Seriously Jess this is not ok. If the kid can't be alone with your LO then you need to either discipline the kid, tell your sister she has to, or not leave your kid alone. Those are your options. I wouldn't care if the 4 year old cries.
@JessHeppell I wouldn't care if the four year old cried either. It's not safe for your baby.
My in laws came over on Saturday with a ton of cute outfits & PJs for LO. Come to find out, they went to Babies R Us to buy toys for LO because we're going there for Thanksgiving and they didn't want us to have to bring a bunch of stuff. Then, when they saw him rolling everywhere they left here to go to buy a big quilt for their floor. Such great grandparents!
@JessHeppell forgot about disciplining the 4 year old... She is not yours and obviously your sister will just contradict everything you say so your only option is to keep LO within your sights.... I don't think it's ever a good idea to leave a baby on the floor out of site anyway because anything could happen regardless of what the other child is or isn't doing.
^^ its not always possible to never have them alone when you're not watching. My dh is gone 2-3 days at a time, and I have to use the bathroom, make bottles, etc. And until we transitioned out of the pnp to the crib, I didn't have anything in the living room area to put LO in. Its possible that Jess is using her pnp as a crib with her move back to her parents house, and its not practical to move it twice a day, in and out of the bedroom / living area. Its definitely not ideal, absolutely, to leave the baby alone, but sometimes it just can't be helped. (Just FYI, now that we are using the crib, the pnp is downstairs and I use it when leaving the room) Anyway. @JessHeppell this won't solve ALL your problems with the 4 y/o and your baby, but in this instance, it would help. I just put my LOs highchair together and leave it in the kitchen. Now I can sit him in it, strap him in, and wash or make bottles, or make myself some food and LO is in the room with me and safe under my eye. This has only been something that I've been able to do recently, as I've had to wait for him to develop far enough to be able to use the chair, etc. You could probably do something similar anytime you have to cook.
@JessHeppell girl, with all due respect you've got to step up as LO parent and protect him. Either you keep him with you at all times (wearing LO, safely in a high hair or exersaucer, bouncy seat or whatever) or tell the four year old she isn't allowed to handle LO at all if she isn't going to go by your rules. If she or your sister doesn't like it, tough titty. This is your child! If the 4 yo dropped and injured LO I'd bet you wouldn't care about their feelings then. Set your boundaries, stick to them and start looking for a way to move out if possible.
@JessHeppell I'm with @mellymar and do agree with what the other posters have said too, but do want to add that I hope you always feel safe posting here, I hope you never feel bad about how you're doing as a mom based on how someone phrases an answer to you here..and also add that I'm sure no one means to come across condescending to you, just as a mom we're all passionate about taking the best care of LOs - ours and everybody else's bc well, we're moms haha. So do take everybody's advice bc it's great advice, I just don't want you to feel attacked or stupid or unwelcome for asking for said advice and then be afraid to ask in the future. I mean you don't know something til you ask.. And I'll add to the advice that you have every right and should always stand up for your LO, sometimes we don't realize we can until someone tells us why and how to, so I hope you'll take the advice you've gotten and put it to use because your LO is fragile and the 4yo doesn't know that, it's your job to be momma bear, doesn't matter who you offend to protect your baby!
ETA - I'm sure I'll offend my sister this week because I won't let her furry children get all up in my baby's face.. But I don't care, she'll get over it
@JessHeppell I second the babywearing. Then you can do things and have LO with you. Bouncy chairs are great while you shower. You can also get doll baby carriers and then maybe the 4 year old will feel like she's doing more with a baby. Tummy time can wait until you can supervise
@mellymar yes sorry good point... I thought she said floor not pnp..plus she also knows the 4 yo does that so it's really no longer the 4 yo fault or mistake since the adults are aware of it.
@mellymar yes sorry good point... I thought she said floor not pnp..plus she also knows the 4 yo does that so it's really no longer the 4 yo fault or mistake since the adults are aware of it.
i did say floor and unfortunately when i put him on the floor she was in the basement suite where they are supposed to live. they aren't supposed to just come up and be tyrants whenever they want, but they dont listen, she came up unannounced. but unfortunately my sister wont tell her that's inappropriate. and my parents havent said anything about it either.
had my LO just hanging out and doing tummy time by himself with some toys in the living room, while i was cooking with my mom in the kitchen. go out there to check on him and of course the 4 year old had grabbed him and was holding him. I kind of freak out (like worried freak out not mad) and tell her she cant do that and she has to ask to hold him, of course she gets all sad and i have to try to have her not cry (she pretty much always cries when told not to do something) later my sister comes up and i tell her about the situation and all i get from her is that there's nothing wrong with what her daughter did and that I shouldn't be so controlling. ugh. now I remember why i dont like being around my family. -_-
This is such a tough situation. Tough as in annoying, not tough as in hard to handle. My advice would be to reiterate or reintroduce the rule that the four-year-old is only allowed to hold your LO if you or another adult you trust is in the room and that she must be sitting down the ENTIRE time. Corner of the couch is usually good because it gives extra support on at least one side. Maybe only letting her hold him for five minutes at a time would be a good way of satisfying her request without allowing her to overdo it. If she wants to hold the baby and you don't have time to supervise, tell her no. End of story. If anyone tries to argue with you about this, just don't engage. If anything, all you have to say is "This is my child and I'm going to parent him as I see fit. This is not up for discussion."
To echo other PP's, it's probably also a good idea to keep your little boy in an infant carrier or highchair if you're in the kitchen. Just so there's no chance of the four-year-old disobeying you.
I know you said you don't want to rock the boat, but your sister doesn't own that house. Your parents do. And I would imagine that as your sons grandparents they would understand where you're coming from (and hopefully agree w/ you!) I'm not saying that you should parent your niece in absence of her mothers discipline but you are well within your rights to tell her that she cannot hold your baby!
@JessHeppell that really sucks... Any chance you could use a pnp when you are not in same room? I can't imagine a child being able to pick up your baby if she is in the pnp
To echo other PP's, it's probably also a good idea to keep your little boy in an infant carrier or highchair if you're in the kitchen. Just so there's no chance of the four-year-old disobeying you.
I know you said you don't want to rock the boat, but your sister doesn't own that house. Your parents do.
Hell yes I'd rock the boat. Because when the 1 year old sits on him too hard or the 4 YO drops him and you end up with a 5-6 month old with a bone fracture, you can be sure the hospital will be placing a (mandatory) call to CPS and then they'll be investigating you for failure to protect. And even when they close the investigation there will still be a record that there WAS an investigation.
As everyone else has said, there's more at stake than a pouty 4 year old. Girl needs to learn she doesn't get her way all the time and it sounds like your sister isn't bothering to teach her that.
@ElRuby yes sorry I wasn't clear, I meant to say that I have had some times where I have had to leave LO on the floor for a few minutes while I was in the other room. I know its not ideal, but until we got all set up with the crib I couldn't really cart the PNP up and down two floors (I mean, I COULD, but it was really impractical). So yes, its not ideal, but I've had to do it. Now, tho, the pnp is set up downstairs, so I'm good to go.
@ElRuby yes sorry I wasn't clear, I meant to say that I have had some times where I have had to leave LO on the floor for a few minutes while I was in the other room. I know its not ideal, but until we got all set up with the crib I couldn't really cart the PNP up and down two floors (I mean, I COULD, but it was really impractical). So yes, its not ideal, but I've had to do it. Now, tho, the pnp is set up downstairs, so I'm good to go.
I think we have all done this ... The important part is if they are safe and unable to get into anything ... I have a 4 yo so I have to be extra vigilant he is not with her unattended (he loves her a lot and does all sorts of silly and potentially dangerous things like gymnastics just to make her laugh) and that none of his toys are around like small Legos and stuff. Of course she laughs at everything he does so he justifies all of his "tricks" like jumping off the couch!
@JessHeppell I also have a three year old so I know it can be difficult. I also know it's not quite the same as your situation because I'm parenting him too, unlike your niece situation. The only way it works though is to set boundaries. DS does tummy time with her, which LO loves, he also plays with her and her toys in the exersaucer. He's only held her a couple of times with close supervision and know to come get me if she cries. He respects the boundaries and knows to be careful. There will be injuries in the future I'm sure...it's childhood. Maybe talk to your sister about your concerns and then sit down with your niece and set the rules and consequences. It sounds like she could use some from the sounds of it. Hang in there girl. I know things aren't easy right now and this situation only makes it worse.
@JessHeppell Girl I am praying for you, but you need to stop, think, and use a little common sense here. What did you think was going to happen when you leave a baby with a 4 yo? I bet your niece thinks your LO is a live doll and if her dolls are ok with being thrown around your LO must be too. What will you do if your niece or nephew seriously hurt your LO? Are you ok with losing your hold to his father? It doesn't sound like you are providing a safe, healthy environment for your child. I'm not saying that you don't want to provide a safe environment for your LO, but in that house you will never find what you are looking for. Please try to come up with a solution from many of the great pp's. I would hate to hear that you lost your child to his dad due to negligence or child endangerment. From a third party looking in, it would be wise to stop coming up with excuses why none of the pp's suggestions will work and come up with a solution that works for you. You know what you need to do. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
Random seperate advice @JessHeppell - we had a bad situation at church where I didn't step up as mama bear because I didn't want to hurt feelings & my pastor's wife straight up told me that when its your kid, there's no boat. It's you & them & you are their protector in all things. That gave me a confidence boost to stick with my mommy instincts & find a polite (or not so polite in the case at church bc polite didn't work) way to let people know, "this is my kid. I am the mom. End of story." When you're used to being a people pleaser/keep the peace person (not sure if you are - I so am), it's hard to realize YOU are the one who stands up for your LO, especially in a "single mom" case like you are rocking. The fact that your posting and asking/venting shoes you care & are a rocking mommy. Know that & own it. Good luck lady.
@JessHeppell are you living with your parents and your sister is also staying there? If so then I can't see any reason for you not to be standing up to the 4 year old. It's not her house so she can't rule who lives there. Tell the kid if she continues to disobey your rules about LO she will sit in the laundry. If your sister has an issue you can tell her to go jump and start looking after her. But It is your responsibility to out your LO in a safe place.
@JessHeppell are you living with your parents and your sister is also staying there? If so then I can't see any reason for you not to be standing up to the 4 year old. It's not her house so she can't rule who lives there. Tell the kid if she continues to disobey your rules about LO she will sit in the laundry. If your sister has an issue you can tell her to go jump and start looking after her. But It is your responsibility to out your LO in a safe place.
It sounded to me like Jess and her sister have different statuses in the home. I think Jess is a guest while she figures out what she is doing post-DH while sister is tennant who is formally renting the basement suite. In that case, I think sister could reasonably ask the Jess or LO not be in the basement. In any case, I don't agree that Jess may discipline her niece. That's her mother's job, and hopefully she will step up and do it. I think the best solution if the sister will not step up to parent niece in the situation is, as others have suggested, baby wearing, keeping LO under direct supervision, and utilizing high chair while cooking.
Re: Family rants & raves - November
My in laws came over on Saturday with a ton of cute outfits & PJs for LO. Come to find out, they went to Babies R Us to buy toys for LO because we're going there for Thanksgiving and they didn't want us to have to bring a bunch of stuff. Then, when they saw him rolling everywhere they left here to go to buy a big quilt for their floor. Such great grandparents!
Anyway. @JessHeppell this won't solve ALL your problems with the 4 y/o and your baby, but in this instance, it would help. I just put my LOs highchair together and leave it in the kitchen. Now I can sit him in it, strap him in, and wash or make bottles, or make myself some food and LO is in the room with me and safe under my eye. This has only been something that I've been able to do recently, as I've had to wait for him to develop far enough to be able to use the chair, etc. You could probably do something similar anytime you have to cook.
I'm with @mellymar and do agree with what the other posters have said too, but do want to add that I hope you always feel safe posting here, I hope you never feel bad about how you're doing as a mom based on how someone phrases an answer to you here..and also add that I'm sure no one means to come across condescending to you, just as a mom we're all passionate about taking the best care of LOs - ours and everybody else's bc well, we're moms haha. So do take everybody's advice bc it's great advice, I just don't want you to feel attacked or stupid or unwelcome for asking for said advice and then be afraid to ask in the future. I mean you don't know something til you ask.. And I'll add to the advice that you have every right and should always stand up for your LO, sometimes we don't realize we can until someone tells us why and how to, so I hope you'll take the advice you've gotten and put it to use because your LO is fragile and the 4yo doesn't know that, it's your job to be momma bear, doesn't matter who you offend to protect your baby!
ETA - I'm sure I'll offend my sister this week because I won't let her furry children get all up in my baby's face.. But I don't care, she'll get over it
and my parents havent said anything about it either.
To echo other PP's, it's probably also a good idea to keep your little boy in an infant carrier or highchair if you're in the kitchen. Just so there's no chance of the four-year-old disobeying you.
I know you said you don't want to rock the boat, but your sister doesn't own that house. Your parents do. And I would imagine that as your sons grandparents they would understand where you're coming from (and hopefully agree w/ you!) I'm not saying that you should parent your niece in absence of her mothers discipline but you are well within your rights to tell her that she cannot hold your baby!
As everyone else has said, there's more at stake than a pouty 4 year old. Girl needs to learn she doesn't get her way all the time and it sounds like your sister isn't bothering to teach her that.
When you're used to being a people pleaser/keep the peace person (not sure if you are - I so am), it's hard to realize YOU are the one who stands up for your LO, especially in a "single mom" case like you are rocking. The fact that your posting and asking/venting shoes you care & are a rocking mommy. Know that & own it. Good luck lady.
It sounded to me like Jess and her sister have different statuses in the home. I think Jess is a guest while she figures out what she is doing post-DH while sister is tennant who is formally renting the basement suite. In that case, I think sister could reasonably ask the Jess or LO not be in the basement. In any case, I don't agree that Jess may discipline her niece. That's her mother's job, and hopefully she will step up and do it. I think the best solution if the sister will not step up to parent niece in the situation is, as others have suggested, baby wearing, keeping LO under direct supervision, and utilizing high chair while cooking.
2nd round exp 8/20/18.