Trying not to judge but...

LATXwoman

...Is it normal now for parents to let their poorly behaved toddler cry it out in a restaurant during lunch rush? Because that's what's happening right next to me right now. I know I'll be in this position soon enough, but seriously, I thought you sucked it up and took wailing children outside or bathroom to calm down if you're in public.

morganabyrd

I don't have a toddler so I don't know, but maybe they've taken the kiddo out several other times and this time they're trying this? Perhaps they're of the mindset, let's let him cry this time and maybe he'll get the point. I know that if I was having to let my child have that meltdown in public, I'd be mortified as I'm sure they are. Toddlerhood will be challenging for pretty much everyone involved, and I wish there was a guide book with answers. I hope that it didn't ruin your lunch! Monday's are rough enough on their own

batmom05

Any time my son threw a tantrum somewhere, whether it was a restaurant or a store I took him out. There are some times it's unavoidable and you have to be somewhere with a crying child (target, the pharmacy, etc) but overall if I could remove him from where we were I did.

LATXwoman

I'm sure it's just one of 100 hard decisions parents have to make daily, but I feel like my friends and relatives generally spirit their kid away from the ears of innocent bystanders if the kid is bugging out for more than like, five minutes. But maybe there's some other parenting theory I'm unaware of.

bgriest

I always go with lazy parenting. Growing up if we were acting up we were taken out to the car until we calmed down. All too often I witness parents subjecting strangers to their children's tantrums and I totally judge.

You want to let them cry it out? That's fine. Let them cry it out in the car or at home. Don't subject other people to it.

smlowe9311

Dd1 (will be 2 in September) did this a few weeks a go when we were out to eat with my mom. I was indeed mortified (we had been running her all over town and she was tired and hungry by that point) and did take her to the restroom to help her calm down. When we came back out everyone was calmer and we had a nice enjoyable meal. I don't know that I could just let her go as I would be embarrassed, I would know it was bothering others around me trying to eat and frankly it would start to annoy me after a while.

jem89

I always take my kids away from as many people as possible when they throw tantrums but I kind of wish that I could just do that once and really show my kids that tantrums don't work... As much as it sucks for everyone involved, I kind of applaud it.

Thentherewere7

I'm gonna have to agree that sounds like lazy parenting. You don't have to let the tantrum play out so publicly to prove that it won't work. My DD had her only huge tantrum at the mall because we were sharing a drink and she wanted her own. We promptly left and dealt with it in the car. If at an eatery I would take her outside or to the car until she is calm enough to get back to the evening though she has never had a tantrum while out to a meal. We have never allowed tantrum behavior and I'm very proud of my lil girl in how well she behaves while out.

jem89

@Stormsullivan I guess it depends on the reason for the tantrum. If my kids act up in a restaurant, it is usually because they want to leave so when I get up with them, they are getting what they want. I still don't sit there and let my kids yell in public places but I often wonder how my kids would react if I did. I am just trying not to be judgmental of the parents because I have come to feel for any parent and child while the tantrums are going on. I am really blessed that my 2 yr old really went through the "terrible twos" extremely quickly at 1 1/2 yrs old and this year has been amazing with her. Anyway, just didn't want to seem like I am saying that they misbehave often:)

komorebi

I remove my kids. It usually helps them to settle. And i try not to take them out of i know they are grumpy or sleepy. But i try not to judge. You never know why a crazy situation with a kid is happening and kid karma is a bitch. I'm sure I've been judged a million times and usually what is needed is understanding.

tate62610

We remove our daughter if she's throwing a tantrum. I'll let her have it outside. Not at the table.

Birdee212

I try not to side-eye a parent when their child pitches a fit in public because I know that the parent is probably mortified enough without my judgement. However, I think the polite thing to do is to quell any loud or obnoxious behaviors as soon as possible by taking them out of the store or restaurant until they settle down.

But I've never dealt with a public toddler tantrum by myself so I'm guessing I'd rather flee the scene out of embarrassment rather than endure stares from strangers. We'll see how it goes.

102215duryee

It depends on the child. It could be a strategy and it really works to not gibe child attention to their tantrum. When you give attention to it, it gives them positive reinforcement to continue. Of course each situation is different but it could be part of an overall system depending on what the parent is also doing. It can be hard to tell if you don't know the family, child, situation. Removal of child is part of this system but it is a delicate balance depending on the reason for the tantrum.

It could also be a lazy parent. But again, hard to tell unless you know them.

baconlady

I personally rather save myself the embarrassment and handle it elsewhere . However , I realize how difficult some kids are and how different strategies may work for others . I try my best to ignore it and go on bout my business when I see it because I feel bad for the parents and it could be me one day in their shoes .

lavonneashley

I always thought the same thing before I had a toddler. "I would never let my kid act like that" or "man take that kid outside" but sometimes it's just hard. Sometimes there's only so much you can do with a toddler. If my son gets like that I try taking him outside a few different times and if that fails we just get the check and go home and stop eating at a restaurant for a while. But I get were parents letting there kids cry it out come from... They might be having a long or bad day and just want to sit down and be like everyone else for a bit. Plus you would be amazed the amount you can tone out from kids after a while lol

FrozenMommy

I'm not going to read all the comments, just add one. My toddler decided at the check out of CVS to have a fit over, well something stupid and small and I can't remember, but I was not going to put all my stuff back and not pay. So I let her scream. Sometimes we have to to get anything done. I can't possibly just never go out because my toddler "may or may not" have a tantrum in public. Try as we do to prevent them, they happen, and sometimes there is nothing you can do or say to stop it.

eat111315

Agree with others that sometimes taking a kid out is exactly what they want: therefore tantrum wins and will be repeated.
I think it depends a lot on the age of the kid too. Younger kids can get themselves so worked up they can't calm down on their own and need to be somehow consoled or talked through.
And of course there's always out of control kids with lazy parents, so it's tough to say. Unpleasant situation for all involved though regardless.

Krysta6

As a FTM I try not to judge other people's parenting as I know I will be learning so much and hope to not be judged. When I read your post I immediately thought maybe the parents are exhausted and hungry from a full day with a toddler throwing temper tantrums. The only side-eyes from me parents get is when they get aggressive with their kids out of frustration. Even then I know one day I will likely get overly frustrated and handle it in a way I'm not proud of.

Rachel623

I think it depends. Was only one parent there where he/she had to wait for the check to leave? Sometimes you're trapped.

My two year old had her first public tantrum in the checkout line at the grocery store on Saturday. She didn't want to go back in the cart for the walk to the car and I know that she would refuse to hold my hand and it would be dangerous. I needed to have two hands available to grab her because I'd be maneuvering a large cart while pregnant with one hand so carrying her was not an option.

I moved out of the way of the line after I paid and spent what seemed like eternity trying to get her to put her feet in the leg holes on the seat while calmly repeating why she had to be in the cart. She kept pulling her knees to her chest and screaming that she wanted to walk. It probably only lasted about three minutes but it was definitely one of those all eyes on me moments. Not fun.

I'm sure I was judged for letting her act that way. The truth is that I had no off button to make her stop and refused to jeopardize her safety to save face. I didn't raise my voice or get physical with her. I didn't bribe her. In my mind it was a parenting win, but who knows what all those people thought of me.

FrozenMommy

Also, it is a phase. The 3 year old is the current epic tantrum thrower, but my 4 year old only gets really crabby when she's overly tired or hungry. Which I must admit, sometimes when at the grocery, we are there because we are out of something that she will only eat right then, so off we go with hangry 4 year old and unpredictable 3 year old to the store. I once saw a kid at the store, and his mom literally lead him around by her iphone. I guess that's one way to keep them quiet.......... :-S

babyynumbertwo2015

As a mother of a toddler, it's hard. Some days the temper tantrums just don't stop, and it's exhausting mentally and physically. I know it sucks to be in a restaurant and have to put up with it, but you have no idea how much harder it is to be the parent of said toddler. Maybe it's their first date night out in months and they couldn't get a sitter, or they are celebrating an anniversary and couldn't get a sitter. 99% time of the time if my daughter melts down in a restaurant we take it to go. But every now and then there is an extenuating circumstance where my hubby and I just want to eat!!!

bbiutmcph

Unless someone is swearing or physically hurting their child I try not to judge. I certainly did prekids but then I suffered through toddler years, 4 and 5 is when the attitude comes, my 2 year old is very very strong willed and totally opposite of my first where I thought I figured things out and I have had more than my share of public meltdowns. You don't know the whole situation or what is actually going on and while it's annoying to hear, "Just you wait until you have a kid and truly become a parent" Some days are pretty much about survival and your day can change in .3 seconds. Parenting is hard and assuming you weren't at a fancy black tie only luncheon I don't think it's a huge deal to hear a kid cry. If anything I would feel bad for the parents because I have been there and gotten the judgey glares from people and it sucks. In 3 years you will probably be those parents more than once.

Msdpgp

As the mother of a 22-month old, I find these future moms' views on how to deal with toddlers to be hilarious. Just wait guys...just wait...

dparker721

This is the part of parenting that gives me the most anxiety. Well, not just the temper tantrums but just how my children will behave in public in general.

I try to remind myself not to judge the parents when their child is throwing a tantrum because I'm sure they're embarrassed and doing what they can. I know that will be me one day too and that I don't know the "right" way to handle it.

But, I was totally judging in the grocery store yesterday when a lady came in with her mom and three daughters. The baby was in the cart but the other two girls were wild! Running, crawling under things, jumping out in front of carts, running into me, screaming, rolling on the floor, pulling things off of the shelves, etc. The two ladies just completely ignored them.

amberrmariee20

I had my son in Walmart about a year ago now, he started freaking over a movie he wanted, needless to say he was extremely difficult that day so I told him no. He threw an even bigger tantrum, I left my cart where it was and picked him up and went to the car ! By doing this I taught him having tantrums gets him no wheres and no movie !!

komorebi

I live in an older community and i can't tell you how much praise i have gotten for not giving into to tantrums and staying calm. Everytime the kind words made my day. Tantrums can seriously break you if you're already having a rough day. And there are situations that they need to learn (at the expense of others, but we all suffer strangers in public occasionally) that they can't just stop your life. But in a restaurant i typically remove the tantrum child because it's not a short term situation like a check out line (which are hell with a grumpy child ) and i feel guilty if others can't enjoy a meal.

komorebi

Msdpgp said:

As the mother of a 22-month old, I find these future moms' views on how to deal with toddlers to be hilarious. Just wait guys...just wait...

My first kid was easy, so it took me having more to realize just how rough it could be.

missey981

What about playing video games with the volume up as loud as possible...I almost broke the kids game.

Sballerina

Was it a fancy sit down restaurant? Or a fast food place or casual sit-down/chain? What came to my mind, especially since you said it was rush hour, that may be the parent(s) are on a time schedule (afternoon appointment to get to?) and do not have the time to take their child to calm down. I have no parenting experience, but what some of the moms said about their kids throwing tantrums when they want to leave somewhere also makes sense. If that is what the tantrum is about, then yeah seems like it makes sense to let them throw it for awhile to show them it won't get them what they want: departure. In that case the parent would have to weigh that parenting objective over being perceived to be rude by not taking the child out.

bbiutmcph

missey981 said:

What about playing video games with the volume up as loud as possible...I almost broke the kids game.

Nothing to get my panties in a twist about. Adults listen to music obnoxiously loud in public as well, slightly annoying but not my circus not my monkeys.

Krysta6

@bbiutmcph that is my favorite line! I repeat it all the time!

jefinley1

BrooklynBroussard said:

I am a FTM so my opinion really means jack. But I did want to state it to let mothers with children who have behavioral problems know that I am sympathetic. Crying and screaming irks me like anyone else, but I try to muster up any patience I have for mothers. I feel like they deserve it. If I'm perfectly honest, my first reaction is always anger and frustration. Then I realize how difficult parenting young children is. I really hope that people will have patience with my children when the day comes that they lose it in public. I know removing them is ideal, but it can reinforce bad behavior.

All of this, because I respect karma. If I think anything, it's that I really want to find some way to prevent those issues because it just looks awful for the parents. @missey981 The video games definitely bother me more than crying because it seems so easy to prevent. Headphones, or just not having the volume up. It shouldn't be an annoying pacifier. But the sad truth is that I see it way more with teens and even apparently stunted people my age than I do with small children. When it's some 23 year old hipster jerk on a flight, that is when I want to just grab and stomp. Then again I get mad when people start playing music for their friends on their phones at bars too, and fantasize about dropping it in their drink.

jenn2132

I think it depends on the situation. I know my kids have had meltdowns while I'm in line at the grocery store with a full cart of groceries and tons of people behind me and there is no way I'm getting out of line at that point so I have to endure it. Then there are times where people bring their babies or toddlers into movie theaters and don't walk out when the kid is screaming and crying which I find rude because people have paid to see the movie and it takes away from their enjoyment. I will say once I became a parent and had to experience shopping with a baby or toddler first hand I have become so much more sympathetic to other parents. Truthfully if I hear a crying baby at a restaurant now I only maybe notice it for a second and then usually I'm able to ignore it and it doesn't phase me.

danixbanani24

I think sometimes we need to consider parents with children who have any number of disorders or behavioral disorders. I've been trying to quote @brooklynbroussard but the app wasn't working. Anyway my sister had delayed speech and learning disabilities and she often threw tantrums in public or wherever when she couldn't communicate with us. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing that can be done to calm down a child in this situation either. My parents were often exhausted mentally and physically and sometimes just had to let my sister cry it out. And man she could become such dead weight! She would plop herself on the floor and sometimes my dad couldn't even move her. Anyway that's my two cents. Sometimes there is more to the tantrum than a spoiled child.

missey981

It was inside the waiting room of my office. Probably wouldn't have annoyed me as much if I wasn't working. But it was an hour and a half of none stop video violence

babyynumbertwo2015

Msdpgp said:

As the mother of a 22-month old, I find these future moms' views on how to deal with toddlers to be hilarious. Just wait guys...just wait...

Amen!! If only it was as easy as removing them from the situation! When you have a toddler, life doesn't stop. You still have appointments to make, errands to run, etc etc.

intheversa

I'm a FTM so I'm probably not the best to have an opinion. It's hard to say because we don't know if this is a regular thing with the child. Personally though, I would remove my child. My parent's way of handling it was that if we couldn't behave in public then we were removed and taken home. A lot of times that meant missing out on play times or fun outings. Eventually we got the picture. I try not to judge other parents though, because we don't know the situation. But then again there are some lazy parents out there.

LATXwoman

Yeah, I get that one parent, or one parent in a grocery store, or another limited option scenario would be a different situation. I never ever judge parents on airplanes for example. This was not that. This was 2 parents with 2 kids, and the younger one was pitching the fit. We were in a sit down restaurant in a mall, not the McDonalds play area, and they were at the table closest to the bathroom and also not far from the exit. So, from what I could see it wasn't like harried mom desperate to grab some food and go, this seemed much more like a concerted effort to just have the kid cry it out in public. And that's why I posted, seriously, I was wondering if this is some sort of new recommended parenting technique because I've never experienced it at this level before. And yeah, I'm sorry, but it did suck to be less than five feet away waiting on my food while the meltdown occurred. Not my circus, not my monkeys, but also not my choice to get a front-row ticket to the toddler show.

bbiutmcph

LATXwoman said:

Yeah, I get that one parent, or one parent in a grocery store, or another limited option scenario would be a different situation. I never ever judge parents on airplanes for example. This was not that. This was 2 parents with 2 kids, and the younger one was pitching the fit. We were in a sit down restaurant in a mall, not the McDonalds play area, and they were at the table closest to the bathroom and also not far from the exit. So, from what I could see it wasn't like harried mom desperate to grab some food and go, this seemed much more like a concerted effort to just have the kid cry it out in public. And that's why I posted, seriously, I was wondering if this is some sort of new recommended parenting technique because I've never experienced it at this level before. And yeah, I'm sorry, but it did suck to be less than five feet away waiting on my food while the meltdown occurred. Not my circus, not my monkeys, but also not my choice to get a front-row ticket to the toddler show.

But I guarantee you will be those parents in the near future. Like many people pointed out sometimes leaving isn't an option and I admit sometimes I don't leave just because one of my kids decides they don't want to do something. If you leave every time your kid flips out you literally will never complete things. Maybe the parents were trying to hold a united front vs if if I keep crying I know mom will give in and let me leave. Parents have lots of different styles and there is not a right or wrong aside from straight up abuse. Being a parent is full of lots and lots of shitty times and usually they happen at the worst time, like right after you ordered your meal, or in church, or in the middle of your other kids concert. You will get lots of tickets to front row toddler shows as your child grows up and you will also start to feel for those having them. There is nothing wrong with wanting a nice quiet meal but that is when DH and I have date nights at a nice dining establishment not a family friendly one at a mall or a chain one like Applebees. I just think this is one of those things you will look back on in a year or two and shake your head. Just like I did when pregnant with my first and made a post about leashes on kids.

jefinley1

All I know, as I haven't had a child, let alone a challenging one yet, is that if my child was behaving this way I would be both desperate and mortified. Regardless of the look on my face. I used to babysit for a family, and the son was challenging. They were awesome parents. He was an awesome kid. But he would throw the worst, violent tantrums even into elementary school. They were willing to try anything a doctor or child behavior therapist would tell them to. So you never really know the background and I don't think there are any hard and fast rules or trends. Personally, malls and chain restaurants make me panicky always, so I never expect a peaceful public eating experience there, tantrum throwing toddler or not.