Feeling selfish about shower... — The Bump
October 2015 Moms

Feeling selfish about shower...

So I've had two small showers so far, one with work and one with my side of family. We have gotten about 30 items off our registry from those and many items that we didn't really request. I have one more shower at the end of this month being hosted by my best friend, who also happens to be married to my husband's cousin. She has been so generous in asking me specifically what I want and really planning it for me! She will be inviting my husband's side of family and a couple friends so it will probably be the biggest shower.

*Side bar rant about MIL: Because I didn't want the same people being invited to three or four showers, I have declined offers from rest of family to plan showers. That has really pissed my MIL off and she keeps bringing up things she thinks my friend is doing wrong. She keeps saying we should have picked a different date because of such and such aunt that won't be able to make it... And then talking about the gifts she is going to buy for us to keep at her house for "her baby".......... I could literally throw up any time she brings stuff like that up!!! She about murdered me when we told her we changed the date to the Saturday we are moving into our new house (my husband doesn't want me helping move and said that would be best day to have shower so I wouldn't be stressed out.) Her response was "don't you think your wife should be there to help you move into your house?!" LoL sorry for the rant about MIL...


Sooooo this all made me start thinking about all the stuff we actually still need from our registry (that we will be keeping at our house) and trying to think of tactful ways to strongly suggest people only gift items from our registry. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I can complain about a gift, but there at literally 60 items on our list that we need more than clothes and toys, or "my aunt is awesome" 24 month onsies... Ie: diapers, wipes, car seat, high chair, bottles, changing pad... I'm feeling super selfish about the whole shower and am trying to calm down about it...
Any one else having shower/registry issues?! How have you all dealt with this?
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Re: Feeling selfish about shower...

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  • LilMuppet1022LilMuppet1022 member
    edited September 2015
    My only issue with my shower was that I am a vegetarian, and my mother in law did not take that into account with the menu, also did not have any non alcoholic beverages besides water! I felt very guilty being upset about it. But really, my husband and I have been vegetarians for a while now, shouldn't that be a priority in the menu choice. I had to special request something else to eat and then she made a comment about it to me!
    ruthsurfaceamberrmariee20
  • I only had one shower and most of my gifts were not bought off the registry, and we also did not get gift cards. I am grateful for the gifts we got (mostly clothes) but my husband and I sort of figured people wouldn't listen because we were actually told by people that they didn't like what was on the registry therefore they won't buy it. So the night after my shower I went online and purchased the rest of what we needed except the bassinet and humidifier, which I will be getting this week and next week. One big piece that I took from this experience is from here on out any baby shower I am invited to ( the first one I went to was my own) I will strictly buy off the registry, to help ease the mind of the mama to be, and I will buy necessities on their they will need for their little one.
    ruthsurfaceintheversa
  • mommyTARDISmommyTARDIS member
    edited September 2015
    If it helps:
    For my registry I only put necessity items, and a few things that I wish for on it, specifically b/c there will be those who will buy outside of it. It was advice I was given by a couple moms and it saved me so much time and stress searching for cute outfits, toys, books and other things that I can just buy later with gift cards.
    I did put some cute little Chicago Bears onesies on the list b/c they are my husbands favorite team, but the rest is all bath and bigger items.

    Some ladies from My mom's church, which is small, is throwing it for me and encoraged me to put some of the bigger items, like a pack n' play and car seat, on it b/c it's church tradition that some of the members will typically go in together to buy items like this for FTMs. But then just expect people to give us clothes and stuff they pickk out.

    So I only put items on the registry that I really wanted and feel like are needed(except for the Bears clothes) with the knowledge that I may not get all of them, and that I can go buy them later. (I have also been practicing the "Oh, its so cute thank you!" face and voice for when I open a bag and hate it >.< )

    MamaOwl15intheversanadyja
  • I know somewhat how you feel. I'm having my second boy four years after my first. I have gotten rid of a lot of smaller baby items, and some I wanted new: baby bottles, changing pad, diaper pail, all bath items, thermometer. We used my old crib and mattress that my parents had saved for me with my first son so I also wanted a new crib and mattress which we bought ourself but was semi pricey.
    The place I work has showers for everyone! Third or second babies, doesn't matter, and the last shower they had 3 months before she was due. Well needless to say I'm due in less than 5 weeks and still no shower
    ruthsurfaceintheversa
  • I don't really have any advice but I get how you feel. I don't want to have a shower at all because I am a shy person and hate being the center of attention. Our shower is actually this weekend and I'm dreading it. Also hardly anyone has bought things off of our registry and apparently a lot of people are coming so I am anticipating getting a lot of things we don't really want and that stresses me out too. We have a registry on Amazon and apparently no one can figure it out.
    ruthsurfaceROrtiz07
  • I completely understand how you feel! I'm not going to sit here & act like the etiquette police. I think we all know how annoying it can be to have a WHOLE BUNCH of things given to you that you don't need. I had my mom suggest gift cards on the invitations and left out my registry info because I'm sharing a room with baby, I really don't have space for things the baby won't need or I'll use frequently & I actually bought 90% of the things I needed before the shower anyway (nesting is a serious thing). Lol it didn't really work out for me because I got about 6 huge blankets & a massive amount of clothes that I can't put on the baby until next summer or at all since they'll be out of season by the time he'll fit them. & returning things for store credit usually only works if you know what store it came from, which most of the things I got had zero indication of that (no receipt, no tag, etc.) I ended up donating a lot of things. I felt better about giving stuff up to others who could use these things more than I could. So if you find yourself in a huge mountain of unwanted or unnecessary items, donate what you can.
    DeeGreerruthsurfacemeghan82J0C0TX
  • I donated a lot of stuff too. I took back anything I didn't need that had a receipt or was on my registry and donated the rest. But when I took stuff back, I got over $100 back of store credit so it's definitely worth it to take anything back that you don't need. :)
    ROrtiz07ruthsurfacernielsen321
  • I really had to fight the temptation to put "I would prefer this/that, really need/want this" notes on my registry b/c it's on Babyli.st and gives you the option to add a note:
    "You can add an additional note here to help your gift-givers. (Example: What size or color would you like)
    Although I did wind up putting a note on some of the options, and this is why.
    Baby list has an option to put Help and Favors options on the registry:
    I picked:Baby Books and put the notes:
    If you have any baby books you wish to give, new, old, silly/cute, educational, then please feel free to do so. I love reading and I can't wait to share that love of reading with our little one. (The number is just a placeholder we don't need 20 books, the site likes to have a number selected.) (this part is the only anoying part, you have to put a number
    While there are books I specifally want, I did not want to go to the trouble of adding all of them, I will just buy them later.
    I also picked: Used Baby Clothes (which I already know are being given):
    Why buy expensive new clothes if you don't have to? If you have any used baby clothes you wish to give instead then please feel free to do so. :) (The number is really just a placeholder, not a needed amount of clothing. Any amount is still welcome no matter what )

    There are also options for:
    Babysitting
    House cleaning
    Home-cooked Meals
    Dog Walking
    Please Help Me...(a blank card to ask for any other things that you really need help with more than things)
    ruthsurface
  • People are going to do what they want to do...regardless. You could take the stuff off your registry that you now feel isn't a necessity but then my previous statement still applies. I literally only registered for three outfits...3!!!....and received a ton of clothes. Just write gracious thank you notes and hope the tags are left on so that maybe you can return it and apply it to something you need. On another note....it doesn't matter what day your shower is there will always be someone who can't make it. Folks shouldn't take it so personal. It's not about aunt so so it's about when it's a good time for momma and host. Good luck.
    intheversaruthsurface
  • I've been lucky enough to have 3 showers. Almost everyone went off the registry. But I'm going to agree with everyone that you can't dictate what people give you.

    So you find other options. Start saving coupons. Take the items that you don't need back to the stores for store credit if possible. Or even start looking for it second hand. A little trick I've learned as a FTM, other moms know where to find the deals because they've been there too. So ask them. Or go garage sale shopping. I found so many gently used items for next to nothing. Another option is consignment sales or baby sale events. There are so many money saving options out there. The majority of my clothes for the baby are second hand.

    And if there's stuff you really need new, then unfortunately you're just going to have to buy it yourself. We bought our baby carrier, our base, and our changing pad. It sucks, but it's part of having a baby.
    MamaOwl15wassuphoesSbrouwer0706
  • I'm really practical too, so what we did was instead of having a registry, my best friend organised a "group gift" that people could opt into. About 80% of the guests opted in so I was lucky enough to get several larger items and a few smaller ones I wanted. I also organised a group gift for my friend and we were able to buy her the pram she wanted. We both received some gifts that were chosen by guests but overall were happy with the result
    intheversaruthsurfaceMamaOwl15
  • ROrtiz07 said:

    I completely understand how you feel! I'm not going to sit here & act like the etiquette police. I think we all know how annoying it can be to have a WHOLE BUNCH of things given to you that you don't need. I had my mom suggest gift cards on the invitations and left out my registry info because I'm sharing a room with baby, I really don't have space for things the baby won't need or I'll use frequently & I actually bought 90% of the things I needed before the shower anyway (nesting is a serious thing). Lol it didn't really work out for me because I got about 6 huge blankets & a massive amount of clothes that I can't put on the baby until next summer or at all since they'll be out of season by the time he'll fit them. & returning things for store credit usually only works if you know what store it came from, which most of the things I got had zero indication of that (no receipt, no tag, etc.) I ended up donating a lot of things. I felt better about giving stuff up to others who could use these things more than I could. So if you find yourself in a huge mountain of unwanted or unnecessary items, donate what you can.

    I'm not surprised your plan didn't work out for you. If I received an invitation where gift cards were suggested I would purposely ignore that and go out and buy whatever I wanted. It comes across as telling your guests you are only after their money. What if someone can't afford to buy you a baby blanket, but has taken hours of their time to hand make one? A gift like that would mean so much more to me than anything a gift card can buy.
    The gift card suggestion wasn't a blatant "mom wants gift cards". It was written in a little poem explaining the lack of space & it was merely a suggestion, as is a registry. So wouldn't it be just as offensive to hand people a registry card saying "this is the stuff I want"? A gift card doesn't need to be some crazy amount of money. $5, $10, those things all add up at the end of the day. It's amazing how judgemental & downright spiteful people like you can be. So because someone makes a suggestion YOU don't like, you'd purposely go out of your way to do something to annoy them? That's way more offensive than SUGGESTING a gift card.
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