Dreading Pregnancy

onefootinthebayou

Hi Everyone,

I'm pretty new & haven't lurked much just yet but I'm not sure I will. I'm married & we are TTC. Although I genuinely want a baby with DH, since a very early age I have been horrified at the idea of pregnancy - almost to an extent that I don't think is normal. I remember my 3rd grade teacher being pregnant and I refused to even utter the word. I just refered to her as "with child". As a 3rd grader. I get that that is weird. My mother, aunt, SIL, have all told me that when I am with someone I truly love, the pregnancy will be beautiful, I'll glow, blah blah blah. I don't buy it, am not looking forward to it, and am terrified of the prospect. If I could engineer a way to grow a child from the earth, I would. I really do want a baby with DH, I just don't want to have it.

I have a strong background in science & work in the life sciences industry, yet reproductive science turns me off. I was never interested in it. When we decided to do this, I ordered the BBT thermometer, used it about 6 times and threw it out b/c I was tired of doing that every day & I don't even think it was accurate. I downloaded Ferrility Friend and I hate that app as well. I couldn't be less interested in all of the data, charting, temp-taking, etc.

I know I'm not alone as I have other girlfriends who hate the idea of being pregnant. The only difference is, they don't have to do it right now and I do.

There must be other women out there who feel this way. Are any of you dreading this process? If so, how are you dealing with it?

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm sorry my first post is so negative, I just feel very discouraged b/c I'm worried that my fear of becoming pregnant will impede our chances and I can feel myself blowing off the things I should be learning and doing for more important & more interesting things like work.

Linsbins

Welcome. You don't HAVE to do it, you know. This reminds me of an episode from Rosie Pope's Pregnant in Heels show. There was a lady terrified of giving birth. I don't want to go through all the terrible parts, and I'm terrified of the things said in the postpartum awareness thread (search it in the search bar on this board). But I want a baby more than I'm scared of those things potentially happening. If you're truly scared, therapy might help give you some strategies to deal with this.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed

Echoing @Linsbins. You don't HAVE to do it. The fact that you feel like it's an obligation seems kind of like a red flag, along with the fact that you're so averse to being pregnant. You have to decide that the ends outweigh the means and 40 weeks of pregnancy are worth it for years of parenthood. If you can't, it might be a good idea to step back until it is.

I don't really understand why you don't want to be pregnant from your post but maybe you should explore other options like fostering, adoption or a surrogate if you just can't bring yourself to be pregnant.

letyourheartbeyourguide

onefootinthebayou said:

Hi Everyone,

I'm pretty new & haven't lurked much just yet but I'm not sure I will. I'm married & we are TTC. Although I genuinely want a baby with DH, since a very early age I have been horrified at the idea of pregnancy - almost to an extent that I don't think is normal. I remember my 3rd grade teacher being pregnant and I refused to even utter the word. I just refered to her as "with child". As a 3rd grader. I get that that is weird. My mother, aunt, SIL, have all told me that when I am with someone I truly love, the pregnancy will be beautiful, I'll glow, blah blah blah. I don't buy it, am not looking forward to it, and am terrified of the prospect. If I could engineer a way to grow a child from the earth, I would. I really do want a baby with DH, I just don't want to have it.

I have a strong background in science & work in the life sciences industry, yet reproductive science turns me off. I was never interested in it. When we decided to do this, I ordered the BBT thermometer, used it about 6 times and threw it out b/c I was tired of doing that every day & I don't even think it was accurate. I downloaded Ferrility Friend and I hate that app as well. I couldn't be less interested in all of the data, charting, temp-taking, etc.

I know I'm not alone as I have other girlfriends who hate the idea of being pregnant. The only difference is, they don't have to do it right now and I do.

There must be other women out there who feel this way. Are any of you dreading this process? If so, how are you dealing with it?

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm sorry my first post is so negative, I just feel very discouraged b/c I'm worried that my fear of becoming pregnant will impede our chances and I can feel myself blowing off the things I should be learning and doing for more important & more interesting things like work.

Hi. I'm not sure why you'd start off saying you're not interested in lurking more on this board. There is a huge amount of information here - it's not just about the sciencey stuff but also about the emotional side of things. There was a somewhat recent thread about fear of being pregnant, so if you search for that you might find things to relate to.

In general, though, this is cart before the horse - you're stressing about something that hasn't even happened yet. I'd suggest trying to sort through what exactly you're scared about - is it physical discomfort or pain? changes to your body? lack of control? Narrowing in on what specifically concerns you might give you an avenue to resolve it.

Finally, if you ultimately feel utterly opposed to pregnancy, remember that there are other ways to make a family (like adoption).

txjrog

I have some similar feelings, although I'm not sure I would use the word dreading to describe them. I'm extremely nervous about getting pregnant as well, however I realize it will be worth it when I have a baby in the end (if it wasn't worth it, there would be a whole lot more families with only one child). Women are made for this and do it every day. 

I think as long as you're not dreading the actual act of becoming a parent and all of the life changes that comes with it then the getting pregnant part will just be a short chapter in your story. 

My life mantra is "I can do anything for a year" so I just changed it to "I can do anything for 9 months"; you might be miserable for 9 months (or you might not, you never know) but you'll have a child for the rest of your life after that. Seems worth it to me.

As far as temping goes, I would suggest getting that BBT back out of your trash and starting it again. You may not like the information now but you'll want it when you start questioning your O date and wondering when AF will show up. Think about it. 

onefootinthebayou

Thanks everyone. This is actually really helpful. I'm going to bed now but will respond with more detail tomorrow.

I didn't want to lurk b/c I just really hate reading about pregnancy. I realize this is a dumb statement to make on a pregnancy forum but it's part of what's shaping these feelings right now so I thought I'd start off by sharing them.

I suspect I fall somewhere in between needing therapy and being able to suck it up for 9 months but very much looking forward to parenting.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, this really is helpful. I'm tired of being shut down by friends & family who just mindlessly respond, "oh, it will be different when it's your turn". Well, it is my turn and I feel exactly the same way I did when I was in third grade, which is "gross". Hopefully with the help of these boards and you wise ladies, I'll be able to graduate from third grade without the help of a PhD or sedatives! <--joking.

Thanks again.

Linsbins

Just FYI, this is a trying to get pregnant board so it's not all bellies all the time. Looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow- don't write off therapy, even one session could just give you a lifeline to get through it.

BornMama

I felt like that several years ago before we were ready to start trying.

My DH was ready for kids, and I wanted to want it too, but I was too scared of the physical aspects of being preg and labor too. Now I'm like bring it on!!!!


I think when you know that you're ready, you'll feel it. There's no harm in waiting.

If you're feeling outside pressure to do it now, ignore them. If your DH is pressuring you, talk to him frankly about how you feel and he will likely get it. Good luck.

xyzabqsmvb53

You don't have to do this. If you don't want to get pregnant, don't TTC. You absolutely have the right to make that call for your own body and then you should discuss that decision thoroughly with YH.

I echo the recommendation to get an appointment with a therapist and talk this through before you go further. I think you are correct that your concerns will not "magically" go away when it is your turn as your friends suggest. It would definitely help as PP suggested to pinpoint the specific aspects that disturb you so that you can find a way to cope with those and hopefully find a way to enjoy the other parts.

Does your DH know about your concerns as well? Does he support you? He might be able to help you get through any rough parts but he'll need to know exactly what is going on. 

cjt121413

Did something happen to you to trigger your concerns about being pregnant? I think everyone has fears about pregnancy, but you use words like "horrified" and "gross," which sounds almost more like you have a phobia.

I agree with what PPs said. You don't have to get pregnant right now. Part of the reason you're so turned off by pg is you aren't ready. And that's okay!!! Therapy might be helpful, too.

GL to you, and welcome.

lest12

I'm sorry, you lost me when you called pregnancy "gross".

WinchestertoPittsburgh

There are plenty of children who need a foster parent and who also need adopted. If pregnancy grosses you out that much, even after going through therapy, that's a route you could look into. I have family members who have now adopted their fourth child from foster care and it has saved those children's lives. 

roadspeckle

I'm with @lest12 ... Pregnancy is a beautiful thing in so many ways. I think every woman is nervous and scared of the "unknown" as every pregnancy and labor experience is their own... To label something as "gross" sounds as though you're not ready and therapy would benefit you.

PugsandKisses

I really think you need therapy and I say that from love. Pregnancy is gross, your seriously afraid of it, you are so bothered by it that you could not bring your self to say the word 'pregnant ' as a child.

Fear of the unknown is normal. Being worried about labor. Normal. Fear of some of the complications, normal.

Fear of a natural process to the point that you go out of your way to pretend it does not exist. Not normal. Not healthy.

patriciahomol

I'm just confused at what part you find gross. Maybe if you pinpoint that it will help. But honestly there is nothing "gross" about it. It's beautiful and amazing. 

With that maybe you didn't really mean gross but it's just fear of pregnancy itself which I think is pretty common.

WinchestertoPittsburgh

PBorgstede91 said:

I'm just confused at what part you find gross. Maybe if you pinpoint that it will help. But honestly there is nothing "gross" about it. It's beautiful and amazing. 

With that maybe you didn't really mean gross but it's just fear of pregnancy itself which I think is pretty common.

Not true. Pregnancy is pretty 'gross', but that word has negative connotation to it, hence why I think some people are off-put by the way it was phrased. Pregnancy is not puppies and rainbows... it's bloating, and being uncomfortable, and having bodily functions happen when you least expect them, etc. BUT, women who want to have children will overlook all of that because it's a small drop in the bucket compared to the gift that it gives to you. 

MamaBish

I actually felt this way a little bit, not to the extreme that you are saying, but I did not want to be pregnant. Even when I was pregnant, I hated it. It was uncomfortable and I did not enjoy being sick all the time. 

My story is a bit of a downer but here it is in a nutshell: I lost her when I was 28 weeks pregnant. I carried her for 6/7 months and I had to give birth anyway and it was all for basically nothing. I got to hold her briefly, and got a couple photos, but that's it. My whole experience was awful.

I don't say this to scare you, but to show you that even though I hated pregnancy, and even though I went through this traumatic experience, here I am. TTC for another child. Even after all that, I know it will be worth it because even though I only got to hold her for a short time, and even though it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to, it was amazing to see her. To see this adorable little thing that we created. 

I want that feeling of awe again. And I will go through hell to get it.

I go to therapy to deal with my loss and I will go to therapy to deal with pregnancy fears if and when I get pg again as my fears this time will be way worse than the first time. I commend you for being honest about this, too many people like to pretend that pregnancy is all puppies and rainbows. It's ok to be afraid.

skiingstark

So I get where you are coming from, I am scared to get pregnant, specifically I am scared of labor!
I grew up hearing the story of how I came into the world and it was scary. So mom had me in the army at Walter Reed Army Hospital back in the 80s where they made a lot of mistakes and had a lot if issues. Lets just say it scared me enough to always have safe sex.
But now that I am older I want a baby more than I am scared of labor, so I am just going to have to suck it up and do what I can to mitigate the scary parts for me. So for example knowing I will not even try to go natural and not to feel pressured or guilty about that decision.

So figure out what makes it scary for you and see if you can do anything to make it a bit better.

letyourheartbeyourguide

WinchestertoPittsburgh said:

PBorgstede91 said:

I'm just confused at what part you find gross. Maybe if you pinpoint that it will help. But honestly there is nothing "gross" about it. It's beautiful and amazing. 

With that maybe you didn't really mean gross but it's just fear of pregnancy itself which I think is pretty common.

Not true. Pregnancy is pretty 'gross', but that word has negative connotation to it, hence why I think some people are off-put by the way it was phrased. Pregnancy is not puppies and rainbows... it's bloating, and being uncomfortable, and having bodily functions happen when you least expect them, etc. BUT, women who want to have children will overlook all of that because it's a small drop in the bucket compared to the gift that it gives to you. 

-------------quote boxes---------------
This. Pregnancy is amazing and fascinating, but I'm not exactly looking forward to all the various things I read about in the post-partum preparedness thread (!!!) either. However, like others said, I'm willing to engage that process to have a baby.

OP: Like PPs said, you don't have to have a baby - not now, not ever. Based on your description and language, it does seem like you have a phobia of pregnancy (beyond the "normal" childbirth sounds scary stuff). This may be something you want to and are able to work through with a therapist. I would definitely stop TTC in the meantime.

nlwz123

onefootinthebayou said:

Hi Everyone, I'm pretty new & haven't lurked much just yet but I'm not sure I will. I'm married & we are TTC. Although I genuinely want a baby with DH, since a very early age I have been horrified at the idea of pregnancy - almost to an extent that I don't think is normal. I remember my 3rd grade teacher being pregnant and I refused to even utter the word. I just refered to her as "with child". As a 3rd grader. I get that that is weird. My mother, aunt, SIL, have all told me that when I am with someone I truly love, the pregnancy will be beautiful, I'll glow, blah blah blah. I don't buy it, am not looking forward to it, and am terrified of the prospect. If I could engineer a way to grow a child from the earth, I would. I really do want a baby with DH, I just don't want to have it. I have a strong background in science & work in the life sciences industry, yet reproductive science turns me off. I was never interested in it. When we decided to do this, I ordered the BBT thermometer, used it about 6 times and threw it out b/c I was tired of doing that every day & I don't even think it was accurate. I downloaded Ferrility Friend and I hate that app as well. I couldn't be less interested in all of the data, charting, temp-taking, etc. I know I'm not alone as I have other girlfriends who hate the idea of being pregnant. The only difference is, they don't have to do it right now and I do. There must be other women out there who feel this way. Are any of you dreading this process? If so, how are you dealing with it? Thanks for your thoughts. I'm sorry my first post is so negative, I just feel very discouraged b/c I'm worried that my fear of becoming pregnant will impede our chances and I can feel myself blowing off the things I should be learning and doing for more important & more interesting things like work.

BFP mentioned**

Look, you don't have to get pregnant to become a mother.  You can adopt.  

Perhaps you aren't ready to have a child.  Perhaps you never will be--the truth is, some people never will be.  The last sentence really bothered me...the idea that you'd be blowing off the things that are "more important."  I feel like once you really are ready to have a child, that WILL be the most important thing to you.  Don't get me wrong, I have a full-time job that I take very seriously, so it's not like I don't have other priorities/responsibilities.  

Just an fyi, granted, I'm a FTM and only 16 weeks along, this whole pregnancy thing hasn't been a huge deal so far....

onefootinthebayou

letyourheartbeyourguide said:

Hi Everyone, I'm pretty new & haven't lurked much just yet but I'm not sure I will. I'm married & we are TTC. Although I genuinely want a baby with DH, since a very early age I have been horrified at the idea of pregnancy - almost to an extent that I don't think is normal. I remember my 3rd grade teacher being pregnant and I refused to even utter the word. I just refered to her as "with child". As a 3rd grader. I get that that is weird. My mother, aunt, SIL, have all told me that when I am with someone I truly love, the pregnancy will be beautiful, I'll glow, blah blah blah. I don't buy it, am not looking forward to it, and am terrified of the prospect. If I could engineer a way to grow a child from the earth, I would. I really do want a baby with DH, I just don't want to have it. I have a strong background in science & work in the life sciences industry, yet reproductive science turns me off. I was never interested in it. When we decided to do this, I ordered the BBT thermometer, used it about 6 times and threw it out b/c I was tired of doing that every day & I don't even think it was accurate. I downloaded Ferrility Friend and I hate that app as well. I couldn't be less interested in all of the data, charting, temp-taking, etc. I know I'm not alone as I have other girlfriends who hate the idea of being pregnant. The only difference is, they don't have to do it right now and I do. There must be other women out there who feel this way. Are any of you dreading this process? If so, how are you dealing with it? Thanks for your thoughts. I'm sorry my first post is so negative, I just feel very discouraged b/c I'm worried that my fear of becoming pregnant will impede our chances and I can feel myself blowing off the things I should be learning and doing for more important & more interesting things like work.

Hi. I'm not sure why you'd start off saying you're not interested in lurking more on this board. There is a huge amount of information here - it's not just about the sciencey stuff but also about the emotional side of things. There was a somewhat recent thread about fear of being pregnant, so if you search for that you might find things to relate to. In general, though, this is cart before the horse - you're stressing about something that hasn't even happened yet. I'd suggest trying to sort through what exactly you're scared about - is it physical discomfort or pain? changes to your body? lack of control? Narrowing in on what specifically concerns you might give you an avenue to resolve it. Finally, if you ultimately feel utterly opposed to pregnancy, remember that there are other ways to make a family (like adoption).

This is a really good observation.  I'm not typically a drama llama so you're right - having such negative feelings about something that hasn't happened yet is a waste of emotional energy and time.  Thanks for that, sometimes a small perspective shift is very helpful.

onefootinthebayou

MamaBish said:

I actually felt this way a little bit, not to the extreme that you are saying, but I did not want to be pregnant. Even when I was pregnant, I hated it. It was uncomfortable and I did not enjoy being sick all the time. 

My story is a bit of a downer but here it is in a nutshell: I lost her when I was 28 weeks pregnant. I carried her for 6/7 months and I had to give birth anyway and it was all for basically nothing. I got to hold her briefly, and got a couple photos, but that's it. My whole experience was awful.

I don't say this to scare you, but to show you that even though I hated pregnancy, and even though I went through this traumatic experience, here I am. TTC for another child. Even after all that, I know it will be worth it because even though I only got to hold her for a short time, and even though it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to, it was amazing to see her. To see this adorable little thing that we created. 

I want that feeling of awe again. And I will go through hell to get it.

I go to therapy to deal with my loss and I will go to therapy to deal with pregnancy fears if and when I get pg again as my fears this time will be way worse than the first time. I commend you for being honest about this, too many people like to pretend that pregnancy is all puppies and rainbows. It's ok to be afraid.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm really moved that you would share that painful story with a total stranger who asked for thoughts on fear of pregnancy.  You are very generous to share what you went through, and the tools you are using to stay healthy and try again.  I am hoping for the best outcome possible for you.  Thank you, your kind of strength, honesty, and candor are a real inspiration.    

onefootinthebayou

ALittleCountry said:

Hello and welcome, I think you got some great answers. I'll just echo what people said about suggesting therapy and it seems you are open to it. I don't mean this in an offensive way, but I am in this field and it comes from a professional standpoint. The way you describe your reluctance and fears around pregnancy seems outside of the norm (I hate the word "normal" for the record, but for lack of a better term, there it is). I think that therapy would be really beneficial to you and as a matter of fact, to get pregnant without some sort of therapy or understanding about the fear may be more traumatic for you in the long run. You could essentially "push through it," but it could be a terrible experience if you don't get some help ahead of time. I hope this helps and that you will look into it. Good luck!

This does help, thank you.  I appreciate the thoughts of someone in the field - I'm in the life sciences/biotech field myself so although the science is not a challenge to me, it's just not something I've ever wanted to do.  I realize I'm being a little unreasonable, being so terrified of something that hasn't even happened yet, as a PP pointed out.  Fortunately, my DH is extremely supportive and when I shared my feelings with him he immediately accepted that we may just not have children at all.  In the long run, that's not what either of us want (although I always knew I'd be happy if I never had kids) but I do adore children and tend to be very good with them (or so I'm told).  

I had a severe physical trauma 2 and a half years ago (crushed vertebrate and a major spinal surgery) and I wish I could say that was a trigger for this fear of more body trauma but as I mentioned in my OP, I've always been turned off by pregnancy, to a point that I don't think is "the norm".  Who knows, maybe I am afraid of another trauma after what I went through with the accident.  I'm healthy and strong now, running, hiking, skiing, cycling, and maybe I'm reluctant to go back to a "compromised state".  I definitely am open to therapy and will consider it.  I'm just extremely busy, I travel weekly for work and internationally monthly so my health care often takes a back seat to my hectic work life.  

In any case, I really appreciate your comment & perspective, thank you. 

WinchestertoPittsburgh

With the general population having such a busy and hectic schedule, counseling has really began to evolve in order to fit the lifestyles. Many counselors will offer to see you in their office once per month and then do a phone session on the off weeks. They even have weekend and evening hours as well. Also, with the history of trauma, definitely look into a certified trauma focused therapist with specialties in family counseling... if this is something you'd like to do, obviously. It's a personal choice to go into therapy but just wanted to help ease some of the uneasiness that comes with making that kind of commitment  

lm45678

onefootinthebayou said:

MamaBish said:

I actually felt this way a little bit, not to the extreme that you are saying, but I did not want to be pregnant. Even when I was pregnant, I hated it. It was uncomfortable and I did not enjoy being sick all the time. 

My story is a bit of a downer but here it is in a nutshell: I lost her when I was 28 weeks pregnant. I carried her for 6/7 months and I had to give birth anyway and it was all for basically nothing. I got to hold her briefly, and got a couple photos, but that's it. My whole experience was awful.

I don't say this to scare you, but to show you that even though I hated pregnancy, and even though I went through this traumatic experience, here I am. TTC for another child. Even after all that, I know it will be worth it because even though I only got to hold her for a short time, and even though it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to, it was amazing to see her. To see this adorable little thing that we created. 

I want that feeling of awe again. And I will go through hell to get it.

I go to therapy to deal with my loss and I will go to therapy to deal with pregnancy fears if and when I get pg again as my fears this time will be way worse than the first time. I commend you for being honest about this, too many people like to pretend that pregnancy is all puppies and rainbows. It's ok to be afraid.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm really moved that you would share that painful story with a total stranger who asked for thoughts on fear of pregnancy.  You are very generous to share what you went through, and the tools you are using to stay healthy and try again.  I am hoping for the best outcome possible for you.  Thank you, your kind of strength, honesty, and candor are a real inspiration.    

I totally second that @MamaBish ... That was so beautifully put and touching. I am so sorry for your loss but you are doing everything right and I wish you a BFP along with a H&H 9 months in the very near future!

onefootinthebayou

WinchestertoPittsburgh said:

With the general population having such a busy and hectic schedule, counseling has really began to evolve in order to fit the lifestyles. Many counselors will offer to see you in their office once per month and then do a phone session on the off weeks. They even have weekend and evening hours as well. Also, with the history of trauma, definitely look into a certified trauma focused therapist with specialties in family counseling... if this is something you'd like to do, obviously. It's a personal choice to go into therapy but just wanted to help ease some of the uneasiness that comes with making that kind of commitment  

Great advice.  I actually did have a couple of sessions for the trauma after the accident and they were helpful, which is why I'm totally open to it for this endeavor.  Thank you.  Appreciate your statement that it's a personal choice.  I always side-eye the "you need therapy!" response.  It's one thing to suggest it, it's another thing to dictate it.  Great comment, thank you.  

lm45678

@onefootinthebayou I agree with what most PP's have said... I totally get that pregnancy is tough and so is delivery, but it seems that your aversion is much deeper than that.

I really think you should look into therapy to help figure out what the issue is. Please don't think I am saying this in a negative way- I believe everyone should go to therapy at some point in their lives. Just to have someone to listen to you and help sort out your own feelings.

I also think that adoption, surrogacy and fostering are great alternatives. However, you do keep saying how busy you are so I would evaluate that before you decide to bring a very needy newborn into your life!

I hope this helps, and I wish you the best on your journey- no matter what outcome you decide.

onefootinthebayou

PugsandKisses said:

I really think you need therapy and I say that from love. Pregnancy is gross, your seriously afraid of it, you are so bothered by it that you could not bring your self to say the word 'pregnant ' as a child. Fear of the unknown is normal. Being worried about labor. Normal. Fear of some of the complications, normal. Fear of a natural process to the point that you go out of your way to pretend it does not exist. Not normal. Not healthy.

Yeah, I was 8 then. 

kmd0501

@onefootinthebayou I can share your feelings. I love pregnant women and I think it's beautiful to become a mom...but the process is gross and unnatural (but what could possibly be more natural than birth?!). The big belly is adorable but once the baby starts moving and flipping, that's when I am freaked out. I'm definitely not reaching to touch any preggo bellies here. I am a nurse and think with a scientific brain as well....I'm a pediatric nurse for crying out loud! But people ALWAYS give me weird looks when I tell them I am freaked out by the thought of another human growing inside me. I was also an EMT before going to nursing school and have successfully deliver half of a baby (I say half because once she started crowning, I remember this feeling of blood draining from my face and I hit the floor). Needless to say, I have no interest in video/photo/mirrors in the delivery room. I've talked openly about it at work and was very reassured that it's just something you need to experience first hand to understand. I am so excited at the thought of becoming a mom and living out this experience so fingers crossed my weird ideas fade away quickly.

PugsandKisses

onefootinthebayou said:

PugsandKisses said:

I really think you need therapy and I say that from love. Pregnancy is gross, your seriously afraid of it, you are so bothered by it that you could not bring your self to say the word 'pregnant ' as a child.

Fear of the unknown is normal. Being worried about labor. Normal. Fear of some of the complications, normal.

Fear of a natural process to the point that you go out of your way to pretend it does not exist. Not normal. Not healthy.

Yeah, I was 8 then. 

The point is that your fear started at 8 and still exists today. You are going out of your way to avoid pregnancy and a pregnant belly.

dande2129

Edited because I am crabby.

onefootinthebayou

kmd0501 said:

@onefootinthebayou I can share your feelings. I love pregnant women and I think it's beautiful to become a mom...but the process is gross and unnatural (but what could possibly be more natural than birth?!). The big belly is adorable but once the baby starts moving and flipping, that's when I am freaked out. I'm definitely not reaching to touch any preggo bellies here. I am a nurse and think with a scientific brain as well....I'm a pediatric nurse for crying out loud! But people ALWAYS give me weird looks when I tell them I am freaked out by the thought of another human growing inside me. I was also an EMT before going to nursing school and have successfully deliver half of a baby (I say half because once she started crowning, I remember this feeling of blood draining from my face and I hit the floor). Needless to say, I have no interest in video/photo/mirrors in the delivery room. I've talked openly about it at work and was very reassured that it's just something you need to experience first hand to understand. I am so excited at the thought of becoming a mom and living out this experience so fingers crossed my weird ideas fade away quickly.

Love your honesty!  I know - my friends have often offered to let me feel their babies kick and I'm usually, "no thank you, you enjoy".  It's nice to hear from someone with practical experience that these feelings, although they may not be mainstream, are not completely out of the ordinary.  I tend to do better with more information but I think I bit off a little more than I could chew with FF, and all of the information that was coming at me at once. I just wanted to ignore it all and not deal with it.  This has been a helpful exercise.  Little bits of information at a time are helpful.  Thanks for that!

lalalorelai

I kind of get where you're coming from. Pregnancy used to freak me out in a major way. The thought of something growing inside of me would make me queasy. I couldn't watch movies or TV where they depicted labor, even if they didn't show anything "gross". But somewhere in the last few years or so that started to change. I want to carry a child, give birth, and raise a little person with my husband. I am still terrified at the whole process (you should have seen my face while reading the "postpartum preparedness" thread) but I want to go through it all. 

Some of your phrasing in your OP doesn't sit right with me. You say that your friends aren't the ones who have to go through it now, you are--why do you say that? No one has to get pregnant, and you definitely don't have to do it now. Why do you feel like you have to be pregnant? 

onefootinthebayou

lalalorelai said:

I kind of get where you're coming from. Pregnancy used to freak me out in a major way. The thought of something growing inside of me would make me queasy. I couldn't watch movies or TV where they depicted labor, even if they didn't show anything "gross". But somewhere in the last few years or so that started to change. I want to carry a child, give birth, and raise a little person with my husband. I am still terrified at the whole process (you should have seen my face while reading the "postpartum preparedness" thread) but I want to go through it all. 

Some of your phrasing in your OP doesn't sit right with me. You say that your friends aren't the ones who have to go through it now, you are--why do you say that? No one has to get pregnant, and you definitely don't have to do it now. Why do you feel like you have to be pregnant? 

Yeah, it's not always easy to get everything across in a forum post.  I want to have a child with DH, so I do have to get pregnant.  I am not interested in adopting at this time and hiring a surrogate b/c I have a somewhat unreasonable or even childish fear of pregnancy seems extreme.  I am looking forward to being a mother, I love children, I'm just dreading the process to get there.  I would never have had children for the sake of having them - I actually want a child with this person and I never thought I would have to go through this.  Just getting used to the idea and not really looking forward to it.    

onefootinthebayou

PugsandKisses said:

PugsandKisses said:

I really think you need therapy and I say that from love. Pregnancy is gross, your seriously afraid of it, you are so bothered by it that you could not bring your self to say the word 'pregnant ' as a child. Fear of the unknown is normal. Being worried about labor. Normal. Fear of some of the complications, normal. Fear of a natural process to the point that you go out of your way to pretend it does not exist. Not normal. Not healthy.

Yeah, I was 8 then. 

The point is that your fear started at 8 and still exists today. You are going out of your way to avoid pregnancy and a pregnant belly.

Where did I say this?  We are actively TTC, so no, I'm not avoiding pregnancy.  If I were to do that, I would just go back on BC, easy as that.  

StarbucksShip

I had a severe anxiety about being pregnant and in a sense, still do. I could pinpoint my fear to the extremes though- maternal death, hemorrhaging, etc. It didn't help that I knew several women who nearly lost their lives giving birth. Like you I viewed pregnancy as gross and alien. It's not the pain of labor, it's the parasitic qualities that make me uncomfortable. Or how your life changes socially and economically. Even if I KNEW what birth was like I still thought of the Space Balls scene where something pops out of a stomach and starts dancing. For a while I couldn't read even brief summaries of the day to day without a general feeling of terror.

We put off TTC for the better part of a year because the anxiety was so extreme. My husband wanted to give a biological child a chance so I agreed to try therapy. If it didn't work out, that was okay, he was open to adopting.

About a half year later I feel more open to giving pregnancy a shot. Honestly, I still have a sense of "wtf" about the whole thing. What worked for me was talking to a woman therapist who specialized in aging and life changes. She was receptive to my concerns about pregnancy and motherhood (I always resented that a woman seems to become secondary to a fetus) and was great at prompting me to vocalize things I wouldn't normally share. After I started to feel comfortable talking to her I grabbed some books about birthing. I started with animal husbandry and worked my way to Childbirth Without Fear and Spiritual Midwifery. Then I started "collecting" birth stories.

If you don't have time for therapy then I'd recommend journaling first. You aren't interested in reading about pregnancy, but maybe some journaling about it will help you to a place where you can find books to read.

StarbucksShip

Oh, and I don't think that having this fear or even distaste for pregnancy automatically disqualifies someone from being a biological mother. It's just going to create a strain on your health and perhaps some relationships. More than anything that's why I hope you give therapy, journaling, and learning more about pregnancy a shot. It'll make any childbearing easier for you.

onefootinthebayou

StarbucksShip said:

I had a severe anxiety about being pregnant and in a sense, still do. I could pinpoint my fear to the extremes though- maternal death, hemorrhaging, etc. It didn't help that I knew several women who nearly lost their lives giving birth. Like you I viewed pregnancy as gross and alien. It's not the pain of labor, it's the parasitic qualities that make me uncomfortable. Or how your life changes socially and economically. Even if I KNEW what birth was like I still thought of the Space Balls scene where something pops out of a stomach and starts dancing. For a while I couldn't read even brief summaries of the day to day without a general feeling of terror.

We put off TTC for the better part of a year because the anxiety was so extreme. My husband wanted to give a biological child a chance so I agreed to try therapy. If it didn't work out, that was okay, he was open to adopting.

About a half year later I feel more open to giving pregnancy a shot. Honestly, I still have a sense of "wtf" about the whole thing. What worked for me was talking to a woman therapist who specialized in aging and life changes. She was receptive to my concerns about pregnancy and motherhood (I always resented that a woman seems to become secondary to a fetus) and was great at prompting me to vocalize things I wouldn't normally share. After I started to feel comfortable talking to her I grabbed some books about birthing. I started with animal husbandry and worked my way to Childbirth Without Fear and Spiritual Midwifery. Then I started "collecting" birth stories.

If you don't have time for therapy then I'd recommend journaling first. You aren't interested in reading about pregnancy, but maybe some journaling about it will help you to a place where you can find books to read.

Thank you for this!  I feel like I just went through a therapy session.  I really appreciate you taking the time to share those comments.  You have a very funny way to give advice on a serious topic.  I hope you're in a field where people benefit from your candor and delivery.  And the Space Balls part?  /dead.  My best friend lives on a dairy farm.  She's offered to let me witness a calf delivery.  TBH, I'm not sure if it will be helpful or traumatic!  I am looking forward to feeding the little one though  I like the idea of journaling, too.  I think of the forums as a type of that, in a way, only with lots more feedback.  

Katm89

I used to be afraid of pregnancy and still am a bit, but I agreed to try it once and prove to myself I can do it. I also want my DH and I to experience it. Learning more about birth and pregnancy helped a lot. Have you ever thought about adoption or surrogacy? My DH and I plan on adopting our 2nd and 3rd if I become traumatized with our first baby lol, but honestly I am more excited than afraid at this point.

MNturnsVA

I would say that you should seriously evaluate whether or not you want kids, regardless of how they come into your life.

In one of your previous replies to another posters comment, you said you had thought you could be very content not having kids at all.  Which was what my first and immediate thought was before you even mentioned your trauma 2 years ago.

My younger sister swears up, down, left, and right, that she does not want children in ANY form other than her dogs. I have another friend who is the same way.

I also have a neighbor, sweetest guy in the whole world who is now a single dad for the most part to 2 adorable boys because his wife went through the whole process of actually having the kids and afterwards said she really was not cut out to be a mom but did it for the husband.  They are also no longer together.

While it's somewhat against the "norm" of society, I would say first and foremost, determining whether or not you REALLY want kids is where you need to start.

It sounds like you have a very busy life, but also one that you can do what you want, when you want, which can be hard for some people to give up.  Especially career driven individuals.

I would start with some counseling before doing anything else to sort through some things.

Best Wishes and good luck on whatever you choose!  There is certainly no right or wrong, just what is best for you!

onefootinthebayou

MNturnsVA said: I would say that you should seriously evaluate whether or not you want kids, regardless of how they come into your life.
In one of your previous replies to another posters comment, you said you had thought you could be very content not having kids at all.  Which was what my first and immediate thought was before you even mentioned your trauma 2 years ago.
My younger sister swears up, down, left, and right, that she does not want children in ANY form other than her dogs. I have another friend who is the same way.
I also have a neighbor, sweetest guy in the whole world who is now a single dad for the most part to 2 adorable boys because his wife went through the whole process of actually having the kids and afterwards said she really was not cut out to be a mom but did it for the husband.  They are also no longer together.
While it's somewhat against the "norm" of society, I would say first and foremost, determining whether or not you REALLY want kids is where you need to start.
It sounds like you have a very busy life, but also one that you can do what you want, when you want, which can be hard for some people to give up.  Especially career driven individuals.
I would start with some counseling before doing anything else to sort through some things.
Best Wishes and good luck on whatever you choose!  There is certainly no right or wrong, just what is best for you!

Edited b/c no quote box, apparently.   Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, and for your sound advice.  You're right, but I should clarify that I felt that way my whole life, until meeting DH.  This was the part that my mother and aunt were right about all along.  That is, that my feelings would change when/if I met the right person.  Indeed, I had planned for a life without children had I not found the perfect partner and I had a really strong role model in my life who lived that type of life, my great aunt.  She never had children and was an icon in our family.  She had a career to be admired and traveled the world.  Being close to her made me realize that I could have a very happy and full life without children.  Of course, when I least expected it, I met DH and we agreed fairly early on that we would want to have a family together one day.  Now the time has come and I'm starting to deal with my anxiety about becoming pregnant.  Just making this one post has been very helpful in getting perspectives, from people who have been through real trauma related to having children to people who have similar feelings to me about not thinking that pregnancy is all sunshine, and rainbows, and to still others who have the outlook that there is nothing to be afraid of.

It's true, I do have a very busy life and currently travel the world quite a bit.  I'm actually not worried about leaving that behind AT ALL.  I'm looking forward to being a parent, making sacrifices, slowing down on the travel & socializing, all of that.  I'm just not looking forward to the actual process of having a baby.  I don't even mind the thought of giving up drinking (I love my glass of wine with dinner).  None of that bothers me at all.  It's just this aversion to pregnancy that I seem to have always had that is bothersome.