PTSD at the RE (loss mentioned)

ronniesgirl1981

Anyone else feel like they are getting PTSD at the RE? The smell of the building, the long walk down the hallway...I feel like this is how it must feel to go to jail or something. I have such a feeling of loathing and unease whenever I go there. I have to go back for my d&c and then I think I'll have to go for a follow-up blood test or u/s. I'm going to see if I can go to a satellite location or something. Or labcorp if it is just a blood test. We are cycling next with a new RE and I hope to make better memories there. Anyone else feel this way?

luvboston

Hugs, I def feel this way I can never go into my OBs u/s room without having a mini panic attack. I have so many bad memories dating back 4 years. I had all my IF scans there.

RunCC37

yes, I think we all have our areas of PTSD thanks to IF & loss. I thought mine was confined to the Petri dish (the time from ER to freeze/transfer) but after this cycle, I'd say it also extends to POAS & doctor phone calls. I literally answer the doctor's phone calls by saying, "Hello, is everything alright?" Oh, and pregnancy announcements. Let's not forget those have been ruined too.

hmz819

Add me to the list of those with IF PTSD. I hate it and I don't know how to stop it.

I think you have a great idea about getting lab orders and going to lab corp for blood draws because your clinic will probably want draws until hug is 0

ronniesgirl1981

@RunCC37‌ If I don't get a phone call precisely when I think I should, I literally fall apart. I will be on the verge of tears until the phone call comes. And I usually just watch it ring and then listen to the voicemail. @luvboston‌ I actually had a physical scheduled for this morning (I canceled, too invasive and too raw to discuss with him). But I was going to ask for a mild blood pressure medication because all doctor's visits make my BP soar. My PCP insists that my BP is fine (and it is in his office). It just adds stress to a stressful situation.

Twinkie0612

Not PTSD, but I don't know if I can ever go back to my last RE.  I just associate his office (at his private practice) with so much failure and negative feelings, especially after he pretty much gave up on us.  He flat out told me that he would only provide local monitoring if I need it, but he would not do anymore treatments for us.  I really don't have the same feelings about the clinic itself though.  Which is funny since he uses the same clinic I am at now for his IVFs.  I love the staff and nurses and my current RE who is the medical director at the clinic.   

I really hope that if we do end up moving on to donor eggs out of town, that my current RE will provide local monitoring.  I know my last RE would, but I just really never want to go back to his office again.

sorrellam30

At the end I was going to several different offices (same re) just because I couldn't go back to the office where all the nurses knew me anymore. I also fell to pieces when they didn't call on time. It's so hard. I'm sorry you have to feel this way

ronniesgirl1981

@Twinkie0612‌ I hear you. I can do my next baseline at my current clinic, but unless I can get in at a satellite clinic, I may drive 3 hours each way to do it at my new clinic. I also have this feeling of being judged or pitied. My surprise pregnancy was a bit of a hot topic at my clinic b/c of the id twins. I felt like everyone was watching us and knew what was going on. I wasn't charged for either of our no-heartbeat appts. You pay at the end, so this means that while I was getting dressed someone had to run out to the front to tell the girl not to charge us. It's a very nice gesture, but I keep thinking about it. I'm definitely ready for a change of scenery.

ronniesgirl1981

@sorrellam30‌ It only recently occurred to me that most women only spend a few months or a few cycles at the RE. But I feel like all of the nurses and techs and assistants know my name. It's just not the place where you want to be Norm from Cheers.

sorrellam30

I was trying to explain to my friend that my first ivf the nurses all talked to me and told me how successful I'd be, by the 5th-we literally didn't even make eye contact, just in and out. Idk why but it also felt like it added pressure to be done there so I didnt have to see pity eyes. It sucks. I'm really sorry

Twinkie0612

ronniesgirl1981 said:

@sorrellam30‌ It only recently occurred to me that most women only spend a few months or a few cycles at the RE. But I feel like all of the nurses and techs and assistants know my name. It's just not the place where you want to be Norm from Cheers.

I definitely understand everyone knowing your name.  This is my fifth cycle with this clinic (2nd with this RE) and all of the nurses and office staff know my name.  It doesn't help that I have also had a 2 SHGs, a hysteroscopy, and a endometrial biopsy in the last 4 months and they do all of my immune blood draws there.  I am in the office nearly once a week, sometimes multiple times in a week.

I am lucky that they are all really supportive and I never feel like they pity me.  My nurse has told me I should get a job there since I am so on top of all the infertility stuff.  When the girl in the front office commented on how fast my baseline was, I joked that I am a professional. 

mm29

I definitely have IF PTSD.  I wrote a blog post about it in August.  I think only those of us who have been on this journey for an extended period of time with failed cycle after failed had loss after loss experience it.  

IF is so freaking hard!!  (((Huge hugs))

DoublePortion

If you decided to have labs drawn at LabCorp, they have a patient portal. Oftentimes I'd be able to get results on there before hearing from my RE's nurse. Of course that meant I was checking the portal a million times a day, but it was better than waiting a few extra hours. Hugs.

saratrying

ME ME ME!! It it is crazy. I start to panic when I pull up. I can't sit in certain chairs, because I was sitting in "that chair" on X day I got bad news. It's crazy! But I'm so glad to know I am not alone.