PGAL- Loss Mamas Check-in- older thread

BostonBaby1

Hi All,

I thought it would be a nice thing to do to have a regular check in for those of us that are PGAL. Being pregnant after a loss is never easy and it's nice to have the support of others that are going through the same thing.

I'm sorry that we all belong in this group, but hopeful that rainbows will come at the end.

How is everybody doing?

MrsBinPA

I wish I could shake the dread I feel every time I wipe. So terrified of seeing blood.

juliagulia38

I don't know if technically I fit in this group. I had a miscarriage but had a daughter after that. So technically I'm pregnant after a loss, but not pregnant right after a loss if that makes sense?!

I'm anxious to see the doc next week and have an ultrasound. I'm freaking out every time I cramp and I check for blood ALL.THE.TIME. I'm driving myself crazy!

BostonBaby1

@juliagulia38 You can definitely sit with us ;-) so glad you have your daughter!

I'm with you and @MrsBinPA about the fear of blood.

I've been spotting ever so lightly the last few days and have been feeling dread too. My betas were today. They were very good but I found out today my progesterone is low so I'm starting twice daily suppositories. First u/s is next week.

juliagulia38

Thanks! Lol I have DS who is 6, had a MC between him and my DD. I'm so freaking worried it's gonna happen again. It's been 4 years and I have two kids but the worry never goes away. I was a mess the last time and I'm sure I will be this time too.

winnie1122

I am alternating between feeling very calm and optimistic and feeling terrified and sure it's about to end. I've been trying to take it easy without making anyone suspicious, and that's making it hard to take it easy! Today I was picking up lumber for a project with my MIL and I was trying to be helpful without actually lifting much weight, but even the lightest pieces I could help with made me feel like I was pulling every abdominal muscle. It was freaking me out. I quit early because I was so exhausted I could hardly move and was starting to feel nauseous and crampy. Ugh. I was certain I'd ruined everything. The paranoia is unreal. Thankfully, no spotting yet, but I'm still having trouble not expecting it at every turn. PGAL is hard. 

BostonBaby1

PGAL is always hard. We can never wear the rose-colored glasses that we once had. But hopefully with time and support we will feel better and get to enjoy more and fear less.

MrsBinPA

@BostonBaby1 I'm on 200mg bid progesterone oral my progesterone was low (9.6) too. It came right up. I go Thursday for my first US and more labs. The wait will be torturous. I have an all day meeting Monday & Tuesday. Hoping it will distract me some!

Also hoping I continue to not feel sick or those meetings will be anxiety inducing lol

fantasticmrsfox

I'm just so ready to have an appointment and confirm that everything is going well! We never did with our loss and by the time we got a sonogram there was nothing it's very hard not to be scared

jillhenhard

I am in beta hell now. Had 2 that were ok but not great, doing one today and Monday. My mid wife that I loved moved away and I am just not liking the new ob that I have right now. She doesn't seem optimistic even though my numbers are technically normal. She even said some people just choose methotrexate early on so they don't worry about it or something! I don't get it! But I am trying to remain calm, everybody is different and I hopefully will know one way or another next week. Good luck to all the pgal ladies! It's a hard place to be but hopefully it will all be worth it when we are snuggling our babies!

winnie1122

@jillhenhard What?! I can't believe she would say that! Ugh. Waiting for test results is torture. Hope everything goes well! 

BostonBaby1

@MrsBinPA I'm glad your numbers are doing better!!! I'm also going Thursday for labs but my u/s is on Friday. Fx you aren't feeling sick ( even though i do I know some of us secret we love those pregnancy symptoms. Just as a sign that we are actually pregnant.)

@mommyheck I hear you. Also so anxious. I'm sorry you never got that experience before :-(

@jillhenhard A lot of women that I know that are PGAL and almost ready to give birth had very slow and steady risers. That was awful that she said that to you. (((Hugs)))

@winnie1122 amen!

SaraC381

I'm a little bit in denial that I'm pregnant again. It's going to be hard to feel much excitement until I can feel this little one moving.

@BostonBaby1 I remember seeing you on the Dec 2015 board.. So sorry to hear of your loss.

BostonBaby1

SaraC381 said:

I'm a little bit in denial that I'm pregnant again. It's going to be hard to feel much excitement until I can feel this little one moving.

@BostonBaby1 I remember seeing you on the Dec 2015 board.. So sorry to hear of your loss.

As soon as I saw your avatar, I knew your face. I'm also so incredibly sorry for your loss. But glad to see you here. I completely understand how it's hard to get excited. I also had a march DD but I barely participated in the BMB there.

SaraC381

I lurked on the Dec 11 and Dec 12 boards when I was pregnant with my boys but didn't participate much. Even now, I like to read most of the threads but don't normally post unless have something new to add.

silvers626

@winnie1122 I'm totally with you on the cycling between calm and total anxiety. I really haven't been able to feel excited about this pregnancy because it is totally outweighed by the dread. And I've definitely had some lessening of symptoms the last day or two which is killing me. I haven't had any blood work done so I have no idea about my betas this time. I'm scheduled for a viability US on Nov 30 when I'll be about 8 weeks. So I'm basically trying to keep it to myself and try to have faith in the numbers which are that this baby has a better chance of being born than not statistically. Science, right?! Sorry everyone who is on this board! It's not easy at all but I hope we all get what we so desperately dream of this time!

jillhenhard

@BostonBaby1 and @winnie1122 thanks! Its nice to hear that others think she was kinda crazy too! I do have a history of ectopic so I guess she doesn't want me to get my hopes up, but I am having no bad symptoms and I'm only 4weeks so I wish she'd have worded it a little different. But when you are pgal the beginning is stressful no matter what the docs say! Good luck to everyone!! It does get better once you start reaching milestones!

kja2011

I'm alternate from being optimistic and feeling negative. My OB is being great and offering early testing, but I'm not sure if it's helpful. I had an early u/s that didn't show much, next and appointment is in 9 days.
My miscarriage was at 11.5 weeks, with a perfect ultrasound prior....so I'm not sure if I'll feel much better after the next appointment

amandajmonceaux

I'm right here with y'all. My last pregnancy was in March and seemed normal. I had all the symptoms and first ultrasound showed only a sac so I went back for another. It showed a hemorrhage and 113 heart rate which I was told was ok. Well I go back at 12 weeks to find out if the hemorrhage is gone and the baby has no heartbeat. It had died at 8 weeks and I never knew. I had surgery to remove it in May. I'm pregnant again with an edd of July 4th. I'm so sick but still nervous. I made them wait to do my first ultrasound so I know I will hear the heartbeat this time. Good luck to all you moms to be. It's a hard road but so worth it in the end.

amyberkley86

I'm so glad this group is here! I'm PGAL but only 5 weeks. Been cautiously happy but just went to the toilet and have some light brown bleeding. I know some spotting is normal but I'm now terrified that it's happening again.

On top of that, we rent out our spare room and someone new just came in this evening so whenever I leave my room I need to pretend everything is ok! Trying my best not to freak out but DH is chatting to our lodger and I've not had a chance to even talk to him yet!

FX everyone!

PleaseSendPicklesNow

*raises hand* Hi. We lost our first pregnancy in August at 6 weeks, and I'm still recovering. After the loss, I had severe social anxiety for about two months and rarely left the house, which is NOT normal for me. Now we're expecting again, and I'm cautiously optimistic. My pee sticks show a much darker positive line than they ever did before, so that's good. But every twinge or cramp freaks me out! The information out there is so contradictory: Mild cramping in early pregnancy is normal. But it's also a sign of MC?!?! How do you know the difference between the normal cramps and the bad ones? It's frustrating. Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all of you. Grow, babies! Grow!

ChrissyMarie128

I feel what everyone here is going through!!  I have dread daily as well.  I have felt exhausted which was making me feel better until today.  Today I have hardly felt tired like I had been....that makes me worry a great deal about my progesterone levels.  No spotting or anything, but I feel like I am just waiting for that to start happening.

One. day. at. a. time.  It's all we can do and what I keep telling myself.  Anyone else have waves of feeling exhausted to not?? 

dreair

Our last pregnancy ended in June. We went in for our first appt at 9 weeks, but the ultrasound showed no heartbeat. We were heartbroken, but still hopeful. We went back for more ultrasounds and appts each time showing no heartbeat. We finally decided to end the pregnancy after a couple weeks. They said the baby grew to 8 weeks and 6 days. I am now 6 weeks pregnant and constantly on an emotional roller coaster. I work in a very physically demanding, high energy career, and worry my job will cause me to miscarry again. I'm staying pretty tight lipped this time around, but have told the people at work who need to know. DH is very supportive and caring, and I am so lucky to have him. We have two DS who we are waiting to tell. It's so difficult not to tell them. They were so happy with the last pregnancy, and so very devastated by the loss. For those of you with older children, did you wait very long before telling them about your pregnancy after loss?

oandmplus1

I had an early loss last cycle at 5 weeks, which was only about 5-6 weeks ago. I have had spotting again, which I know is normal but can't help but feel like this pregnancy is going exactly the same as the last one. I have my second beta Monday, but I just want to make it past the 5 week Mark at this point.

My OB usually doesn't do an ultrasound until 20 weeks, but when I had my last loss he said they would follow me closely for my peace of mind. Hoping that means an ultrasound. I am assuming they will have to do a dating scan any way since I didn't have a period since my mc and I ovulated late.

SaraC381

I have been beyond exhausted everyday. Last night I slept for 12 hours and was still ready for a nap at 3pm today!

BostonBaby1

When I'm not feeling symptoms I feel that the end of this pregnancy must be near. I try to keep reminding myself that I'm pregnant today. I think it is a PGAL thing. None of my previous losses happened with a sudden reduction of symptoms, but I still fear it.

weiss1jl

Hi there. Our last pregnancy ended in January. I had ovarian torsion at 7 weeks, and had an emergency right oopherectomy. When I left the hospital the baby still had a strong heart beat. My pregnancy symptoms went away a few days later and bleeding followed the next day.

I'm 6 weeks today so have been quite nervous to reach the 8 week milestone. I haven't had any nausea at all and my breast seem less and less tender. Last night I bled through my underwear and pants and thought the worst. Luckily my doctor was on call this weekend and saw me today and for an U/S. He said the gestational sac, fetal pole, and yolk all measured exactly as they should and I have nothing to worry about. He even gave me copies of the sonogram! He said bleeding is very common up to 8 weeks and sometimes throughout pregnancy. We go back in two weeks and will hopefully see a heart beat!

Good luck to everyone!

WorkingMom562

I go back and forth between optimistic and a nervous wreck. Today has been a nervous wreck day. I've had a minimal amount of spotting, looks like old blood so I'm trying to stay positive.

Just have to make it till Wednesday. I have my second ultrasound then (first one doc saw gestational sac and yolk sac so good sign so far) and will get my blood results back then too.

Had a mc in May, so really hoping this I've sticks!

Thoughts and prayers going out to all you ladies!

msuzannah

Totally with everyone on the cycle of being optimistic to feeling like there's no chance! My doctor has been watching my levels closely because this is my 3rd pregnancy (the other 2 were loses) and even knowing it's looking good I still freak out everytime I cramp! Wiping is always a worry!! I have an ultrasound on Monday and I'm terrified!! I wish that I could be like my sil who doesn't worry the whole time she's pregnant. She tells people as soon as she takes a test and sure enough some 9 or so months later out comes a healthy baby. It would be so nice to be stress free.

PleaseSendPicklesNow

@weiss1jl That sounds terrifying, and I am so sorry you had to go through that. It's encouraging, for me, to know that even when things look bad, it might not be as bad as it seems. Good luck at your next appointment!

poppins123

I could have written most of these posts myself! It's so crappy anyone has to go through this but reading all your posts definitely helps to know you aren't alone.

Today has been a less optimistic day for me for mostly irrational reasons. My main pregnancy symptom is reflux which was reduced this morning, which would make perfect sense since I started reflux meds 2 days ago but it didn't stop me freaking out and convincing myself something was wrong! 

Trying to take it day by day and hit those little milestones that hopefully make this pregnancy different to last time :-)

KK1033

This is my 3rd pregnancy and I'm hoping my lucky charm. The first baby I lost at 8w. 2yrs ago and my second I lost at 12w at last Thanksgiving.

I'm trying not to take a ride on the "crazy train" as I like to think of if but, just going to the bathroom freaks me out sometimes. I'm worried There's going to be blood. But, I just keep trying to stay positive.

The kicker is that this time it's all a surprise. I have no idea how far along I am. I took a test on a whim and it came back positive .It was about 6 days before my missed period. Called the Dr. They sent me to blood work and my numbers came back super high so there's no way I got pregnant during the time I thought was my window. So Tuesday we go for our first ultrasound and I'm hoping for the best. She thought maybe I was somewhere around 6weeks.

Hoping all you ladies get your rainbow babies.

MrsBinPA

I had one little string of brown stuff last night & am feeling beside myself! I have no cramps and no evidence of more so far this morning when I got up from overnight. Definitely looked like old blood and was a tiny bit. Praying all is OK. Will call doctor tomorrow if I have any more or things change today.

BostonBaby1

MrsBinPA said:

I had one little string of brown stuff last night & am feeling beside myself! I have no cramps and no evidence of more so far this morning when I got up from overnight. Definitely looked like old blood and was a tiny bit. Praying all is OK. Will call doctor tomorrow if I have any more or things change today.

Maybe you can talk to them about switching you to progesterone suppositories from the oral? I hear that even though it doesn't reflect in your blood, it is supposed to be potentially more effective because it delivers it right to the source. Obviously your doctor will know what is best for you and that might be what is best for me… But perhaps a little bit extra progesterone might help. I know I was spotting for a few days in a row, and since I started the progesterone it has stopped. Hopefully it will stay stopped but I just needed that little extra boost. And Brown is old so that's better. I'm sorry that you're going through this now.

Serpica

Hi everyone,

I am very very scared, but trying to take it one day at a time. Second pregnancy after first pregnancy and first loss in June/July. I won't repeat what everyone has already said, but I pretty much feel the same ways... It's helpful to know many others are in the same boat. I'm particularly anxious about the fact that I have to travel twice in the next two weeks for work, but I'm just going to see how I feel and do what I need to do. Can't wait for Nov 24, which is when my first ultrasound will be. Thinking of you all. 

ChrissyMarie128

Still loving all this support here. Today I feel paranoid because I don't feel "exhausted". It's only noon and I have had excellent sleep both Friday and Saturday nights and maybe my body just appreciates that and is being nice to me today. But because I don't feel tired, I'm paranoid my progesterone is decreasing or something crazy like that.

Seriously, pregnancy makes you micro worry every. day. THIS struggle is real for all of us!!

amyberkley86

I agree... It's so great having other people to share our neuroses with! I was bleeding lightly last night and this morning but it seems to be stopping now which is good. But now, the mild cramping that I thought was normal before is making me overthink everything!

Going to go to hospital to be checked out tomorrow, just to make sure I'm not having another MC.

FX ladies! X

silvers626

It's so sad that we have all gone through this and now we can't really enjoy our pregnancies. It is so hard to trust your body after a loss. I can't really add anything else to what everyone has said about how they feel as I think we mostly all feel the same. I had a rough day yesterday where I felt like all my symptoms had lessened and I had a bit of a meltdown on the phone with the midwife. Hopefully we all get through these first difficult weeks and can start to actually enjoy our pregnancies.

BostonBaby1

@amyberkley86 Fx everything is fine. Please update us?

amyberkley86

I will do. Not sure what I'd do without all of you, especially as it's too early to tell my girlfriends! Xxx

MrsBinPA

@amyberkley86 I had a tiny brown spot last night too. All seems well for me today. Thinking of you. Keep us posted!

@BostonBaby1 I will ask the RE about suppositories vs oral progesterone. At least then I am informed of the treatment decision!

I've been even more obsessed about checking for blood today after the events of last night.