Need advice re: Grandma (long)

AmberM2013

My DD is 5 years old. When she was little we lived with my parents for about a year and a half and my mother grew a very strong bond with her. (I have since gotten married and had another child.) She picks up DD almost every friday after school and then brings her back home Saturday morning/afternoon (DS is still too little for sleep overs at grandma's). I love how much my mother loves my child but I am starting to feel as though she thinks DD is hers. She is constantly questioning my parenting style and pushing advice even if it is not asked for. And if I do not follow said advice she takes offence. Serious offence, like asking if i thought she was a bad mother. Mind you, she was a great mom.

DD started Kindergarten back in August, gained a new brother and has now developed a horrible attitude. So, things have been rough at home as I am trying to find the most effective way to parent MY CHILD. Since I am very close to my mom and I do not have very many girlfriends I call my mom to vent...about DD, work, DH, housework, etc. My mother has called me a Drill Sargent, thinks I am too hard on her, and says I am too critical. She says I never have positive things to say about DD, but I do not feel this is true. I call and tell her everything exciting/good going on in DD's life. I love my DD with everything I am. I just feel my mother should be there as a listening ear, as she is still my parent. 

Also, when my mother is around and DD is misbehaving or snapping at/disrespecting my mom, I immediately try to correct her and my mother does one of two things, she will either roll her eyes while making comments under her breath or she will tell me to stop it so she can handle it. I believe that I am the parent and should not have to bite my tongue when it comes to my child, NO MATTER WHAT.

Am I wrong for feeling that way? Should my mother be my supporter and remember that she is still my parent? How would you handle this?

Ps. DD is not being abused or neglected in any way (has been spanked 2 times ever) and she is a very loved and cared for little girl

Thank you for you help in advance ladies!

suziq1978

**Lurking**

I actually have similar problems with my oldest daughter and my parents and we let it go too long and now we can't fix it.  My daughter is 14 and she treats her grandma like her mom and me like a sister.  If my daughter misbehaved, my mom would scold me if I disciplined her (saying I was being too harsh) or she would scold me if I didn't discipline her (saying I shouldn't let her misbehave).  My daughter quickly realized that grandma was in charge and not mom.

The best advice I can give you is to nip this in the bud now.  Seriously, you're probably going to have to have a heart to heart with your mom and explain what she is doing and how it is affecting your relationship as a mother with your daughter.  I wish I would have had a conversation with my mom about this 10 years ago.  I have had conversations with my mom recently and she has changed the way she acts, but my daughter is so used to grandma being in charge that her attitude toward me is terrible.  We are working on it, but it is a long road since I let this go for so long.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything goes well.

marijaa333

I'm still waiting to give birth but have started to put up serious boundaries.  When we told my parents we were expecting, I asked them not to offer unsolicited advice, because I know how opinionated and forceful my mom can be. They have surprisingly respected this request for the most part. I've also declined their visits when things were too stressful at work and school, guided by past experience of them becoming offended when I can't devote my attention to them (and my mother subsequently writing long, horrible emails about what a terrible daughter I was).   It breaks my heart to have to keep them at a distance, but I feel I have had no choice. My sanity and my relationship with my husband is now the #1 priority because we need to ensure a peaceful, stress-free environment for the baby. I hope we will be able to work out a better relationship with my parents (and specifically, my mother) in the coming years, but only time will tell.

My advice is to recognize the problems (as you are doing), think of a few possible solutions, choose one, and then stick with it. Good luck.

estefyp4

First off its great that you have a close relationship with your mother this in turn should give your daughter a good example of a grown mother-daughter relationship but since you are now an adult you must separate motherly talks and advise with calling your mom to vent on bad days (from experience this is the worst thing you can do since you are blurring the lines of mother/friend) sure she can be both but you have to filter yourself to a certain extent so that she may recognize and respect you as an adult and mother and not only as her daughter.. as PP you have to talk to her and let her know what you are feeling and what you want your relationship to be with her as well as the kind of relationship you want her to have with your daughter and as with anything be consistent don't give in to your old ways because its convenient.. also look into finding other moms/friends in your same kind of lifestyle- like with children and have similar likes.. a great place to meet others is meetup.com you can find local groups of moms that have play meet-ups which also allows your child to socialize outside of a school setting.. story time at your local library is another great place to meet other moms as well.