Repeat Moms, what is something you wish you had known the first time around?

goldie987

I'm a FTM and would love to know what you wish people had told you your first time around.  

Rosehip15

With babies and young children, everything is a phase

Babies really don't need much gear - never stress about "stuff"

Enjoy everything you can, even if it's kind of annoying at the time

BLM10

You need sooooo much less stuff/gear than you think you do.

Breastfeeding can be one of the hardest things you ever learn to do. It may be natural but it doesn't always feel that way and it's okay if you need support and help. It (usually) does get better and whether you nurse for 3 weeks or months or years, you did good.

Your marriage will struggle or flourish or both within the first year. Babies and marriage are hard. But they are worth it.

sorarose

Everyone has a war story. Whether it was a messy journey to get KU, difficult pregnancy, eventful birth, etc., every mom has one. You tend to hear the messier things people don't talk about when you're pregnant, so just know you aren't alone going through that experience.

xaudreyx2011

I always tell people not to get too attached to a "birth plan". Educate yourself on your options and advocate for yourself, but in the end it's often the baby that decides when and how to get out. The worst thing to get caught up in is the feeling that your child's birth was a disappointment.

tristadawnr

I wish I wouldn't have tried to be too strong a the end of my pregnancy. I tried to do too much at work and that didn't help with stress and my BP creeping up. Take time to care for yourself and put your feet up. For your whole pregnancy, but especially the end. If you can, get a sick note from your care provider and take some much needed sick leave at the end of your pregnancy before babe is born:)

GinnyJ2012

Lots of people will give you unsolicited advice. Mine is :When the baby wakes up in the MOTN crying remember to pee first! I had to make a lot of trips to the bathroom while nursing. It's awkward to hike up your pants and wash hands while nursing baby. They will be fine for 60seconds while you pee.

As for the rest of the advice, listen to it but make your own judgement calls

FutureMrsCAF

When people want to help, let them. I wish I would have napped when my mom told me to nap, or not gotten so frustrated when my MIL folded my laundry. They really, truly want to help you.

BZab3

Soak up this first pregnancy! You will never have another pregnancy where you can nap when you want or focus on just yourself. It's tough having to deal with nausea, exhaustion, and all the other hardships of pregnancy while caring for other little ones.

NicknShan

Hemorrhoids.  Why didn't anyone warn me of hemorrhoids?!?  Your first postpartum poop will be one of those moments you will hope you forget - but you never will.

mrsmoose5

Take pictures of yourself throughout your pregnancy, even if you feel fat and gross. You might not feel like it, but your body will go back to normal (mostly, lol) and you will regret not having the photos.

Accept help. Seriously. Don't be a martyr. Don't try to prove you're super mom. When people offer to help in any way, say yes!

HeartLikeMine3

I second the postpartum poop to me that was worse than labor.
Try not to kill you SO or DH the first year can be rough.
If you plan to breastfeed I reccomend taking a class. It didn't come natural for me and if I hadn't know what to expect I would have never made it breastfeeding.

GinnyJ2012

I'll also add, beyond accepting help, ask if you need help. Pay attention to your body and temperament after delivery. If you're feeling off talk to someone. If you need help cooking/cleaning or just need a nap ask your SO or a friend. Be kind to yourself.

cattuccino

Where were you ladies when I was pregnant last time?!?

Seriously, all of the above.

It's okay to not love every minute, it's okay to love every minute too! It's okay to have doubts, no matter how you feel, is valid at any point, and it's not "just pregnancy hormones".

Let yourself be known, you're a person, not a vessel. You're still you and you still matter because you're you, not just because you're carrying and growing a tiny human (or 2....or 3?! )

(ETA: autocorrects)

CourtJack

Know that the Facebook life you see of your other mommy-friends, acquaintances, whatever - is not their real life. Don't compare your life as a momma to what you see of others online.

Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all of mommy-hood.  

Don't use the 37 week mark as the beginning of "labour watch". In most cases (obviously there will be some of us with different circumstances), that'll just make time move slower and it'll make you miserable.

I was never someone who could sleep when baby slept. But I usually took that time to do something relaxing - tea and Netflix, etc.

Read a book about baby sleep. I don't care which - but just having a bit of info on how babies sleep really helps.

matthewsdm

Don't forget to take care of yourself! The better you feel, the easier it will make things with baby, SO/DH and everyone else. As it has been said above, accept and ask for help when you need, don't feel ashamed.

PressLove

If you're remotely thinking about BFing, do some research. It can be difficult and frustrating if you don't have a support system. Natural doesn't mean easy.

Take time to celebrate your pregnancy. Although, I personally feel that pregnancy is a disgusting process (slightly kidding), it has its beauty. Mark the milestones and take pictures.

alsbaldwin

BFing is hard. It was harder than my labor. Get help if you need it and don't be afraid to meet with a LC. I was because I thought BFing was such a natural, maternal thing and I couldn't do it right.

I drank tons and tons of water, and that first post-partum poop was seriously one of the easiest ones ever. Stay hydrated! It was such a good thing I drank so much water, because I can't imagine being constipated with the hemmies.

Everything with babies is a stage. If they're crying and fussy, they'll probably be over it in a week or two. Check out Wonder Weeks- it's been a life saver and really clues us in to when DS is fussier.

MamaNicoleof3

Yes to everything everyone else has said!

Try to remember that the same applies to pregnancy as it does to babies/kids: everything is a phase. Even morning sickness, aches and pains, exhaustion, etc, doesn't last forever.

I wish I would've known about the awful cramps a BFing mom gets for the first week or so after birth. Ugh. And it gets worse with subsequent babies :-/

likeabel

Watch your salt intake. Around 36 weeks my hands fell asleep - I had carpel tunnel cased by swelling/bloating from too much salt in my diet. And the feeling didn't return until after DS was born at 41 weeks - 2 days.

goldie987

I'm loving these!  Thank you so much, and keep 'em coming if you've got more! 

auntieembabes

It's ok if you don't overwhelmingly fall in love with your baby at first sight. You've been through a lot and you don't know this little person yet. Sometimes bonding takes a few days.
Hormones are terrible things and they lie, don't believe them if they make you think you're not good enough in any way. Talk to friends and family, sometimes just voicing your feelings out loud will help you gauge if it's really you or the hormones.

I promise, you are doing an amazing job at the hardest thing in the world.

berky84

This is a great thread! Thanks everyone! Keep 'em coming!

ashleysbf

auntieembabes said:

It's ok if you don't overwhelmingly fall in love with your baby at first sight. You've been through a lot and you don't know this little person yet. Sometimes bonding takes a few days.
Hormones are terrible things and they lie, don't believe them if they make you think you're not good enough in any way. Talk to friends and family, sometimes just voicing your feelings out loud will help you gauge if it's really you or the hormones.

I promise, you are doing an amazing job at the hardest thing in the world.

I agree with this one. It took me about two weeks to finally feel that overwhelming love for my child.

Bsks2002

Every calorie counts!!! And it doesn't just shed after the baby comes out. I totally gained 62 pounds with the first and it took almost a year to drop it. Gaining 15 pounds in the first trimester is bad

jefferpfeffer

Everything that has already been said is excellent. Remember to take a shower once and a while. It is amazing how a simple shower can change your outlook on life. You feel human again rather than a giant spit up rag. Breastfeeding is a learning curve for both of you, don't feel pressured from either side of the aisle. Whatever you can give your baby will help even if it is one day of breast milk. We had a rocky road with it in the beginning, but I found a support group and now I have some great friends to boot.

jerseybroadwaybaby

Don't be stupid! Educate yourself, ask questions, advocate for yourself!!!!!!! You are in charge especially when it comes to your doctor! They work for you not the other way around!

mamadown

You are the expert on your child... Don't let MIL, or anyone else tell you otherwise. You will get a lot of unsolicited advice, and a lot of it will be bad or out dated. The older generations will give you the, " well (you, DH...) turned out just fine". Just nod and go back to parenting the way you want to.

Do not eat everything in sight while pregnant. Breastfeeding is not a diet. I could not lose weight for the life of me while breastfeeding. Breastfeeding isn't always hard, I had a great experience.

I got caught up in making sure I was doing my best at growing the baby inside me, and reading a lot about how to get the baby safely out that I neglected to read up on what to do with the baby once she got here. And guess what? My baby did not sleep! I recommend reading Happiest Baby on the Block prior to giving birth. I didn't think I need to study up much because I had spent lots of time with babies...wrong.

mrsmoose5

Before I had DS, I had never been around babies at all and I knew absolutely nothing about them. So one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that all babies are different. They're humans, and just like you and me, they have different personalities, like and dislikes, etc. Seems obvious, I know, but in the beginning I got caught up reading baby books and things that said, "Most babies at this age ... " and hearing stories about how other people's babies behaved. I would get frustrated when DS didn't fall exactly in line with what the books said (when he didn't sleep for X amount of hours, etc.), or what other people's babies were doing, or what I envisioned my baby to be like. It took me a long time to realize that he was his own person and unlike any other baby, so I needed to stop comparing and stop getting frustrated when things didn't happen the way books or my idealized imaginings thought they should. Once you learn your baby's unique personality and fall in love with the baby you have (not the baby you envisioned or baby books depict), you will be so much happier and relaxed. Some babies will sleep long and hard, some won't, some will hate having their diaper changed, some will be more serious, and some more smiley, etc. ... it's all ok and normal and part of your baby's beautiful, unique personality. Just stop comparing and love your baby and you can't go wrong.

emucoleman

FORMULA IS NOT POISON. If you plan to breastfeed, then read up on it, do your best, ask for help, etc... (all the things PP have said), but it's okay if you decide to switch to formula. It's safe. It's fine. You're still a good mom. 

Also, all the challenges in the newborn days don't last forever. People will joke that "you'll never sleep again, it never gets easier," etc. Don't listen to them. Having a newborn is HARD and it does get easier as the baby gets older. It's okay to have a lot of mixed feelings those first few weeks (about yourself, about the baby). Get help if you need it, but also remember that for most people, the hormonal feelings and the difficulties will go away on their own and things will get easier. 

hellomommas

This is such an great thread! Even though this is my 3rd, there are a lot of great reminders...

Products: buy a stroller that converts to a double stroller if you hope to have more children. (The first stroller I bought was such a waste becAuse with the second we bought the city select which can be one or two seater.) --- also--- rock and play was one of the best purchases ever!

Me time is a must! Take a bath at night, walk the dog alone, SOMETHING where you can sanely think and reflect on life/the day/your spouse/ etc. Make a way to feel beautiful with way "less". For me, I made a 5- minute make up/face-wash hair-do kit so that even on a rough day when I didn't find time to shower, I could wipe my face with cleansing cloths, put foundation/blush/mascara on, and a sporty headband. You may not have time for your old routine including full make up and dried hair but you DO need to do something to feel "alive and beautiful"! At least I feel like I can take on the day when I feel taken care of.

KEEP A LIST OF WHAT NEEDS TO GO IN THE DIAPER BAG STOCK IN THE DIAPER BAG! That way, your husband can refer to the list and pack it while you are getting ready for wherever you're going. (Type a- I know, but you don't know how frustrating it is to have a baby crying, trying to get dressed, and he is standing there asking you what you need!)

Make plans/goals but expect to change them and be happy with the change--- (I.e. Natural birth/breast feeding/etc) the ultimate goal is to have a baby to love. How to love them the "right" way often either falls short or changes--- that's ok! Do your best and just love the heck out of them and ENJOY motherhood.

Use your pregnancy to get organized. Make a meal plan, make a chore schedule, make a list of life goals you don't want to lose sight of--- your thinking processes WILL be challenged on a daily basis. You will make lots of decisions. Take care of the daily decisions now like how to make sure there are clean clothes and food on the table.

I could go on for days... Haha

MillerMama13

Fantastic advice here! I wish I had known all of these things my first time around. One thing I've learned is to lower my standards. It sounds bad but if you're at all a perfectionist you will drive yourself crazy.

I had to lower my standards of a clean house. It's hard to keeps up and it's ok if your house doesn't look like it's ready for an open house.

Things are going to go wrong.

I couldn't breast feed I tried and tried. I got help. Still my daughter wouldn't stay latched for longer than half a second. It's ok.

You're baby will get hurt eventually. It's ok. You're not a failure.

These things happen to everyone whether they admit it or not. I expected everything to be perfect but it's just not realistic. No use in beating yourself up when something doesn't go as planned.

HighFive16

Know that everyone has a different journey in this. You will hear and read stories of bad pregnancies, bad birthing experiences and hard times parenting a new born. But that was one persons experience and it does not mean it will be yours. Listen to advice and learn from other peoples experiences but do not let them overwhelm you. 

I agree about the weight thing. It is a bitch to lose after. Try and be healthy for you and your baby. You will need your energy on the other side. 

I also agree that you do not need every device, piece of nursery furniture or even lots of space to make the baby happy and content. Don't stress about things you can't afford right now or don't have room for. Get the basics because the main thing baby needs is love and FOOD! lol. 

I read Happiest baby on the block. I felt it was a life saver. 

cjt121413

Great advice and brings back so many memories. My advice echos a lot of PP. Try to eat right and exercise during pregnancy. I gained 50 lb and still haven't lost some of it (DS will be 7 in january lol). Not only that, but I felt like shit in 3rd tri because of the weight.

Once baby is here remember it will get better! It gets SO much easier. Take it easy on your SO. Don't ride his or her ass to do things the way you want them done. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt. Don't forget you still love your partner even after LO is born, and he/she needs to hear it.

If you feel bad post partum, emotionally, don't wait to seek help. You deserve to be able to enjoy your baby.

Develop plans but be prepared to be flexible.

And BF ing is not difficult for everyone. I had a breast reduction before DS and we still had a pretty easy time BFing.

Edited because words.

cdnvb4

auntieembabes said:

It's ok if you don't overwhelmingly fall in love with your baby at first sight. You've been through a lot and you don't know this little person yet. Sometimes bonding takes a few days. Hormones are terrible things and they lie, don't believe them if they make you think you're not good enough in any way. Talk to friends and family, sometimes just voicing your feelings out loud will help you gauge if it's really you or the hormones. I promise, you are doing an amazing job at the hardest thing in the world.

This. All of this. Those first weeks, in particular, are rough. You may not feel a strong initial attachment to your baby. Or whatever attachment you feel may be dwarfed by the constant demands, lack of sleep, and self-doubt. Be kind to yourself and ask for/accept help. In a few short weeks, everything will feel differently.

etr152517

I would say something I'm glad I DID know early on was to discuss boundaries about the delivery room and visitors with DH. We had an ongoing dialogue throughout the pregnancy of who we wanted at the hospital and when (labors can last a while, I didn't want the pressure of everyone sitting there waiting for me) and when visitors were welcome at home and for how long (few hrs, overnight etc). Knowing how I felt made it much easier for him to enforce those boundaries when I was too exhausted to do it.

Also something I wish we had known to discuss earlier was a will. I know this is depressing to think about but pls make a plan on who will take your child(ren) if something happens. Our DS is now 18 months old and I'm doing the paperwork this wknd. You just never know. Its a tough conversation to have but it's important.

Oh another thing I wish I had known was that Braxton hicks can happen very early on. I was always under the impression it was only in late pregnancy. Mine started around 18 wks. It's your body's way of preparing for labor and there's no reason to worry. Just sit down and relax for a few min if you need to but they'll typically come and go quickly

MynaBird

• If you can afford it, have someone come in to clean your house. Even just once a month. Even just one single time.
• If you know you don't want to breastfeed, don't pretend you want to because you feel like it's the right thing to do. The important thing is that you feed your baby in a way that is safe for baby and comfortable for you.
• Ditto PPs about your birth plan -- it's a great exercise to help yourself think through what you would like in a perfect world, and just be prepared for everything to change once labor actually starts.
• Prenatal yoga really helped me prepare for labor.
• Recovering from childbirth might take a long time. Take it easy. Watch movies. 
• TAKE. YOUR. STOOL. SOFTENERS. RELIGIOUSLY.

sthomas1222

Hire a doula, even if you don't want a natural birth. They're there for everyone. 
If you want to breastfeed take a couple's class. Your partner needs to understand everything and he/she will be the one who remembers it in at 3am when you're crying and baby won't latch. He/she will also be your biggest supporter or your biggest nay-sayer. Get them on your side, breastfeeding success depends greatly on the support at home. Find an IBCLC now, before baby comes. Bonus points if she will come to you. And make sure your pediatrician is supportive and follows the WHO growth charts. Double bonus points if they have an IBCLC on staff (ours has 3 of them ). 

Hire a postpartum doula if you can. They'll do light housekeeping, laundry, dishes, light cooking. They'll hold the baby so you can shower or nap or whatever. They're amazing support and the best decision I made the 2nd time. 

Biggest one here ladies. There is sooooo much grey in raising a child. Don't get caught up in this parenting advice, that parenting theory, what your friend is doing, what your doctor is recommending (they give so much unnecessary "advice" especially about sleep). There is little black and white and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to do all the things "right". Do what works for you and your family and leave the rest.
I got so sucked into Attachment Parenting (AP) and it was driving me crazy trying to be like all my friends and what the books/websites/etc say. Finally I took what I needed from AP, some more from RIE, and made up a bunch of crap on the fly. 

Lyzza350

You do not give a shit what you look like "down there" when the big day comes. Don't even bother...

hillanne87

Take it easy after birth and don't try to do everything in the weeks following! I overdid it and my recovery took longer than it should have.

You are going to feel a roller coaster of emotions. The hormones are crazy even after birth. It's okay to cry because you're so happy and it's okay to cry at 3 am when your baby won't go to sleep and you don't know what to do.

Ditto to PPs that it's all a stage. Each stage has its own challenges, but it truly does get easier.

Take pictures of everything, even the most mundane moments. I love being able to look back on the little details.

Edited for spelling

DeePaddy24

Wow, this thread is amazing. I love all the advice given here. I'm so happy to know that I'm surrounded by such informative ladies...this rocks!