Crazy MIL. should I take it to heart or let it go?

Mdee1201

One day a few weeks ago me and my DF ran into some money issues. We asked my MIL to borrow some money for a few days. Her response was that we should consider adoption.... we've only asked her one time & we explained to her why we were asking. Up until that point she was supportive. She even bought us a car seat and stroller and some clothes! After she said that, I just broke down and cried... mostly hormones I'm sure but it really hurt my feelings that she said that. I don't think running into some financial issues once in a while would make me a bad mother. Now since she said that I've been stressing about if I'm gonna be good mother or not. Is what my MIL said something I should just let it go, or do I have a right to be offended? Since that day, we've barely spoken. I just dont know if I'm being a hormonal b**** or if this is something someone else would take offensive...

meansallison

I would be upset. A few months back we took out a small loan from my MIL. I understand that sometimes things come up that you weren't financially ready for. That does not mean you should give up your child. I find it slightly overboard that she would say that. However in laws can be crazy. I would sit down and talk to her again, if she truly feels like you should give your LO up then I would reevaluate the relationship. Best of luck OP

KateLouise

I don't think having money troubles makes you a bad or potentially bad parent, nor does it mean you should give up your baby.

However, if my grown child was asking me for money I would be concerned enough to want to reassure myself that they were making smart money choices, and on the path to straightening out whatever the situation was.

I know money issues can come from anywhere, and an unexpected bill doesn't mean you were being foolish with your money before hand, but depending on the situation I might make some suggestions about building an emergency fund, paying down debt etc.

Again, I have no idea about your specifics, and I am not suggesting YOU were making bad money choices, so just saying that if I was MIL these are the things I would want to reassure myself about. But suggesting you give away your baby over one financial blip, is completely over the top and ridiculous

celainev

Nope! I don't think financing has anything to do with being a good mother. A mother is someone who will love and take care of their child. If asking to borrow money means you are taking care of your child, then so be it! She can stuff it.

I have a MIL who talked her own daughter into the adoption of her firstborn. Now they don't even speak. She was 23 and perfectly capable of raising the kid herself but her mom didn't want it to "look bad" as the father was from a one night stand. Now my SIL is an amazing mother who wishes she could be the mother to her firstborn as well.

Adoption is tricky, and the only one who should be making that decision is you and your SO.

That being said, you sound like a person who wants to be a mother, and will be a great mother. Don't listen to what your MIL thinks. This is you and your SO's decision.

djdawn29a

I would be completely offended and be waiting for an apology...that is just plain mean...

Greco1014

What she said was bizarre and over the top, no question.

I do think when you ask a family member or friend for money, than person has the right to express concern and ask questions. Because, you know, you are asking for their money. But for her to suggest adoption is such a huge leap. Is she normally over-dramatic?

I wouldn't demand or expect an apology, and I wouldn't waste a lot of time feeling bad over this because having some money issues has no bearing on whether or not you'll be a good mother. I would, however, think long and hard before you ask MIL for help or confide in her in the future. She just sounds like the kind of person who'll make you feel even worse about things...

thegingeravenger

Being irresponsible would have been needing the money 100% and being too pigheaded to ask for help. Suggesting adoption for a one-time "oh shit" moment is way over the top, unless she knew that you blew the money on blackjack and hookers or something similar. 

ChiccoBeanz

You are not being a hormonal b. What she said was mean, thoughtless, unnecessary and off base. Personally, if my FMIL said something like that to me, she'd have her money back ASAP and a serious issue with me. But we may have different family dynamics. I'm also not very tolerant of such remarks and my SO would have said something to her for even making such a comment, but that is neither here nor there. I suggest you take it with a grain of salt (as Idk your family dynamic) and don't wait for an apology. I agree with pps that she does have the right to ask questions as she is lending you and her child money, and you are adults. But, a STRONG but at that, she crossed a line and what she said was inappropriate, especially if she had no reason to back such a suggestion. Has your SO spoken to her about this? How does he feel about it? Does she normally say things like this or was this a 1x fluke? I'd just keep this in mind in the future, and I wouldn't ask her for help anymore personally.  

kristen2b

If her remark literally came out of nowhere because you needed help covering a small out of nowhere bill then sure. It was uncalled for and crazy.
If there's way more to this story that we aren't getting for her to have said that then who knows if that remark was unfounded.

SummerFall03

Did your SO say anything to your mother in law about this? Comments like that are so unnecessary and ignorant. If my MIL said something like that to me I'd make the easy decision to cut ties- but that is also because I have an already bad relationship with her. I just think that is inexcusable.

PrimRoseMama

Mdee1201 said:

One day a few weeks ago me and my DF ran into some money issues. We asked my MIL to borrow some money for a few days. Her response was that we should consider adoption.... we've only asked her one time & we explained to her why we were asking. Up until that point she was supportive. She even bought us a car seat and stroller and some clothes! After she said that, I just broke down and cried... mostly hormones I'm sure but it really hurt my feelings that she said that. I don't think running into some financial issues once in a while would make me a bad mother. Now since she said that I've been stressing about if I'm gonna be good mother or not. Is what my MIL said something I should just let it go, or do I have a right to be offended? Since that day, we've barely spoken. I just dont know if I'm being a hormonal b**** or if this is something someone else would take offensive...

Generally, I think this type of comment is out of line. Financial ability does not a mother make. It does help provide for the children though, not going to lie. Its hard to mother when you are stressed about how to put food on the table. Patience is short when money is short, and you'll be dealing with a lot of physiological changes etc. So it might be tough on you.

Does that mean I think you will suck as a mother? No, not in the least. I just think its wise to be aware of the realities that might come to bite you. Please don't stress about this comment from you MIL-- she could have made her point in a more gentle way. If she is concerned about being able to provide adequately for the kids she should have the discussion in an upfront, but polite way.

It sounds like there is more going on here than you've described. Where is your husband in all of this? Was your pg a surprise? If so you've got to surf the wave and you can figure out how to make it work. Maybe talk to your MIL and see if y'all can have an airing of grievances in a controlled setting? You both have the option to table the discussion if you get too upset, but talk about it. Things only get more complicated when the kid is out of the oven.

I have a difficult MIL (Tiger Mom Extreme) that is constantly nit-picking the way I parent, what I eat, my body, my potential. I mean, you name it and I've done it wrong. My kids are destined for failure and I am a lazy, fat excuse for a Mom. She doesn't hold back at all, ever. My husband tells her to shut it, but she barrels forward. So I feel for you about inappropriate, hurtful and stressful things that your MIL can say. I really do.

Build a good wall and realize that everyone has Mom Guilt and Mom Worry. Everyone worries they will fuck it up. True story, when your LO gets here you will have days when you feel like you've failed. Its not the end. You dust off and try again tomorrow. My mama always says, "some days you eat the bear and some days the bear eats you".

Seek shelter with your husband (hopefully he will say something to his mother like mine does-- she's just impervious/aloof/doesn't give a shit), positive friends that build you up and family that support you for you.

If you need to talk you can private message me. I'm generally around. Seriously, I can't tell you how much support you need in the beginning. BIG HUGS.  

4N6s

I would stop asking her for anything. Lol