Husband Scared of Being a Father

mslisalamb

My husband and I are expecting our first baby any day. Our LO was actually due the 30th! My husband struggles with various mental illnesses (PTSD, anxiety, OCD, depersonalization) and has yet to find the right combination of medication, so I've spent most of my pregnancy taking care of myself. Around month 6 I started getting scared that he wouldn't shape up by the time baby arrived and the "please step up and be the husband I need you be be" fights began. A week ago we had the same fight, resulting in me practically slamming my head against a wall begging for him to realize how much I really need him to be here for me as I've been there for him for 2 years since we've been married as he's been struggling with his different medication combinations. Unfortunately, our fight resulted in me leaving home to stay with family because I got worked up and my belly got really hard as it had all the previous times we had the same fight and I was left disappointed. I am so excited to be a Mom, but he's made it clear he is scared and feels pressured. Boy do I wish he'd set aside himself and be there for me. I've been sleeping on my parents couch for a week and baby could arrive any minute. I've spent months getting my house ready and all of baby's stuff is in its place at my house with my husband, but I certainly didn't want another frustrating fight to induce labor. Everyone swears that he will change once the baby comes, but I really don't know anymore...

xxarlannaxx

mslisalamb said:

My husband and I are expecting our first baby any day. Our LO was actually due the 30th! My husband struggles with various mental illnesses (PTSD, anxiety, OCD, depersonalization) and has yet to find the right combination of medication, so I've spent most of my pregnancy taking care of myself. Around month 6 I started getting scared that he wouldn't shape up by the time baby arrived and the "please step up and be the husband I need you be be" fights began. A week ago we had the same fight, resulting in me practically slamming my head against a wall begging for him to realize how much I really need him to be here for me as I've been there for him for 2 years since we've been married as he's been struggling with his different medication combinations. Unfortunately, our fight resulted in me leaving home to stay with family because I got worked up and my belly got really hard as it had all the previous times we had the same fight and I was left disappointed. I am so excited to be a Mom, but he's made it clear he is scared and feels pressured. Boy do I wish he'd set aside himself and be there for me. I've been sleeping on my parents couch for a week and baby could arrive any minute. I've spent months getting my house ready and all of baby's stuff is in its place at my house with my husband, but I certainly didn't want another frustrating fight to induce labor. Everyone swears that he will change once the baby comes, but I really don't know anymore...

Unfortunately, nobody can swear that he is going to change because nobody really knows for sure. It could go either way, he could hold his child for the very first time and all the worries and stress could melt away and he could just be happy and love this child with a love that is impossible to describe with words...OR... He can see the baby, hear the baby cry and want to bolt for the door faster than a cheetah after an antelope. Sometimes people get stressed out and unhappy because they KNOW themselves and KNOW they are not ready to take on such a responsibility and they do not have what it takes to step aside from themselves and their own wants and needs to focus on caring for another living being. Sometimes they feel pressured, they feel like they have no choice and have to try but if someone is not confident in what it is they're doing, if it is something they really don't want to do then ultimately they are setting themselves up for failure, they are not going to try as hard as they could because they have no motivation, they have no desire to do what they don't want to do. I don't know your husband, I don't know how to help really, I just know that I feel bad that you have to go through this. I just want to offer you some encouragement and let you know that even if you do have to do it by yourself (hopefully it doesn't come to that) you are going to be an amazing mother who takes great care of her child because you love your child. I also want you to know that when the baby gets there, you have to focus on your self and that child because if he can't step up to the plate, you cannot provide and care for EVERYBODY so please don't try to pull it off. You need to focus on taking care of you because the healthier and happier you are the better you will be able to provide and care for your baby. Men have a tendency to freak out, overreact etc so try and keep a little patience and just see what happens after the baby comes, but also please prepare for the worst. Good luck to you, I hope you have a safe and healthy delivery!

SnarkasaurusRex

As someone who suffers from PTSD, I think you're being unfair with expecting your husband to be able to 'set aside himself.' It's really not that simple to just ignore your mental illness and carry on like everything is fine, especially when a big life change is coming up. Goodness knows I've lost my shit at lest 20 times freaking out about how I'm not ready to be a mom, or that I won't be able to be the parent to my son that I want to be. It's tough.

Are you going to counseling? I'm not trying to be presumptuous, but I think it would be beneficial for you both to go to some therapy sessions so that you can both get your feelings out in a safe place. My therapist has been extremely helpful with coming up with different coping mechanisms so I can manage my PTSD without medication, and my husband has learned what to do if I start to have an anxiety episode. It's been extremely helpful for us.

You're in this parenting thing together, and you guys really need to find a way to be able to communicate effectively with one another. It's normal for new fathers to be afraid and insecure (it's a whole new world, after all, and they haven't bonded with the baby for 9 months like you have), but you both need to feel comfortable with talking about issues as they arise instead of bottling them up and letting them become blow-up fights.

No one can know for sure how he will react until your LO gets here. I hope that he is able to conquer his fears and mental illness and step up to be the husband and father that you want him to be, and I hope that you are able to meet him halfway if he's not. Like PP said, don't try to take it all on yourself; get help from family and friends if you need it. Overall, be patient and flexible (within reason). Good luck!

mslisalamb

@xxarlannaxx I sincerely appreciate the words of encouragement. They mean so much. Thank you!

@SnarkasaurusRex I definitely see what you're saying. It's just been really tough. We got married and on our honeymoon he expressed that he was having a hard time so I immediately helped him find therapy and psychiatric help. I was in super wife mode and I figured this was just a season where he'd need me and I needed to set myself aside to be there for him. I finished my bachelors and my masters and worked and took care of the house and bills and hardly bothered him for help while also bending over backwards for him because I sincerely want him to get better. After 2 years of being married now and it still being his "season" despite the fact I'm pregnant and really could've used some support, I definitely have some impatience and hurt built up. I'm working on being sensitive still. It's a toughy. He's not so much into counseling because he already feels like everyone hates him so it automatically feels like an attack even though I totally am with you in that I think it'd be a safe place to share thoughts and work on things. Kinda taking things day by day right now. Currently I'm working on being self sufficient and not really expecting anything from him because being called a nag and a bitch and a control freak when I try to help him be the amazing person I'm positive he can be has gotten old. I'll let him work on him and support him 100% and I can luckily take care of myself. Little bit scared for how that's gonna work with baby, but I have some confidence in myself that I can handle doing it on my own, even if he is in the picture still but just not contributing. Who knows. Thank you though for your words of wisdom!

PrimRoseMama

Can you be clear on exactly what you feel your husband is NOT doing to your satisfaction? Because at this stage he can't parent. Has he supported you? I hear a lot of blanket statements, but no specifics.

I also think you are being unreasonable. Just because the illness is not debilitating in a physical way doesn't mean you are able to just "set it aside" to do whatever someone else thinks you should. You can't just hit pause.

mslisalamb

@PrimRoseMama I didn't want to go too crazy into detail because I already felt like my original post was a novel, but here goes! There are different levels to the lack of support. Some have been consistently rough over the course of the years, and others are good at times and bad at others. It's unpredictable. Here are a few examples though to give you an idea. 

Physically, being pregnant has been tough. The morning sickness, back pain, etc. Regardless of the level of discomfort, my husband is consistently stir crazy and desires to go out and do things (go eat, go drive around, etc.) and I hop up because he shuts down and gets very upset and moody if I say no, but he refuses to even drive because he swears he'll crash and kill us because he's tired. 

He will ask "Do you need anything?" and I'll gently say, well actually yeah I'd love a back rub or some muscle rub! Instead of doing what I asked he'll roll his eyes, stretch himself out in his big lounge chair and kinda smirk as he reminds me where the muscle rub is. If I get upset and really press him to do it for me he starts huffing and puffing and his mood completely shifts to really grumpy. He may do what I asked, but he will do a half assed job. As a result I stopped asking after a while. It's not worth the drama. 

Financially, he does not need to work because he is Native American and receives per cap checks, yet he has a serious spending problem, so I have worked in the past to make ends meet, and he has held jobs for various brief amounts of time as we are supporting ourselves and his family is also living with us right now and we're totally supporting them. That's a whole different story though. He swears that by breathing and having a check direct deposited into the bank account that he has done his share in the marriage. 

Emotionally, I am the "fixer" in my family. When things fall apart I always spring into action to help and make sure everyone is ok. Naturally that trait transferred into my marriage. The wording in my original post wasn't the most ideal in that I am well aware he can't set aside his mental illness, but on numerous occasions I set aside my needs, taking care of myself, my desires, etc. for my husband, so I guess I'm in search of reciprocation. For example, I commuted 80 miles one way to school and was working on a 60 page thesis paper. My husband stayed at home. I'd wake up early to take the dogs out, leave for school but make him breakfast before I left, drive to class, drive home and work on homework, clean up the mess he'd made, make dinner and fight my hardest to stay up late with him to spend time with him. I struggled desperately during this time because the drive, the lack of sleep, and my assignment took a toll. I needed a proof reader but he said my paper was too long and it was too much work, I needed someone to offer to make dinner but he said he was tired, I needed someone to maybe text me words of encouragement while I was at school, I needed someone to maybe take the dogs out so I could sleep in a little on certain days, etc. 

I don't mean to make my husband sound like a total loser, because he's not. He's just in a place right now where he only does things that are convenient for him which leaves my needs entirely unmet. Emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, etc. I don't need a lot. Sometimes I'd love to not have to drive, or to have a little bit of help cleaning around the house or cooking because he is not working and is totally capable, but instead he spends a vast majority of the day sleeping, and when he isn't sleeping he is complaining about how exhausted he is or begging me to take him to go do something because he's bored and doesn't want to sit around in the house.

I got a little bit scared a few times during my pregnancy because my hormones really messed with my head. I have very high standards set for myself, and if I ever act anything less than "perfect" it generally makes my family pretty uneasy, including my husband. I came to him and told him I felt like maybe I was slipping into a little bit of a depression. It took a lot for me to even say anything to him. When I got pregnant and stopped working and was so sick and exhausted I naturally started having a little bit of a hard time and felt very worthless and lazy and like my life was going nowhere and I wasn't sure how to handle all of these negative feelings. I told my husband because I didn't want to freak anyone else out but he brushed it to the side with silly comments like "Don't trip. You're a pimp." I appreciated the way he tried to cheer me up, but then I would say "But Babe I'm really not myself. I never sleep in this long. I don't know why I keep crying for no reason. Things are just oddly hard for me right now." And I'd get a shallow "It'll get better." 

My husband is struggling and has been for a long time. I am not really allowed struggle because I'm taking care of him and myself. If I start struggling and we are both crumbling, I don't know what is going to happen. The times we've fought have been triggered by my moments of weakness where I couldn't handle being the strong one all the time. At those times, I needed my husband to be there for me. I needed a hug, or to be told it was going to be ok, or to be pampered, or for him to ask what I need and really do what I needed. But he got out of doing anything because I'd get so worked up and end up having to calm myself down after getting very short responses to my requests, being called names, twisting my words, making the conversation about what he needs, etc. 

laurasuzanne2006

We have the reverse situation. Yes I work full time, he stays home with our daughter, but I'm the one who suffers from depression/anxiety etc. he knew going into our marriage this was something that we would be dealing with and no medication can really "fix" things. These were things he had to work with and we had to think about prior to having children. I had severe ppd after my daughter was born and he worries about it for this pregnancy as well. We have to work through things together but he also realized that I have limitations that we just have to deal with and that's part of what he signed up for

KateLouise

I get that your DH mental health issues, but honestly he sounds like he's being an ass. 

If he's not willing to see a therapist with you, then maybe you should go alone and discuss ways to help navigate both your husbands health needs, and the communication within your relationship. 

There's only so much one person can do of looking after the other person, and soon you will have a baby to care for, who will demand the bulk of your attention for a time. 

Do you have other support around you? Friends? Family? Who can step in to help out, give you a break etc?

Does your DH have friends or family who can take him out for a drive?

JNOVA2015

You guys need therapy - he needs it alone and you need it together. On his side, there is no magical cocktail of medication that will fix all of his problems. You can't work through the kind of issues you're describing with medication alone. If he refuses to go, that would honestly be a deal breaker for me.

On your side, therapy will help you better understand what he's dealing with and how to effectively cope. There is a line between helping and enabling, and it sounds like you've done some enabling. It also sounds like you could benefit in therapy from better understanding his illness. The fact that you thought he would just set it aside and snap out of it suggests that you don't really understand how these things work.

Out of curiosity, was this a planned pregnancy? His reluctance seems strange to me if its a decision you reached together.