PGAL Check-In 7/22

Lemonpig1

Hello Friends,

It's been a while again! I wonder, is our January 2016 PGAL group something people are interested in maintaining? We've really been decimated by our members' losses - many of our most active, frequently posting women are gone now and I know that's something I'm still troubled by. My heart is with them every day. At this point I think the rest of us must be in our 2nd trimester and the majority have passed their loss dates. I think it's natural, when faced with lots of sad news and the desire to move beyond our personal fears for our own pregnancies, that a PGAL group might be something that some of us are looking for some distance from. After all, it's a community we all wish we weren't a part of even though it's such a source of strength and comradery! I know I've been scared to even be more active on BMBs in general because I'm so frightened that I might experience another loss and then say goodbye, as so many brave participants have done, to my online community along with my baby.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Do we still want to keep up with our regular PGAL check-ins, or just blend into the general discussions and use the loss boards outside the January group when we want to? I know there are other resources for PGALs on this site, but I also liked that we were all due at the same time and therefore experiencing lots of the same stuff together. I did a quick check of other month groups that are farther along than us and others still have PGAL groups that are keeping it up. I can commit to posting more often if others want to too.

Just thought I'd initiate the discussion and see what the rest of you think. As I've said I haven't always been very active around here so I defer to my sisters-in-arms!

MaryR0715

This is the only thread I have participated in. It is helpful to me to have people validate my feelings when most others can't understand. I like you fear posting in other threads and then having to say goodbye. I hope everyone is doing well.

SummerOH

I kind of like PGAL check ins for our BMB rather than the general PGAL board. Seems more intimate. Maybe monthly now?

The recent losses have really shaken me. It reminded me that we are never really "safe", and I'm really nervous that I'm going to be the next unlikely statistic. I try to think of stats, but then I think about how the chances of losing my baby at 9-10 weeks was supposed to be small, too, yet it still happened. I haven't had a ton of symptoms this time, and they've all but vanished the past few days, so that makes my paranoia even worse.

My next OB appt is 7/31. I hope to have an elective ultrasound the next day to find out the sex. I am purposefully scheduling it after my appt, even though I could have it this weekend, because I'm terrified there won't be a HB and I'd rather find out at the OB than visually at an elective us clinic (the resolution is much higher than at my OB's office). How messed up and morbid is that?

Sorry for rambling. I'm just really jumpy right now with nerves and emotions. Blah. Anyone else?

jem8407

I have started the last few but was unsure how our PGAL clan was feeling as we keep seeing statistically unlikely losses. I truly enjoy the support we are able to provide one another in this BMB; it truly does seem more intimate. We are all progressing together in a mixed bag of emotions.

Jenbug116

I like these check ins too. As @SummerOH said, they feel more intimate.

The recent losses have hit close to home for me as I experienced my last loss at 14 weeks. I am now 2 weeks past that milestone, but it really hasn't gotten easier.
I have a borrowed a Doppler from a friend and told myself I'd only use it a few times a week, but with my anxiety being so high I've used it almost daily. I have 2 weeks til my 18 week appt and ultrasound and it feels like forever.

I think monthly check ins here are a good idea, I'd hate to cut them out completely. Just my 2 cents.

christianks104

I like the idea of monthly check in's as well.

I have just my second appointment tomorrow at 12.6 and even though I've passed my milestone I am still starting to get nervous bc of the more recent losses. I didn't have any symptoms with my MMC in November and I think because of that I don't really ever feel reassured based on how I'm feeling.

emililyha

I agree. I like knowing there's a place to check in with others that can understand our level of anxiety. I feel similarly with these recent losses that nothing does really feel "safe". My loss milestone was at 10 weeks and I'm 5 beyond that now and still feel like I won't feel "safe" until after the anatomy scan.

Lots of people get excited for their upcoming doctors appointments but I feel so worried about each one going wrong that I have nightmares and don't sleep well. Trying to think more positively but really once you've had a devastating appointment you just kind of wait for the next one like it's an eventuality rather than the rare chance it truly is.

I'm grateful to have this community to lean on. I think of you all a lot and knowing I'm not going through this in this way alone is super helpful.

designer303

I agree and would like to see the check in continue. Having this group that understands like no one else ever will keeps me sane, well saner than I might be otherwise. The losses we have seen lately are terrible and they definitely shake me, but I guess I am all too aware that we and are children our never really truly safe. So I pray and try to think positively. I keep telling myself that after this or that I will feel like a normal pregnant, but so far has not happened. Maybe after the anatomy scan...

UptownPearl

I was waiting on another check in to introduce myself. I've been lurking here since I got my BFP in April but I've been so afraid to get involved and then have to leave if I had another loss that I've just never been able to post. Every time I thought I would post someone else would experience another loss and it really shook me. My heart breaks for all the losses and I miss seeing from those ladies on this board. My loss was at 5 weeks and I'm now significantly past that at 15w5d, but the anxiety never disappears as you all know. I'm tired of being afraid though and would like to actually become an active member instead of just a lurker, I don't know why it's been so hard for me to get involved but I want to give support and participate. Even though I never posted I really enjoyed seeing updates from you all.

KaraEpp16

UptownPearl said:

I was waiting on another check in to introduce myself. I've been lurking here since I got my BFP in April but I've been so afraid to get involved and then have to leave if I had another loss that I've just never been able to post. Every time I thought I would post someone else would experience another loss and it really shook me. My heart breaks for all the losses and I miss seeing from those ladies on this board. My loss was at 5 weeks and I'm now significantly past that at 15w5d, but the anxiety never disappears as you all know. I'm tired of being afraid though and would like to actually become an active member instead of just a lurker, I don't know why it's been so hard for me to get involved but I want to give support and participate. Even though I never posted I really enjoyed seeing updates from you all.

Totally understand - I'm so glad you've come out from behind the lurking curtain.



I like the check ins as well. I don't always check in but I like to keep tabs on all you ladies. I'm still really upset about the losses we've seen/experienced and it's hard to focus on the positive sometimes. PGAL check in is good to remind us all that there is still good things happening for other PGAL ladies.

fragglemom

I would like to continue. Every month sounds fine but I'm cool if anyone just wants to post a check in because they need to talk. I think we all tend to jump in once it's started.
I'm looking forward to our babies kicking things up a bit...literally. I, for one, know I'll feel so much better when I finally feel this baby move.
@SummerOH , I totally understand about scheduling the u/s for after your OB appt. I'm really hoping I start feeling the baby move by the time I have my a/s scan in two weeks or I'm going to be a total disaster.

KaraEpp16

I'm glad that this was posted today. I have my monthly appt tomorrow and I'm extra nervous because I am constantly worried about the HB being there. My midwife advised against a home doppler (which I understand). So, the only relief to the HB anxiety is when I have appts.

I hope I can schedule the anatomy scan tomorrow, as well.

SummerOH

@KaraEpp16 Good luck tomorrow! Update us on how it goes!

KaraEpp16

@SummerOH Thanks lady! I'll be thinking about you, too. I hope we both hear those whoosey wonderful noises and can feel the relief. I go in at 3:15. First solo appt. So, I'm trying to stay positive. I hope I can sleep tonight.

allslee

The losses recently have been an all too painful reminder of what can happen, so I've been distancing for that reason. I'm in my second tri and we are a lot further than our loss date but it still scares me (especially seeing the frequency of losses). I don't think I was doing it on purpose but I definitely was doing it.

Lemonpig1

So happy to hear from everyone! And I agree that monthly seems fine and everyone can just post updates on the most recent PGAL thread if we need to check in sooner or get some support. 

I am SO right there with everyone's anxieties about appointments. When I'm home by myself and feeling fine, it's easy to pretend that I'm confident and nothing bad will happen. As soon as I'm sitting on that table it's like, ok now's the moment when I might have my life completely ruined all over again... And even when I get good news, my relief only lasts so long! @christianks104 and @KaraEpp16 I will be thinking of you both tomorrow! And @SummerOH, your apt is on my birthday so I'll definitely remember to keep you in my thoughts. I'm excited to hear good news from everyone (sometimes it's so much easier to expect the best for other people than for yourself, so I'm gonna put that positive energy out there!) 

Part of why I started this thread today is because I had an ultrasound this afternoon, and this morning I was definitely feeling my anxiety ramp up. I'm 15w4d but was measuring like 16w3d - this baby's a big one. I go back on August 5 for my 18 wk. Everything they could see so far looked great, but I'm only now starting to come down from the stress-high and let myself get a little calmer and more reassured. Coming home and seeing all these messages made me feel better too. 

I read this post on Pregnant Chicken and it really struck a chord with me. There are so many things about pregnancy after loss that only others who've been through it can relate to. I really appreciate the understanding and compassion we can have in this group.

kelnate22

This is my first time posting in this group. I suffered a MMC in October. We saw the heartbeat at 10 weeks then couldn't find it again at 13. Had a D&E. Words don't describe the sadness. I've passed both milestones only recently, but the recent losses on here have me still facing anxiety. I agree with a PP. Every appointment and ultrasound I go to, I'm scared to death. I've been doing a lot of praying which has helped, but I'm still so scared. So glad to know there's a group of women who have gone through the same thing and understand the daily struggle. You're all in my prayers. I pray that these babies are our perfect miracles.

fragglemom

Thanks for that link @Lemonpig1 and thanks for starting this thread

MissMheMhe

I agree with everyone else in that I would love to see the PGAL threads continue. When things get stressful, it's nice to know there is a specific community of ladies that I know will understand where I'm coming from.

juneandboo

I haven't posted in here very much, but I've found reading the comments super helpful just in working through the mixed emotions!

andimegie325

I've been contributing here and there to other threads on this BMB, but to be honest I've kind of avoided this one because I wasn't sure if I really belonged. Maybe that's just a result of my IF wired brain. I have totally irrational fears like worrying what a stressful day at work will do to my nugget, or even worse when I turn up the music on my way home and really belt out a song! I will actually cringe while second guessing myself and drive home the rest of the way in silence. I'm glad I finally took time to read this thread. I'll probably lurk more than contribute, but definitely appreciate the understanding of those with a similar mindset as mine. It's good to know you're not alone

Lemonpig1

@andimegie325 I can definitely imagine how pregnancy after infertility can be similar to pregnancy after a loss. We've all experienced heartbreak, we've all had to give up on the dream of a "perfect" pregnancy and change plans we were really intent on, we've all felt jealousy or resentment when we wish we could just be happy for other people. It makes me feel better too when I hear from women who share these experiences. I'm sorry you have all that anxiety but I'm so happy you're pregnant! 

SummerOH

andimegie325 said:

I've been contributing here and there to other threads on this BMB, but to be honest I've kind of avoided this one because I wasn't sure if I really belonged. Maybe that's just a result of my IF wired brain. I have totally irrational fears like worrying what a stressful day at work will do to my nugget, or even worse when I turn up the music on my way home and really belt out a song! I will actually cringe while second guessing myself and drive home the rest of the way in silence. I'm glad I finally took time to read this thread. I'll probably lurk more than contribute, but definitely appreciate the understanding of those with a similar mindset as mine. It's good to know you're not alone

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my singing probably COULD hurt my baby.  It's really bad.  Like cats-fighting bad.  My LO would probably come out with little mini pencils it somehow fashioned jammed in its ears.

Anyway, you totally belong here!  It's so helpful to know we're not alone in our crazy, irrational paranoia and fear.  That alone makes it better somehow!

andimegie325

In addition to IF, I guess I am part of the pgal club, too. This is actually pg#5 for me, and hopefully my first take-home baby(I really hate that term, but I've yet to find a better substitute). I've surpassed all previous milestones by almost 6 weeks now, but I'm coming up on the anniversary of my last loss. It was by far the most emotionally traumatic one as I would have been due on my birthday this year in March. I've been trying hard to keep my head held high, and like others have said this definitely is a more intimate arena to connect in; I hope the thread continues, I know I'll be needing it!

MrsB915

Hi ladies. I'm also a lurker and felt such mixed emotions about joining in on the check ins. Reading the threads is difficult for me because it brings the pain of my loss to the surface. But maybe that is a better way to cope.

My ds WA born at 32+2, I'd gone into labor at 31+5. He is an amazing healthy, smart little boy! I had a natural at home in January at around 7 weeks, the day before I was scheduled for my dating us so we never got to see the baby.

@Lemonpig1 I was so glad to see you post the check in today because of all days I really needed it. Three times over the last week I've had a tight, cramping feeling just over my public bone but no spotting so I tried to tell myself there was nothing to worry about. I spoke with one of the nurses at my Dr's office today and she said that with my history they want to be extra cautious and check on it. I gave a urine sample today (check for hcg I guess) and she squeezed me in for an us tomorrow at 230 to check cervical length. She said not to worry, that it is probably just my uterus stretching. I'm trying not to worry but... the recent losses on the board are a reminder that 2nd tri isn't a guarantee.

Reading about other pgal mom's who are having success is encouraging and I'd love to participate and give my support if we continue to have monthly check ins. Sorry that this was such a long, rambling reply but I feel so scatter brained right now.

Lemonpig1

As we say in the Unitarian Universalist church (I'm not a member but I'm a divinity school dropout, so...) I'll be holding you in the light today @MrsB915! Every pregnancy has so many little twinges and pains and sensations and it sucks that for us every one of them tends to be cause for alarm. Though moms who've never experience loss can certainly feel that way too. Looks like we have a few ultrasounds/check-ups scheduled today, so I hope everyone checks back in to let us know how you're doing. Seriously I'll be concentrating extra hard on good thoughts for my PGAL ladies.

UptownPearl

@MrsB915 it looks like a lot of us are showing up after observing for a while! Please let us know how your appointment goes!

KaraEpp16

UptownPearl said:

@MrsB915 it looks like a lot of us are showing up after observing for a while! Please let us know how your appointment goes!


Yes please! Good luck!

emililyha

Thinking of you today, @KaraEpp16 ! I hope the appointment anticipation isn't too much to handle and praying they find the HB easy and quick.

Good luck to you!! You're in my thoughts today.

KaraEpp16

@emililyha Thank you! Me, too!

The anxiety has been interfering with my work motivation today. I feel bad, but I've stayed late every day this week.

3 and half more hours.

fragglemom

Gahhh!!! @KaraEpp16 I hate late appointments! I'd rather go at a later day and get an early appointment. The day goes by way too slow when you're waiting. Good luck!

KaraEpp16

jessfragione said:

Gahhh!!! @KaraEpp16 I hate late appointments! I'd rather go at a later day and get an early appointment. The day goes by way too slow when you're waiting. Good luck!

I usually am okay with later appts. because that means SO can make it. Don't know what I was thinking when I scheduled this solo. Maybe hoping he would come? I told him he didn't have to though.

I'm REALLY freakin nervous. And my Dad is always like why?

*face palm*

SummerOH

So my brother and his gf just announced they are due in March. I'm irrationally jealous. My family doesn't know yet because they're kind of crazy, plus I wanted to wait til the sex determination next weekend when I'm 15 weeks. I don't know why I'm jealous and I feel kind of bad about it, but I just am. Sigh. Just needed to put it in writing, I guess. Also, they didn't even tell my sister and I. We just happened to see it on Facebook. Kind of shitty!

emililyha

@SummerOH what a bummer. Sorry they didn't even tell you guys. That seems so strange to me. And I don't blame you for being jealous. Doesn't seem irrational to me at all. What one of us wouldn't do to be able to go back to the days pre-loss and have that kind of pregnancy where the fear was I'm sure still there but not like we have now and feel safe shouting our pregnancies from the mountaintops (or Facebook... You know...). Thinking of you. Know you did what felt right for you! Your family is going to be so happy for you when they find out.

Lemonpig1

@SummerOH PGAL jealousy is REAL. It's one of the things I think people are loathe to acknowledge, but fuck that noise. I know for me it's not that I didn't want other people to be happy or have healthy babies. What I envied was the innocence that other women who have never experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth have when they're pregnant. Usually when someone gets pregnant, they get to be excited and their family is excited too; when we get pregnant, there's so much fear and uncertainty involved, and announcing is so scary and people in our lives who know about our losses are a little reticent to celebrate with us. Or at least, that's been my experience - I don't mean to speak for anyone else and I know that not experiencing loss doesn't mean you and everyone you know is happy and excited about a pregnancy! Jealousy always feels bad, but don't beat yourself up about it. My therapist says (cuz yes if you lose your baby at 25 weeks damn right you get your ass to therapy) that even though jealousy is so unpleasant a thing to deal with, it will get better once you've worked your way through it and denying yourself those feelings only makes it worse. So I'm really glad you could share that. You are totally not alone.

fragglemom

I hate finding out about big things like engagements and pregnancies on FB. @SummerOH, I don't blame you for a second for being jealous. I'm super excited for my cousin who is due with twins in Sep, but she's also PGAL. I got a bit jealous when I found out a friend of a friend was expecting as soon as they started TTC though. I'm trying to just be excited that our kiddo will have other kids their age around wherever we go. I'm actually pretty excited that you're waiting to spill the beans so you get to swoop in with your surprise.

KaraEpp16

@SummerOH it's probably just because she announced willy nilly. She doesn't have to worry about getting to milestones or hoping the heartbeat is there at appts. You're a strong woman and I know you'll shake the jealousy for good once your secret is out Btw, BPM was 156 and I set the anatomy scan for the 21st of August. Every appointment makes me feel so much better. Talked to the actual OB and her excitement for me was contagious.

SummerOH

Yes!  You ladies totally get it!  I felt kind of goofy even posting that, but it was just rolling around in my head and I had to get it out.  So glad I did!  You captured what I was thinking 100%.  She is 8 weeks and posted the ultrasound, so yes - EXACTLY - I'm jealous of that innocence and glib attitude.  And now I feel kind of robbed of my news, because it's going to be like, "Meh, so what - another pregnancy" even though I'm 6 weeks ahead of her.  I know this is wrong, but I'm like...But this was so hard for me!!  This is a big deal!  Make it a big deal!  (Again, I completely realize how childish I sound!)  On the other hand, it will totally be a huge deal for my in-laws.  My MIL is pretty much the best woman ever.  So lucky to have her.

I'm totally in therapy, even now.  So you're not the only one, LemonPig1! 

Have you had your appointment yet, Kara?  How did it go?

Also, I have no idea how to do the @ thing when on a computer...usually mobile.

KaraEpp16

@ and the name...sometimes it won't pop up so you gotta look at the member name and memorize it. Kinda annoying. It's totally cool and understandable that you feel that way to all of us. Its awesome you are self aware enough to pinpoint what it is and why you're feeling it, too. It will be a big deal. Don't you worry. Nobody steals baby thunder. Not even other impending babies. Hahahaha

allslee

I would give ANYTHING to go back to that blissful ignorance of not knowing what it's like to lose a baby. I still get jealous of women like that.

MrsB915

Thanks for the support ladies. My us went great today. The baby is measuring right on track and had a strong hb of 163! A little camera shy so we only got to see the back of the baby. It was kicking my cervix so maybe that is what I was feeling! Also she said I have an anterior placenta this time which is nice to hear. This way I don't have to worry when I don't feel the baby move any earlier than my son.

@SummerOH I'm sorry y Pou had to hear about your brother's girlfriends pregnancy of facebook. That's just not right! Maybe they didn't know how to tell you so they didn't do it at all? Still, it's not right.

@KaraEpp16 I'm so glad that your appointment went well. That is a great heartbeat! I'm so happy for you.