New Here! Is anyone terrified of getting pregnant?

joy1021

My husband is anxious to have kids. We've only been married a year, I told him I wanted to wait at least a year after being married before we try. Well now that year's up, I'm thinking I might need another year, I'm so scared of having a baby! Is this normal? Am I just not ready? I'm 26, husband is 32.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed

I don't understand if you're terrified of actually being pregnant? Giving birth? Being a mother? Why? It's hard to understand and give insights when you haven't really given us much to go on.

If you're not ready, you need to talk to your husband. You should both be on the same page.

letyourheartbeyourguide

joy1021 said:

My husband is anxious to have kids. We've only been married a year, I told him I wanted to wait at least a year after being married before we try. Well now that year's up, I'm thinking I might need another year, I'm so scared of having a baby! Is this normal? Am I just not ready? I'm 26, husband is 32.

What @cherylann789 said. It's really important for you to sort out what's scaring you. Talking to your husband is key, and a therapist can be helpful as well. It's normal to be a bit afraid of the unknown, but you want to make sure you're totally ready before you start TTC. You're definitely both young enough that you can take some time to figure things out.

Everycol0r

It's not a prison sentence.

blackgirlmagic

I do not think that the women on this site are terrified to be pregnant, get pregnant or become a mom. I believe that we are all looking forward to become a mom and bringing out LO home! I think that you may need some more time to sort your feelings out with yourself and then express them to your husband. You are both young enough where waiting another year or two will not hurt you. Starting this journey is a life commitment and shouldn't be taken lightly.

indulgentgypsy

You should definitely talk with your husband. Very few women on the trying to get pregnant board are likely to be scared of it.

KyCat

If you don't feel you're ready, please talk to your DH about that. It IS a choice.

Also, I believe @onefootinthebayou was having a similar issue, if she's still around?

lm45678

I'm 27 and I can't wait for all of it, including nausea, giving birth & breastfeeding. I think I've been ready since I WAS a baby <:-P

I'm not saying that to sound like a total B- I'm saying this because as PP's have said, you have a choice! Take your time, enjoy your marriage, talk to your husband (or a therapist if needed), travel, focus on friends and work. Having a baby is a huge life change and you should be as ready as possible. Especially because at 26 you're in no way in a rush!

Everycol0r

This will totes make you feel better:

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12576547/postpartum-preparedness-ama-trigger-tmi-warnings#latest

YouHadMeAtMeatTornado

Everycol0r said:

This will totes make you feel better: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12576547/postpartum-preparedness-ama-trigger-tmi-warnings#latest

)

God @everycol0r, I have such a girl crush on you it's sick.

OP, don't have a baby FOR your husband. There's a chance you'll resent him for pressuring you into such a huge life change before you're ready, and that's the last thing you need having been married such a short time. Well, that and a baby you don't know you want.

Talk to your husband, and have safe sex until you two are on the same page.

Crowqueen03

As others have said I would suggest speaking to your husband and let him know you are still scared and not ready.It really is a big commitment for the rest of your life.

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12612120/dreading-pregnancy/p1

There was another as well but I couldn't find it.

PrimRoseMama

joy1021 said:

My husband is anxious to have kids. We've only been married a year, I told him I wanted to wait at least a year after being married before we try. Well now that year's up, I'm thinking I might need another year, I'm so scared of having a baby! Is this normal? Am I just not ready? I'm 26, husband is 32.

If you aren't ready to have a baby then don't TTC. Don't have a baby until you are on board. You are the person going through the pregnancy, labor and delivery etc. Your husband can want to have children until Doom's Day, but if you are scared and want more time then you should tell him.

I repeat: DO NOT TTC unless you are 100% on board. Please listen to me on that one.

vinerie

I can empathize. I think the unknown is scary-- and a baby is a whole lot of unknowns. Just go over to the trimester or parenting boards to see how much things change and how people are dealing with it. I think it's healthy to admit you are scared. There are plenty of "good" things in our lives that can still scare you.

lovearoo

I wouldn't say I'm terrified of getting pregnant. But birth worries me, especially hearing about my girlie parts ripping open and getting stitches!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!
Seriously though, everyone gave good advice, you don't need to rush anyway, you have plenty of time to figure out why you are so scared and to sort out your feelings.

WinchestertoPittsburgh

Vagina. The word is Vagina. 

yogahh

Everycol0r said:

This will totes make you feel better:

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12576547/postpartum-preparedness-ama-trigger-tmi-warnings#latest

She's going to be traumatized now!

xyzabqsmvb53

Some of us are back TTC another after having at least one already. It can't be all that bad if we're willingly signing up again.

That said, I knew I was emotionally ready a few years before DH and I were financially ready so I've been excited about TTC/pregnancy/motherhood for quite some time now. This may not be the experience of everyone, but I literally was walking home from work and it kind of dawned on me that I would be genuinely happy and excited to have a baby from that moment on. It was weirdly pinpointable when I became "ready".

If you know you are not ready then definitely do NOT have unprotected sex. Sort through your feelings, weigh pros and cons, do whatever you need to do to at least feel like it is the right decision. You may still be nervous about how things will go but you NEED to feel like you're OK with it anyway.

J&B0602

I am by no means "terrified to get pregnant " but there are some things I'm nervous about. Whether the house will be ready, how my body will react to pregnancy, the "what ifs" financially etc. But we are both wanting to be parents and feel like now is the time to start trying. We are both a little bit nervous about having a baby, but I think the excitement and over the moon feeling by far out ways the nerves.

If you feel like you are terrified to get pregnant you need to have a serious convo with your husband. You need to figure out what is terrifying you and what you need to do to get that under control. The timing might be right for your husband to have a baby roght now but it doesn't sound like the timing for you is right. You need to be on the same page.

Spylon

I agree with PPs. You really need to sort out your feelings on this one. There's plenty I'm worried/scared of too, but the excitement and desire to have a baby definitely outweighs all of that. It's good to have some worries; it means you realize just how life changing a baby is. However, as @PrimRoseMama put it, do not start trying if you're not 100% on board.

saladflambe

joy1021 said:

My husband is anxious to have kids. We've only been married a year, I told him I wanted to wait at least a year after being married before we try. Well now that year's up, I'm thinking I might need another year, I'm so scared of having a baby! Is this normal? Am I just not ready? I'm 26, husband is 32.

Forewarning: I haven't read other responses.

I was literally in almost this exact same position a year ago (except DH was 31 an I was 27). DH was ready to have kids immediately after marriage; I was not. I said we'd try in 1 year. That year came and went, and I was still not ready. Really...really not ready. I actually began intensive therapy shortly before that year mark. DH was still ready for kids, but because it's my body and my age that generally limit our timeline, he agreed we shouldn't do anything until we were BOTH ready.

10 months later, I am only now "ready," and I put that in quotes because some days, I don't feel ready. But, I did experience a huge shift when I made the decision to start trying. I made that decision because when I laid out the reasons I was scared, I realized that the only things now holding me back were fears that would always be there (fear of being a bad mom, fear of labor & delivery, fear of the unknown...). But, our marriage was on firm ground, our finances were secure, and our jobs are stable. So, I decided to try. But, there are still days when I'm not sure I'm ready. I think that is normal. I think all of this is normal.

If you're not ready, do not TTC. Plain and simple. Be ready before you start trying. Be as ready as you can be, and be confident in your decision. But, it's OK to be afraid, question that decision sometimes, etc. "Ready" doesn't have to mean "no questions." But ready should mean that nobody is pressuring you into this decision.

saladflambe

Everycol0r said:

This will totes make you feel better: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12576547/postpartum-preparedness-ama-trigger-tmi-warnings#latest

True story. When I was able to read THAT thread ^^ and not be scared away from this, I "knew" I was ready.

PrimRoseMama

WinchestertoPittsburgh said:

Vagina. The word is Vagina. 

Although technically-- my perineum tore, not my vagina. There are some unlucky ladies that have vaginal tearing too though. :o3

PrimRoseMama

@saladflambe : (((hugs))) World's Okayest Mom here. :-bd

My Tribe Mamas group on FB coined this term because there is huge pressure to be June Cleaver McPininterest in the Mommy World. Fuck it. The kids are happy, fed & the house is reasonably clean. Call it a win.

WinchestertoPittsburgh

PrimRoseMama said:

Vagina. The word is Vagina. 

Although technically-- my perineum tore, not my vagina. There are some unlucky ladies that have vaginal tearing too though. :o3

True. I just assumed vagina was better for the 'girlie parts' reference overall. However, 'girlie parts' could also be breasts, but damn if your breasts rip open during labor you've got some major issues going on  :-j

StarbucksShip

joy1021 said:

My husband is anxious to have kids. We've only been married a year, I told him I wanted to wait at least a year after being married before we try. Well now that year's up, I'm thinking I might need another year, I'm so scared of having a baby! Is this normal? Am I just not ready? I'm 26, husband is 32.

Here's a good thread for you and it's not anxiety inducing either. Some other women DO have this fear and it's okay. In a nutshell here's some recommendations from someone who is also afraid of pregnancy:

1. Get thee to a therapist.
2. Identify, with the therapist, what your fear specifically is. Mine was a fear of dying as a result of the pregnancy. I've known several women with difficult births and it left an impact. However, I knew I wanted to be a mom and that I didn't want to let a fear of a brief event keep me from trying it once.
3. Talk with your SO about your feelings. Discuss alternatives to your being pregnant now. You might find as you work through therapy that you still can't overcome the fear. Some people can afford surrogacy. Some are a-okay with adoption or fostering.
4. Collect positive birth stories. Yes, it's important to be informed about the messy aspects or the complications, but chances are you're already seeking that information out. Find the boring and safe stuff too.
5. Start reading books that help you "normalize" pregnancy. If your fear is from lack of exposure (no one talks about it, no education, etc) then this will help you understand why things happen the way they do. Avoid reading about complications until you and your therapist think it won't trigger you.
6. Identify resources in your community if you decide to try and become pregnant. Some people say "Naw, wait til I'm knocked up" but if you're experiencing anxiety then the best cure is more knowledge. Find out what classes offer techniques for labor, find out about local doulas and doctors, find out about the hospital's rates for procedures. Frankly, I can't imagine even trying without being informed about the community! It's like buying a home without inquiring about the school system.

I hope this helps, @joy1021!

RachelT1234

My husband was ready for a baby years ago, and I was terrified of everything baby related and was very direct with him that I was not ready. Now I'm ready (both 29) and although I'm really nervous about it, the word 'terrified' no longer describes my feelings toward pregnancy and having a baby. I can't speculate whether you are or are not ready, but you need to be honest about your feelings and to your husband. If you're truly not ready like I was, pleaaaase wait to TTC. It's now an exciting time (and stressful time but that's due to the TTC process) for us both now that we're on the same page.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed

PrimRoseMama said:

@saladflambe : (((hugs))) World's Okayest Mom here. :-bd My Tribe Mamas group on FB coined this term because there is huge pressure to be June Cleaver McPininterest in the Mommy World. Fuck it. The kids are happy, fed & the house is reasonably clean. Call it a win.

I love that...gonna start using it myself.

housewifehobbyist

My H has wanted kids a lot longer than I have.  I spent my late 20's getting comfortable with the idea, learning about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, and actively seeking out chances to be around other people's children.  All this made me MUCH more comfortable and now at 31 I WANT my own child and am EXCITED for it. 

It would not have been fair for H, for the child, or for myself to have a baby before I was ready and eager for one.

yogahh

Ha! I am terrified of NOT getting pregnant

lalalorelai

yogahh said:

Ha! I am terrified of NOT getting pregnant

I was going to say this... as recently as last year, I was terrified of getting pregnant. The thought of it made me kind of queasy and I couldn't listen to any birth stories or watch any depiction of labor on TV or in movies, no matter how diluted. I just couldn't. 

Now? I read that postpartum preparedness thread in its entirety and didn't puke, faint, or scream. Sure, it doesn't sound like a walk in the park, but I just started making a list of "Horrible things H will have to make up to me for one day". I'm much more terrified of not being able to get pregnant, or unfortunately losing a baby, than I ever was of pregnancy before. 

OP, your feelings are totally normal, but your H's pressure on you isn't. You two need to make the decision together. If you're not comfortable exploring the issue on your own, I would also recommend a therapist. 

MandyBeeSLP

I think I am mostly anxious about how much having kids will change life for my husband and I. I really want kids, and I want more than one so I want to get started. But, I will kinda miss being spontaneous and all the things that every parent I know warns me will change once I have kids. I had to overcome that in order to be ready. 

11chicago11

I think that some women who have replied I feel are way to critical. One women does not speak for all women on this blog and that is a good thing.

 I can relate to your post.  If you have never been pregnant or had a child, then yes the change can be scary.  How will my life change? This is a big step.  Just because you are apprehensive or nervous or scared or even terrified (it is all degrees of the same emotion) you still can have a child and be a good parent.  Only you and your husband can know if you are ready to have kids.  And what is that "ready to have kids", are you responsible, feel that it is a good time to start a family, are you worried about costs?  Only by talking it out with your husband will you know.  And that is all that is important that you both are committed to raising a child.

 We have decided we are ready for kids but that does not mean that people cannot be anxious or scared of the unknown (heck I know I am and I know many of women and men that are).  I think it is healthy and brave to admit how you feel.  I think too often women try to pretend that everything is perfect (they just know they will be a great parent and are so prepared) so that other will not judge them.  Constantly expressing how ready they are for kids and how hard they are trying to have them.  yes people can feel that way too but that does not invalidate a person with reservations.  I just want to say don't take the negative comments some have made to heart. 

Having a child is a big deal but remember approx. 370,000 babies are born a day.

11chicago11

Everycol0r

11chicago11 said:

Okay?

Everycol0r

11chicago11 said:

I think that some women who have replied I feel are way to critical. One women does not speak for all women on this blog and that is a good thing.

 I can relate to your post.  If you have never been pregnant or had a child, then yes the change can be scary.  How will my life change? This is a big step.  Just because you are apprehensive or nervous or scared or even terrified (it is all degrees of the same emotion) you still can have a child and be a good parent.  Only you and your husband can know if you are ready to have kids.  And what is that "ready to have kids", are you responsible, feel that it is a good time to start a family, are you worried about costs?  Only by talking it out with your husband will you know.  And that is all that is important that you both are committed to raising a child.

 We have decided we are ready for kids but that does not mean that people cannot be anxious or scared of the unknown (heck I know I am and I know many of women and men that are).  I think it is healthy and brave to admit how you feel.  I think too often women try to pretend that everything is perfect (they just know they will be a great parent and are so prepared) so that other will not judge them.  Constantly expressing how ready they are for kids and how hard they are trying to have them.  yes people can feel that way too but that does not invalidate a person with reservations.  I just want to say don't take the negative comments some have made to heart. 

Having a child is a big deal but remember approx. 370,000 babies are born a day.

If you're terrified of being pregnant, there's an underlying issue. Scared, apprehensive, anxious, reserved, hesitant = NORMAL. Terrified? Not so much. And no, as a word enthusiast not all words mean the same thing. I was certainly terrified of labor but that's 1 aspect of pregnancy, I wasn't terrified of being "pregnant".

So I'll continue being critical. Thanks.

Lulucooks

11chicago11 said:

I don't think you understand how to use a gif

Everycol0r

letyourheartbeyourguide

11chicago11 said:

I think that some women who have replied I feel are way to critical. One women does not speak for all women on this blog and that is a good thing.

I just reread this thread. I officially have no idea what you're taking about.

11chicago11

It was sarcasm....Lulucooks  Everycol0r   I just choose not to buy into your mean girls club. 

Lulucooks

11chicago11 said:

It was sarcasm....Lulucooks  Everycol0r   I just choose not to buy into your mean girls club. 

Oh bless your heart.

No mean girls club here. We are all wonderfully supportive.

PrimRoseMama

11chicago11 said:

I think that some women who have replied I feel are way to critical. One women does not speak for all women on this blog and that is a good thing.

 I can relate to your post.  If you have never been pregnant or had a child, then yes the change can be scary.  How will my life change? This is a big step.  Just because you are apprehensive or nervous or scared or even terrified (it is all degrees of the same emotion) you still can have a child and be a good parent.  Only you and your husband can know if you are ready to have kids.  And what is that "ready to have kids", are you responsible, feel that it is a good time to start a family, are you worried about costs?  Only by talking it out with your husband will you know.  And that is all that is important that you both are committed to raising a child.

 We have decided we are ready for kids but that does not mean that people cannot be anxious or scared of the unknown (heck I know I am and I know many of women and men that are).  I think it is healthy and brave to admit how you feel.  I think too often women try to pretend that everything is perfect (they just know they will be a great parent and are so prepared) so that other will not judge them.  Constantly expressing how ready they are for kids and how hard they are trying to have them.  yes people can feel that way too but that does not invalidate a person with reservations.  I just want to say don't take the negative comments some have made to heart. 

Having a child is a big deal but remember approx. 370,000 babies are born a day.

1) This is not a blog
2.) No one said OP would be a bad parent if she TTC'd before she was ready.
3.) Listening to one's hesitation is key & understanding one's limits can prevent future suffering.

It is not fair to anyone for her to try for a baby if she doesn't feel ready.

Please stop giving vulnerable people bad advice. :-w