced to (ie police bring a person in, or there is a direct threat of harm to others). With BPD there is a huge stigma in the medical community and unless being seen by an expert in treating it most are labeled as attention seeking. I had a nurse when I was in the ICU say in hearing range of my family that I deserved to be in a coma because I was just seeking attention. 

For a famous example, the only reason Britney Spears was placed in an involuntary hold was because she essentially held her son hostage. Amanda Bynes because she almost killed her dog/destroyed property with fire. And prior to those incidents everyone in their lives knew they needed help but it can't be forced on someone easily.

I really wish people would stop thinking that it is so easy to get someone help/committed. It's not, and it's dangerous to assume so.

sarahjulypsu

You have got lots of great replys already. My dad seems to have some type of mental problems he refuses treatment though. It's not as severe but I also would not raise my children the way he raised me. I am very firm about boundaries, I don't let him baby sit and I keep a close eye on his interactions with my kids. You have to be firm and do what you need to for yourself and your child. Don't feel guilty you need to take care of yourself. It took me a few years to let go of the guilt of putting myself first. I suggest a therapist for you. I have anxiety issues from dealing with my parents drama and therapy helped.