Shower/registry to fund leave from work? — The Bump
Baby Showers

Shower/registry to fund leave from work?

AppleRidgeAppleRidge member
Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
edited October 2015 in Baby Showers
A friend posted about this on Facebook.  An interesting option if you don't get leave and don't want lots of stuff.  What do you think?  Tacky?

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4 early losses 2009, 2010, 2015.  Baby #1 born 2/13/11.  
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Re: Shower/registry to fund leave from work?

  • I think the idea is for someone else to put this together for a mom-to-be in lieu of a gifts shower.  But I see your point, for sure.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    4 early losses 2009, 2010, 2015.  Baby #1 born 2/13/11.  
  • No. Tacky. 


    It is never polite to ask for money or funding for your own personal expenses... Besides, I actually enjoy giving gifts. As I am sure most people do, especially baby gifts. Being told that gifts are not necessary because you (general you) don't need anything doesn't help me feel exempt from gift giving, only like you're fishing for cash. For me, giving cash isn't as satisfying as giving a personal gift.

    And being told to donate to your "fund" whether it be to support your maternity leave, start a college fund, or take a babymoon, etc. only makes me feel taken advantage of. Let me give you a gift, if I choose. Don't tell me how to spend my money. 

    I'm sorry if you don't have enough money or time to spend on your new baby... that's not my fault or responsibility. People need to stop viewing gifts as a way to get others to pay for their lives... that's NOT what it is at all. No wonder most people aren't gracious or respectful anymore. Just let a gift be a gift. 
    All this here. Jeez. People have no shame anymore.
    kittyminkbcwash413PrimRoseMamaBringmemylongswordho
  • No. Tacky. 

    It is never polite to ask for money or funding for your own personal expenses... Besides, I actually enjoy giving gifts. As I am sure most people do, especially baby gifts. Being told that gifts are not necessary because you (general you) don't need anything doesn't help me feel exempt from gift giving, only like you're fishing for cash. For me, giving cash isn't as satisfying as giving a personal gift.

    And being told to donate to your "fund" whether it be to support your maternity leave, start a college fund, or take a babymoon, etc. only makes me feel taken advantage of. Let me give you a gift, if I choose. Don't tell me how to spend my money. 

    I'm sorry if you don't have enough money or time to spend on your new baby... that's not my fault or responsibility. People need to stop viewing gifts as a way to get others to pay for their lives... that's NOT what it is at all. No wonder most people aren't gracious or respectful anymore. Just let a gift be a gift. 
    Completely agree!!! People don't get to dictate the gift they get.

  • I don't like registries in general for the same reasons you guys name. But I guess I don't see why registering for specific stuff is seen as OK, but registering for time is tacky. People always have the option to give what they want (or nothing).
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    4 early losses 2009, 2010, 2015.  Baby #1 born 2/13/11.  
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Photogenic
    BBHME said:
    I don't like registries in general for the same reasons you guys name. But I guess I don't see why registering for specific stuff is seen as OK, but registering for time is tacky. People always have the option to give what they want (or nothing).
    My issue with these kinds of requests is that they are often along the lines of "we don't need anything so just give us $$".  So, to give anything else,  the giver is made to feel like they are going against what the couple wants. 

    Where, as a PP stated, a gift registry has always been about suggestions, "here's what we think we could use", but it's not a demand and I think that most people feel that if they don't buy off the registry, their gift will still be appreciated.

    But when people ask for money - it makes the giver question if their (non money) gift will actually be appreciated.
    [Deleted User]neverblushedBringmemylongswordho
  • 100% what VOR said above. 

    Being on the receiving end of one of these requests is really uncomfortable.  It seems like the person is saying "I don't care what you want to do or buy; I just want your money."  

    I find it slightly less awkward if the hostess makes a suggestion that folks who prefer can make a donation to a maternity leave fund rather than buy a gift, but even that's still awkward.
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  • No. No no no. All the nos.

    CharminglySouthern
  • People who want to just give you money will, I wouldn't try to dictate it.
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  • Unless there was like a medical issue or like something out of the ordinary that happened, I can't think of any reason why I'd be okay with this.  Like if there was an emergency delivery or something, then maybe I could see people at the job coming together and putting up some cash as a gift to help, but straight up asking for money? No. 
  • A lot of the feedback you will get in this thread is that's it's tacky. Only older and snobby people in your social circle will look at it like that. When my sister got married she had a small registry and a honeymoon fund. Most of our family contributed a gift and a small amount towards it and thought it was a lovely way to help out a new (read broke) couple. I wouldn't trust advice about etiquette in your social circle to a bunch of women who don't know you.
  • A lot of the feedback you will get in this thread is that's it's tacky. Only older and snobby people in your social circle will look at it like that. When my sister got married she had a small registry and a honeymoon fund. Most of our family contributed a gift and a small amount towards it and thought it was a lovely way to help out a new (read broke) couple. I wouldn't trust advice about etiquette in your social circle to a bunch of women who don't know you.
    I thought the honeymoon registry was nice too, until I learned what it really is. You're not paying for a couple's massage at the resort, you're just giving them cash. If you can't afford to go on a honeymoon and it's important to you, you either save more for one or don't have an elaborate wedding. As for this post, I believe it was more for discussion and not that OP is doing this.

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    kmcc14Sassenach1743Mamabeagleecwk
  • Yeah, it's a friend of mine who started it.  I'm not planning on using it (and I just m/c, anyway).  But I might have considered it with my first son, when my company unexpectedly told me that I had to come back at 6 weeks because I could no longer use sick leave.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    4 early losses 2009, 2010, 2015.  Baby #1 born 2/13/11.  
  • BBHME said:
    Yeah, it's a friend of mine who started it.  I'm not planning on using it (and I just m/c, anyway).  But I might have considered it with my first son, when my company unexpectedly told me that I had to come back at 6 weeks because I could no longer use sick leave.
    Sorry to hear about your m/c. Creepy Internet hugs to you.

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    ivyvines6AppleRidgePrimRoseMama
  • @BBHME I'm sorry for our loss. Prayers your way.
  • On another note, sorry for the double post, and after thinking about it I can see both sides of the story. I can see why someone would have such a fund and I can see why someone would find it tacky. Personally, from where I am from and how I was raised, some of the suggestions I have read on these threads that are supposed to be proper etiquette would be considered tacky. For example, I read on 1 thread where someone said that having a gathering at their home and serving lemonade and cake was a proper baby shower. Where I am from, that would be considered tacky, cheap and insulting to the guests and MTB. So I get @knottie9983816 is coming from in regards to trusting internet strangers opinions on what is acceptable in your social circle and what isn't. 

       Now on the other hand, I can totally see where other posters are coming from and why it would be seen as tacky to ask for money. Many people on this forum, from what I've read, see such things as dictating gifts, being gift grabby, and feel it is the parent's responsibility to get what they want for their child, despite having a gift giving event.  Personally, I don't care. If you have a fund and I want to give money towards it, I will. If you have a registry, I'll buy from it. If you don't have either, I'll ask the MTB/FTB if there is anything in particular they want or need. If there isn't anything, I'll just give a gift that I think would be nice and helpful for them. Sometimes, I think these discussions get a bit too intense to be for a baby shower, but they are entertaining. 

    But I just wanted to share for discussion's sake. 
    AppleRidgeMrsCliffwood
  • A lot of the feedback you will get in this thread is that's it's tacky. Only older and snobby people in your social circle will look at it like that. When my sister got married she had a small registry and a honeymoon fund. Most of our family contributed a gift and a small amount towards it and thought it was a lovely way to help out a new (read broke) couple. I wouldn't trust advice about etiquette in your social circle to a bunch of women who don't know you.
    I'm neither older nor snobby but I still think it's rude to ask for cash, and rude to ask for other people to pay for your vacation. As PP mentioned, HFs are misleading as well in that the company takes a cut and that you're not really gifting the couple with the experience you thought. I contributed to two of them before I figured out how they worked. Having good manners, behaving politely, and coaching others how to do so when they ask on an etiquette board does not an old, snobby person make. That sounds like a statement by someone who is trying to justify rude behavior and deflect criticism for doing so (not very well, by the way).
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  • Nope nope nope. A baby registry is a way for gift givers to see what you need (and also see what other people have already bought you, to prevent duplicates), but most people take it as a suggestion, not a requirement. If I was invited to a shower and asked to contribute to a maternity leave fund, I would think it was tacky. Baby gifts are not meant to pay for your life.

    I really despise the crowdfunding trend, so many people abuse it. Donating toward a close friend's unexpected major medical or funeral expense is one thing, paying for someone's wedding or vacation or baby is tacky as shit.
    fwtx5815VORTalulaPants
  • It's popular in Hispanic (and I'm sure other cultures) to have something called a "money tree". It literally says, like right on the invitation the amount, like $25, or whatever. Some people bring gifts too, but if it's on the invitations, people bring cash. It's super weird to me and when I was told this is how my baby shower would be I had serious reservations. Haha.

    I thought it was tacky, like begging or being greedy, but apparently it's culturally acceptable and we actually ended up with about half gifts and half envelopes with cash!

    I struggled SO HARD with the thank you notes!
  • *lurker*

    Sorry I know this is a bit of an older thread, but since it's still on the front page and towards the top I figure it okay.

    This site and using funding things for showers is definitely straight up tacky.  I would not do it and would side eye anyone who did.  BUT I don't think it's wise to compare this to the honeymoon fund.  Going on a honeymoon to Hawaii is very different than a mom with no paid leave wanting to spend time with her newborn.  In the US we have a real problem with parental leave - the same can't be said for honeymoons.  
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  • antoto said:
    *lurker*

    Sorry I know this is a bit of an older thread, but since it's still on the front page and towards the top I figure it okay.

    This site and using funding things for showers is definitely straight up tacky.  I would not do it and would side eye anyone who did.  BUT I don't think it's wise to compare this to the honeymoon fund.  Going on a honeymoon to Hawaii is very different than a mom with no paid leave wanting to spend time with her newborn.  In the US we have a real problem with parental leave - the same can't be said for honeymoons.  
    They're both things that you can save for, though.

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  • antoto said:
    *lurker*

    Sorry I know this is a bit of an older thread, but since it's still on the front page and towards the top I figure it okay.

    This site and using funding things for showers is definitely straight up tacky.  I would not do it and would side eye anyone who did.  BUT I don't think it's wise to compare this to the honeymoon fund.  Going on a honeymoon to Hawaii is very different than a mom with no paid leave wanting to spend time with her newborn.  In the US we have a real problem with parental leave - the same can't be said for honeymoons.  
    They're both things that you can save for, though.
    If you are privileged enough to have enough income that you are not living paycheck to paycheck (aka the majority of the US population) then yes.  You could also save up for a life saving surgery or treatment.
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  • antoto said:
    If you are privileged enough to have enough income that you are not living paycheck to paycheck (aka the majority of the US population) then yes.  You could also save up for a life saving surgery or treatment.
    I get that. I'm just saying that, while agree that the maternity leave policy (or lack thereof) in the US is dismal, it is no one's responsibility to fund that for you if it's not provided. Same as a honeymoon. 

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  • antoto said:
    If you are privileged enough to have enough income that you are not living paycheck to paycheck (aka the majority of the US population) then yes.  You could also save up for a life saving surgery or treatment.
    I get that. I'm just saying that, while agree that the maternity leave policy (or lack thereof) in the US is dismal, it is no one's responsibility to fund that for you if it's not provided. Same as a honeymoon. 
    Yeah I definitely agree it should never, ever be used as a registry.  I just think it's important to point out why it's not exactly like a honeymoon.  Honeymoon funds are exponentially worse.
    Me:29  DH:33
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    TTC #1: 4/16
    Dx PCOS (Non IR) 10/16
    5mg Femara + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone: 11/16 = BFN
    5mg Femara + 75 IU Gonal-F + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone: 12/16 = BFN
    5mg Femara + 150 IU Gonal-F + Ovidrel +IUI +Progesterone: 1/17 = BFN
    Preparing for IVF - Birth Control: 4/17 Stims: 5/17 
    IVF retrieval 6/17: 21 eggs retrieved, 20 mature.  17 fertilized with ICSI.
    7 blasts biopsied for PGS.  6 Healthy Embryos frozen for FET.
    FET of 1 embryo 7/12
    BFP on 7/17/17 Beta #1 10dpt = 524 Beta #2 12dpt = 1432 US at 5+5 shows healthy baby with heartbeat. Baby girl due 3/30/18 



  • antotoantoto member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited December 2015
    antoto said:
    *lurker*

    Sorry I know this is a bit of an older thread, but since it's still on the front page and towards the top I figure it okay.

    This site and using funding things for showers is definitely straight up tacky.  I would not do it and would side eye anyone who did.  BUT I don't think it's wise to compare this to the honeymoon fund.  Going on a honeymoon to Hawaii is very different than a mom with no paid leave wanting to spend time with her newborn.  In the US we have a real problem with parental leave - the same can't be said for honeymoons.  
    They're both things that you can save for, though.
    If you are privileged enough to have enough income that you are not living paycheck to paycheck (aka the majority of the US population) then yes.  You could also save up for a life saving surgery or treatment.
    I'll have to respectfully disagree with you here. While yes, paid leave in the US is a disgrace, these types of funds can be compared to honeymoon funds because in the end, a person is asking for money for something they have chosen to partake in. Having a honeymoon is a choice, having children is a choice. Both require the interested parties to save money in order to get what they want and in both cases, to ask for money to help fund it is tacky. No one is entitled to have a honeymoon, just like no one is entitled to have a child. And in the event of a life saving surgery, many times that is an unexpected event and often, a time-sensitive one that doesn't allow for people to save money. I'm not saying that circumstance makes it any less tacky to ask others for money but medical expenses are usually something that comes up without warning.
    I find this notion slightly reminiscent of the idea that "if you can't pay for xyz for children then you shouldn't have one" which is disgusting since not only wealthy people should get to have children.  I think everyone in this world should get to have children and spend an appropriate amount of postpartum time with their babies - even if they live pay check to pay check (76% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck meaning they are unlikely to be capable of saving for several months of leave.  source: http://money.cnn.com/2013/06/24/pf/emergency-savings/ ).  That shouldn't just be reserved for the wealthy. A honeymoon is a luxury - not going back to work at two weeks postpartum shouldn't be.  

    And fyi, 51% of pregnancies in the United States are not planned, so your assertion that medical surgeries of a different nature are different because of it being unplanned is incorrect.  source:  https://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-Unintended-Pregnancy-US.html.  

    Again - this funding isn't something that should be on a registry - that's inappropriate.  But honeymoons and postpartum leave are not comparable things.  I would even assert that it is EXACTLY THAT NOTION that keeps the US so far behind other first (and second... and third!) world countries in regards to parental leave. http://www.npr.org/sections/itsallpolitics/2015/07/15/422957640/lots-of-other-countries-mandate-paid-leave-why-not-the-us

    Anyways... that's my opinion.  Gofundme stuff on shower registries is not classy, but comparing postpartum leave to honemooning in the bahamas or something is a dick move.
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    fwtx5815Bringmemylongswordhocg0112358
  • I feel as if I should clarify. My stance is on the funds themselves (for any reason), not comparing a honeymoon to maternity leave. I do agree that paid leave is a need and honeymoons are extra. However, having a honeymoon is a want, just like having children is a want. Of course, there are unplanned pregnancies to be accounted for but to me, it still doesn't make it okay to ask for money to fund your leave. And where did I imply that having children is a privilege for the wealthy? I certainly am not, nowhere near it, and we do live paycheck to paycheck. I am absolutely in the camp that if you want children, you have to be able to afford them. It would be irresponsible to have them if you can't provide for them. Is this opinion uncommon? I didn't think so. I'd love to live in a huge house and go on a vacation every year. Unfortunately, I don't have the money to do this so I live in a small home and don't take vacations. DH and I wanted to have our kids close together but we couldn't afford two kids in daycare so we waited until we could do that. Everyone should get to have children if they want them. For me personally, I wouldn't if I couldn't afford it. It's not responsible in my eyes.
    Here we are specifically talking about postpartum leave.  Are you saying that if you cannot save up for 3 full months of salary in the 8 or less months prior to having the child then you simply don't deserve any postpartum leave? No one here has said it's anyone else's responsibility to personally pay for someone else's postpartum leave.  That's not something you have to argue against.  Having a child is not just a "want".  Having a child is not comparable in any way shape or form to taking an expensive vacation. You can easily argue that to many people having a child is our reason for being on this Earth in the first place.  It's our biological imperative.  

    Breaking it down to - "well you can't save up 3 months salary so you better not have kids, or just go back to work the week after having a child, maybe even after having a csection or horrible tearing. Just so you can pay your mortgage and student loans" is pretty horrible.

    I'm not arguing against you that these funds are in poor taste.  I'm not arguing that anyone personally other than the parents are financially responsible for a baby.  The only thing I am disagreeing with you about is that Parental leave is some sort of luxury.  When you argue that you are contributing to the part of society that prevents us from enacting better parental leave rights.  Postpartum leave should be a requirement - these funds are not reflective of entitlement like Honeyfund is.  It's reflective of a massive failure of our government.

    That is why I am so passionate about separating the two.
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    PrimRoseMama221bakerst
  • @thegoudalife : (LOVE  your SN by the way) I feel that way for myself about being able to afford the children I have and want. That's a personal standard for me, but where folks get into trouble-- is when they take a personal standard and try to apply it to the world at large. Statements like, "everyone should wait until they can afford kids to have them" (not that you said this-- just the general statement). For some, the way the economics are these days-- they would NEVER be in a comfortable financial position to be able to afford kids.

    Do I think only those that have the "right amount" of money should be able to procreate? No. I think it should be up to the individual family to set aside the money they need to provide for their children. Some families have issues with birth control and therefore, keep expanding. Some receive assistance and other stretch their resources-- sometimes both.

    Depending on who you talk to-- the answer is "just don't have sex" (not reasonable) or "just have an abortion" (also not always reasonable) or "just get birth control" (sometimes reasonable, and not 100% reliable). I've never felt that its anyone else's responsibility to fund my procreation adventures. That's on me and my husband. Again, my personal motto.

    There are those that accept assistance and keep on having babies. That's none of my business. I pay my taxes and I know a portion of them go to fund public assistance. If I don't like that (and I DO like that) then I can vote for other representatives that can cut funding to programs I disagree with. Personally, I feel that providing safe access to Feminine Care is essential and I do NOT mind paying more taxes to do so. I find that (again depending on who you talk to) I can be in the minority.

    TL;DR: Personal standards are awesome and not a problem. Just don't go on trying to tell folks how they should lead their lives or spend their money-- you're good.


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    antotoSassenach1743
  • @thegoudalife : (LOVE  your SN by the way) I feel that way for myself about being able to afford the children I have and want. That's a personal standard for me, but where folks get into trouble-- is when they take a personal standard and try to apply it to the world at large. Statements like, "everyone should wait until they can afford kids to have them" (not that you said this-- just the general statement). For some, the way the economics are these days-- they would NEVER be in a comfortable financial position to be able to afford kids.

    Do I think only those that have the "right amount" of money should be able to procreate? No. I think it should be up to the individual family to set aside the money they need to provide for their children. Some families have issues with birth control and therefore, keep expanding. Some receive assistance and other stretch their resources-- sometimes both.

    Depending on who you talk to-- the answer is "just don't have sex" (not reasonable) or "just have an abortion" (also not always reasonable) or "just get birth control" (sometimes reasonable, and not 100% reliable). I've never felt that its anyone else's responsibility to fund my procreation adventures. That's on me and my husband. Again, my personal motto.

    There are those that accept assistance and keep on having babies. That's none of my business. I pay my taxes and I know a portion of them go to fund public assistance. If I don't like that (and I DO like that) then I can vote for other representatives that can cut funding to programs I disagree with. Personally, I feel that providing safe access to Feminine Care is essential and I do NOT mind paying more taxes to do so. I find that (again depending on who you talk to) I can be in the minority.

    TL;DR: Personal standards are awesome and not a problem. Just don't go on trying to tell folks how they should lead their lives or spend their money-- you're good.
    Yessss.  DH and I have pushed back our TTC date a few times for various financial reasons (a big one is making sure I can pay to take leave because even as a public school teacher I wont receive a single day of paid leave for giving birth).  But just because I have this personal standard for my own personal bank account doesn't mean I will hold everyone to that same standard.  I am privileged in that I am young enough to wait a bit longer, have access to tools to prevent pregnancy,  etc.  I realize not everyone has those privileges. 


    Me:29  DH:33
    Married: 3/1/14
    TTC #1: 4/16
    Dx PCOS (Non IR) 10/16
    5mg Femara + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone: 11/16 = BFN
    5mg Femara + 75 IU Gonal-F + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone: 12/16 = BFN
    5mg Femara + 150 IU Gonal-F + Ovidrel +IUI +Progesterone: 1/17 = BFN
    Preparing for IVF - Birth Control: 4/17 Stims: 5/17 
    IVF retrieval 6/17: 21 eggs retrieved, 20 mature.  17 fertilized with ICSI.
    7 blasts biopsied for PGS.  6 Healthy Embryos frozen for FET.
    FET of 1 embryo 7/12
    BFP on 7/17/17 Beta #1 10dpt = 524 Beta #2 12dpt = 1432 US at 5+5 shows healthy baby with heartbeat. Baby girl due 3/30/18 



  • Again, I hope I am being clear: Every parent should get paid paternal leave. If you can't afford it, it doesn't mean I don't think you should have kids. However, I do feel it's irresponsible to have children if you cannot afford to them (i.e., their general care, food, shelter, etc.) Honeymoons and paid paternal leave are not the same. Having children and honeymoons are wants, in my eyes (children, not leave). This thread was about creating a GoFundMe for parental leave. Nowhere did I say that if you can't afford to take time off work to have a baby does that mean you should not have children. You are clearly passionate about this and I admire that. Perhaps I'm not explaining my thoughts in a more clear manner and I've tried wording it as such. For that, I apologize.
    Yeah I mean I think we just disagree on children being a "want" vs a "right".  It's okay that we disagree.  Thanks for being civil :)  

    But hey we can all agree that doing a fund for parental leave for a shower is in poor taste!  So we all vote no on that.
    Me:29  DH:33
    Married: 3/1/14
    TTC #1: 4/16
    Dx PCOS (Non IR) 10/16
    5mg Femara + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone: 11/16 = BFN
    5mg Femara + 75 IU Gonal-F + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone: 12/16 = BFN
    5mg Femara + 150 IU Gonal-F + Ovidrel +IUI +Progesterone: 1/17 = BFN
    Preparing for IVF - Birth Control: 4/17 Stims: 5/17 
    IVF retrieval 6/17: 21 eggs retrieved, 20 mature.  17 fertilized with ICSI.
    7 blasts biopsied for PGS.  6 Healthy Embryos frozen for FET.
    FET of 1 embryo 7/12
    BFP on 7/17/17 Beta #1 10dpt = 524 Beta #2 12dpt = 1432 US at 5+5 shows healthy baby with heartbeat. Baby girl due 3/30/18 



    PrimRoseMamaSassenach1743
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