Hosting Baby shower but guest list is high.

ghwheeler

I ask to host a baby shower for my sister.  Then she told me that cutting back to only the must have people in their life (no coworkers or friends) she has a guest list of 65 people.  This is huge to me.  Her wedding didn't have 65 guest at it.  I ask about making it women only instead of whole families because the amount of people was to large for me to pull off.  But she said that they were already at the bare minimum and that her husband family never do women only events and she was sorry they had so many people who love them and want to share in this time with them.  I was planning on about 30 women afternoon tea and sandwich party so I did not know this would be the plan.  Am I a complete jerk here?  I really have no desire to do the party at all now.  I don't want to give a party as big as a wedding reception for a baby.  She said I could back out and she is sure her mother in law would do the party.  I don't want her to have any hard feeling about this so should I just do the party so she is happy about it or not do it so I am not having to fork out a load of money?    

ghwheeler

I feel like if I back out then I will be the bad guy (which is very common in my family).  When I ask her about the guest list and told her what I say in my original post she was all upset and saying she doesn't want to have a shower now because she feels so bad for needing one with this many people but she has it down to only the must haves people.  So I don't think I can change anything.  It is either do it with 65 and hope not everyone shows or don't do it at all (she is only 11 weeks pregnant so it is early still).  I feel that if I back out then she will tell everyone I backed out because she has to many people she has to invite and I will be the bad guy.  Like she said "she can't help that they have so many people who love them and want to share in this time with them" 

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VOR

ladycersei said:

I feel like if I back out then I will be the bad guy (which is very common in my family).  When I ask her about the guest list and told her what I say in my original post she was all upset and saying she doesn't want to have a shower now because she feels so bad for needing one with this many people but she has it down to only the must haves people.  So I don't think I can change anything.  It is either do it with 65 and hope not everyone shows or don't do it at all (she is only 11 weeks pregnant so it is early still).  I feel that if I back out then she will tell everyone I backed out because she has to many people she has to invite and I will be the bad guy.  Like she said "she can't help that they have so many people who love them and want to share in this time with them" 

Is being known as "the bad guy" a big issue for you? It's either that or go way over your budget to accommodate 65 people. Will these people who call you "the bad guy" be willing to contribute or take it over completely? I'm guessing no but you'd know them best. And honestly, your sister sounds like a brat. She'd go talking smack about you because you wouldn't be able to afford hosting her guest list? She sounds seriously entitled about something that's being gifted to her. I'd advise that you do what's best for you. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Don't go into debt just to avoid being called "the bad guy". I know everyone is different but I wouldn't give any damns about what people said about me. I'd rather be able to pay my own bills without worry than put myself in debt because of what people might say about me.

All of this.  ALL of this.  You can't live life (and go into debt) for fear of being the "bad guy".  Your sister IS entitled.  His family includes everyone?  Well - good for them.  THEY can throw a huge shower, then. 

YOUR family (i.e. YOU) does women only showers.  That is YOUR choice.  She doesn't like it?  Then she's actually the one refusing the shower.

Oooh.  Which is actually how to approach it.  Tell her "I can throw a shower for 30 people.  That's my offer.  Let me know if you want to proceed or not.".  Put it on HER to say "no".  she comes back with "But I have to have 65.".  You say "I understand. I can host 30.  What would you like to do?".  Make HER make the decision. 

leela02

Like PPs said, it would be unwise go through with the shower if your sister insists on a party that you can't afford or even if you're just personally unwilling to host a much larger guest list than you're comfortable with. A shower is a gift and your sister can take it or leave it...Your family has no justifiable reason to trash you if they are not going to foot most of the bill and help you with hosting duties, so I wouldn't care what they think.

159159

Thanks everyone.  When you are in the situation it is hard to tell if I am over stepping or if she is.  I just wish I knew before I said I want to give her a shower that it meant the size of a wedding.  I think I will see about backing out and telling her to let his side of the family handle it.  

159159

One last question, I think she wants me to talk her back in to a shower.  Her last message to me  was " I feel so bad about this and it has hurt my heart so much I don't want a shower now."  So I guess I am going to try and talk her into a shower that her mother in law can throw for her.  Because it may sound crappy of me but I don't want to give her a shower any more.  

VOR

159159 said:

One last question, I think she wants me to talk her back in to a shower.  Her last message to me  was " I feel so bad about this and it has hurt my heart so much I don't want a shower now."  So I guess I am going to try and talk her into a shower that her mother in law can throw for her.  Because it may sound crappy of me but I don't want to give her a shower any more.  

do not, I repeat, do NOT play this game with her. She's trying to make you feel guilty. Stand firm. "Sis - my offer stands. I'm willing to throw a shower for 30 people. Let me know what you want to do.". If she says "I don't want one at all!", just say "O.k. - well, if you change your mind and want what I can throw, let me know.". Because it's not on YOU to put it on her MIL. If her MIL has offered, then this wouldn't be an issue, would it? Don't get involved, don't play this game.

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ghwheeler

Thanks guys you have all really helped me out on this and now I can stop bugging my poor husband about what i should do.  Thanks again for your time.

mamayo26

Another thought...yes your sister sounds like she is playing you a bit...but if a joint party is the way her dh's family does it could you ask the MIL to help host the shower? Is that away for everyone to get what they want? Just a thought. ..although a shower with 65 is a lot especially if she plans to open all the gift at the party...I went to one with 30 women and it was too much.

Pix3lle

Can i just say i don't understand how someone can have 65 people they definitely have to invite to a shower or similar event!
Close family and friends surely wouldn't go over 20-30.

I wouldn't feel guilty at all, from my point of view that's a pretty unreasonable number of guests.

fallingleaves5

I know you offered but she seems like she's taking advantage of the situation. Tell her to shorten the guest list. She can have two showers. You can do one and the other one can be by the MIL (if she wants to). I would never want to go to a baby shower with 60+ guests. It would probably be the longest shower ever

LoveLee85

I haven't read all the comments yet, just your OP. Question: can you ask to co-host?? You and her MIL? We do lots of co-hosting in my family so that it doesn't single out just one persons wallet.

Saratiff

Your sister is brat and maybe needs to come on this bored and learn a thing or two about etiquette. There are plenty of people here to put her in her place.