14weeks & a few days, is this real yet?

straithavoc

(sorry for the long story)

Married at 18, divorced now, I had a miscarriage about 7 years ago, and since then have had normal periods, yet no pregnancies. I was not in a commited relationship since then, but had a couple close times where I thought to myself, 'if I don't end up pregnant, I will be shocked.'(no judgement please.) Not once did I endup being pregnant in 7 years. I brought it up to my OB a couple years ago that it was on my mind that I maybe couldn't concieve. She sort of brushed it off that since my period were normal I shouldn't worry...

Well, (now in a serious relationship, & not ttc) about 10 weeks ago, 14 weeks now, my period was about 3 days late, didn't think much of it but decided to grab a test just for giggles. I have never been in so much shock in my life when I saw it turn positive in seconds. (my first pregnancy took about 9 weeks to show up on a at home, I knew something wasnt right, then miscarried a few days later) 

ANYWAYS, I had my first appointment at 8 weeks, where they did an ultrasound and blood test and the works to confirm. Even saw my little seahorse, and was given pictures. Went to my 12 week appointment where I got to hear the heartbeat. I go back in about a week and a half for my 16 weeks.

Don't get me wrong, I cried with joy at both appointments.... yet this still doesn not feel real one bit. I know I need to just calm down and be thankful I've made it this far...

I had some pretty normal morning sickness that has seemed to die down a bit, just when I smell something a little off, boobs don't even hurt anymore, wish my face would clear up too. LOL. I don't have much of a bump, mainly just look bloated.

Is there any other ladies who had similar feelings, and when did it finally feel real, maybe first movement, or when you find out the sex, or really start to show?

Miz_Liz

A lot of this varies greatly from woman to woman - some don't show or feel any movement until well into the 20 something weeks. They say for FTM's you MAY start to feel movement around week 16, but honestly with my first, I was probably around week 26 before I did (but my placenta was in the front). Movements don't get very consistent until around week 28 - so you may feel small flutters then nothing for a week, and that is normal. The "flub" phase sticks around for quite some time before you have an actual bump. As for when will it feel real - my DS is almost 3 and I am still waiting for it to feel real that I am a mom (preg with #2), so no clue, I wonder that regularly myself!

csy2947

I had some trouble conceiving (PCOS, took about 16 months, nowhere near what some women go through but stressful) and it took me awhile to really feel like it was real. I still struggle a little bit. Finding out that its a girl was definitely a big nudge towards making the whole thing seem like the real deal. And my stomach has really started to pop out in the last week and that is REALLY making it seem real (in a less fun way lol). It's hard to let yourself feel hopeful, I had a couple close calls (early miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy) so really put up an emotional wall with this one. It gets harder and harder to keep it up every day though and I think thats a good thing

Let yourself feel it and enjoy it as it progresses...the crazy emotional love part will come when you're ready (or I keep telling myself it will!)

SantistevanMommie

It didn't feel really real until I felt her kick for the first time. I guess it seemed kinda real when I found out she was a she but the first time I felt her kick I almost cried in the welfare office (where I first felt her). I'm 22wks 5 days now

straithavoc

@Miz_Liz I Also wonder if it will feel real after too! Haha. My sister has a 1 year old and she often says it doesn't feel real she's a mom!

Thank you ladies for your comments! I'm thinking once I know the sex or feel Beebs move it will feel more real!! ♡

chelsea+summer

I'm just over 20 weeks, I'm barely showing. It still doesn't feel real, but it did become more real when I had a 3D scan and found out I was having a little girl! Still haven't felt her kick or anything. So I guess it'll become more real when I show more and feel her

PhoenixRyuu

I have quite a similar story, but that I have been married almost 13 years and we did undergo fertility treatments, though we balked at the cost of IVF and decided to let it go at that point. I have had many miscarriages, so many that I refuse pregnancy testing until I miss my second period. I am certain of 6, 5 before I started delaying testing and 1 at 11 weeks 2 days. That was the most recent, and should have indicated to me that maybe I should be a bit more careful, but I figured that being 34 and after nearly a decade of no birth control, 4 years of charting and meds and active trying, only getting pregnant once in my life without active trying and only carrying one pregnancy past that 8 week mark that the doctors were right and I couldn't have a baby without medical intervention. I cut off any attempt to conceive at 32 because of the increased risks, and we rearranged our lives with the idea that we would not have children, including me going back to work as a diesel mechanic. I'm sure you understand more than most my shock when after one night of "I'm probably ovulating right now, but, oh, to heck with it, I can't get pregnant anyway" in January I was looking at two lines in April. "It was just once" is NOT supposed to happen to people with diagnosed secondary infertility (and, yes, when you've been charting for years on end, you start being able to tell when you're about to ovulate, but it never mattered before). I am now doubly shocked as I will be 16 weeks this Sunday. I still can't believe I'm in my second trimester. I still haven't told work. I'm really still waiting for the miscarriage, though on some level I know I need to start backpedaling a little bit and preparing for the possibility of a baby, but that's not easy. I moved downtown into a tiny house sized just for myself and my husband which boasts the worst schools in the state, got rid of the car that sat parked in front of my house at all times because I'm a couple blocks from the metro, didn't bother with health coverage and basically have spent the past couple years doing everything precisely the opposite of what I would do if the possibility of children existed.

I, too, just have that kind of bloated look. I'm carrying very high, which makes sense when you consider my primary conception problem and the cause of my recurring miscarriages is low progesterone and an incredibly short LP of 8-10 days. Those couple extra days to implant lower would have been make or break. That being said, my fertility problem is only a first trimester issue. Now that my Hcg is so high, it's pretty much impossible for me to have a low progesterone miscarriage. Still, I can't bring myself to really get attached either. I don't want to know the sex, don't want to pick names, don't want to do anything at this point except ignore it. Is it possible to be happy and angry at the same time? Surely I don't need to explain the happy, but on one level, I tried for so long, but on another, I had not only given up and come to terms with that, but completely reordered my life in so many ways that it's probably one of the worst things that could have happened to me right now and had I considered it a possibility I would have rolled over and gone to sleep that night. I'm angry that it didn't happen all those years ago when I had a room set aside, a higher paying job with good insurance (that I didn't like as much, but that wasn't the point), lived in a good school district and a "safe" area, etc. I think one of the hardest things is trying to forgive myself for being angry in the first place, and that's after I was even able to admit to myself that I was angry. It's not how you're supposed to feel, I guess. It should feel like a miracle, and in a lot of ways it does, but in others it feels like an intrusion, like some evil god is playing out the whole be careful what you wish for thing on my life. I changed my life for a child that never came, tried for years, then worked through the grief and the loss, had closure, moved on and now, years after I closed the book on that part of my life all those wounds get ripped back open and the life I'd started building for myself is getting torn to shreds. 

Maybe nobody else will be able to understand this, but I figure if anyone, someone that has walked a similar path to get to the same place I am right now. 

LaurenNK

PhoenixRyuu I can't say that I'm anywhere near having rearranged our lives, but DH and I have been together 15 years (married 5), tried for 3 years, did IUI's last summer until our savings ran out, then decided to back off, at least for a while.  

We decided to focus our energies and money on rebuilding our savings for our dream farm and whatever else came our way would if it were meant to be.  I had gotten to a place where I was happy imagining my farm, either with or without kids, and was getting more hours at work, and generally finding my way to inner peace.

I never had a date in mind to stop TTC, I'm 32 and figured we'd just never use BC again and if it happened we'd be glad and maybe be high risk, but see where it led.

We got our BFP this Valentine's Day.  I have taken maybe 3 at home tests in my life because a) I'm cheap b) I never liked those few anxious minutes.  I always felt like my hope rose 10 times higher than if my period were late by a day.  Looking back at my years of charts, longer cycles here and there coupled with some occasional extra symptoms, I think I had a few chemical pregnancies thrown in, but this was the only time I ever saw actually saw a plus sign on a little stick.

For the first several weeks I struggled with some anxiety; we tried so hard for so long, why now?  how is this going to possibly go how we want now?  if it was so hard to get pregnant, then it must be hard to stay pregnant, etc...  

One thing that is interesting to me is that I am proud that I had mostly worked my way into accepting that we may never be parents to biological children.  I was learning to focus on the other things in my life that give me a sense of happiness and fulfillment, and I think that is likely the most important thing that I took from our struggles.  That and the fact that DH and I are still strongly connected and communicative and were focusing on a new goal together.

Be proud of how far you went (and survived) emotionally.  That is a LOT of personal growth and knowledge of your inner self to be able to work through this stuff.  Anger is fine and doesn't require forgiveness, just acknowledgment of the root cause, acceptance, and then to move on.  Life is stupid sometimes and it's thrown a special pile of crap at you.  It's all fixable, though.    You won't have to worry about the school district for several years, nor will your LO need to be running around in your yard for a while yet.  You've got time and the brains to work out whatever will make you guys more comfortable having a LO.

straithavoc I totally understand it not feeling real.  I was super lucky and my midwife found the heartbeat on doppler at my 9week check, but only for a couple seconds.  We heard it again at 13 weeks, for a good long while, but outside of that office it doesn't feel so real.  Other than my pants pinching I can't tell anything is changing inside of me.  I'm hoping it's not long till I get some flutters (15 weeks today), then I think it will really sink in and be "real".

PhoenixRyuu

Lauren, it sounds like you went a long way to get here too and thank you for sharing that. Congrats - I'm so happy for you and your husband, and that is so cool that you got your BFP on Valentine's Day! What a wonderful memory that will be for you in the years to come. I remember when we decided to stop the fertility treatments and decided to let things happen if they would. I heard a lot of stories from people at that point about those who'd been through years of treatments and then decided to let it happen if it happened and stopped treatment only to get their BFP a few months later or a year later but never actually met anyone who'd had it happen, so I was wondering if these were real stories or fertility clinic legends. 

My best advice for the possible chemicals that it seems like you might have had (it bothers me too sometimes even though I won't test, I'll wonder, which defeats the purpose) and the other worries about loss as someone who has been there a lot is to recognize the validity of the feelings, evaluate and manage the actual risk to the best of your ability and then try to put the rest out of your mind, particularly given the fact that you are in your second trimester now and loss at this point is very rare. Things that cause very early losses have no bearing on later pregnancy at all, so even if you've had as many early losses as I have, it doesn't matter anymore, at least not with regard to this pregnancy. I know it's not always that easy. That's something I'm still working on myself - I know the medical information and the statistics, but once in a while the feeling creeps back up on me. This is kinda gross, but we're probably all having the same symptoms here, so with the second trimester discharge, every once in a while I get gripped with this fear that I'm bleeding and have to run off from whatever I'm doing to make sure I'm not or I absolutely can't function. I just let myself have that - I mean, I'm already running to the bathroom to pee 20 times a day, so what's a couple more? Also, it helps to talk about it, really. You can build up fears in your mind so much when you're alone because it's basically a one sided argument. so you can escalate it forever with nothing to contradict you, but once you start talking to someone else and getting their perspective, it can be helpful at realizing when your fears are valid and when they are a little irrational, hormonal or whatever and help you let it go a little bit. Since you, like I do, have a supportive spouse, let yourself lean on him a little when you need to. If yours is anything like mine, he wants to be there for you and the baby as much as he can and he probably has his own fears and concerns that he'd like to get out. 

StefmDek

Every woman is different.

Some women show earlier than others, some show later than others. Usually a woman who has had previous pregnancies show earlier and feel the baby sooner.

You find out the sex around 15-22 weeks.  With my first I found out at 17 weeks, with my second he was being stubborn and didn't want to work with the ultrasound tech so I found out around 22 weeks!

I have never miscarried, but I know how it feels to be so shocked you don't feel pregnant... with my first son I was a teen, 17. 

I had him at 18 but I took tests and they were all negative until 12 weeks!  Some women just don't produce much HCG in the beginning. 

With my second son I was trying so I didn't feel that way, I soaked it allll up and loved it, had no issues at all with him.

I just found out I am pregnant with my third child, and believe me it was not planned. I am 14 weeks and still in shock! 

I don't even feel pregnant sometimes because it wasn't something I planned on.. I have severe acne too so I can sympathize. Other than iron issues, fatigue, dizziness and acne.. I don't really feel all that pregnant.  I do have an ultrasound picture that I keep up in my room to kind of "knock me into reality" sometimes. It is exciting.. but we can just give it time.. our bellies will be huge, we will want to hurry up and finish this journey haha, tired and huge.  Enjoy being small now, I know I am. Fit those pants while you can lol..

WDDCH

Having a miscarriage makes it feel a little harder to connect (at least it did for me). You want to protect yourself from not getting too attached so if something happens you aren't heartbroken. It's NORMAL to feel this way. You still love baby, very much, but it's still so abstract to think a little human is growing in there at this point.

For some women it finally clicks when they hear the heart, for some it's the sonogram, others it is those first kicks and others it isn't until baby is in their arms!

kderham

We struggled with unexplained infertility for 5 years before I found out I was pregnant - I had completely given up and we were actually considering adoption or just living life without kids. It took a while for me. I think it wasn't until I was showing - and it was clearly baby not just too many Christmas goodies - that I really let myself feel connected. And it was something I had to work at, daily. My son is almost 3 and I'm cooking #2 now and I'm having similar struggles this time around. The challenges and pain of infertility never leave you, no matter how great the outcome. I still cry every mother's day just because that pain still lurks just under the surface (maybe I need therapy). A lot of women say that once they find out the gender they feel better and let themselves connect, especially because that's when a lot of people start talking names and planning the babies life (nursery, hospital, etc) rather than just the pregnancy. Its hard to let yourself be vulnerable like that but you will get there. Good luck. 

p_stone

Phoenix and others I hear you. Our IF road was not nearly as long but when we finally conceived after a miscarriage and turning to hormone therapy i didn't tell anyone, not even our parents, until 4 months. When I went into labor at 35+ weeks we had not bought a single baby item or brought one into the house. i just couldn't accept it i was so worried it would jinx the whole thing.

Now, two more miscarriages later (after that successful childbirth) and in my mid-forties it appears I am expecting again, moving into the second tri. But i haven't had a scan since week 12 testing and about every other day I tell my DH i might have a missed miscarriage. we have told no one else. And, frankly, I'm not able to even say the word "p….gnant" out loud. It's very exasperating to DH but he does his best to humor my fears but also push back on them. It's true you never totally leave infertility behind. some posters here have made excellent points about drawing strength from what we've overcome and from the decisions we have made with our lives, things we can control, since we can't control infertility.