MIL question.

goldie987

So I'm looking for some advice with how to deal with my MIL. We told them this weekend that I'm KU and one of her first comments was "we'll have to rethink our trip next summer". Long story short, they're going on a trip they've wanted to do for years with some extended family from June 19-June 26, and I'm due June 24th (we just told her late June/early July to hopefully avoid this but nope). I really don't want them to cancel their trip because I would feel awful if I went past due since that's a totally normal thing but his mom basically said if all is progressing well by the time when they can last cancel the trip, they're not going to go. Has anyone had experience with this or have any advice on how to talk her out of it?

hgsurvivor

I'm not sure you would truly be able to talk her out of it. If anything my advice is to talk yourself out of feeling guilty. You can't control your due date or when the baby is born. It's HER choice to cancel. You shouldn't feel guilty for that. You can definitely keep repeating that you don't want them to cancel and that you don't think they should etc. maybe suggest they just change the dates? but at the end of the day, it's their choice. Don't beat yourself up for it.
You're bringing a life into this world and a grandchild into their life. Be proud and happy, and know you're not responsible for other people's choices.

MynaBird

Would it help to show her the statistics about how many babies (especially first babies) are late? I don't know what the number is, but when I was 12 days late with my first, my OB kept talking about how totally normal it was.

goldie987

MynaBird said:

Would it help to show her the statistics about how many babies (especially first babies) are late? I don't know what the number is, but when I was 12 days late with my first, my OB kept talking about how totally normal it was.

It's my first and I've seen the stats on the baby coming late which is why I'm so adamant against her canceling. I'll show her and have her call her cousin who is a doctor, maybe she'll confirm it??

NicknShan

I wouldn't count on being late because it's your first.

I would just encourage her to do as she wants, and not feel responsible for whatever choice is made. Maybe the dates are easy to move?

How's your relationship with her? If you guys are close - I would be honest with her and talk to her about your feelings.

If you aren't - sigh. MILs.

You can't plan your family around everything - or there will never be a good time.

goldie987

The trip isn't really movable, its an Alaska cruise so it has set start and end dates and to move it now would mean paying a much higher price since most of the weeks before are booked up pretty well and there's a limited number of rooms.

mamadown

You need to not feel guilty. But if I were you I would also do a bit of thinking about how you want the delivery/postpartum hospital time to go & what are her expectations? Does she think she's going to be in the delivery room? Spending all day holding baby, etc? If you are wanting a private delivery and limited visiting time, so you and DH can bond with baby, I would let her know before she cancels that trip.

hgsurvivor

NicknShan said:

If you aren't - sigh. MILs.

^^ The story of my life.
Even bigger headache - BIL.

goldie987

mamadown said:

You need to not feel guilty. But if I were you I would also do a bit of thinking about how you want the delivery/postpartum hospital time to go & what are her expectations? Does she think she's going to be in the delivery room? Spending all day holding baby, etc? If you are wanting a private delivery and limited visiting time so you and DH can bond with baby, I would let her know before she cancels that trip.

We haven't really talked to her about all that yet, but we may need to sooner or later. The hospital I deliver at has a strict 2 additional person limit during labor and DH and my own mother win out, sorry. We're still working out everything but our plan was going to be to call them when the baby was born so they can make their way down, giving us a few hours after my mom leaves with the baby which is why I don't want her to cancel the trip. Even if I were to go into labor on the 24th, they'd be meeting a 2 day old instead of a just out if the uterus baby, it's still a shiny new baby.

berky84

It's her decision of she wants to make sure she's in town for the birth. Yes it's a fixed time frame but trips can be rescheduled. Vacations come and go. Being around for the birth of your grandchild is something special. I say let her do what she wants. If you've made it clear they don't NEED to change their plans you have nothing to feel guilty about. If I was in her place I'd probably choose the same.

likeabel

I think you should be happy that your MIL wants to meet her grandchild as soon as possible! I'd make sure she knows she won't be present for the labor and suggest they plan the trip for the end of July if that's an option and she really wants to make sure she's home. You'd probably be signing a different tune if she said "If the baby is late, oh well! We'll see them eventually!" 

emucoleman

If you really just feel guilty but you would be happy for her to be there if there were no trip, then I say...don't feel guilty! It's her grandchild, of course she doesn't want to miss meeting the baby right away! 

If you really secretly don't want her to be there (and I wouldn't blame you), then like PP have said, make sure her expectations aren't too high. For the labor and delivery like they said, but you might also want to think about postpartum. Do you think she might want to be with you and baby 24/7? If you want some alone time for a few days, you might want to communicate that to her. 

I always find that communicating with my in-laws is easier with DH's help. He feels more comfortable being honest with them than I do. Maybe your husband could help you tell your MIL how you feel. 

Also, don't count on your baby being late. You just never know. 

goldie987

emucoleman said:

If you really just feel guilty but you would be happy for her to be there if there were no trip, then I say...don't feel guilty! It's her grandchild, of course she doesn't want to miss meeting the baby right away! 

If you really secretly don't want her to be there (and I wouldn't blame you), then like PP have said, make sure her expectations aren't too high. For the labor and delivery like they said, but you might also want to think about postpartum. Do you think she might want to be with you and baby 24/7? If you want some alone time for a few days, you might want to communicate that to her. 

I always find that communicating with my in-laws is easier with DH's help. He feels more comfortable being honest with them than I do. Maybe your husband could help you tell your MIL how you feel. 

Also, don't count on your baby being late. You just never know. 

I wouldn't be stressing if there were no trip. Knowing my luck, if they don't go, the baby will be a week late and they could have gone all along. If they do go, the baby will be a week early and will be born right as they're getting ready to leave.

I've told DH to do his best to not let them cancel the trip but we'll see...the advice here so far has been great, we really do just need to have a sit down discussion about what expectations are and what reality is with her.

Lilwatz

It's her choice, honestly.  It's not your place to take her into or out of anything.  She knows about due dates and their fuzziness--she's had at least one baby presumably.  If she wants to be 100% sure she's in town when the baby is born that's her call.

Lilwatz

I'm dealing with the opposite situation.  My FIL makes knives by hand and we told him we'd go to the knife show with them this year unless we got pregnant and were due around then.  So, the knife show is the first week in June and I'm due around June 10th.  My FIL made a comment about how he is going to reserve the hotel room in case we don't have the baby early this time.  

Yeah, I'm not driving 8 hours each way a week from my due date.  Sorry, bud.

LizM61409

I would make it clear to your mil that she won't be in the delivery room. Depending on how crazy she is, it may turn into "i cancelled my trip for you and now you wont even let me be there?!"

goldie987

LizM61409 said:

I would make it clear to your mil that she won't be in the delivery room. Depending on how crazy she is, it may turn into "i cancelled my trip for you and now you wont even let me be there?!"

As much as I would like to say she wouldn't do that, a small part of me thinks that she might, but in a passive aggressive "Oh, am I not invited to the delivery room like your mother is?  I just assumed I would be since it is my first grandbaby and you know how excited I am" kind of way like she did with stuff for our wedding. 

LizM61409

Sgoldberg247 said:

LizM61409 said:

I would make it clear to your mil that she won't be in the delivery room. Depending on how crazy she is, it may turn into "i cancelled my trip for you and now you wont even let me be there?!"

As much as I would like to say she wouldn't do that, a small part of me thinks that she might, but in a passive aggressive "Oh, am I not invited to the delivery room like your mother is?  I just assumed I would be since it is my first grandbaby and you know how excited I am" kind of way like she did with stuff for our wedding. 

You are in charge of who can and cannot see you naked. I really don't understand why some people just assume you'll be cool with it

CourtJack

I'd explain to her how you see the birth-day going and the delivery room limits, etc and let her make her choice based on as much info as you have right now. Like most PPs - you don't really have any control over her choices - you can only let her know your expectations and how you see her (and other family) fitting in those first few days. Good luck!