Can't Agree on Names

bellatrice79

I need to vent. I feel like me and my SO are never going to agree on a name for our girl. I feel like I'm the one doing all the work and popping this baby out. I should have more say! It's really pissing me off. Every name I suggest he doesn't like. I feel like breaking up with him so I can name her what I want and then getting back together after the baby is born. I know it sounds harsh but this is getting annoying. Is anyone else in the same boat? Any creative ways on how to deal? I'm almost at the end of my rope!

kfry22

Learn to compromise?

bbiutmcph

I'm a big believer that it's about compromise and not one having more say than another.  My husband and I struggled with our boys and still are not agreeing on girl names this round.  What does help is that set a date say in a weeks time.  Each person has to bring X amount of names, 10,15 whatever.  We will read each others lists and we each are allowed to veto 1-3 depending on list size immediately if we want to.  We then put them into categories.  Love, Like, Unsure or whatever you want to use. Doing this has always gotten us down to a solid list of names from both of us and then we break them down from there.  Maybe we ask for outsiders opinions, or do a name test like if it works with our last name, sounds good at age 5, 15, 25, 50 or we use just one name for a week, another the next and see what feels right.  I truly believe anyone can compromise on a name. I'm not saying it's without struggle but I don't think one person having ultimate say ever ends well. 

amberrmariee20

Get him to write down a list of names he likes, and you write down a list. Me and my boyfriend agreed right away on the name Liam Joseph, the baby and my boyfriend will the same middle name. Do you have a family name you like ?

bellatrice79

@bbiutmcph thank you for a proposing a sensible approach to the situation. It's definitely worth a try. @kassyfry It isn't about compromising at this point. Even still, Shouldn't he be willing to compromise as well? He already has 2 kids (boy and girl) from a previous marriage and feels like he didn't really get to give his input on their names, so now with me, he's insisting on having a say. This is my first and could be my only.

kfry22

Well if it's his child doesn't he get a say? Yes you are the pregnant one but making a baby requires two people who have to work together to raise the kid, which includes agreeing on a name. I guess that's where my comment came from. I feel like not agreeing on a name for a child is not grounds enough to end a relationship, but that's just me. My husband and I agreed on two names we like. Our deal was if it was a boy, he gets to pick the order of the names (either name for first name or middle name) and if it was a girl I got to name her whatever order of names I wanted. That's where the compromising comes in. I realize he could pick the name order for our boy that I don't like as much but that was the deal we agreed on.

bellatrice79

@amberrmariee20 No, no family names. His daughter's middle name is Rose after his mom and his son has his middle name. I actually gave up the name I wanted for my daughter since I was 14 because he didn't like it. I wanted her name to be Dorian. I even said he could name her middle name and if we had another, he would have the final say. But no, so I gave up that name and keep suggesting others and nothing has stuck. He likes Drew and the only names we have agreed on are Lauren and Bella. I like Lauren but it is quite common. I wanted something unique.

amberrmariee20

bellatrice79 said:

@amberrmariee20 No, no family names. His daughter's middle name is Rose after his mom and his son has his middle name. I actually gave up the name I wanted for my daughter since I was 14 because he didn't like it. I wanted her name to be Dorian. I even said he could name her middle name and if we had another, he would have the final say. But no, so I gave up that name and keep suggesting others and nothing has stuck. He likes Drew and the only names we have agreed on are Lauren and Bella. I like Lauren but it is quite common. I wanted something unique.

Keep looking, you have a long time to decide on a name. Try to look online for names, and get your SO to write the ones he likes down ! Eventually you'll have a few you can narrow down (: !

MommyPhoenix

 

bellatrice79 said:

@bbiutmcph thank you for a proposing a sensible approach to the situation. It's definitely worth a try. @kassyfry It isn't about compromising at this point. Even still, Shouldn't he be willing to compromise as well? He already has 2 kids (boy and girl) from a previous marriage and feels like he didn't really get to give his input on their names, so now with me, he's insisting on having a say. This is my first and could be my only.

I think you've pin-pointed the issue right here; how did he feel when he didn't get to give his input on his first two kid's names? How would either of you feel if you were placed in that position? Having one person have more say than the other is not a good place to be. I agree with both @kassyfryand @bbiutmcph that a compromise is needed. I also like the suggestion that @amberrmariee20 gave to you about each of you listing your picks for names. Maybe you can work from there and if you both still disagree then maybe you can discuss what style of names or meanings that you both like and try to choose a name based on what resonates best with both of you. Hope it all works out.

bellatrice79

@kassyfry I see what you're saying, but I feel like he is the one that isn't compromising. But, I think a good idea is to write the names we like down and split them into categories. Maybe something will come of that (sigh).

bellatrice79

@MommyPhoenix I guess I didn't look at it that way. You're right. I guess I'm used to men who aren't very adamant about these types of things. It just sucks to find a name that you love and can't use it.

ElleMF728

No one should have to name their child something that they don't like. DH vetoed about a thousand and one names that I loved and I did the same to him (we have very different taste).  I actually don't think anyone should even need to compromise when it comes to naming a child.  There are million of names to choose from I'm sure that you can find at least one of them that you both love.  If you don't both love it that is a sign that you should keep looking. 

Try putting yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he was insisting on a name that you didn't care for? Would you be likely to compromise and name your child what he wanted? 

bellatrice79

@ElleMF728 I just don't think any man can insist on anything. Sorry. I mean I get that we need to compromise, but he gave in to his ex on names and she got to name her children what she wanted. He got over it obviously.

ElleMF728

bellatrice79 said:

@ElleMF728 I just don't think any man can insist on anything. Sorry. I mean I get that we need to compromise, but he gave in to his ex on names and she got to name her children what she wanted. He got over it obviously.

My point is that you shouldn't be "insisting" on anything either because this is not only your daughter. Assuming that you are planning to raise this child together it won't be the last time that you don't get what you want just because you want it.  

Did you ever consider that one reason his ex is an ex may be because she refused to be a partner to him and rather did what she wanted regardless of his input or opinion? Do you really want to repeat certain behaviors from his previous failed relationship? The fact that it still bothers him that he didn't get a say the first time around is a pretty good indication that he, in fact, didn't "get over it". 

dchiapella

A great way to at least get a healthy conversation started is just go through a baby book by yourself and circle any and all names you even remotely like. Then read them one by one to your SO and check the ones he even semi likes and scratch the ones he doesn't. Whichever ones you both marked put down on a list. Then depending on the list you choose your top 10 or so, then he does the same. The ones you both picked go on a list. Then your top 5. Etc. This will at least get you guys thinking together on it rather than pulling out the boxing gloves. It doesn't mean that you'll have the perfect name at the end of it but it at least get you guys on the same team. My husband and I have had a much easier time discussing names after doing this, even though we're not even close to a decision and still looking at names not on that list. 

bellatrice79

@ElleMF728 You make some great points. I suppose I just needed a voice of reason to calm me down and a plan of action! I appreciate everyone's advice and definitely plan on using some of the tools suggested so we can come up with a name we both like.

Rikki_5

My tips:

1.  Be open 

2.  Listen to each other's names and really consider them

3.  Don't take rejection of each other's choices personally

4.  Try an "elimination list" as other suggested

5.  Remember all names are great, no one will ever have a "perfect" name

6.  Work together, sit down and look through baby name books "together"

7.  Read the credits for ideas on names after you both watch a movie to see if you like any of them

8.  Remember it takes both of you to agree on the name -- this isn't a one-sided decision

9.  Don't let the naming process start to cause resentment between the both of you

10.  One of you picks the first name/ one the middle name

11.  Table the naming process until closer to the date when it's more "real" or even when baby is born if you really can't agree

12.  Rule out all names of ex bfs/gfs

13.  Remember parenthood is a joint effort!

Sweet Sadie Mae

Umm no don't break up with him to get the name you want. That sounds very childish. My husband doesn't like any name I pick and it made me upset but i started to listen to his suggestions and there are a few I like so we have a very short list to choose from. Have him make a list and keep an open mind because his opinion matters too.