How to tell difficult parents

Knottie16977149

Hi-

I am 5 weeks 2 days and we are so excited! It was a surprise baby, we just got married six weeks ago!

I need some advice. My MIL is nice and means well, but is excellent at inducing anxiety when something big happens- for example with planning our wedding, she would overwhelm me daily asking if I'd done X,y and z and make me feel like an idiot when I didn't even think of something I had to do. I'm nervous to tell her because of the anxiety I'm anticipating from whatever her response is. Any tips?

I also need advice on something else. My mother is very overbearing, and I know as soon as we tell them (not for several more weeks), she will be calling and checking on me daily. I am a very independent person, and get really frustrated when people think I cannot handle things myself. My mother also shares everything with everyone- and I want to be the one to tell people I'm going to have a baby, and I don't know how to get her to not spread my news (she recently told everyone my brother was proposing, DESPITE specifically being asked to not tell anyone.). I feel that this is mine and my husbands news to share, and we should get to tell people for the first time, especially my grandma and my aunts that I am close to. I completely understand her being very excited, but at the same time this is a very exciting time in our life as well. My husband is also at a loss for how to go about sharing this news with my parents. We thought we could tell my dad first, he might have ideas on how to go about this, but we don't want to hurt my moms feelings by doing this. I should mention my mom is very sensitive and her feelings are easily hurt, especially by how independent I am (she wants a child who will tell her all their secrets and is dependent on her, which I don't do for previously mentioned reasons and I am not dependent on her as a 28 year old working woman!) Any tips on how I can approach this?!

AOliveira11

First of all, congratulations on the marriage and the expectant bundle of joy!!!  MIL's can be very difficult.  Chances are, if you are going to wait to announce your pregnancy, you'll start looking at registries, reading the baby books and taking your prenatal vitamins.  By the time you tell her (and your mom as well), you'll have a good portion of your ducks in a row.  I'm also 28 and before we told anyone we were pregnant, i had already researched so much and figured out how to plan.  So if your MIL starts questioning or asking if you've done X, Y & Z, you can tell her you've already got it covered.  If she keeps pushing, just politely tell her that you've looked into it but haven't made a decision yet.

Mom's can also be tough...I'm sure she'll be excited she has a grandchild coming and will want to share the news with everything.  I would suggest telling your mom that you wanted to tell her first so she could share in the excitement with you, and maybe she can be there when you tell the rest of the family as well, so that way she feels included.

Best of luck to you!!

suchaglencoco

During pregnancy, you'll get a ton of unsolicited advice and it's ok to tell people "thanks but no thanks" and shut down people from constantly trying to supervise your 9 months. You'll also get this once the little one arrives.
My only advice is to just put your foot down and start setting boundaries early on. Just lay down the law on how things will go. My mother also is the type of person to tell everyone first and we made agreements to let her make one announcement of our pregnancy at her family reunion. That way, she could have her excited announcement and we could keep it contained.
And if your mother in law gives you anxiety, talk it out with her and explain that while you appreciate her eagerness, you'd like to figure this stuff out on your own. If she continues to push, ask your husband to step in. If that doesn't work, you just don't respond to her calls and messages. Easy as that.

Congrats on your marriage and bfp!

cMichelle0423

Nod and smile at the unsolicited advice from your MIL (or anyone else) and if you know your mother is going to share your news before you get a chance to, then simply wait to tell her when you're ready to tell everyone else. Sucks. But that's what she gets. Or just deal with her not listening to you.

RMLandy

Wait until you want everyone to know before telling your mom, and limit contact with overbearing/anxiety producing family members! Now's the time to start establishing boundaries.

Knottie16977149

Thank you everybody!!! This was very helpful!!

soxfan9968

I told My mom last. Just like your mom, my mom can't keep her mouth shut. She was upset that everyone knew before her (my sis, brother,dad,grandma). I was very honest with her and explained it was my news to share and if she would have known she would have taken that away from me. When she cried, I said I was sorry she felt that way but maybe she should really do something about HER problem and I'd be more likely to trust her.

alanna3622

Wait until 12 weeks to share, just in case.

Tell mom last - when she is disappointed to be the last to know you can remind her that it will still be her news to share for people in her life. My mother was so excited to share with her seniors' club friends and I couldn't care less.

Good luck!

lillebowski23

I am waiting to tell my mother for the same reason: she will tell EVERYONE. Same with my grandmother who insists that her extended family (my second cousins who I have no relationship with at all) be a part of my life. She invited them to my wedding and got very angry when I told her that she needed to rescind the invite because I don't know them.

I already told my sisters because I know I can trust them to keep mum (pun intended) but I am waiting until Xmas to tell my mother and father as I will be 12 weeks

mcklough

we didn't tell MIL until we were ok with everyone knowing.  We figured she would be really excited about it so we wanted for her to not feel like she had to keep it a secret.

Maybe since the holidays are coming up if there is going to be a time when the family is together you could do a mass announcement to tell your mom so you get to do it but she gets to share in all the excitement?

Knottie16977149

We were planning on announcing it on Christmas (I'll be almost 12 weeks), I was thinking I could do this and announce it to everyone that day instead of separately telling my mom. Then if she asks why I didn't tell her sooner I'll just be honest with her and explain I wanted to share it with everyone.

Jbabylove2016

I think everyone's advice is great, and especially agree with RMLandy - now is definitely the time to start setting boundaries with your Mom and MIL. It sounds like they will both be super excited and mean well, however, this is time to set the record straight with both of them to make sure you have as much of a stress free pregnancy (and delivery!) as possible. And congratulations!!

Disneygeek77

Welcome to parenthood.  Here is the best advice I can give you.  At a certain point you are going to have to be ok with your mother being upset with you.  Trust me, this won't be the last time.  Today it is telling her to keep it a secret, tomorrow it will be the theme of your shower, then it will be what you decide to name your baby or who you want in the delivery room or where you go for Christmas morning or what religion you decide to raise your child.  

I honestly believe that upsetting your parents is part of growing up.  Keep telling yourself that your mothers feelings are her own and the burden isn't on you to make sure she is happy all the time.  If she is upset with you, that is ok.  The world won't stop because she is sad or even crying.  Life will go on.  So just wait to tell her the news or tell her under no circumstance is she to tell anyone else or there will be consequences like she will be the last the sex or when the baby is born.

Knottie16977149

This is sort of how I've felt all along! I also have two siblings who don't help by reminding me how hurt my mom is or something by something I've done... But I'm sort of past listening to them and ok with just living my life like I want to! Thanks!

PrimRoseMama

I'd wait until 12 weeks and really just ride the wave with the parentals. If she tries to give you advice, thank her and do what you feel is best. Also, if she calls you everyday you can suggest email instead that way she isn't blowing up your phone. You can filter her emails to a specific folder and address them in the time you desire.

Disneygeek77

Yeah don't listen to them.  You are going to be a parent and sometimes that means you have to prioritize yourself, your husband and your children before your original family.

My dad gave me a hard time when I told him we wouldn't be coming down for Christmas morning anymore.  He was upset but he got over it.  

My husband's mom and sister also gave him a hard time when we went to visit them a few years ago.  Apparently, we were hurting his mom's feelings when we didn't go where she wanted or do what she wanted on our vacation.  He told them that how we scheduled our time was none of their concern.  They got really mad at him, really mad but they got over it and were much more respectful during a subsequent visit.  I think they realized he wouldn't be pushed around or be manipulated.

Those instances helped me realize that upsetting your parents is part of growing up and the best we could do for ourselves and our family is be ok with it.