shower faux pas — The Bump
Baby Showers

shower faux pas

I recently received an invitation to a shower for a close friend, and while I'm very excited to attend and purchase her a nice gift, there are a number of things about the invitation that I need some advice on. The invitation requested a book instead of a card, a contribution of diapers for a "diaper raffle," and a instructions for participating in "baby pool" (gambling on the sex, birthdate, etc. of the baby). All of these items struck me as rude, but I'm also cognizant that the MTB had nothing to do with these things, the faux pas was the host's. So, my question is, should I participate in these activities, even though it makes me somewhat uncomfortable as a guest? The last thing I would want to do is embarrass the MTB or make her feel bad in anyway. For the record, I have no problem financially buying a book and diapers and contributing to the "pool;" I just may need to adjust the budget for the gift a tad. Thoughts?
Coffee Bean Born 6/13/15.
2nd round exp 8/20/18.
Meow.
«1

Re: shower faux pas

  • You don't have to participate in anything you don't want to. I find all of these things really tacky.

    I can get a nice card for 99 cents just to write a simple message on. Even "The Cat in the Hat" is running $6 on Amazon right now. When I go to a shower, I have a budget for the gift. Usually that is about $30 for people I'm not really close with. A book & diapers would cut that down to $15... so MTB would get maybe a pack of milk bibs or bottles? I'd rather give her a nicer gift personally considering that she doesn't know yet which diapers will work for her baby and I have no idea which books she already has. I really don't get the diapers thing - we are pretty choosy with brands because of different chemicals and not all diapers are created equal. I'm thinking in a diaper raffle you would just get lots of cheap diapers and many the wrong size or that will leak from improper fit. It seems like such a waste. 

    Get her the gift you want to and ignore the raffles and books if you don't want to do that. She won't notice with everything else going on! 
    BabyFetus Ticker
    HeavenBlessedMomFemShep
  • Personally I would feel more uncomfortable not participating. I usually figure about $40-50 for a baby shower gift. So if you participate in with books and diapers, and a pool, just pick something smaller to give as the actual gift, such as a cute outfit.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I personally like including a book (with a sweet note written in it, if it's a close friend or relative), but I wouldn't participate in all of these compulsory activities. Crazy that they want to add three extra things to a regular baby shower!
  • I would buy a gift & that's it.

    You can offer to man the list or otherwise "help" with the games vs. Participate in them.


    LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:



    Lilypie First Birthday tickers

  • No one is going to kick you out if you dont' participate in some or all of those requests.  They are REQUESTS.  If you'd rather put all your $$ towards the actual gift (as I do), then do it.  No need to break up your budget to be involved in these other things.
  • I would not participate. I usually buy a book instead of a card regardless, just because I think that cards are annoying and a waste of money. So I either buy a book, or just spend the extra money (that I would have spent on the card) and put it into the actual gift. I have never once participated in a diaper raffle or anything else. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic 
    LaurenNKprettynp01
  • Um no! Everyone in my area does the card instead of book, and diaper raffles. It's so common, that people bring diapers and a book along with their gift because they expect it. I don't like it and wouldn't throw one like that for a friend, unless she had requested it. It is demanding of people to ASK for certain things as gifts. A registry is out of my taste too, but the point of a registry is to make a list of things you will be buying anyways. Some people want to know exactly what you want, but others find it rude. If you don't want to, don't participate in it. Bring what you want. It will be busy and they shouldn't recognize OR complain about any gift you have for them.
    Skysmom87
  • MamaOwl15MamaOwl15
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    edited February 2015
    Books and diapers are both good gifts, IMO, but telling your guests what to bring I find tacky (unless the theme is "bring your favorite children's book" or something like that). This seems tacky to me in particular because I'm guessing that these items are expected in addition to whatever MTB is registered for.

    a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Tips"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1c2dc3.aspx" alt=" Pregnancy Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
  • Oh jesus! I thought you could choose from those things but you HAVE TO take all of it? the host is not thinking right.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker




    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Dictating how someone spends their money is so tacky! I would probably just bring a gift and side eye the hell out of the other "festivities".
  • I usually hate when people call things 'tacky' but Baby Shower games are just silly. The mama-to-be never likes the games either! 

    And diapers are something people need to be careful on...not everyone is going to use just any old brand on their little one. I wouldn't spend money on things like that, unless specifically noted what kind of diapers (brand and size) on the registry. 

    I like to show up with gift cards to these sorts of parties...

  • I think these cutesy little extras have really gotten out of hand. I have a certain amount I spend on a shower and when this silliness is included, the cost is deducted from that amount, not added to.
    BooBerry137
  • I find that all these ideas are off pinterest... Many hosts, myself included, would like to make the shower special and different so guest are not bored with traditional shower practices and turn to pinterest for ideas. Unfortunately guests think it's tacky when the goal of the particular suggestion is to give MTB something different than the normal stack of cards or measure how big around mom's is. The diaper raffle can be helpful, as a host my BFF MTB loved that she got so many diapers, all shapes and sizes since she had no idea which would work best for her DD. she was able to return what didn't work for those that did. As a guest I won a diaper raffle and used the gift card for my own diaper cost.

    I don't see any of these as being tacky since they are suggestions not requirements for attendance and just wanted to offer some insight to the thought process of the host and possibly MTB.
    AdaliaAngel
  • Don't feel uncomfortable not participating and I do not believe in the requesting a baby book on top of a gift And pampers then raffles and gambling on top that is so expensive. This ain't las vegas normally in my area we have a traditional babyshower which you give a gift of your choice or from registry. Then if you want to have a diaper party for the men that is where they bring a pack of diapers as admission to the party which is usually a BBQ with lots of beer and there might be gambling but a pack of diapers being 10 bucks and gambling like a few dollars mostly you would only spend about 30 depending on how much you do. Honestly I would just give them a gift or just the pampers and a book unless they where close family and then I might do more.
  • I like the idea of a diaper raffle. It doesn't matter what size or brand you buy, they can return them and get the size they need. The book thing is cool, too, and more personal, but the problem I have with that is that you're probably going to get the same ones over and over, and if the guests sign them as a card, you can't return them and you're stuck.
    I'd never do both at the same shower though because then it does get expensive.

    Married 4/13/13

    Loss at 6 weeks 5/4/2013

    Loss at 9 weeks 12/2013

    Healthy baby boy 7/12/15

    Due 1/6/18

  • edited April 2015

    Don't feel uncomfortable not participating and I do not believe in the requesting a baby book on top of a gift And pampers then raffles and gambling on top that is so expensive. This ain't las vegas normally in my area we have a traditional babyshower which you give a gift of your choice or from registry. Then if you want to have a diaper party for the men that is where they bring a pack of diapers as admission to the party which is usually a BBQ with lots of beer and there might be gambling but a pack of diapers being 10 bucks and gambling like a few dollars mostly you would only spend about 30 depending on how much you do. Honestly I would just give them a gift or just the pampers and a book unless they where close family and then I might do more.

    It took me twelve read-throughs to even begin to comprehend what you're saying, and I'm still not sure I understood it. 
    DS1: BFP 04/03/11 | EDD 12/02/11 | born 11/21/11 
    DS2: BFP 02/09/13 | EDD 10/26/13 | said goodbye 06/02/13
    BooBerry137ombradellarosaMamabeagle
  • Don't feel uncomfortable not participating and I do not believe in the requesting a baby book on top of a gift And pampers then raffles and gambling on top that is so expensive. This ain't las vegas normally in my area we have a traditional babyshower which you give a gift of your choice or from registry. Then if you want to have a diaper party for the men that is where they bring a pack of diapers as admission to the party which is usually a BBQ with lots of beer and there might be gambling but a pack of diapers being 10 bucks and gambling like a few dollars mostly you would only spend about 30 depending on how much you do. Honestly I would just give them a gift or just the pampers and a book unless they where close family and then I might do more.

    It took me twelve read-throughs to even begin to comprehend what you're saying, and I'm still not sure I understood it. 
    My super special decoder ring says she doesn't agree with requesting books and a diaper raffle in one shower because it can all get expensive, but it's okay to have a separate diaper raffle for a dad's shower.
    I'm an opinionated lurking lurker who lurks and offers advice and admonition as needed. You've been warned of my lurking nature.

    image

    BooBerry137
  • Don't feel uncomfortable not participating and I do not believe in the requesting a baby book on top of a gift And pampers then raffles and gambling on top that is so expensive. This ain't las vegas normally in my area we have a traditional babyshower which you give a gift of your choice or from registry. Then if you want to have a diaper party for the men that is where they bring a pack of diapers as admission to the party which is usually a BBQ with lots of beer and there might be gambling but a pack of diapers being 10 bucks and gambling like a few dollars mostly you would only spend about 30 depending on how much you do. Honestly I would just give them a gift or just the pampers and a book unless they where close family and then I might do more.

    It took me twelve read-throughs to even begin to comprehend what you're saying, and I'm still not sure I understood it. 
    Commas and periods are not your friend :( and they really should be.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    TTC #1 - Nov '14
    BFP 2/3/16  EDD 10/16/16
    DS born 10/18

    LFAF: Frankly Disturbing
  • I like the idea of books and diapers. I count the cost as part of the budget and buy a $20 item from the registry to go along with them.
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • crason said:

    I like the idea of books and diapers. I count the cost as part of the budget and buy a $20 item from the registry to go along with them.

    @crason And those items could be your gift, if you choose.  I don't like giving diapers as a gift and I don't think I should be asked for them.  I personally prefer to pick out my gift without extra demands being made.


    FemShepCatsAreShadySaratiffSassenach1743
  • crason said:

    I like the idea of books and diapers. I count the cost as part of the budget and buy a $20 item from the registry to go along with them.

    @crason And those items could be your gift, if you choose.  I don't like giving diapers as a gift and I don't think I should be asked for them.  I personally prefer to pick out my gift without extra demands being made.



    This exactly. I don't like being made to feel that I must give a certain, specific gift, and no matter how much you protest the raffles and books are "optional", it doesn't feel that way. Let me give the gift I want to, please.
    CatsAreShadySaratiffSassenach1743maddynnugget
  • My friend is throwing a shower for me and wanted to do the "book instead of a card" thing, which I thought was a nice idea. That being said, I wouldn't expect anyone to feel they needed to buy a book if they'd rather not, just as I would not be at all offended if someone came without a gift at all! I wouldn't worry if you don't want to participate, your friend should understand that just your presence and the thought to bring any contribution is more than enough : )
  • If they're asking for books instead of cards, I'd assume the MTB wanted books instead of cards and the host is passing that request along.

    Lots of people make that request, but I find it tacky.

    Take part of you want; if it's not too much of an inconvenience. But I wouldn't go out of my way for it. You're not going to be rude for not complying with rudeness.
    BabyFetus Ticker

  • YogaSandyYogaSandy
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited May 2015
    I don't like to take part in the extras. So I don't. BUT they can diminish an already thoughtful gift. I picked out a very thoughtful gift for a MTB that I know - before receiving the shower invite. It included my fave children's book that I read to DS all the time. And wipes. Then the invite asks for book instead of a card. Well, that makes a focal point of my gift look like not a gift. Had it asked for wipes too, a chunk of the gift would have felt like it didn't count bc those are extras. It would have looked like my whole gift was a Sophie and colic kit - which it was not.

    ETA as an English teacher / literacy coach / currently working on reading specialist qualifications - I feel books are very important. Sidelining them to cards makes them seem important. Books are always going to be part of my gift based on my background and education.
    CEB37Chichigo
  • I don't understand what the problem is? Most nice cards I see are around $6 which is as much as or more than a book. Makes sense to me since cards don't get saved and books do...
  • I don't understand what the problem is? Most nice cards I see are around $6 which is as much as or more than a book. Makes sense to me since cards don't get saved and books do...
    I can get a nice, meaningful card for $1-$2.  A nice book?  Not so much.

    I went to a shower once where they requested books instead of cards.  Want to know how many copies of Goodnight Moon she got?  3.  There were duplicates of a few other popular children's books as well.  And if they are written in, the MTB can't return them.  It's best if the MTB registers for books to avoid a) asking people to give additional gifts and b) having to return/exchange books or being stuck with duplicates because they aren't returnable. 
    Because fall

    image
    DrillSergeantCatChichigo
  • My host decided to do a book raffle in place of cards. Honestly, I wouldn't be offended in the least if no one participates. I wasn't aware until I received the invitation myself. It has been well-received in my social group, as it's mostly family and they bring books to every occasion anyway. We are all big book people, though and have several teachers in the family. I can definitely see how it would be tacky to have a book raffle, on top of a diaper raffle and a pool. I will be happy to have the guests just show up. I'm financially able to provide everything baby needs, I'm more excited to have everybody getting together.
  • In theory, I like the book instead of a card idea. However, as several others have mentioned, it's hard to not duplicate books.

    We received a lot of disposable diapers for my shower, with encouragement from the hostess. I planned in using cloth, registered for cloth, but no one thought I'd stick with it. I gave the disposables to a friend with a son two months younger than mine.
    Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Parent of Baby Boy M, born December 2013 Angels: Miscarriage @ 9 weeks, May 2015, Chemical Pregnancy November 2015



    Lilypie Maternity tickers
  • I don't think a book instead of a card is too bad. I like it. The diapers are weird to me- if someone needs help buying diapers, they shouldn't be having a baby imo. I'm not saying that's the case - but just commenting on the idea of "diaper parties" in general. It's a strange concept to me.

    Regardless, only buy what you're comfortable with. I don't think you HAVE to participate in all.

    Feb '16 Siggy Challenge: Favorite Thing About Fall: Haunted Houses and Scary Movies! 
    image

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I like the book for a card idea, and I just subtract what I paid for the book from my baby shower gift budget. That's their choice and they have to know that.

    As a teacher, I LOL at the multiple copies- they get passed to those book drops and used boxes at the library, where I can buy them for a quarter! Half my classroom library has inscriptions in the front cover, with things like, love you! From grandma!
  • Chichigo said:

    In theory, I like the book instead of a card idea. However, as several others have mentioned, it's hard to not duplicate books.

    We received a lot of disposable diapers for my shower, with encouragement from the hostess. I planned in using cloth, registered for cloth, but no one thought I'd stick with it. I gave the disposables to a friend with a son two months younger than mine.

    I plan to cloth diaper as well, and have had some horribly rude comments from Fiancé's side of the family about it. I can't wait to be a rude bi*** and say thanks for all the useless diapers I won't be using, and for wasting my time making a registry with EXACTLY what I want on it, and giving me a crap ton of "gifts" I'll literally be throwing in the trash later.

    Also I love the book idea. We did that for my little sister, and they only received a couple duplicates. Remember that kids don't take care of things like this anyway, and having a backup isn't the end of the world!
  • Chichigo said:

    In theory, I like the book instead of a card idea. However, as several others have mentioned, it's hard to not duplicate books.

    We received a lot of disposable diapers for my shower, with encouragement from the hostess. I planned in using cloth, registered for cloth, but no one thought I'd stick with it. I gave the disposables to a friend with a son two months younger than mine.

    I plan to cloth diaper as well, and have had some horribly rude comments from Fiancé's side of the family about it. I can't wait to be a rude bi*** and say thanks for all the useless diapers I won't be using, and for wasting my time making a registry with EXACTLY what I want on it, and giving me a crap ton of "gifts" I'll literally be throwing in the trash later.

    Also I love the book idea. We did that for my little sister, and they only received a couple duplicates. Remember that kids don't take care of things like this anyway, and having a backup isn't the end of the world!
    At my shower I received a box of diapers from someone who I had told I was planning to cloth (we work together in the environment field!) she had laughed when I told her and said something about it not being handy.

    I was a little offended when that was what she brought, but you know I shrugged it off, smiled and said thank you. Those diapers came in handy when my son had a terrible diaper rash and I had to use diaper cream :)

    I did not receive a single thing from my registry, but everything was heartfelt and I felt so loved. It was definitely a welcome to motherhood party for me!!
    DrillSergeantCatMercyC1130
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards