MTB is too involved. Help!

plumcot

Hi All!

I have a good friend who lives across the country who is pregnant, due in Nov. She complained to me that no one had offered to throw her a shower so I offered to do it, but the planning has turned into a nightmare. When I asked about her preferences, she said she wanted a co-ed shower, something low key, not a sit-down (which is good because their invite list has 35 people on it!). I found a cute little space owned by a catering company which cost a bit more than I'd like to spend, but requires the least amount of work because they provide the nicely decorated space, food, drinks, etc... I am flying in the night before the shower so I don't have a lot of time to organize all of the elements.

I wanted to run the location by her as it is in Oakland, across the bay from SF where they live. That's when she told me she wants to do it outdoors and that what I proposed sounded too fancy, and she wants to keep it very low key. I tried to explain that having it at a place where everything is already set up is actually the most low-key for me but she's dead set on having it outdoors and insists that it won't be more work. (Even though I know it will be because I have to bring all the food, drinks, rentals, decorations, etc... for 20+ people)

I always thought as the guest of honor your job was just to show up but now she has put herself in charge of finding a place. She is getting way too involved in her own shower. What should I do?! 

wassuphoes

That sucks.

"Friend, I love you but the way you have been acting is really hurting my feelings. I've put a lot of time and effort into planning a shower for you and your attitude makes me feel like what I'm planning isn't good enough. While I would love to throw an outdoor shower for you, it won't work logistically as I am planning from across the country and flying in for you. This shower is a gift for you, but I feel like it is very unappreciated due to your comments. "

bbiutmcph

Maybe there is a good reason no one that lives near her offered. 

 The fact you are flying across the country and offering to throw her a shower that sounds lovely at a nice place is above and beyond what most people do.  I personally tend to be blunt but I would probably be honest.  Tell her a place like you found is what is going to be easiest for you ( I mean you are traveling, it's not ideal to also then get all the supplies yourself and set up something in such a short amount of time) and since you are hosting and covering the cost she can take it or leave it and her attitude is really turning you off and quite rude.  

VOR

To follow on the two above me - really, I'd tell her "This is what I'm offering to do.  If you don't want it, that's fine, I understand.  but I will not be throwing you a different type of shower". 

She needs to show some appreciation.  Hell.

MyCousinVinny

wassuphoes said:

That sucks. "Friend, I love you but the way you have been acting is really hurting my feelings. I've put a lot of time and effort into planning a shower for you and your attitude makes me feel like what I'm planning isn't good enough. While I would love to throw an outdoor shower for you, it won't work logistically as I am planning from across the country and flying in for you. This shower is a gift for you, but I feel like it is very unappreciated due to your comments. "

This.  

I'm sorry you're in such an awkward spot.

neverblushed

You are in an awkward spot, and that stinks.  I would probably not go so far as to tell her that she's hurting your feelings or that she's being rude.  I would say something along the lines of the following:

"Friend, I need to talk to you about your shower.  You know that I am limited in what I can do because of my distance, and one way I can deal with that is to have it at the venue I've chosen.  However, you don't seem comfortable with that, and I want you to be okay with the details of your shower.  On the other hand, I'm not comfortable basically being hostess in name only while you plan the details of your shower.  I want the shower to be a gift from me to you.  So, I will understand if you want me to back out as shower hostess so that you can have the outdoor shower you want, because the only way I am going to be able to hostess is if we have it at the venue I've chosen and I actually call the shots.  What are your thoughts about this?"

This puts the choice on her but gives her a graceful way forward no matter which path she chooses.

Disneygeek77

Wow, you are such an incredible friend.  I would be so taken away if one of my friends not only offered to fly across the country for my shower, but also offered to host it as well.   

Others are right though.  It sounds like she never was interested in you giving her this amazing gift.  She is only using you as a puppet to have the shower she plans. I would probably bow out all together, but I also understand if you wanted to still give her this gift as long as she doesn't continue to dictate this gift.

ecwk

Wow what an entitled princess. I know you probably want to avoid drama but you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she can like it or lump it. I can't believe you're being treated like that, I cringe at the very notion of it. Good luck, you're a great friend!

tdart14

In would tell her to either accept it your way or forget it.

plumcot

Thanks all! You guys are amazing and provided some super helpful advice. 

Because I know you are all on the edge of your seats, here is an update: 

I tried to compromise by explaining (again) that an outdoor shower would be too hard for me to pull off in one morning, but maybe if there was someone locally who could help me we could co-host. She said there isn't anyone who can help and when I tried to throw out a few ideas that were also outdoors but didn't require me to do all the work like a rooftop deck at a restaurant or the most low key I could think of, everyone meeting at the off-the-grid Sunday, she made it clear what she really wants is a BBQ. 

Here is a direct quote from her email: "I guess I am thinking more of it as a way to get people together and catch up and not so much to be all about the baby." Now I just feel taken advantage of because instead of throwing of a baby shower for my friend, I'm being asked to throw a party for 30 people I've never met with no mention of the baby.

So here's where I am: I offered her an afternoon in the park where I bring drinks and very light snacks as long as her husband's friends will commit to helping me load in/out and bring coolers, or I would host the party in name only so it doesn't look like they are planning their own shower. 

Hoping this is just her crazy pregnancy hormones.

MyCousinVinny

@plumcot You are a very good friend.  I would have probably been a bit more blunt than you, as I would also feel like I got taken advantage of. 

I hope the day turns out wonderful and she is truly grateful for all of your efforts!

neverblushed

So... she boo-hooed to you that no one could throw her a shower, and then when you arrange a shower for her, she says she doesn't want a shower, she really wants to have a party.

Maybe tell her that since she doesn't really want a shower, she doesn't need you to be a hostess.  If it's just a party, and not a baby shower, she can just invite people to come hang out with her and BBQ.

ChiccoBeanz

@plumclot you are truly sweet. I'd have told her that she could have the shower that I offered to give her, or that she could just throw the bbq that she wants to have. It's not fair to you to have to plan and do the whole party, and then she decided she wanted it to "not be about the baby"  and be a bbq. She can throw her own bbq and not have you do it long distance. 

CCasey2015

neverblushed said:

So... she boo-hooed to you that no one could throw her a shower, and then when you arrange a shower for her, she says she doesn't want a shower, she really wants to have a party.

Maybe tell her that since she doesn't really want a shower, she doesn't need you to be a hostess.  If it's just a party, and not a baby shower, she can just invite people to come hang out with her and BBQ.

That's why she didn't have anyone local to "throw her a shower". She wants a party.

VOR

You're nicer than I.  I would have just "Friend, I don't think this is going to work, then.  What you want is just something I"m not able to provide you.". 

plumcot

Update #2: After some back and forth, I wrote the emailI was hoping to avoid. I borrowed language from a lot of your replies and tried to be friendly but also firm. And you know what? It TOTALLY worked. I didn't hear back from her for a few days but I got an email back today acknowledging that she had put me in a weird position with her expectations and saying that she still hoped I could make it.

Thanks for a) validating my feelings and b) providing some terrific advice on how to approach this. I have a hard time standing up for myself so I really needed the push from all of you. You guys are awesome!

neverblushed

plumcot said:

Update #2: After some back and forth, I wrote the emailI was hoping to avoid. I borrowed language from a lot of your replies and tried to be friendly but also firm. And you know what? It TOTALLY worked. I didn't hear back from her for a few days but I got an email back today acknowledging that she had put me in a weird position with her expectations and saying that she still hoped I could make it.

Thanks for a) validating my feelings and b) providing some terrific advice on how to approach this. I have a hard time standing up for myself so I really needed the push from all of you. You guys are awesome!

Excellent!  I'm so glad that it worked out for you!  She learned something about how showers work and how to evaluate and communicate what she really wants, and you've extricated yourself from an awkward situation without destroying your friendship.  Bravo!