Feeling guilty

jerseygirl227

Chloe will be four weeks on Monday.  We have had some issues with breastfeeding.  She has never latched, and we suspect it was because my supply was so low that there wasn't anything for her to have anyway.  She has been on formula and I give her what I can pump via a bottle.  We tried/used the nipple shield.  I started pumping while still in the hospital.  I saw a lactation consultant.  I took the herbs recommended.  I did the skin-to-skin contact.  I pumped on a schedule, though I admit that there were times I was just too tired to pump overnight.  The most I ever pumped was 2 ounces in one sitting, and that was only once.  (I almost cried, I was so happy.)  It usually take me two to three days to pump a total of 2 ounces.  There are times when I pump and I get nothing at all.

I have felt very much like a failure during this whole process.  I have gone back and forth a million times about whether to quit or whether to try harder.  I had pretty much almost talked myself into quitting, removing the stress and just using the formula ... until Chloe started having diarrhea.

I called the doc today since she had had it for 24 hours.  They suggested I move her to soy formula.  For whatever reason, that just made me feel guilty all over again.  I just feel so bad that I can't provide her with what she needs.

So, here I am.  I don't know what to do, and it's making me crazy, literally.  Do I keep working at this?  Could it be that I just can't produce for her?  I'm just at a loss here.

mattandlora

You're not a failure. I've heard stories of women who had no supply with one baby and a good supply with others. The human body is a weird thing. Plenty of babies get formula-only for a variety of reasons, and they do just fine. Love on her and she won't know the difference when she's older.right now, her only care is that she gets held when she cries and a full belly when she's hungry. If you're doing that, you're doing a good job.

ewenner

You have no reason to feel guilty. You are doing your best for your baby, and you should be proud of that. It sounds like the stress of trying to breastfeed and/or pump is really upsetting you, which may only make everything else harder, too. If you decide to switch to exclusively formula (whether its soy or dairy or whatever), you would NOT be a failure. You would be feeding your baby and probably alleviating a big source of your own anxiety, which could make taking care of her easier in many other ways. These are the things that matter. Whatever you decide will be the right choice for your family.

NeonNoon

Sorry you're having a tough time. You're making the most of an imperfect situation. That's nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.

Pp hormones always make things seem worse than they are. And you're also recovering from surgery iirc? Try your best to relax and focus on what you can do for your daughter. Some extra bonding opportunities might help you emotionally? Try infant massage or baby-wearing when you are stronger.

(I don't have experience to share but my guess is if I were in your shoes, after trying for a month I would switch to formula, dairy or not.)

marijaa333

I have enough milk but my son has silent reflux: as in, the stomach acid burns his esophagus during/after each feed.  It's not my or his fault, and neither is your daughter's diarrhea your fault!  It is so easy to feel like a failure as a mother, between the hormones and the million things that can go wrong (of which hundreds of things surely will). But it's all just part of parenthood. As a pp said, you're doing the best for your baby and you should be proud. We all understand.

niknak1208

What would you tell her when she gets older and feels like she's it enough at something? Maybe it's swimming or soccer or math class. You would tell her that all she can do is try her best right? And that IS enough. It's no different for you. You're human. You can't control all things and this is something you're putting great effort into that's also causing great stress. All you can do is try and I think you've done a great job!! Whatever you decide.. To stick with it or to stop.. It's OK.

KaLikeAWind

Haven't been around for a while, sorry ladies.

But I wanted to chime in and say that I am also dealing with a low supply problem for my LO, so I know what guilt you are feeling. We have to give formula after each and every feeding, and at this point I really doubt that he gets much nutrition from me at all. I am also unable to pump really ANYTHING - I pump maybe 5-10ml in a session. If i added all the sessions together it would take me probably 1-2 days to pump an ounce. I have tried to pump to increase supply, and there was a time that I thought my supply did increase and LO seemed satisfied, but a weight check totally caved in that delusion. Huge guilt when I heard how little he had gained (not enough. Nowhere near enough) and I felt I was basically failing my kid. So I know how you feel. Its very hard to do this (have a newborn) without this extra guilt we saddle ourselves with. I've struggled with depression over this a little bit.

PP have said it well, but I'll say it too. Ive had to repeat it to myself many times. And still repeat it to myself daily. Most important thing is that baby is fed and has a full tummy. How that happens doesn't matter. And PP are also right in that all the LOs want is to be snuggled and have their needs met. It *was* a huge relief of stress for myself once I admitted that I wasn't going be breastfeeding my baby for his nutrition. Its easier to enjoy feedings now.

Hugs gal. You're doing a great job. The fact that you're agonizing over this just goes to show how wonderful a mom you are. Cut yourself some slack. >:D<

mattandlora

You know what? Eff this mom guilt stuff. I've been feeling guilty because I don't enjoy breastfeeding. My friends who breastfeed make it sound like some Johnson & Johnson stuff which just isn't happening at my house, or in the tiny storage closet I use for pumping at work. And I feel guilty that I don't love it, especially when other moms struggle with it. And with DS, I was so sick of it that I cut him off cold turkey at 11 months and gave him my freezer stash mixed with whole milk. He's fine.

My point is that there are pros and cons to whatever you do. But your baby needs you to be healthy for her. If breastmilk is too stressful, don't sweat it. You're doing a good job. If your kid is growing and developing appropriately, you're doing a good job. You don't have to love what you choose, just accept it, move on, and stop beating yourself up. I'm SO over these mommy wars and this mom - guilt stuff.

Confession #2 - baby #2 is 4 months old now. I stopped doing baby books when maternity leave ended for baby #1. His has no updates beyond that. My second kid has one, but it's still shrink-wrapped. I decided my kids would rather spend time with me than have a book to look at.

Confession #3: I don't fold my kids' laundry. I just throw it in the drawers. Eff you Martha Stewart

mindaa

Not much to add, as pp have well addressed thw guilt feelings. I know sometimes it helped me in those first few weeks to keep reminding myself that I was hormonal and sleep deprived. Yes, I had to acknowledge my feelings, but reminding myself that they were heightened somehow made me feel better and step back a little.
I do understand though. I dealt with slow weight gain/jaundice in the beginning and felt almost as bad and inadequate about my body as i did when i had trouble conceiving. It was terrible.
So sorry you are going through this. Hopefully making the switch once and for all will bring relief - You've been working really hard and doing a great job!

jerseygirl227

Thank you, ladies, for all your kind words and encouragement.  It means a lot.  Really.

I think last week was especially tough since the fiance was out of town for FIVE DAYS.  Definitely put some added stress on me.  And, yes, @NeonNoon, I am still recovering from the c-section, so I have that going for me, lol.  And, of course, I got some of the baby blues going on as well. 

@mellymar, thanks for sharing your story.  I totally understand.  

I think a big part of all of this is I just assumed I'd breastfeed, like it was my complete choice or something.  People would ask "are you gonna breastfeed?" and I'd say "oh yes" never thinking it would be an issue.  I don't think anyone really prepares you for how tough it might be, or that it might not even be an option.

@mattandora, lol at eff Martha Stewart!  You gave me a great laugh!  (BTW, our baby book is still in the shrink wrap as well, lol.  I have notes to transfer and I will get to it "some day.")

It's been four weeks today since I gave birth, I have decided to put away the pump.  There is a half an ounce of breastmilk in the fridge that I will give Chloe today and that will be it.  I'm not gonna lie ... there are times when I'm still tempted to pick it up and give it a go, but I think this is the right decision.  I just don't think it's gonna happen for us.  Heck, I was able to fit into one of my pre-pregnancy Victoria's Secret bras yesterday with no trouble, so I'm taking that as a sign that there's nothing going on with the girls.  I know my fiance will support me (he suggested I stop weeks ago since I was such a mess about it), and I don't think Chloe will care either way.  

Thanks again.  It's nice to be able to chat here about these things.  

marijaa333

@jerseygirl227 here is to burning the pump!!! (I so look forward to doing that someday.)

Btw, if you ever have any nagging feelings of guilt, check out THE most rigorously done study of breast milk v formula-fed sibling pairs (thus eliminating socioeconomic bias, which is always a problem). The conclusion is that long term outcomes are basically nil (and the only difference they find--not statistically significant--is that FF babies have LESS asthma):

https://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/sibbreast.htm

Guennie

Ugh, I wish I had been able to reply when you posted this! I had an emergency c-section followed by a blood transfusion and I battled low supply from day one. I was in so much pain trying to nurse I finally gave up and became an exclusive pumper. I tried so many things to increase my supply but it didn't work. Despite the fact that I had low output and she was getting way more formula than breastmilk, I kept at it for 9 months. Those were some of the hardest days of my life. My body didn't respond well to pumping and I was constantly in pain. Add that to lack of sleep and you can imagine what life was like for us. I planned to keep going until at least a year but at 9 months my supply suddenly dropped to almost nothing. I finally decided it was time to let it go. I cried, I felt guilty, my hormones went crazy, but once I got over the emotional hump my life with my daughter got so much better because I wasn't chained to the pump and I finally started to feel better and have energy to get out of the house with her.

So big hugs to you mama. You have to make the right decision for YOU. If you find yourself feeling guilty and emotional just know that it's normal and natural to have a hard time. It will get better. And you are going to do the best you can for your baby, as we all do.

Guennie

Oh and I forgot to mention, we had to put our daughter on Zantac and switch her to soy formula. It happens. It can take a few tries to find the right formula, don't let yourself feel like a bad parent because something wasn't working. Our daughter still does better with soy at 20 months, she will only drink soy milk.

Melis222

marijaa333 said:

I have enough milk but my son has silent reflux: as in, the stomach acid burns his esophagus during/after each feed.  It's not my or his fault, and neither is your daughter's diarrhea your fault!  It is so easy to feel like a failure as a mother, between the hormones and the million things that can go wrong (of which hundreds of things surely will). But it's all just part of parenthood. As a pp said, you're doing the best for your baby and you should be proud. We all understand.

Same here...we just switch baby from breastfeeding to Nutramigen formula. I'm still trying to rid myself of the guilt.

jerseygirl227

Melis222 said:

I have enough milk but my son has silent reflux: as in, the stomach acid burns his esophagus during/after each feed.  It's not my or his fault, and neither is your daughter's diarrhea your fault!  It is so easy to feel like a failure as a mother, between the hormones and the million things that can go wrong (of which hundreds of things surely will). But it's all just part of parenthood. As a pp said, you're doing the best for your baby and you should be proud. We all understand.

Same here...we just switch baby from breastfeeding to Nutramigen formula. I'm still trying to rid myself of the guilt.

Hugs to you.  I feel like a hyprocite saying "don't feel guilty" so I won't say that.  But just remember that you are doing what's best for your baby.

jerseygirl227

BTW, looking back and reading this post makes me realize how far I've come.  I really think I had some kinda serious PP depression going on for a while there.  Things are so much better now.