Late Term and Child Loss
mandyren15
member
my new life
mandyren15
member
Hi guys. I'm not really excited about having to be part of this group but I'm really glad I found it for the support. I just lost my son Logan at 39 weeks. It has been completely devistating for the whole family. He was our first born and we were so ready to have him as part of our family. He's all I can think about now. I feel like an incomplete person right now. I don't know how to handle this heart ache. I miss my son so much. The pain hits me randomly throughout the day. My sadness makes my husband sad so I try to hide it as much as possible because I can't handle the Wright of both our pain on my shoulders. I feel guilty because the only think I can think of that gives me some relief from my pain is thinking about ttcal. Although I'm scared to even think about that I have empty arms that are aching. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore I feel like every decision I make I'm letting people down like when I requested two more weeks off of work.
Sorry my intro is so long it's just been a bad day.
Sorry my intro is so long it's just been a bad day.
Re: my new life
I understand your desire to have another baby right away - I felt the same after we lost our son - and I would recommend talking to your doctor, they may want you to wait a few months up to a year depending on your situation, and also to give yourself time to grieve the loss of Logan. Being pregnant again will be hard. It is consuming and full of anxiety and emotion. For us, we knew we needed to wait because we wanted to be sure that our desire for another baby wasn't just to replace our son but because we wanted another baby. I know this is a difficult decision and I know everyone's situation is unique, I just wanted to share my opinion and experience. Also, depending on what caused Logan's death, it may be important to do further testing and meet with other doctors to get a plan for a future pregnancy in place.
Also, don't feel bad for taking time off work. You wouldn't be able to focus anyway. I myself took off 9 weeks after our son was born still and it was so hard to go back, especially because no one knows what to say or how to act and losing a child changes you completely. You are no longer the person you were before. So, give yourself time. If you need two more weeks, don't feel guilty. And if you end of needing more, or need to go back part time at first, do whatever will make the return easier for you.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss, but know that we are here whenever you need us.
On a side note I broke down today when I saw a coworker at subway and tried to tell her that I wanted her to let the people at work know that it'd ok to talk to me about logan and the pregnancy because he is real. I was just a bumbling idiot and u don't even know if I got my point across. I just felt stupid so I basically ran away.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son Logan and to welcome you to this board. Thinking of you and sending so many hugs your way! I love the name Logan! I also lost my son at 39 weeks (June 2014) due to a cord accident day of delivery. His cord was around his neck 1x. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need.
I echo @stefuge - you lost your son and it's important to allow yourself to feel and express all of your emotions without trying to hold them in for others. Do whatever you need to do to get through each day one moment at a time. I remember my grief in the beginning being so overwhelming. Just getting out of bed each day was an accomplishment. Randomly I found myself breaking down in public like in line checking out for groceries....this may happen and if you are among strangers simply say," my son died" or if you need simply leave the store...
There is no right or wrong way to grieve you simply need to do what is best for you. You'll never forget or stop missing your son, but the pain will get less intense. Take as much time as you need before returning to work. I took my full 12 week leave before returning.
TTCAL is a very personal decision for everyone. Listen to your doctor and do what is best for you and your husband. My husband and I felt we still very much wanted a living child and due to other personal reasons we did not wait. We recently welcomed our son's little sister a few days before his 1st birthday.
Hugs