6 year old and friendship

bbe13

I am worried that my daughter isn't fitting in at school. She has only had 1 girl invite her for a play date and we reciprocated but she hasn't had another one. She is in first grade and is very fun loving and active although she is very competitive about everything. I try very hard to discourage her competitive tendencies but they are very strong. I am wondering if this is a turn off to the other kids. I have spoken with her teacher and she has no concerns but I notice the lack of playmates and worry she is being left behind. Am I over reacting? How often do your children have play dates? Any ideas on what I can do? She is in scouts but could take or leave it except for the badge earning part of course. Anyone else's child have to be first or best at everything? Thanks

neverblushed

Check out my response to this post just below for a similar issue. 

In short, it's not unusual for kids this age not to have settled into a close friendship yet.  I would keep offering to let her schedule playdates and invite kids over so that she can form friendships more easily.  

As far as competition goes, some kids are naturally more competitive than others.  I would monitor the first few playdates from a nearby room, especially if it's the first one with a particular child.  If your DD starts to make the other child uncomfortable because she has a fit about needing to win, step in and help mediate. 

If you are worried about her competitive side in general, maybe begin working with her to see that there are often many ways to excel.  Kids this age can be really concrete and tend to think about "winning" or being "first" in a very limited way.  For instance, if she and some other kids are drawing, one may produce a less messy drawing than others, but another child may use more interesting color combinations.  Both drawings have merit -- just in different ways. You might suggest that even in a situation where two kids are racing, one of them will win and the other will come in second.  But the other runner may have also done well -- may have gotten off to a speedy start, or may have almost caught up to the winner by the end.  You can do well even without being the best.  Be careful that you aren't accidentally reinforcing the idea that winning is very important.  Being competitive can give a child an advantage in life... if they learn to value persistence as a form of winning.  Kids who only value winning will sometimes learn to give up and not even try if they think there's a chance they won't win.

Also, I would recommend never, ever giving in and letting her win just to avoid a meltdown.  She needs to practice losing or coming in second in a family environment that's safe for her to feel sad and frustrated.  Acknowledge that losing isn't as fun as winning, but that playing the game and trying hard is what's most important.

When my kids were younger -- at the age when losing in Chutes And Ladders would cause a meltdown -- if we were playing a game and they started to get upset about an impending loss, I would say, "Okay, the whole reason we're playing this game is to have fun.  If the only way it's fun for you is to win, and you're not having fun right now, just say so.  We'll put the game away.  It's up to you."  Often, just saying this would help them refocus and they would agree to continue.  Other times, they would say, "I'm not having fun with this anymore" and opt to stop playing.  Whatever they decided, I would respect it.  I think this helped my kids through this tricky stage.

la79al

My DD and my cousins DD are both 6 and in first grade.  They each had one playdate last year and none so far this year.  DD doesn't talk about friends from school, I ask her who she plays with and she says 'no one really' but I talk to her teacher and she does in fact play with other little girls.  I wouldn't stress too much over the lack of playdates.  

groovygrl

From what I hear from parents at our schools (my kids are in private K this year so I'm not in the public school yet), the kids have very little time to make friends- 15 min of recess and short lunch where they have to eat or won't have time to, esp if they buy & have to spend time waiting in the line. I know a number of our preschool friends' moms have not really said much about their kids making new friends at school, a lot still hang out w/ preschool friends & neighborhood friends.

mrs9152013

I think as kids get older they are better prepared for that true friendship role. My son is 5 and he has one really good friend in his class but he still plays with all the kids. 

owlet3

I have a very competitive daughter---we spend time focusing on her sportsmanship when she loses, teaching her how to lose and win graciously. How to recognize her friends assets and compliment them. How to be less hard on herself when she is not the best.

However, we do not discourage competitiveness. Your daughter should strive to be the best. Her drive will make others try harder. The issue is not her desire to compete, just that she is not old enough to make that passion an internal conquest- to be modest in her accomplishments. So for us we concentrate on that.

My daughter is 6 and has friends in school and has not had the same desire to have a playdate until recently--she is more independent and personally I think she gets enough 'friend' fix at school and she socializes when we bump into other girls. Her twin brother asks for playdates constantly.

I would not worry about it. If she was sad about it then I would set another one up, but if she in unconcerned then I wouldn't worry.