husband + porn + pregnancy hormones = venting — The Bump
3rd Trimester

husband + porn + pregnancy hormones = venting

I'm 31 wks pregnant with our second kiddo. He's almost 25, I'm almost 22 and we have been married for 2yrs now (together for 3). I have never liked him watching porn while masturbating so this is nothing new...but awhile ago I asked him to stop because I was always lucky enough to walk in on him and it bashed my self-esteem into the ground every time. (The self-esteem I was finally getting back after our first baby...) I just found out, via him, that he hasn't stopped watching it because I wasn't exercising (before this pregnancy) or working on the book I've been wanting to write. I haven't done what he's asked so he hasn't done what I asked, is basically what he said. Well...me not exercising or working on a book doesn't make him feel like a flobby, stretch mark covered piece of crap does it?!...I can't compare to those women... I was 120lbs(before this pregnancy; 105 before the first pregnancy) at 5ft 2in; now I'm third trimester 155lbs with more stretch marks (and probably a left over baby belly...) so my self-esteem is WAY under ground... How am I suppose to feel good about myself when he turns around and gets off on these tiny, slim, no stretch marks chicks all while not having sex with me very often?
...he knows it bothers me...which makes it that much worse...
He's an amazing husband (so please don't say he's not a good husband) and father, and he's intelligent, but he doesnt understand why the porn bothers me despite telling him that it makes me feel like a piece of poo... How else can I explain this to him?

Re: husband + porn + pregnancy hormones = venting

  • mkeipmkeip
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    I think his response is a maturity issue. If my husband looked i would be hurt too. and this isn't about making you accept pornography or not. Philosophically it appears you have decided you don't want it to be a component in your relationship with him so it should be respected. 

    I would just explain simply that this boils down to 2 things....trust and empathy. You have to be able to trust the he isn't going to agree to things just to get you off his back for 1. and 2 as partners you have to put yourself in the other persons shoes and and question your actions from that perspective. you shouldn't be doing things that are a burden to one another. Tell him that that's what his lack of sexual boundaries is doing...it is burdening you with self doubt. It's as simple as that. hopefully he will chose the option that shows kindness to your feelings. 

    but be patient...alot of this is his age. My husband just turned 30 (im still in my 20's hehe ) and they do a TON of maturing in those 5 years, it is really amazing. Even if, like my husband he is already a pretty great guy. Something just happens. 

    IF he continues the behavior than you have to find a healthy way to cope with it because unfortunately you can't brow beat someone into good behavior. Now by cope, Im not saying "put up with". You can continue to vocalize your feelings about it to him. but you also have to deal with the negative feelings that arise as a result of him continuing. Focus on things that make you feel beautiful. Stop looking at the numbers on the scale because weight sits different on everyone. Im 31 weeks FTM here, so i know it's hard to not feel insecure during this time. but you just have to make a conscious effort to redirect your brain through positive actions.    
    sgrho2YTuMamaTambienbabygirl536
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  • Jazmym said:
    I'm 31 wks pregnant with our second kiddo. He's almost 25, I'm almost 22 and we have been married for 2yrs now (together for 3). I have never liked him watching porn while masturbating so this is nothing new...but awhile ago I asked him to stop because I was always lucky enough to walk in on him and it bashed my self-esteem into the ground every time. (The self-esteem I was finally getting back after our first baby...) I just found out, via him, that he hasn't stopped watching it because I wasn't exercising (before this pregnancy) or working on the book I've been wanting to write. I haven't done what he's asked so he hasn't done what I asked, is basically what he said. Well...me not exercising or working on a book doesn't make him feel like a flobby, stretch mark covered piece of crap does it?!...I can't compare to those women... I was 120lbs(before this pregnancy; 105 before the first pregnancy) at 5ft 2in; now I'm third trimester 155lbs with more stretch marks (and probably a left over baby belly...) so my self-esteem is WAY under ground... How am I suppose to feel good about myself when he turns around and gets off on these tiny, slim, no stretch marks chicks all while not having sex with me very often? ...he knows it bothers me...which makes it that much worse... He's an amazing husband (so please don't say he's not a good husband) and father, and he's intelligent, but he doesnt understand why the porn bothers me despite telling him that it makes me feel like a piece of poo... How else can I explain this to him?


    I am sorry but he does not sound like an amazing husband. He should be helping your self-esteem, not hurting it.

     And it sounds like you have some major communication issues going on. You need to have a mutually agreed upon decision regarding porn and then you both need to respect that decision.

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  • JazmymJazmym
    First Comment Photogenic
    member
    Thanks mkeip, that really helps. I'm more hurt about the fact that he agreed to stop but then turned around and did this "well you don't so i don't".
    He does help my self-esteem, he calls me beautiful, rubs and kisses my belly and so on and so forth. I don't watch porn, mostly because all i do is analyze it, giggle at the ridiculous moans and I don't understand the point. So when hes watching porn, all i can think is that he's picturing doing these women, even though I know he's not. We have talked about it before. I just think he doesn't understand my point of view, hell, i don't know if i even understand my point of view at this point...
    NoSugarCoatingIt. I'm not threatened by it,
    we go to the strip club together(and not because i want to keep an eye on him; my eyes are normally distracted), nor is he replacing me with it. It's the fact that he is pleasing himself while watching other women...how can that not be upsetting?
    mkeip
  • JazmymJazmym
    First Comment Photogenic
    member
    "the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable" is the definition of fantasy. So you're telling me that I shouldn't be hurt by it because it's not "real"?
  • Jazmym said:

    "the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable" is the definition of fantasy. So you're telling me that I shouldn't be hurt by it because it's not "real"?

    Jazmym said:

    "the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable" is the definition of fantasy. So you're telling me that I shouldn't be hurt by it because it's not "real"?

    Exactly.
    DS1: BFP 04/03/11 | EDD 12/02/11 | born 11/21/11 
    DS2: BFP 02/09/13 | EDD 10/26/13 | said goodbye 06/02/13
  • rel="NoSugarCoating">

    "If it's not replacing you, then you need to work on your self esteem issues. Porn should not be a threat to a healthy relationship."

    ^^I couldn't DISAGREE more. Just a difference of opinion perhaps, but I don't feel that pornography has any place in a healthy relationship.

    OP, there is a similar thread going on right now in the August 15 board with some helpful advice for you.

    http://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12596728/not-sure-what-to-make-of-all-of-this-rant#latest
    Joey 06.05.2010, MC Jan 2014-EDD 09.11.2014, Aurelia 08.24.2015 (lost twin ~12 weeks), Ectopic Loss Feb 2016, EDD 01.03.2018
    ilikestars089deleted22152218laurasuzanne2006PrimRoseMama
  • My hubby and I went through this. I told him I didn't like it and the reason I didn't like it and although he didn't really understand my reasoning we made it a point to only watch porn together. During this pregnancy I haven't had any sex drive so I've made it a point to get him off however he wants so he doesn't feel the need to resort to porn.
    mkeipbabygirl536
  • mkeipmkeip
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    No problem. We had this discussion years ago. I totally get the feeling of not even fully getting why it bothers you. I felt the same way! And really you shouldn't have to analyze those feelings now. He shouldn't put that on you. At the very least if he can't stop right now, he should agree to do it when you aren't going to walk in on him. So you don't have it right in your face. Maybe he could use his cell in the bathroom to do it privately? Imnot saying you have to be ok with this. But it might be a solution for just right now.
    YTuMamaTambienkatieserrato23
  • @SantistevanMommie This sounds exactly like the deal my husband and I made. We had this conversation long before we even got married. Normally we have a very strong and healthy sex life. Throughout pregnancy we have been keeping the romance alive (with my limited sex drive these days) by mutual masturbation, etc.

    OP - you need to have a frank conversation with him about how it makes you feel. If he loves you he should at least respect your feelings and acknowledge that it hurts you.
    babygirl536
  • I wouldn't agree that this immature behavior makes an amazing spouse. Disregarding your feelings and not fulfilling your sexual needs is actually selfish.
    PrimRoseMama907_babyGirlOnTheBeach
  • Hubby sounds kinda jerky. This seems like an issue bigger than just watching porn.
    cMichelle0423PrimRoseMama
  • I don't see this as an issue.. I would so much rather my boyfriend watch porn, then be out sleeping with someone else. I'm sure he would feel the same. Porn is 100% staged, acted out, sprayed with makeup, stopped in the middle of scenes to fix makeup. None of the girls get "real" pleasure from it. It's fantasy, not reality.
  • I understand why you feel unattractive etc. I feel the same way with this big belly. My husband and I have always had a very healthy sex life, and enjoy each other very much. He has always watched porn and it never bothered me and we would at times watch together. I walked in on him not too long ago pleasuring himself, yes I was upset, but that was my own insecurities.
    I get you don't like it and that's the issue but don't ever feel as if he would rather be with those women, he
    Loves you. He obviously finds you attractive.
    Missed Miscarriage 3/27 D&C 3/29/2012
  • I hear your thoughts - I admit it makes me feel less attractive and less desirable when I catch my hubby watching porn alone...I would much rather watch it with him (which we do, but rarely). I'm having even less sex drive than normal with this pregnancy, and it doesn't help that I was having bleeding after sex and ended up getting put on a ban until my US this coming Tues (I had low lying placenta at 20 wks so its time for my 30wks check).

    I would have a sit down talk with him and let him know how it makes you feel, for real. He needs to find other places or ways to take care of it....on bad days I jokingly (but not really - I'm serious) tell him to go take a shower and leave me alone lol. His excuse is pretty immature, I agree with some of the other ladies here.
  • Jazmym said:

    I'm 31 wks pregnant with our second kiddo. He's almost 25, I'm almost 22 and we have been married for 2yrs now (together for 3). I have never liked him watching porn while masturbating so this is nothing new...but awhile ago I asked him to stop because I was always lucky enough to walk in on him and it bashed my self-esteem into the ground every time. (The self-esteem I was finally getting back after our first baby...) I just found out, via him, that he hasn't stopped watching it because I wasn't exercising (before this pregnancy) or working on the book I've been wanting to write. I haven't done what he's asked so he hasn't done what I asked, is basically what he said. Well...me not exercising or working on a book doesn't make him feel like a flobby, stretch mark covered piece of crap does it?!...I can't compare to those women... I was 120lbs(before this pregnancy; 105 before the first pregnancy) at 5ft 2in; now I'm third trimester 155lbs with more stretch marks (and probably a left over baby belly...) so my self-esteem is WAY under ground... How am I suppose to feel good about myself when he turns around and gets off on these tiny, slim, no stretch marks chicks all while not having sex with me very often?
    ...he knows it bothers me...which makes it that much worse...
    He's an amazing husband (so please don't say he's not a good husband) and father, and he's intelligent, but he doesnt understand why the porn bothers me despite telling him that it makes me feel like a piece of poo... How else can I explain this to him?


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  • Men watching porn is like women watching cooking channels, it's all shit were never going to do. Who cares.
    kayway85YTuMamaTambien
  • Well, I want to say honestly, so no offense, please. Most people watch porn, there is nothing bad in it, this is their own business. I understand that you don't feel confident now (I have two children, so I really know how you feel), but you have to work on your confidence, because I guess, the problem appeared before this pregnancy. As for your husband, in my opinion, he doesn't respect and support you as he doesn't care about hurting you. I'm not an expert, but I recommend you to talk everything over with him, because you can face bigger issues later. Speaking about porn, if your husband really wants to watch it, you can try doing it with him. Personally I have adult webcams chats together with my husband from time to time. It helps us to spice up our sexual life and he doesn't have to hide that from me. I'm sure that honest conversation is a key to healthy relationships.
  • @melanie2244
    Zombie post galore! Their kid is almost 4 by now!
    stassischroederkiki75b_1029sheknows6
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