family member doesn't care about my pregnancy.

sam301

I have a sister who is 12 years older than me. Married and divorced with no children, she lived overseas for years but just recently came back home because she couldn't get residency. I was only 12 weeks pregnancy when she came home and she's been here for the whole pregnancy so far (now 21 weeks) she rolls her eyes when people bring up or ask about my twins. She's going to a friends house 2 hours away on the day of my baby shower and not attending it. She doesn't ask anything about bubs. And just last night I had to get an emergency stitch in my cervix cause my cervix shortened, when I told her, she said 'yeah I know' cause my other sister had told her. She's been so sour about the whole thing and I've done nothing to upset her. Has anyone else had to deal with a family member who doesn't exactly approve of your pregnancy and is horrible about it? Or What would you do in my situation?

KittyCat84

That must be difficult to deal with, especially if you two are close. From the information given on her background, it may be due to jealousy over your happy development and resentment over her life not turning out the way she preferred. It could be particularly painful for her to see, so that could be the reason for her unsupportive behavior. Personally, I would take her out to lunch and inquire as to her behavior and explain to her that it's caused you concern/grief/sadness/insert feeling here. I would approach it from a very non-judgmental place, understanding that her behavior most likely has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the way your news makes her feel about herself. You'll be able to find out what's truly going on, and hopefully connect with her in a deeper way that will allow you two to become closer. Good luck, and hope everything turns out for the best  

Mamabeagle

Nobody will ever care about your pregnancy or child as much as you. I don't know your relationship, but I know that I take pains not to talk about myself too much to others and am always sure to ask about them. This is a great philosophy for pregnancy too.

delujm0

Mamabeagle said:

Nobody will ever care about your pregnancy or child as much as you. I don't know your relationship, but I know that I take pains not to talk about myself too much to others and am always sure to ask about them. This is a great philosophy for pregnancy too.

This. Being pregnant is wonderful, but it doesn't require that you become the center of attention for everyone you know for 9 months. Some people just aren't into babies. Nothing wrong with that.

sam301

Clearly you people didn't read what what I said. I'm not forcing anything on her, I don't bring it up at all and never try to be centre of attention. Don't answer or discuss things you have negative things to say about. Are you on this forum to make other women feel terrible? Why bother answering things.

missemmawoodhouse

sam301 said:

I have a sister who is 12 years older than me. Married and divorced with no children, she lived overseas for years but just recently came back home because she couldn't get residency. I was only 12 weeks pregnancy when she came home and she's been here for the whole pregnancy so far (now 21 weeks) she rolls her eyes when people bring up or ask about my twins. She's going to a friends house 2 hours away on the day of my baby shower and not attending it. She doesn't ask anything about bubs. And just last night I had to get an emergency stitch in my cervix cause my cervix shortened, when I told her, she said 'yeah I know' cause my other sister had told her. She's been so sour about the whole thing and I've done nothing to upset her. Has anyone else had to deal with a family member who doesn't exactly approve of your pregnancy and is horrible about it? Or What would you do in my situation?

sam301 said:

Clearly you people didn't read what what I said. I'm not forcing anything on her, I don't bring it up at all and never try to be centre of attention. Don't answer or discuss things you have negative things to say about. Are you on this forum to make other women feel terrible? Why bother answering things.

Telling you it's ok that your sister isn't interested in your pregnancy isn't being mean. Why do you think she needs to ask you about the baby? I guess I can't imagine bringing up my cerclage to someone without them asking first - especially if that person has shown little to no interest in discussing my pregnancy.

djdawn29a

I had the same problem with my mother during my second pregnancy...not sure y she acted that way..my daughter is 19 now and she never once showed an interest in her life..although my 2 sisters kids she has been all in on... If ur sister is jealous which it sounds like that then just don't bring it up and stick with people who genuinely care about u and ur lo..good luck..

Lulucooks

sam301 said:

Clearly you people didn't read what what I said. I'm not forcing anything on her, I don't bring it up at all and never try to be centre of attention. Don't answer or discuss things you have negative things to say about. Are you on this forum to make other women feel terrible? Why bother answering things.

First, not how this works. No one was negative, you asked for advice. You can't dictate what advice you get.

Second, I never asked my sister about her pregnancies. Love her kids to death but what's there to talk about? Don't recall her ever asking about mine either.

ETA Ohandalso, I can tell when my sister is hurt and usually I know why. If it's something silly I avoid her for a while till she gets over it. Because silly things shouldn't be cause for a fight and I would rather it die out than upset my sister further by pointing out why she is wrong. Perhaps that is what's happening here.

KristieA

Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe you don't know the whole story behind your sister's behaviour? Maybe she hates kids. Maybe she has fertility issues and that is why she hasn't had any of her own. Perhaps she is jealous of you for getting pregnant first. Maybe she is worried your relationship with her will change once a LO comes along.

These are just the possible explanations from the top of my head. It could be that your sister is not trying to be rude at all but this is her coping mechanism. She doesn't have to be excited about your pregnancy.

Mamabeagle

OP, just because you don't like a response doesn't make it negative. Internet 101.

I have posted that same sentiment on similar threads in the past and will continue to do so, because it's a very real possibility that that is the issue. You asked what to do. All I suggested was that you show an interest in your sisters life, and perhaps she would reciprocate.

bbiutmcph

sam301 said:

Clearly you people didn't read what what I said. I'm not forcing anything on her, I don't bring it up at all and never try to be centre of attention. Don't answer or discuss things you have negative things to say about. Are you on this forum to make other women feel terrible? Why bother answering things.

I feel like this response is very telling.  Actually you got great feedback. I agree with all the others.

groovylocks

It feels like you're asking us how to make your sister be more supportive. There is only one answer to that. You can't. And more than that, you shouldn't try. Let her be for now. I realize you're trying to use baby to bond with auntie. But it's not working because it's not what she wants.

So you may have to just pick your battles on this. Give her some space.

DanceNQueenHH

I actually can understand and empathize. My own mother isn't really excited about me being pregnant. She has made comments since before I was pregnant that I thought weren't serious, but it turns out...she just doesn't think kids are that great (totally explains my childhood). My step dad is beyond excited, so that helps. And I know you can't "make" anyone excited for you...but it does hurt that someone you're close to doesn't seem to be happy for you or want to share in the journey. Having a baby is a big deal to most people, so you want those closest to you to feel at least somewhat positively. I have noticed that in my situation, after I brought up a few comments being made and he they made me feel...my mother has at least held back her negative side and seemed more positive. Not sure if that helps or not, but you aren't wrong to be sad or disappointed. I hope it gets better!!!!

DrillSergeantCat

I think Bonnie Raitt said it best..."I can't make you love me, if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't." This applies not only to unrequited love but to a lot of things. I can understand being disappointed that your sister isn't as excited as you want her to be and she's not as excited as you would be for her, but unfortunately you can't do anything about it other than talk to her. Have you tried to talk to her about it? It sounds to me like if you're bringing up your cerclage, then you're probably talking about it more than you realize and that's okay! This is a very exciting time in your life. But seriously, talk to her because there's not much we can do for you other than listen.

2-Step

I understand where you are coming from. When you are adding a family member you naturally hope that they will be close to the people in your family that you care about and of course you will want to share your life experiences with those you are close to. Obviously this is out of character for her, otherwise you wouldn't be worried about these reactions and posting on here. 

I feel like the advice that pper gave to sit down and talk to your sister about it is best. Maybe she really just doesn't like kids or care like some suggested, or maybe she has something deeper going on and she really needs your support and love and feels like you are too distracted or in your own world right now. Whatever it is you just need to listen and hear her out. Be prepared to stay calm if she doesn't open up or maybe even gets defensive. All you can do to reach out and let her know you care about her and hope it gets better. I wouldn't flat out tell her you are upset about her not caring about the pregnancy, just mention that you feel like she hasn't been as connected to you lately and maybe even a little upset with you and you want to know why. Once the conversation starts flowing then maybe gently ask if it has anything to do with the pregnancy and you'd like to understand her. 

Also, some advice about this board. It is very true that people are going to give responses you might not like. You have to remember that people on here are from all walks of life, all attitudes and many are not here to be nice. Some are even here to purposefully be judgmental and mean or harsh. Calling them mean only fuels their fire. Others are just matter of fact and will flat out tell you something you might not want to hear. Remember it is one person's opinion, not a personal attack. So, give some thought to it and sift through the responses, then take to heart the ones that seem helpful and simply ignore the rest. If you can't do that without having your feelings hurt (which I understand), then don't post here because there is very little chance you will find that you agree with or like everyone's comments and a forum might not be for you. 

Knottie15742183

Sorry for your situation. But there's nothing you can do because you can't make somebody care about something just because you want them too.

My feelings would be hurt but I would move on why let this ruin your pregnancy??

cMichelle0423

sam301 said:

Clearly you people didn't read what what I said. I'm not forcing anything on her, I don't bring it up at all and never try to be centre of attention. Don't answer or discuss things you have negative things to say about. Are you on this forum to make other women feel terrible? Why bother answering things.

I hate to break it to you, but when you come and put your business on a public forum like this, you're not going to be able to control how people respond. You got some good responses, so I'm not really sure what you're getting so bend out of shape for. Maybe since you don't like your feedback from here, you should put your big girl panties on and talk to your sister about it, like an adult.

YogaSandy

A totally different perspective: I hated people asking about my pregnancy etc ALL. THE. TIME.  As soon as we announced, it seemed like that was all anyone cared about.  It made me feel like simply an incubator.  Like I no longer had any purpose or value except for carrying a child.  Don't even get me started on people wanting to touch my stomach.  Since this is how I felt, I make conversations with pregnant women about them and their lives, not simply being pregnant - because there is so much more to them than that.

jencook25

While my sister has been great, my sister in law is a nightmare. Luckily she lives 2000kms away. Your sister sounds exactly the same as her. With my sister in law, it comes from mental instability, and also jealousy. She really needs to be the centre of attention, and if she is not the one with the 'big, new news' is a nightmare. I would suggest a discussion with her, being very non-judgemental and open minded. However, i have tried this with my sister in law and it does not work with all people! If this is the case you just need to accept it and move on, surround yourself with positive people and dont let it bug you or stop you enjoying your pregnancy.
Thr other thing i would be careful of is if she has infertility issues you dont know about, and its a protection me mechanism for her, which is obviously a hard situation. Good luck!

TacoSarah

So after setting up a life in a new country and then being forced to leave said country because she couldn't get residency, have you stopped to consider that maybe she is suffering from depression because she was forced to leave her home, her friends and her life?

Have you been supportive of her transition?

biancamarie90

I had the same issue with my mil and sil. They treated me like crap and made no attempt to hide it. When I tried to ask if I'd done something wrong I got the simple response "No, we just don't like you." It hurt a lot, especially since it was such an important part of my life and I really hoped we could bond over it as a family. I learned the hard way that pushing the issue was only going to make worse. I put some distance between us and let things be. Now, my first child is five and they have no part in her life, their sons, or my own. I have to say with all the needless drama gone it makes me wonder why I let it bother me in the first place! My husband and I are have our next baby on the way and we couldn't be happier with our lives. My advice, if gently talking it out doesn't work then don't waste the most important part of your life being sad over it. Be happy, be strong, and move forward.

4N6s

I wouldn't care, ain't nobody going to rain on my parade.
If she's not interested, stop talking to her about it.
She's probably jealous she never had the opportunity to have kids... Or something.

ZoeyRaeJames

Sounds like a bad bag of "Jelly Beans", as I call it! My mother gets this way with me. IF she isn't constantly touching my stomach, and calling MY child "HER baby", which she knows annoys the hello out of me...she's always trying to pull the focus and attention on her when I am around her! I shrug the latter off. But the stomach touching gets waaaay out of control with her! @-) I honestly think she has some issues going on there!

celainev

My elder sister doesn't talk about my pregnancy either. At first I was upset when she told me it "grosses her out." Then I realized that she's allowed to her own opinions on pregnancy and it doesn't mean she doesn't like me. She has actually been calling the family more (she lives 12 hours away) and has expressed loneliness so I asked her about it and she's suffering from anxiety and in therapy. Which I also suffer from. So now we talk about that instead.
Sometimes you just have to accept that not everyone likes talking about pregnancy.

PrimRoseMama

KittyCat84 said:

That must be difficult to deal with, especially if you two are close. From the information given on her background, it may be due to jealousy over your happy development and resentment over her life not turning out the way she preferred.It could be particularly painful for her to see, so that could be the reason for her unsupportive behavior. Personally, I would take her out to lunch and inquire as to her behavior and explain to her that it's caused you concern/grief/sadness/insert feeling here. I would approach it from a very non-judgmental place, understanding that her behavior most likely has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the way your news makes her feel about herself. You'll be able to find out what's truly going on, and hopefully connect with her in a deeper way that will allow you two to become closer. Good luck, and hope everything turns out for the best  

Post-it. Permanent marker...

WTF @kittycat84 ? Your advice in this thread & others is just so off base it's physically painful. You need to cut this presumption & assumption out. For real...

You know NOTHING about this older sister's life situation. She could be child free by choice. You are making blanket statements based on very scant information & that's very unwise.

Not every family member has to jump for joy when another is pregnant. It sounds like these sisters are not close. It's not reasonable to expect someone you don't know well to be super excited that your ute is occupied.

PrimRoseMama

sam301 said:

Clearly you people didn't read what what I said. I'm not forcing anything on her, I don't bring it up at all and never try to be centre of attention. Don't answer or discuss things you have negative things to say about. Are you on this forum to make other women feel terrible? Why bother answering things.

Because reality is knocking-- answer the door, dear. Why bother posting things if you just want folks to tell you what you want to hear, @sam301 ?

You want this person to care & they don't. Move on & surround yourself with Those that care. I'm not sure why your sister MUST care?

PrimRoseMama

4N6s said:

I wouldn't care, ain't nobody going to rain on my parade.
If she's not interested, stop talking to her about it.
She's probably jealous she never had the opportunity to have kids... Or something.

What the actual heck?! Why does a woman have to be "jealous" in order to not be enthusiastic about kids?!

This drives me insane. I have many friends in their 30s & 40s who are married/single-- no desire to have kids. They aren't excited by pregnancy or small children. I know this. I'm not butthurt or claim they are jealous of me because I chose to procreate.

Is this real life?!

KittyCat84

@PrimRoseMama I'm sorry you didn't like my advice. I've experienced friends going through infertility, and a close family member that is childless not by choice...so this colors my experience, because I know how people respond when they are hurt by pregnancy announcements (Not presumed, I've had intimate conversations with individuals regarding this and how they feel and respond) . I apologize if it seemed presumptive as that was not my intention at all. From what I gathered, it sounds like her sister had many major life changes and it's probably a hard time for her. I was trying to provide a *possible* explanation for her behavior, so maybe OP could understand that this isn't about her and this *may* be a response to the way it makes her sister feel. That's why I encouraged her to sit down to find out what is really going on and see if she could be of support to her sister...so communication could open up a door to connect with her sister, because it sounds like it's hurtful to her to have her not care about her pregnancy.  I completely agree with you, a lot of women are completely happy without children, and I think that's wonderful. Not every woman wants to have children and it's beautiful that we can prevent having children if we don't want them. I will be more careful in my wording with future advice. 

talinani

Definition of Compassion is "sharing in someone's pain". This can be applied to both individuals in this situation. >:D<

inomniaparatus

PrimRoseMama said:

KittyCat84 said:

That must be difficult to deal with, especially if you two are close. From the information given on her background, it may be due to jealousy over your happy development and resentment over her life not turning out the way she preferred.It could be particularly painful for her to see, so that could be the reason for her unsupportive behavior. Personally, I would take her out to lunch and inquire as to her behavior and explain to her that it's caused you concern/grief/sadness/insert feeling here. I would approach it from a very non-judgmental place, understanding that her behavior most likely has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the way your news makes her feel about herself. You'll be able to find out what's truly going on, and hopefully connect with her in a deeper way that will allow you two to become closer. Good luck, and hope everything turns out for the best  

Post-it. Permanent marker...

WTF @kittycat84 ? Your advice in this thread & others is just so off base it's physically painful. You need to cut this presumption & assumption out. For real...

You know NOTHING about this older sister's life situation. She could be child free by choice. You are making blanket statements based on very scant information & that's very unwise.

Not every family member has to jump for joy when another is pregnant. It sounds like these sisters are not close. It's not reasonable to expect someone you don't know well to be super excited that your ute is occupied.

You'd be really naive if you think some jealousy isn't going on. Sisters should be interested and excited when they have a niece or nephew on the way. I definitely think something else is going on and agree with @kittycat84. Her opinion isn't off base at all. I agree, her behavior had nothing to do with you, but something she's probably is struggling with personally.

inomniaparatus

inomniaparatus said:

PrimRoseMama said:

KittyCat84 said:

That must be difficult to deal with, especially if you two are close. From the information given on her background, it may be due to jealousy over your happy development and resentment over her life not turning out the way she preferred.It could be particularly painful for her to see, so that could be the reason for her unsupportive behavior. Personally, I would take her out to lunch and inquire as to her behavior and explain to her that it's caused you concern/grief/sadness/insert feeling here. I would approach it from a very non-judgmental place, understanding that her behavior most likely has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the way your news makes her feel about herself. You'll be able to find out what's truly going on, and hopefully connect with her in a deeper way that will allow you two to become closer. Good luck, and hope everything turns out for the best  

Post-it. Permanent marker...

WTF @kittycat84 ? Your advice in this thread & others is just so off base it's physically painful. You need to cut this presumption & assumption out. For real...

You know NOTHING about this older sister's life situation. She could be child free by choice. You are making blanket statements based on very scant information & that's very unwise.

Not every family member has to jump for joy when another is pregnant. It sounds like these sisters are not close. It's not reasonable to expect someone you don't know well to be super excited that your ute is occupied.

You'd be really naive if you think some jealousy isn't going on. Sisters should be interested and excited when they have a niece or nephew on the way. I definitely think something else is going on and agree with @kittycat84. Her opinion isn't off base at all. I agree, her behavior had nothing to do with you, but something she's probably is struggling with personally.

Edited to add: there's nothing wrong by choosing to be childless, but if you are really comfortable in this choice, you should be able to celebrate when someone you love is having a baby.
This is not just a friend- it's a sister.

sanayeli

That's her sister of course she's going to want her to ask. I love my sister and if she was the one pregnant I would at least ask about it once in awhile .

salazare4446

@sam301 I know exactly what you're going through. Im going through a similar situation with my mom. It hurts knowing that the person who should be supporting you throughout this incredible stage in your life is an absence through it all. My advice is to stay clear from the negativity for your baby's sake. You don't need the unnecessary stress and pain that goes along with your sister's presence (or lack there of).

It has been incredibly difficult for me, especially since I yearn to go to my mom for advice, but I know it is the best thing to do for my little one - my health comes first for my baby's sake.

Hope I helped.

tetchy

If a person cares about you they care about or attempt to show care for the things that are important to you. 

She clearly doesn't care about you and should be cut out of your lives.  Save you and your child from future heartache.

PrimRoseMama

inomniaparatus said:

That must be difficult to deal with, especially if you two are close. From the information given on her background, it may be due to jealousy over your happy development and resentment over her life not turning out the way she preferred.It could be particularly painful for her to see, so that could be the reason for her unsupportive behavior. Personally, I would take her out to lunch and inquire as to her behavior and explain to her that it's caused you concern/grief/sadness/insert feeling here. I would approach it from a very non-judgmental place, understanding that her behavior most likely has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the way your news makes her feel about herself. You'll be able to find out what's truly going on, and hopefully connect with her in a deeper way that will allow you two to become closer. Good luck, and hope everything turns out for the best  

Post-it. Permanent marker... WTF @kittycat84 ? Your advice in this thread & others is just so off base it's physically painful. You need to cut this presumption & assumption out. For real... You know NOTHING about this older sister's life situation. She could be child free by choice. You are making blanket statements based on very scant information & that's very unwise. Not every family member has to jump for joy when another is pregnant. It sounds like these sisters are not close. It's not reasonable to expect someone you don't know well to be super excited that your ute is occupied.

You'd be really naive if you think some jealousy isn't going on. Sisters should be interested and excited when they have a niece or nephew on the way. I definitely think something else is going on and agree with @kittycat84. Her opinion isn't off base at all. I agree, her behavior had nothing to do with you, but something she's probably is struggling with personally.

Edited to add: there's nothing wrong by choosing to be childless, but if you are really comfortable in this choice, you should be able to celebrate when someone you love is having a baby. This is not just a friend- it's a sister.

---

You can be perfectly comfortable with being CFBC and not give two shits about someone's pregnancy. Are you serious? I LOVE pregnancy and babies. I don't care about a random stranger's pregnancy, and being blood-related does not automatically mean one is required to be excited about the pregnancy. I just don't understand how you can get that the woman is jealous. She just doesn't care and that is not allowed. There is no reason to "cut her out" of anyone's life just because she isn't jumping for joy over her distant relative's pregnancy. Do you hear yourselves?

Pregnancy is a special time for a core group of people: the grandparents, the parent-to-be and sometimes siblings. I have a twin brother that I am close to. He is not into pregnancy, babies or small children. He has never been over the moon for my pregnancies and I didn't expect him to be because he's allowed to feel his own feelings .

Celebrate with the people that are excited and love babies etc. Don't get your panties twisted over those that aren't giving you the attention you want. Its not reasonable. It comes off as being attention-whorish and self-centered. Seriously, just move on and stop trying to force a relationship on someone who has obviously chosen to absent themselves.

It doesn't make them a bad person. It means they have different priorities and different things going on in their lives. I am just sick of this "omg they must be jealous of me" if someone disagrees or doesn't react the way that someone thinks they should react. People are not out to please you with their emotions, reactions and lives. You are responsible for your feelings only and so its time to stop whining about how you didn't get what you wanted from anyone.

Again, it sounds like these sisters were never close and have years between them. It would be different if the OP had said they grew up together and were very close. It sounds like they haven't been in regular contact in years.

Also, all I hear is "me me me me! My needs!" from OP. Her sister has lost a great deal and had to move from a place she seems to love. What about her sister's feelings, needs and wants? Just because OP is pregnant does not mean the world has to bow at her feet and tell her how she is amazing/wonderful/they are so excited.

ChiccoBeanz

Ehhh, you can't really dictate how anyone should or should not feel when a big life change happens @inomniaparatus. Some people just aren't into kids and the whole 9. Yeah, she could be jealous, but she could also not be jealous at all. None of us know the woman. Also, OP is posting from her perspective. Doesn't mean that it's an accurate account of the situation either. She needs to talk to her sister to get to the bottom of this. Speculation and throwing out ideas like "oh she's just jealous" and so on, can cause OP some issues and even create an actual problem where one may not even exist. It's a communication issue. They should talk about it and try to figure it out, not speculate about how the other feels or why she is acting that way.

tooba22

OP sorry this is happening to you. I am in a similar situation with MIL and the only way I know how to explain is that it hurts and strikes a certain response in us because we love and care about these people and their opinion matters to us. For them to disregard our pregnancies or to not ask simply is to not care. Like others have said we can't make them care about it... We can't make them ask about how we feel... It's sad for me because when I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic to tell close family and friends, we got congratulations from everybody but then when we told MIL (step mom, married into DH family) she totally disregarded it, no congrats NOTHING. It got under my skin, after all she married into DH family and I've been with DH 8 years (been around long before her) we own our own home, financially stable, perfectly capable of having a family of our own and she acts like we are 16 and pregnant. I am not one to be vendictive but if I were she wouldn't even be laying eyes on my daughter once she's born. I truly hope things get better between you and your sister. Thanks for letting me vent.