Interesting parenting article — The Bump
June 2015 Moms

Interesting parenting article

So, I get these mommy emails every day and 9 times out of 10 I end up deleting them without reading them, but today's had a subject line of "Why Kids Shouldn't Learn to Share," which definitely grabbed my attention, so I decided to go ahead and give it a read. I was definitely expecting to be all fired up by the end because I guess I've had the "YOU MUST SHARE" thing drilled into my head since I was a kid, but I think that this article brings up some good points. It made me think, at the very least. Obviously since most of our babies aren't even born yet it's a bit early to be thinking about how we're going to be handling sharing (at least for us FTMs), but what do you all think? I'm also really interested in hearing what those of you who already have a kid/kids think, since you've probably already dealt with this issue. 

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Sammy K

Re: Interesting parenting article

  • I've read this before and I thought I'd also be aggravated or annoyed when I was done reading but it really opened my mind into thinking about sharing completely in a different way.
    In ways I really agree but in others I don't but I'm just a kind heart that thinks everyone should be a little more kinder than usual.
    karaelaine1991KaLikeAWind
  • I've read this before and I thought I'd also be aggravated or annoyed when I was done reading but it really opened my mind into thinking about sharing completely in a different way. In ways I really agree but in others I don't but I'm just a kind heart that thinks everyone should be a little more kinder than usual.
    Yeah, the comments about how the "you must share NOW" approach leads to whiny, greedy kids (in regards to the ones who want the toy that's being used by another kid) struck me as possibly valid, but I do wonder how well this would work in practice. Like, what if the kid who had the toy first just didn't want to share it at all? Would you give them a time limit? Because that would still create feeling that they need to rush their playtime that the author apparently wants to avoid. 
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    KaLikeAWind
  • I've definitely had that experience while being a nanny that kids think everything should be even and fair since they were taught you have to share everything. So important to learn that just because Bobby has something doesn't mean that Suzy gets it too...it's a hard balance. I just hope my kids aren't the minority in life of having manners and not being rotten assholes who's parents told them their shit doesn't stink because that's all I see around me :((
    TTC: 1/2014 BFP: 9/24 EDD: 6/8/2015 Sorry for the poor man's siggy...ticker won't load regardless of how many tips I read.
    karaelaine1991KaLikeAWind
  • I support this article in theory and wonder if it truly would yield more patient/ less whiney children when they're not taught that crying leads to getting what they want. I'd be curious to hear from parents who've put this into practice about whether or not their kid has been able to "self share" or whatever they call it. Part of me thinks that it's just human nature to want the toy the other kid has and stop at nothing to get it (i see it in puppies all the time.)
    karaelaine1991KaLikeAWindElRuby
  • I love it. My husband and I have felt this way forever. We will suggest sharing to our daughter when she's playing with others and we do talk to her about how it's a good way to be kind and possibly make new friends, but we don't impose any rules unless she's using something that doesn't belong to her.
    karaelaine1991KaLikeAWind
  • There is definitely a turning point when it is no longer acceptable to expect the "share" mentality... When is that? And how are kids taught that?
    KaLikeAWindkaraelaine1991
  • I've read this article before, too (before I even got pregnant, even) and was really into the concept it exposed me to. Especially since I've been one who bitches about the 'entitlement generation', it would make sense in that forcing a child to share would just reinforce this concept. And yes, I would flip the hell out if some lady went after my kid telling him he needs to share his toy. Both you AND your kid can damn well learn some patience, lady!
    But - I can see it being a difficult line to walk. At what point does defending your kids time with the toy devolve into hoarding the toy just because you can? Like PP said - do you institute a time limit? How does that work? I'm also hoping that I will be able to explain to my kid that he doesn't *have* to share his toy, but that if he does he will probably make a friend and they will have more fun together. I will be the mom who says 'no, your kid doesn't have to share. Mine will wait their turn or find something else to do', tho. Besides, their attention spans are so transient that within a few minutes they will probably have forgotten all about the damn toy, anyway
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    karaelaine1991NotISaidtheCat
  • Sammy KSammy K
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    From my experience, their attention spans are pretty short and 'wait your turn' never takes long. But DS is only 2.5. My problem is the 4 year olds that take toys from the younger kids just so they can't have them. Or the kid that hoards 4 or 5 toys. Then I think the parent needs to explain / enforce sharing. Right now, when DS wants something, it's because he wants it. When he starts wanting things just to deprive someone else, I'll take a different approach.
    karaelaine1991KaLikeAWindElRubyNotISaidtheCat
  • This is how we parent and it very positive for us, though certainly we encounter other parents or family that bristle. The books Siblings Without Rivarly is a great one for seeing many examples of this style in play (even for non-siblings). We do step in when hoarding becomes an issue with our kids ("I have 15 trucks from the common bin in the public sandbox and everyone else has zero, and I'm keeping them all for the whole time.")
    NotISaidtheCatkaraelaine1991virginiaunicorn11
  • ElRubyElRuby
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Sammy K said:

    We started this year to donate toys and books. I thought it would be a fight, but we talked about kids that don't have anything and how we should share what we have with others and even at 2, DS got it. He ran back to his toys and grabbed one more thing. So I think you can teach generosity and patience to toddlers even though they are more complicated than just sharing.

    This is a wonderful practice!
    karaelaine1991virginiaunicorn11
  • ksimo6ksimo6
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member

    This is how we parent and it very positive for us, though certainly we encounter other parents or family that bristle. The books Siblings Without Rivarly is a great one for seeing many examples of this style in play (even for non-siblings). We do step in when hoarding becomes an issue with our kids ("I have 15 trucks from the common bin in the public sandbox and everyone else has zero, and I'm keeping them all for the whole time.")

    Ditto. If our daughter is actively playing with something that another child wants, we do not force her to give it up. When she is done playing with it, then the next child can take a turn. My niece is not a fan of this...but I'm not going to take something away just because she wants it now.
    • Married 6/1/2012
    • BFP #1 - 11/17/2012 -  MC 12/10/2012
    • BFP #2 - 2/12/2013 - EDD 10/17/2013 - DD Born 10/10/2013
    • BFP #3 - 1/29/2014 - Ectopic pregnancy discovered 1/31/2014
    • BFP #4 - 9/28/2014 - EDD 6/4/2015 - DS Born 5/31/2015


    LaurenAnn0405KaLikeAWindkaraelaine1991Sammy K
  • We practice non-sharing in our house with my 4 and 6 year olds. They have their own rooms and know that they must be invited in by the other to enter. But once they have invited the other in they must be willing to share. The same goes for play dates. If they want to have a friend over for a play date they must be willing to share some of their toys. I usually let them help me plan a few activities and pull out some toys so they don't feel like their friends come over and get into all of their stuff. Other than that, all bets are off. They can share if they want to and they don't have to if they don't want to. More often then not they choose sharing over playing alone.
    karaelaine1991KaLikeAWindksimo6
  • ElRuby said:

    Weird I just posted about this... Big problem with that article is too many parents read the title and generate their own ideas of what it means... They totally miss the mark! I get that children should have some control over their items and space but they should not bring toys to parade in front of others (I see this all the time and parents quote this article!). Ugh... Anyway I just let my son know that if he invites friends over or wants to bring toys to a mutual shared space then there is an expectation to share... If he would prefer not share than I expect him to leave the items home or keep then out of view.

    =D> this is my idea of good parenting. And you've put into great words what I was grappling with about this. Thank you, and bravo
    karaelaine1991KaLikeAWindElRuby
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