How will your relationship with your parents affect your parenting style?

justyh

Just got into an arguement with my mom and my bf is at work with no phone so I have no one to talk to. Just wanted to see how your relationships with your parents will affect how you will parent your child.

My parents were on drugs most of my life so I definitely will be different in that major way!
My dad is loving, caring, compassionate, and takes care of his family on one income. Although he did have a bad past, he has made up for it all. He is my hero. The only thing is my dad is a major push over, I wish he would stand up for his self sometimes.

My mom is probably the complete opposite, she sits at home doesn't work doesn't clean, her reason for not working is to stay home and take care of my sisters two kids (she literally sits in bed all day and let's them run loose). She spends money and doesn't save and tells my dad wat to spend his money on. She is demanding and selfish. Always plays the victim.

I feel like I want my daughter to know she is important and loved. She will be taught manors and to be kind. She will learn to be clean early on. I want to give her all my attention and not just stick here in front of a TV or phone. I want her to be able to have her own opinion and be comfortable to speak her opinion with respect for others. I'm so afraid of being like my mom but I'm determined to not be like her.

kirsty100

This one is hard I was raised good in away and different to my boyfriend, I was working and have been working since age of 14, where as he has had everything given to him but in saying that I was spoilt as a child also. My dad died when I was 7 my mum remarried my step dad, who is no longer my step dad but father figure thing, they were both crazy on drugs and wasn't nice up bringing even though we got everything we needed and wanted. When my mum left my step dad she blamed me and I was kicked out of home on and off between the ages of 15 and 18. I lived with my grandparents at these times and they taught me a lot. I will raise my children different to how I was raised but I'll never kick them out. My mum and I have a great relationship now I'm glad I was raised the way I was otherwise I could of turned out like that. Also on my boyfriends side he's mums quite like yours pretty much exactly the same and I also don't want to parent like that, I want to be involved ect. Which will by why she won't be babysitting.

LiveNLove44

It sounds like you have a great plan. My dad was raised by a raging alcoholic father and a slightly disconnected mother for most of his life. He is the most incredible father I could have ever imagined. He is so loving, kind, compassionate, selfless, bright, etc. and I think some of that has to do with what he noticed he didn't want to be with regard to how he was raised.

I am blessed with an incredibly strong mother and a loving and compassionate father, both of whom are a perfect match for what I needed growing up. My mom was always the rule-setter, and my dad was always the nurturer. I am very close with my mom now and I think she and I are very similar. My dad and I have always been close, and I'd consider myself a daddy's girl to the core. I want to have the best of what they are to me so I can be that for my daughter and this LO when he's born. If I can be half the parents they are, my kids will also be blessed. I am always learning and growing, and I am sure I'll keep getting better

Birdee212

This is a great question! You don't sound anything like your mom, and the fact that you find her behavior abhorrent probably means you'll rail against falling into the same patterns.

I hope I don't lose my temper with my children like my dad did. We'd be laughing together one minute then he'd flip a switch and starting cursing at me the next. He'd throw the laundry in my face if his clothes were wrinkled. Or he'd call me stupid or raise his fist if I didn't follow directions well. I can't do that to my son. I have a temper of my own and it scares me to think that I won't stay calm when he isn't listening or is defiant. I want to be firm and consistent with discipline but I don't want my child to be afraid of me.

CaitLewis15

@justyh great post. This is probably something we are all wondering.

I think that you've already made the biggest quantum leap: realizing that there is a pattern you don't wish to have repeated in your own family, and consciously choosing to try another route. Along with that step, I would also make sure that you know what resources you have available as you continue along your parenting journey. We all have clay feet, and it seems like family patterns do try to repeat themselves, despite best intentions. Breaking them is hard work, and sometimes takes help from other sources. At least, this has been true for me and my family.

My own father was raised by a nurturing dad who struggled his whole life with depression and self worth issues. My emotionally needy and demanding grandmother was happy to lean on him (hard) throughout their marriage. She always vaguely resented him for having to work, although at one point my grandpa held down 3 jobs just so she didn't have to. I think the strain was just too much for him, and he tried to kill himself when I was a baby. He survived but was crippled for the last decade of his life. So my grandmother became his caretaker, which she did with her usual self pity and resentment.

Talk about a toxic environment for my dad to learn how to be a parent. But somehow he did, although he struggled too with some depression. My mom calls them his blue spells. He is so kind, and loves my brother and me with his whole heart. He also treats my mom like she's the best thing that's ever happened to him and he knows it. But he also has these flashes of temper that are pretty intense. It's never directed at us, but it's startling to see my dad go from mellow to teeth-gritting and profanity-spewing at some offending thing: traffic, broken washing machine, slow lines.

I promised myself I would never react like that to silly, inconsequential things when I was a parent. My temper would never get out of control. So of course, that's my thing now too. I get these flashes of anger and can be really quick to bite someone's head off. My family jokingly says I just got an extra dose of Irish, but I feel so guilty when I see that pattern start to creep back, and I wonder what that does to my own daughter's perception of how relationships work. I was feeling so guilty about this, and brought it up to my mom recently. She told me that she has watched my daughter, husband, and me interact with kindness, respect, and joy in each other's company, and that it's made her so proud of the woman I've become. Whoa, mom. I'm already emotional, and that made me feel so good (translation: cry like a lunatic). Looks like our family has come a long way, and I am at least getting some of it right. I don't know if it's because of, or in spite of, these broken family patterns.

DeeGreer

My mom was very impatient with us when we were tiny and I resented her until I moved out and was out of state a few years. She'd go from joking to spewing profanity and telling us what fuck ups we were for accidentally breaking something or getting dirt inside. She's mellowed out now but I made a conscious decision YEARS ago to get my temper in check. Bring pregnant has been a super reality check and I'm even more aware of how I respond. My dad was the nurture when we were kids and I'm a daddy's girl too. He was at every soccer game, every orchestra recital and every voice competition. He pushed me and was always my number one cheerleader no matter what I was doing. My mom was very strong but any crying, worrying, sadness...that was always unacceptable and we never really talked about things. She was always super factual and very blunt, to a fault. We have a good relationship now but it took me moving to Texas and Louisiana, being gone for 5 years for us to open up. I'd like to be more nurturing than she was and be able to talk to my son. I want to be someone he can trust and come to when he needs anything, even if it's to cry or talk at 1 am.

Carmofrap

I would reply but it would be a book. So summary... I will do the exact opposite in almost every area. Discipline. Diet, activities, friends, curfews, affection, quality time, religion, etc... and so far with my toddler I have.