Am I wrong?

triciaj1

I don't post much, I mainly lurk. My mom is u reachable, and she's usually who I go to for support so I was wondering if I could get some third party sane opinions on something.

I am 30 weeks pregnant and having a repeat csection. My in laws are saying they are camping out at hospital from two hours before surgery (when I have to get there) to hold baby asap. I really really wish everyone would stay home until I called to say hey it's a good time to come. Surgery is hard, I've had high risk pregnancy so far and I just want some down time with me and my new baby and husband and other daughter before entertaining people. My husband says I'm ridiculous and unreasonable and he will not ask his family to sit at home and wait. He says I shouldn't feel this way and I need to deal with it bc even if he did say to his family to wait they wouldn't and it shouldn't bother me that they are there for hours and hours. I am so angry that he doesn't support me. Am I being too silly about it?

ktplusbby

Not at all. Especially if you've had a rough pregnancy. Your in laws aren't entitled to anything and should have to wait to hold your baby until you say so.This would piss me off too. Sounds like your husband is being a bit insensitive. Let them show up and then make them wait until you think it's a good time for them to see the LO. Stand your ground on this one.

jlc8efa

I think you have every right to say wait until it is a good time to come and your SO should support you. 

If they refuse to wait at home then let them wait in the waiting room until you are ready (make sure you let a nurse know you don't want visitors or anyone but you/SO to hold the baby until you expressly state you do).  Don't feel bad about it- you just had surgery and you have a new baby who's needs need to come first!

triciaj1

Thank you girls! I've just heard so much how wrong I am I just needed to hear that maybe just maybe I had a valid point lol. Thank you really, I appreciate you answering me. I will stand my ground!!

pblge

Your DH is really asking for a throat punch by telling a pregnant woman she's "ridiculous and unreasonable," especially because what you're requesting is TOTALLY LEGIT. Tell him that when he goes through major surgery and/or pregnancy he can make the calls about when relatives arrive, but for this round the decision is all yours.

Good luck!

NagaWater

I didn't even read it all. You need to tell them no. If they refuse to listen then you need to tell the hospital they are NOT allowed to see your child OR you until you say it is ok.
It doesn't matter what your husband thinks because YOU are the patient. YOU are the one having a MAJOR surgery.
I suggest you call the hospital you're having your surgery at and ask them about their security policies.
I know at mine I as the patient can have people physically banned from the hospital if I so chose, and they can prevent people from coming up to what ever floor I'm on and withhold what room I'm in. (There's 3 floors and 12 different birthing/recovery units so if you don't know the room your basically screwed) And there's nothing my DH can do about it.

triciaj1

Again thank you to everyone who took time to answer me!! I really appreciate it. I never thought to contact the hospital about their security policy. I will do that. I just wish it didn't have to be a big deal and my husband specifically would just take how I feel, even if he doesn't agree, and do what he could to make this easier for me. But looks like that's not going to happen. so I'll do what has been recommended and make sure on my own that it's the way I need it to be to be less stressful and enjoyable!!

Unknown

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tjheld

Wow I think it's absurd that they want to be there so fast and think I would not be very happy with my husband if he didn't support me with this! I think parents including in laws need to respect you and I think it is important to just have "your time" before you having people showing up! It's such a special time for you and your husband and daughter that I think they need to wait but then again with our first we didn't tell anyone until the next day bc my husband and I are really independent people and I would have hated my family and in laws know that I was in delivery. Good luck!

NagaWater

triciaj1 said:

Again thank you to everyone who took time to answer me!! I really appreciate it. I never thought to contact the hospital about their security policy. I will do that. I just wish it didn't have to be a big deal and my husband specifically would just take how I feel, even if he doesn't agree, and do what he could to make this easier for me. But looks like that's not going to happen. so I'll do what has been recommended and make sure on my own that it's the way I need it to be to be less stressful and enjoyable!!

Have you tried an honest to God sit down with him to hash out why you're both having these feelings?

triciaj1

Yeah that was just this morning, hence my "I'm going to kill him I need to talk to someone post". I try really hard to not piss people off here so I mostly lurk but I needed to hear from someone that I'm not crazy. I tried to tell him that this is how I feel and this is really what I need from him and his family to make this easier for me and here's why. And then asked why he didn't agree and all I got was im being unreasonable, they are excited, and I shouldn't feel that way it's not a big deal. Oh and he's done talking about it, so I just have to deal.

ktplusbby

Uh no, you dont have to deal. Tell the staff no visitors and be done with it. Fuck your husband for being such a douche.

redneckmomma25

It's not something that would bother me but I don't think your concerns are invalid. I think that there should be some sort of happy medium that all parties can come to an agreement on. I"m not sure how your husband couldn't understand why you would want some time together as a family before having people in the room or at least just maybe feeling a little less groggy. 

SeekingSmall

triciaj1 said:

Yeah that was just this morning, hence my "I'm going to kill him I need to talk to someone post". I try really hard to not piss people off here so I mostly lurk but I needed to hear from someone that I'm not crazy. I tried to tell him that this is how I feel and this is really what I need from him and his family to make this easier for me and here's why. And then asked why he didn't agree and all I got was im being unreasonable, they are excited, and I shouldn't feel that way it's not a big deal. Oh and he's done talking about it, so I just have to deal.

It sounds like your husband still puts his parents' feelings above yours. Have you two been married long? I had MIL overstepping issues when I was first married and quickly made it clear he needed to stand with me or go back to his mom.

They want to hold the baby right away? No. I would definitely let the staff know your wishes and if necessary remind your husband that it's within your right.

Blergbot

Wow, your husband is being a dick. I could kind of understand your IL's overbearing behavior if this were their first grandchild, but wtf? Everyone needs to back off and respect your wishes. I would tell your husband that he's the one who needs to deal with it.

mrsalvidrez

I think your concerns are valid. If it were me I would either A: stand my ground about the issue and discuss it further with my husband or B: say something along the lines of "that's fine if they want to wait at the hospital but it will be several hours after surgery until I accept visitors. I need time for our little family to bond together" and then let them wait for 8 hours if they want to.

NagaWater

mrsalvidrez said:

I think your concerns are valid. If it were me I would either A: stand my ground about the issue and discuss it further with my husband or B: say something along the lines of "that's fine if they want to wait at the hospital but it will be several hours after surgery until I accept visitors. I need time for our little family to bond together" and then let them wait for 8 hours if they want to.

That may backfire, be warned.
We thought MIL and her family would go home after hour 5 or 6. Nope, she was there 11 hours.

triciaj1

11 hours?? That's crazy. And I think you guys hit the nail on the head with he still puts them first. It's getting old. It's crazy to me to think none of them would understand that I just wanted a little down time. But oh well, this is the group I chose I guess. I think they'll end up doing whatever they want so I may have to do the just be okay with making them wait in the waiting room thing. Ugh.

taramanter

I would say its not wrong for them to want to be there.... It's nice they want to be supportive. However I wouldn't let anyone hold the baby besides daddy until after you do.

fatcat11188

Ummm.. I would tell them back off. This is a time for you, your baby, and your husband and even your other child before anyone else. Also if my husband was not on board with that and I was in that position, I would secretly change my c-section date and go alone! Sorry your going through that. In-laws sometimes suck but your husband shouldn't follow suit!

SMFB

I agree with everyone. Your husband is a dick.

lilann2011

I mentioned this on a previous post but for my DS1 I told EVERYONE I didn't want visitors until I was moved to the second room after delivery. First room only allows 3 people at a time while the second where you stay after you have the baby is as many as you want.
I just wanted the first room to be DH and me and the 2 ppl that helped during delivery.
So despite telling everyone his whole family showed up (mom, 2 brothers, their wives and kids)!! Lol Well after delivery I had issues so he went down and saw them all but he stuck the ground of I wasn't ready for people (as I couldn't even stand without passing out) in short I didn't end up in the other room till 3am and had him around 8pm.
I felt bad they all came and didn't get to see the baby but we were very clear. If your ILs want to sit and wait until you are ready then let them, I just hope your DH doesn't push you right after delivery to let people come and will understand you wanting family time first. Good luck!!

crunchymamaof2

triciaj1 said:

11 hours?? That's crazy. And I think you guys hit the nail on the head with he still puts them first. It's getting old. It's crazy to me to think none of them would understand that I just wanted a little down time. But oh well, this is the group I chose I guess. I think they'll end up doing whatever they want so I may have to do the just be okay with making them wait in the waiting room thing. Ugh.

No no no! This is your body and your recovery. Stand your ground. Honestly I'd get some counseling for you and your husband as well. As his wife your feelings should be #1 and he's making it clear that isn't the case.

As for the hospital, see if you can register as a private patient. Then no one can visit without your permission. And tell your nurses you want no visitors. Your husband can go sit in the waiting room with his mommy if he throws a fit about that.

arschm02

You are not wrong at all. If your H won't listen or support you on this, I think your best bet would be talking to your inlaws. Just tell them you won't want any visitors and won't be accepting any visitors for a few hours after baby is born. Tell them how your experience was last time and how you want it to be same/different. Remind them they are more than welcome to wait but it might be a while and you're willing to have H call them once you are all settled and a little more comfortable so they won't have to wait so long. Good luck!

NagaWater

Yep. I told DH this time he's not allowed to tell them I'm even in labor until after DD is here and we've had time to bond.

And you do NOT have to just deal with them. Call the hospital and then go from there.

RSupry

With my first I had a cs and I didn't even have any visitors in the hospital except my mom. I made everyone wait until we were home. Surgery is exhausting and you never get any rest in the hospital. My DH was totally on board with that so I was lucky. Hopefully it will go the same way this time. Though I'm hoping to avoid another cs.

You should definitely stand up for yourself, the staff won't let anyone in if you tell them not to, they could just get a look while the baby is in the nursery. Your DH is being an ass, you and the baby are the first people he should be thinking about not his parents.

Pix3lle

If they don't already know when the surgery is, perhaps say that you will not be telling anyone (including your family) when you go in so no one can show up or be disappointed at waiting x hours to hold the baby? Though from his reaction to you not wanting people it sounds like he may not listen to that either.

Flowerstar1023

THIS as said above! "Tell him that when he goes through major surgery and/or pregnancy he can make the calls about when relatives arrive, but for this round the decision is all yours." Have you discussed with your husband your reasoning (That this pregnancy has been hard, etc)? You should just be able to tell him what you want, but if you haven't discussed your reasoning maybe that would make it more palatable for him. Sorry he's not listening.

3JTMom

I totally hear you sweet mama, and understand your frustration. Ultimately, it doesn't matter where they wait, only that they do wait, for you to be ready for them to hold your LO. Can you let DH know that you are fine with them, but when you have had enough, encourage him to be your advocate and ask them to leave, because you need rest? Your nurses can also be your advocate, let them know the time limit or the signal you want to give so they can gently guide your In-Laws to the exit. It is often difficult to navigate these details, but by letting those around you know your expectations and appreciating their excitement you can work together and build stronger relationships, built on mutual respect and communication. Hugs Mama and congratulations - hope it goes well!!!! - Cookin'Quiltin

triciaj1

You ladies have been wonderful. I talked more with him and while we are NOT where I want to be it's an open discussion and I'm using you girls logical points to help him understand where I'm coming from. It means more than you know to me that everyone took a minute to help me out!!

And a part of me high fives all of you when you say my husband is a dick haha. He certainly is acting like one!!

NagaWater

triciaj1 said:

You ladies have been wonderful. I talked more with him and while we are NOT where I want to be it's an open discussion and I'm using you girls logical points to help him understand where I'm coming from. It means more than you know to me that everyone took a minute to help me out!!

And a part of me high fives all of you when you say my husband is a dick haha. He certainly is acting like one!!

I'm glad you are talking about it! That's the first step!

Mireille LeBlanc

I'm glad your starting to have an open discussion about it. I second what the ladies have been saying - you are FULLY within your rights to say you need time after surgery to recover before entertaining people. If you ILs want to see a newborn that soon, they'll just have to get busy and make their own. This is YOUR time. I would definitely talk with your doctor and nurses and tell them what is going on. Often times, hospitals will help by saying "no visitors - mama and/or baby need to rest/have tests done/etc.". This is a moment you will never get back - Your moment and not theirs - and I would hate for it to be tainted. Good luck, and do not back down! 

angelfish628

I really hope your husband comes around and I'm glad you are talking it through. I would not have been that patient!

pinknhott

The hospital I am going to has this "golden hour" rule where they won't let anyone other than the people in your delivery room in to see the baby until after the hour finishes. I think it is great! This is my second and with my first both sets of parents and two sets of grandparents can back right after and I was feeling absolutely miserable. Turns out a nice chunk of my placenta was left and I didn't know until I ended up in the ER the day after discharge. Buttt that's another story. Take the time with your family and make sure you're ready to have visitors. No one is holding my daughter before me and my husband!! Lol.

reneejones0508

I don't think that is unreasonable at all. We told our family the same thing for our first. We wanted time as a family to enjoy and just be a family before everyone stampeded in.

NagaWater

pinknhott said:

The hospital I am going to has this "golden hour" rule where they won't let anyone other than the people in your delivery room in to see the baby until after the hour finishes. I think it is great! This is my second and with my first both sets of parents and two sets of grandparents can back right after and I was feeling absolutely miserable. Turns out a nice chunk of my placenta was left and I didn't know until I ended up in the ER the day after discharge. Buttt that's another story. Take the time with your family and make sure you're ready to have visitors. No one is holding my daughter before me and my husband!! Lol.

Yikes!

mhickey426

You are the one that is going to be having a major surgery so you get to decide when you see people. It is very sweet that they want to be there and if they want to wait then that's on them. You don't have to let them in right away even if they are waiting. Talk to him explain you concerns and if that doesn't work talk to them.

stellar2325

Have you tried talking directly to your ILs about it?  Particularly MIL? 

triciaj1

I haven't talked to his parents yet, I was hoping to avoid that. I try to implement I'll deal with my crazy family you deal with yours but it looks like I may have to start trying to sway them.

CustomKicks

Going right in line with other comments....
Maybe try and reinforce how fleeting those first few moments are after baby is finally here; if your husband is uncomfortable restricting just his parents, and telling them such, he can phrase it more generalized...that you guys will be holding off on all visitors until such and such a time.
When we recently toured the hospital we are considering, they offered to play the bad guy and restrict visitors as directed by us...maybe just leave it to the staff and let them know when you are ready.

meremint

He definitely should listen to you not wanting visitors until you're feeling up to it. Although your ILs are excited about baby, they need to be sensitive to the fact that you need time to recover and that you'll probably be in the hospital for a few days. 

I know everyone is excited to see/hold a new baby, but everyone also needs to take into consideration the needs of the mother as well. You need time to bond as a family before everyone should be flooding in to visit. I think both hospitals we toured said they would keep visitors out if we wanted, definitely check and see if yours will do the same.