Parenting Check-In 1/19

ball.and.chain

Good Morning!

Congrats to @CageyMack on the birth of Audrey Jane!  CM, I added her birthdate to the roster (chronologically,  it's with W) -- please let me know if I didn't get the date right!

Congrats to @twochickshavinachick on the birth of Santana!  I wasn't sure of the exact date so please let me know if you'd like to be added to the roster!  Welcome to the Parenting Check-In!

@roundhere3 -- I hope you'll stick around!  I changed your SN in the roster.

How was your weekend?  Any new milestones, successes or challenges to report?  

QOTD: In honor of MLK, Jr: How will you or do you teach your child(ren) to grow up to be good citizens of the world?

Parenting Roster:

(Please let me know if you would like to be added or have your information changed)

@2brides – G & C born 5/18/06, other Mom is L

@Mystjava – Little Bear (LB) born 3/31/10, other Mummum is Shawn

@winstan1 – J (DS) born 9/10 (currently 3.5 years old)

@Trisholio and @trisholiosboi – Proud foster parents to M born 2/6/12 and K born 8/22/13; baby Adalyn born 8/29/14

@jazibel – Kaden born 7/13/12 and Owen born 5/2/14, other parent (Aya) is EV

@newmompeanut – N (DD) born 2/12/13, other Momma is B

@CageyMack – W born 3/16/13; A born 1/13/15

@JGY – Gabe born 3/24/13, other Mama is S.

@Stringy813 – M born May 2013

@Clairmeij – Alarico born 6/28/13, other mama is V

@Wallace323 – J and L born 8/8/13, surviving triplets born at 31 weeks

@Jrtmom – Henry born 8/15/13, other mama is L

@ATXmommas – Sebastian (“Ash”) born 11/21/13, other Momma is Z

@mwagner25 – Oliver born 11/27/13, other parent is L

@herbabymama‌ – C (DD) born 12/10/13, other Mama is K

@Sarahtrpt – C born February 2014

@AmandaG47 – Twin girls born 2/22/14, other Mommy is J

@Mamosey‌ & @Karlamo‌ – R born 2/25/14

@roundhere3‌ - Anthony and Sati, born 3/9/2014, Other mom is S

@Filmfanatic82 – Charley born 3/15/14

@YBNormal85 -- Lennon born 4/21/14

@2momsinCA‌ - B & O born 5/27/14

@KH826 – Will born 6/4/14

@redrockmama – M born 6/19/14, other Mama is J

@ball.and.chain – B born 6/28/14

@Flygirl1228 – Twins 7/25/14

@KLeigh1‌ - S born 7/25/14

@shelly2314 - Elise and Olivia, born 8/19/14, wife is M

@2MamazInSeattle‌ - S born 8/21/14

@rkbo‌ - Amelia born 9/22/14

@pauljl - Callie born 11/5/14

@doodah1013 & @firstcomeslove2013 – Hayden born 12/20/2014

@RobertJane33 – Twins born 12/24/14

@Andstilltrying – Mathew and Andrew born 12/26/14

Karlamo

Welcome new moms! 

R got up at 5:30am, cause you know, he feeld sleep is for the weak!

This week I talked with EI about R's development.  He is going to be 1 soon and my wife and I feel like he is still a baby in so many ways.  When I see other kids that are 1, they seem to look more mature than R.  I know that every child reaches milestones at different points, but I wanted an "expert" opinion on his development.  She tested him and said he is right where he should be for his age.  

One issue we are facing is his lack of interest in solids.  Mamosey spoke to a lactation consultant last week who said R is eating way to much breast milk.   Her suggestion was to not let him breastfeed so often and let him get hungry enough to eat solids.  Easier said than done!  He will eat some solids and purees but he seems to have an issue with textures.  Yesterday they were at Trader Joe's and mamosey was sampling a buffalo chicken wing, R was acting like he wanted it, so she gave it to him and he ate it!  She was shocked.  We just may have a picky eater on our hands.

I will be solo mommying Wed-Fri this week and am not looking forward to it.  Morning sickness is kicking my butt at the moment. 

Other than that, we are planning his birthday and have a photo shoot scheduled for a cake smash and 1 year photos.  They're being down by a fellow bumpie from our BMB!

QOTW: What a great question!  My wife and I met when we did a year long volunteer service through Americorps.  We worked 40 hours a week at a medical clinic for the homeless and got paid $100 month.  It was life changing in so many ways!  Giving back and being an advocate for those who society has forgotten,  is something that is very near and dear to our hearts.  We plan very early on to introduce R to philanthropy and volunteering in our community.  I would love if after he graduated college, he too would take time off and either join Americorps or the Peacecorps. 

Jazibel

Congrats again @CageyMack & @twochickshavingachick - I hope your first days with your new LOs are going well. 

Kaden is 2.5 years old, Owen is 8 months old

Right now Kaden is roaring and flying his red car around to all the furniture and walls he can reach in the playroom and adjacent kitchen.  Owen is crawling after him and playing with the dog crate door. Sienna (our 7 week old chocolate lab) is asleep under my chair in the playroom.  It's craziness but this a calm moment in our day.

Sigh...Terrible twos.  Yesterday I was really losing my cool.  I didn't scream or anything but I did raise my voice (from my usual calm tone that I try to use with the kids) and get stern. I don't want to be a parent that points their finger at their kids, or threatens punishment for bad behavior. But I swear yesterday I was bordering on this.  Kaden is a piece of work (to use a phrase my parents used to use).  We had a good day yesterday until around 3pm when he completely stopped listening to anything. I tried all my usual tricks, getting down on his level, explaining this calmly, giving transitional warnings (i.e. okay you have 1 minute and then we're going to change activities), using cooperation points, etc. etc. etc.  And still full on stubborn refusal to cooperate and participate in good behavior.  

My guess is it has to do with EV having to work all weekend again, meaning he missed her and our family time. Also with the arrival of the puppy he's been elevated to being a Big brother again. We're starting to get into a rhythm and are on day three of crate training, which is going well. But the first couple of days were extra hectic.  This all to say that I hope it gets better from here on out :-)

Owen is doing well.  Both boys have been giving me a break with sleeping for which I am grateful because I'm getting up with Sienna.  Owen is standing all the time and doing a little cruising. He's also able to pull himself to standing (or sit from standing) with almost no support. The core strength of this puts me to shame.

Okay many minutes have past since I started and things just a little more chaotic here - I'll be back later to finish.

Have a great morning everyone

2brides

It was a good weekend. We tried a new yoga class (that I am still feeling!), the kids started an indoor soccer clinic, L and I tried to have a date night while the kids were in Parents Night Out but the movie we were trying to see was sold out (American Sniper) - so we ended up grocery shopping (sad.) We did end up see another movie while the kids went to a new friend's house for a playdate (go see Selma!), the kids got much needed haircuts, and today we are having the laziest day ever - L and I have been reading all day and the kids have used their annual allotment of screen time. But it was needed.

QOTD: We attend a church with a strong focus on social justice as part of its teachings and activities. We are starting to attend a family volunteer session 1x/month at an agency that provides home furnishings, classes, etc for low income families in our area. We donate to them regularly, but want to do something hands on. I work in a health clinic that primarily serves underserved kids - so there is a lot of discussion about poverty, health disparities, etc in our house.

ball.and.chain

B is 6+m old.

I'm at home though still "on vacation," going back to work tomorrow.  It's been really nice.  The trip to the ILs was really nice, and then when we got back we took our two days of mom-time when B was at daycare.  Great massages and lunch out on Thursday, plus an epic nap when we got back home.  On Friday we went out to breakfast, ran errands and cleaned the house.  Which is STILL clean.  It's kind of awesome.  I am glad to have ended the vacation with three days of quality snuggle time with B however.

Last night B puked all over himself (and me) after his middle of the night bottle.  We only have one Merlin suit so we had to put him in a sleepsack and he went right back to sleep!  We were struggling to transition him out of the Merlin so this is a big win.  I think tummy sleeping (he's now also side-sleeping) made the difference.  Now I have to buy more sleepsacks...

He's been kind of a PIA today (and I mean that in the most loving way... ;;)  Cranky and clingy.  His morning nap didn't last as long as it should have.  After I got him up, he wanted to sleep again, but only on me.  Once I gave in and settled in on the couch with him, he decided to wake up.  When I tried to put him down for another nap, he wasn't having it.  Finally I decided to just get us out of the house because I needed groceries, so I bathed and dressed him, got dressed myself (I'd been waiting for a shower that never happened, see morning nap), and JUST as we were packing up to leave the house -- I already had him in his carseat -- I remembered that he was due for a bottle soon.  So I warmed up a bottle, got him out of the carseat, fed him...and he fell asleep.  Now he's asleep in his crib.  Which is great...but I want to go get my groceries!  At least I am getting a late lunch (cereal! see needing groceries!) while he naps.  And Bump time.

Otherwise things are going well.  B is going to be 7m next week, which is crazy.  And S and I were talking with my ILs about his first birthday and realized we should probably set a date for his party soon if we are going to be inviting people from out of state (ILs), especially since B is the 14th grandchild on that side and there is always somebody graduating from something in June.  The idea of having a date set for his first birthday party when I JUST HAD HIM is amazing.

QOTD: I don't really have a good answer for this, but it is something I think about.  The most important thing to me is that B grows up to be a kind, thoughtful, considerate human being, regardless of whether he does any kind of volunteer or activist work.  Sadly, I know several people IRL who are very committed to social justice and yet completely oblivious to the way they treat those around them.  S and I were talking about the "mean girls" we knew in middle school and high school and agreed that if B were to act that way toward his classmates, it would disappoint us more than almost anything else.  S said, "He can flunk a class or do drugs and I'll deal with it, but if he ever treats people like that, he'll be grounded for the rest of his life."  I like to think that learning to care about people on a one-to-one basis naturally leads toward caring about the people of the world in general.  I can't say I know exactly how to teach that, other than leading by example.

Food for thought:
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/12/opinion/sunday/raising-a-moral-child.html?_r=0

redrockmama

@Karlamo‌ I did Americorps too! I actually met J right when I started my year as a VISTA and she was going to do Peace corps, but didn't end up doing it.

Jazibel

Ok back quiclly while everyone naps - then it's on to work.

QOTD:  I was a girl scout for 11 years and a girl scout leader in college, among lots of other volunteer or activist activities. I really want our kids to grow up enjoying comfort and privilege from our hard work & education. BUT I want them to understand that it's everyone's responsibility to spread the wealth, the opportunity and to take care of our communities and planet.  PP have mentioned activities through their church and its one reason why I've been wanting to join a UU church, so Kaden and Owen can grow up with a community, spirituality and an opportunity to be proactively volunteering and involved.  I think I need to add this to my 2015 goals.  

(Kaden & Sienna cuddling)

2MamazInSeattle

Hi! Welcome to new little humans out there and congrats to their parents.

@Karlamo - Have you considered R might have some sensory sensitivity issues? I just happened to have a chat w/a friend whose son is a picky eater, but more due to textures than flavors. Thinking that R rejects purees but chows on a chicken wing, maybe it's more about the delivery method. Have you done/considered Baby Led Weaning (which I wish they'd re-name Baby Led Solids, since it has nothing to do with weaning)? Anyhow, feeding issues never really end it seems and are hard! FX it all works out.

Simone is going to be 5 months old in 2 days. How the eff did that happen!? She was born 5 minutes ago, or so it seems!

Man, I love my kid. We have a morning song I made up and sing her every day to which she gets visibly excited, sad since I am a horrible singer. I also sing her a modified "You are my sunshine" (after losing a baby, I refuse to sing the "please don't take my sunshine away" line and replace it with "you are my sunshine every single day"). She is a smile-fest most of the time and definitely is showing more and more personality!

We had our first horrible sleep night ever - like since she was born - on Saturday. Thank god it was a Saturday. She was up from 2-6 a.m. We both have colds (she and I) so that was likely some of it. I tried the boob, the bottle, the swing, the crib, the rocker...we went outside on the porch at 4 a.m. for 15 minutes in the cool, windy, rainy night (this actually was a big help) and again at 6 a.m. I read her Goodnight Moon 3 times...and recited it in the dark 3 more. A second (properly timed) dose of tylenol. Nothing. Worked. The good news is, I didn't get impatient with her (see: thank god it was Saturday) as I had nowhere to be Sunday, so being tired didn't matter. But it was rough seeing her so out of sorts, struggling, frustrated with herself and me and the world. Welcome to life, kid - but still - poor baby! Finally she ended up sleeping later in the morning and into early afternoon for like 7 hours with just one waking for food. Last night, I took the couch (my coughing would startle her!) and J had her overnight in the bedroom and all slept like babies.

I feel bad we didn't get out all weekend as I know she loves to see things other than the inside of our house, but her first cold has been rough on all of us. Hopefully we'll turn a corner here soon.

Otherwise, we are just 1 month away from solids and I'm debating on what to do around breastfeeding. She really just had gratuitous snacks two or three times a day. Now, that said, the boob was what ultimately put her to sleep on Saturday after all those hours of frustration - so I was still thanking my lucky stars I had it in my arsenal! And I guess I can just keep doing what I'm doing - offer it up a couple/few times a day and let her be the guide. Of course, if TTC#2 happens as planned, I'll have to stop soon enough anyhow. I get *so so sad* thinking of that. She was fussing at the breast the other day and I thought "what if this is the last time I ever bf her" and started to tear up. It will be a super sad day for me when I stop, whenever it is.

Ok that's a downer to end on. So I'll tell you she loves her exersaucer (I didn't realize these, like everything out there it seems) are controversial? Whatever. She seems really happy in it but I always make sure she's right up next to me. She still loves her swing (that thing was SO worth the $40 used I paid. Like, maybe the best money we ever spent). She is sleeping alongside us in a co-sleeper, in her Merlin Magic Sleepsuit and continues to wake every 3 hours (since birth, nothing has changed) for food, though we're trying to offer less food at each feed (taking it away as soon as she'll let us, rather than just assuming she will drain the bottle). Before she was sick she was eating around 30+ ounces of formula + whatever breastmilk I could muster every day. Porker. Her sensitive skin is still like playing whack-a-mole, but we slather her two or three times head to toe with Aquafor Baby and use a little hydrocortisone on her hot spots daily. This has helped a lot!! She is just a rashy kid, but she seems to be itchy a lot less. Oh, and her Nanny gave her a "manicure" and somehow did a WAY better job cutting her nails than I do - no more bloody scrapes and scratches all over her face and head! #winning

QOTW: I think the big thing somehow my parents imparted that I want to be sure Simone 'gets' is simply put - how lucky we are. We are educated, have a warm home, food, clothes, cars - not to mention vacations, eating out, etc. And not only that - but looking outside of our country - that we have a faucet that puts out healthy, clean water, things like that. So some exposure to helping others will be key. J also cares a lot about animals and a lot of her volunteering was with PAWS so I expect that to play in. I hope she is some sort of GirlScout or something that teaches about helping others, and most of the schools around here require volunteer hours in high school. And, to what @ball.and.chain said around just respecting other people, even when they aren't "your people" and not being mean is a hard thing to teach, and hopefully we can lead by example there too.

Karlamo

redrockmama said:

@Karlamo‌ I did Americorps too! I actually met J right when I started my year as a VISTA and she was going to do Peace corps, but didn't end up doing it.

Stop it!! No way!!! We did CNVS. She's from Chicago and I'm from Mass so I feel like the universe was bringing us together since we would otherwise would have never met. We named R after the volunteer house we lived in together.

redrockmama

M is 7 months old today! We are going to weigh and measure him later.

He and I finally got our first cold. It has been pretty awful. He hates the nose frida and wants to nurse/sleep all night, but the he can't breathe. If I blow my nose or cough it scares humans hw cries. Oh boy I hope tomorrow is better, it's been almost a week now.

Dare I say he finally likes tummy time? He is also doing a lot better staying up on his hands and knees and standing while holing/leaning on something. He is a busy body and keeps us on our toes for sure. The weather was really nice over the weekend so we went on a couple long walks, which he loved!!

QOTW: Well like I mentioned, I did a year as an Americorps VISTA, have a degree in public service, and J and I both work for nonprofits, volunteering and public service are really important to both of us. We want our kids to give back to those in need and to be caring, empathetic people. I want M to understand his power and privilege as a white man and use it to create positive change. I hope that we can do all that by leading by example and educating them about the world and injustices.

Karlamo

@2MamazInSeattle‌, I guess I should clarify since I wrote the post at work in between interpreting phone calls!
R likes purées but is not interested in solids. I def think it's a texture thing and so does his old pedi. The pedi said this is totally normal at this age. I know I struggle with comparing R to what other kids are doing. So when I hear someone's 5 month old is eating steak, I feel like so should R.
He loves crackers and hummus, but won't eat solid veggies. Then today my wife gave him a french fry and he ate it and wanted more. For now we are giving him everything we eat (within reason) and if he eats little/none then we offer a purée option.
He's still in 90th percentile for weight so I'm not worried yet about that. But he can't breast feed forever. I keep telling myself that I have yet to meet an adult who still does!

Oh and the moms on my BMB call it the neglectasaucer! Not that you leave her in unattended but that it gives you a minute to just sit and have a cup of coffee.

ATXmommas

Ash will be 14 months on Wednesday. We're going through an interesting phase around here... So, in addition to teething 4 molars, there is a doozy of a leap that begins around 60 weeks. @ball.and.chain - talk about PIA. We are pretty sure that he is saying "nana" for banana, but not much else in the real words department, but still tons of "talking." I think he is really frustrated that we don't understand him - and we're frustrated by that too! He's being clingy and throwing lots of tantrums. If he doesn't want his food, he throws it. When he's upset, he flails his arms and just seems really angry. Not cute. Eating is still weird. I'm not really concerned in that I know he won't starve himself, he's still nursing, and there are tons of babies before him who have thrived on a less than balanced diet. It only gets to me before bedtime when I want him to fill up before sleep. We have started keeping pouches on hand for our kid who was a rockstar at BLW because sometimes it is all he will eat. The real PIA part occurred Thursday-Saturday night. He was up for about 2 hours in the middle of the night each night. I think the molars are the culprit. Or hunger. Upon a suggestion from a friend, we offered him a banana the first night, which he gobbled up and then he ate a second one. Last night was better. He woke 3 times, but was able to go back to sleep in his crib each time. Progress. Anyways, it's been tough. To the point that Z even mentioned postponing TTC for a while longer. I suggested that we not make any big decisions when we're going through a tough phase. I try to remind her and myself that this phase won't last forever, that things will get easier again.... I am happy that my parents are coming for a brief visit and are going to watch Ash on Friday while Z and I go out to dinner with some friends. Looking forward to that. I loved reading the QOTD responses, though too tired to respond right now - especially since I'm mobile. Will try to return later. ETA: Have no idea what happened to my paragraph breaks!

singingmua

So it is soooo surreal for me to be doing my first check-in on the PARENTING thread and not the PREGNANCY thread!!

Please add me to the roster. Our daughter Kaia was born about 3.5 weeks early on 1/8/15.

After spending about 10 days in the hospital (including a couple days in ICU), I'm truly thankful to be here!

Kaia is doing wonderfully, and has been pretty much since day one. She had a short stint in NICU due to a little lazy breathing, but nothing serious, thank goodness.

We are adjusting pretty well to parenthood, and of course we are utterly exhausted, we are also incredibly happy and feel so blessed.

QOTW - my wife and I both participated in Girl Scouts and we look forward to participating again with Kaia. Our spiritual lives are also a big deal for us, so we are excited to become more active with other parents at our church.

I'm a bit hopped up on pain meds and lack of sleep at the moment, so I hope this all makes sense! I'll clarify anything that doesn't in the a.m.

2MamazInSeattle

Karlamo said:

@2MamazInSeattle‌, I guess I should clarify since I wrote the post at work in between interpreting phone calls! R likes purées but is not interested in solids. I def think it's a texture thing and so does his old pedi. The pedi said this is totally normal at this age. I know I struggle with comparing R to what other kids are doing. So when I hear someone's 5 month old is eating steak, I feel like so should R. He loves crackers and hummus, but won't eat solid veggies. Then today my wife gave him a french fry and he ate it and wanted more. For now we are giving him everything we eat (within reason) and if he eats little/none then we offer a purée option. He's still in 90th percentile for weight so I'm not worried yet about that. But he can't breast feed forever. I keep telling myself that I have yet to meet an adult who still does! Oh and the moms on my BMB call it the neglectasaucer! Not that you leave her in unattended but that it gives you a minute to just sit and have a cup of coffee.

Ha! I have a 5-month-old and she's not eating steak, but I roll a little like R - give me the crackers and hummus and I'll pass on the raw veggies! I'd also gladly eat the french fry and want more.

neglect-a-saucer - good one! Honestly she just has fun in that thing, but I always pull it close to where I'm sitting and interact with her.

KH826

I'm a day late. Yesterday was a crazy work day, and I had intended to post last night after Will went to bed, but I was too tired and couldn't put together intelligent sentences... Will is 7.5 months old! He is rolling, scooting, lunging, and a *little* bit of army crawling, but no actual crawling yet. Not sure he ever will be a big crawler. He gets where he wants to go in the blink of an eye (still not really sure how he does it), and when he gets into the legit crawling position he just gets frustrated after about 20 seconds and rolls over. He is big into standing with assistance right now though. Either holding onto our hands or leaning against furniture or toys. I think we need to get him one of those push toys... Still doing well with solids. Mixture of BLW and purées. Yesterday he tried mango sorbet and gobbled it up! We ordered our 2nd convertible car seat, so I think we will install those this weekend and finally be done with the infant seat! I feel like he looks like such a big boy - more and more each day... Growing up too fast! **ETA - I don't know where all the space breaks went!

AandStilltrying

Ok so I haven't had much time to write, but have been reading. I'm currently sitting on the couch with a baby on my chest. Drew is PASSED out and because Matt takes so much attention, I usually feed Drew first and then put him in the rnp while I deal with Matt and the need to be held for 40+ min. Drew is SUCH a good baby.

They will be 4 weeks Thursday. So my question...is 4 weeks (1 month) or is the 26th their 1 month? A friend got us cute onsie stickers but not sure when to take pic. Lol.

Do/did any of your babies grunt pretty much all day/all night? I'm sure it's from the gas but it freaks me out. Drew doesn't do it often but Matt is pretty much 24/7.

Matt had Dr. Appointment yesterday and he is growing nicely (5lbs4oz). He was 4lbs1oz at birth and had dropped down to 3lbs. The dr. Told us to try gas drops, and switched off polyvisol w iron to the D visol. Hoping that helps.

S is exclusively pumping and supply isn't keeping up with demands. . We supplemented this last feed with formula and S is having a really hard time accepting that.

Qotw: as others have said...volunteer volunteer volunteer. Lead by example. our children become us, and you only get one chance.

2MamazInSeattle

@AandStilltrying‌ I didn't have enough milk either and had a hard time accepting that we had to use formula... And external judgment doesnt help the internal judgement either. In fact I just got formula-shamed last week! But here's the thing...when your baby is happy and thriving, ideally getting even a little bm daily to help build immunities, you are winning. Turns out, in the (literal) absence of bm, formula keeps babies alive and well. Tell your wife to hang in there, all we can do is our best.

doodah1013

Hello!
Middle of the night pump and bump.

Things are still good here. Hayden is more awake and that is super cool! She was one month yesterday which hardly seems possible...

She is an excellent sleeper... Gaining weight and generally pretty happy. She rarely fusses and when she does it is gas.... We give her some gripe water and she usually feels better instantly.

This week we adventured to iKEA and she was great in the car and in the store.

This week is a trip to the pediatrician. Interested to hear her stats!

QOTD: we are also pro-Girl Scout in this family and hope to get Hayden involved as soon as possible. We also have a great church community that works for social justice (on a myriad of important issues) and we are excited to help her learn and grow in this environment to give back and lend a helping hand!

ball.and.chain

2MamazInSeattle said:

In fact I just got formula-shamed last week!

Ahem.  I'll need that name and address, please.

ball.and.chain

AandStilltrying said:

They will be 4 weeks Thursday. So my question...is 4 weeks (1 month) or is the 26th their 1 month? A friend got us cute onsie stickers but not sure when to take pic. Lol.

The 26th.  My wife and I had an argument about this, and I took it to the board.  It was unanimous that you should go by date for month milestones.  Can't believe they have been around that long already!

2momsinCA

@AandStilltrying‌ we just started supplementing with formula. I finally got through my freezer stash and we had to. Ain't no shame in it! But I completely understand how your wife is feeling. Producing enough for even a singleton is hard but for twins, extremely hard. Personally I'm loving it. I don't feel like a constant slave to my pump anymore. If we are out and they need a bottle, no problem. Even a little bit of bm provides the immunity benefits.

And as for the age- adjusted v date, I defer to all pp on that. My boys were SO premature that we don't even think about it now.

AandStilltrying

Thanks for helping solve the debate! I can't believe they are already almost a month old!!! Blows my mind.