Advise on anxiety issues.

Danni_Girl

I guess this is more for those who have experienced a loss...

But did anyone have anxiety issues? I know it is all still fresh, and it's probably coming up because of the holidays. But I'm finding myself very anxious about being in medium to large groups, even with friends.

Christmas dinner was spent at a friends house, and I was actually happy that Jo was sick and we didn't stay too long because I just couldn't take being around everyone.

There were random conversations that I knew would set me off, like talk about a friend planning to get pregnant. And even talk about prenatal vitamins (which was odd that set me off).. But it was just the setting in general. It was like I felt trapped. It was weird. I've never felt like this before.

Tonight we are getting together with the same group, pretty much just to get out, and I started randomly crying because I know I'm anxious about going. Jo messaged our friends to ask if they wouldn't talk baby talk stuff, but we will see. I hope they understand.

How did you all deal with it? I know I could just avoid groups, but it's not an option all the time.

Jazibel

I went to grab the laptop so I could write a quick response. Somehow hammering out stuff about sensitive issues on my phones keypad is always too frustrating.

First, and always I'm so sorry for your loss and so sorry that you are having this experience in your life.  Second, I experienced anxiety among many other things in recovering from my loss. In all honesty I will always be recovering.  Simply because before my loss I never thought a terrible thing could happen to me (naive I know, but I hadn't experience unwarranted loss, only consequences of personal actions previously).  Anyway each day after even though I have moved on and celebrate my life now, I will always have a piece of me that knows that feeling of utter desolation going from happily meandering life's road to pregnancy and family to complete nothingness. For me it started a war with my concept of God. I was so utterly angry, sad frightened. I know I don't need to provide the adjectives since you may be currently wading through your own reality of the aftermath. All of this left me worse than raw. I couldn't at times have the simplest interaction without feeling like I would float away. So anxiety - yes. I faced it in particular in being with people with whom I used to share laughter and joy with. My loss was in the end of June, in early August I went on a trip to Tahoe with friends and struggled through the whole trip. Trigger topics were off limits which I was grateful for - but it didn't change that fact that everything I did (shower, eat a sandwich, laugh) I did not pregnant when I was supposed to be pregnant....  I cried a lot that trip. Somehow being around people I loved made my heart hurt even more.  I'm not a crier. I also rarely share intimate feelings with friends. So this was revolutionary for me.... In someways is brought me closer to my friends and essentially to myself than I ever was before.

Now years later I can see that my loss changed me for the better. I learned to open up when I was able to keep things superficial before. I learned to love my concept of God despite and in spite of everything. And many other things.  But it took me as much time as it took me to recover. And I don't think I will ever completely heal and I don't know if I want to. That hole in heart belongs to baby #1. 

My advice, take it easy.  And maybe tuck away the idea that a week, a month, six months will be enough time to "get over it".  Slowly (and way too soon) other people move on and forget that the loss is still so real and present for those of us that are (or were) recovering.  Remind them gently that you still need more time, and more time after that. Smaller groups, one on one friend dates may feel more comfortable for a while. Feel free to take care of yourself, and to communicate or share as feels right.  

And we're here for you. Today, tomorrow and next year.  It doesn't ever go away, But it will slowly get better.  I can almost promise that...

HUGS

redrockmama

I haven't lost a baby, but I list my stepmom almost a year ago. For quite a long time (probably 3-4 months) I didn't do anything social. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go out and listen to all the small talk about things that didn't matter when I had lost someone so important to me. I think all of our friends understood. It's still hard now a year later.

I think it's good to take the space you need and ask people to respect boundaries about conversations and such. Hugs to you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to lose a baby.

healz413

Others have offered helpful suggestions about mindset, surroundings, etc so I will mention something else.
I don't know how you feel about medication but Ativan has been very valuable for me and Amanda in dealing with anxiety post loss. Even knowing that we have it at our disposal is often enough to make a situation feel less overwelming.
Many doctors prescribe Ativan to help with anxiety after a loss.

That and feel free to say no to things and cancel last minute or leave early. We still do that.

Sending love your way.

Danni_Girl

Thank you.

Tonight went smoothly, and I could tell my friends understood to keep conversation light and to also keep me occupied with other things.
Everyone was having some drinks, but I know I don't trust myself enough to have too much, otherwise I know I will go down hill fast.
We left early also, which is good.
It's nice to get out and have a change in scenery, not being constantly reminded of our loss.

I've got a mix of emotions right now because the one year anniversary of my dads death is coming up, and I haven't dealt with all those emotions yet as I was so separated from the situation and home. Living so far from my parents made it far too easy to almost forget he was gone. Because I hadn't seen him in almost a year to begin with before he passed, it was like I went home for a visit and not for the end of his life and funeral and he was still back home waiting for a call....

Anyway... Now I'm babbling. I just have so much going through this head of mine...

You are all awesome. Thank you so much for your help.

ball.and.chain

Are you or have you considered seeing a therapist? I was already in therapy before my first loss, dealing with infertility-related stress and anxiety, but I don't know how I would have gotten through my losses without it. Your OB may be able to recommend someone with expertise in this area, or you could check resolve.org - they have lists of mental health practitioners who have experience with infertility, but unfortunately there is a lot of overlap. Since you are also dealing with other losses, it seems like getting help with all of it could be beneficial.

I was also diagnosed with depression after my first loss and went on Prozac, because it is considered safe while TTC and pregnant (I was on it throughout my pregnancy with my son and he has had no issues). Though it is not an anti-anxiety drug, it can help with symptoms of anxiety. You may not need meds but it's good to know they are available if you get to that place.

I imagine this is a particularly hard time to be dealing with all of this. Try to take care of yourselves and each other and feel free to lean on us.

Danni_Girl

I have been to a therapist once so far and will be seeing her again in Jan. Even the first session was helpful. She should be a good match for me too as she had lost a baby at 25 weeks, so she has experienced the same thing.

I guess I should chalk this up to everything being so fresh. I'm still very hormonal, and even pretty depressed about the fact that I am two sizes larger and do not have a baby. So that's effecting me right now. But I would expect all that right now...

Amber&Reva

All the advice I can offer is to know that it is okay to feel however you feel and to not let anyone tell you when you should be feeling better.  I got 6 weeks off before returning back to work and I still vividly remember the stress of returning to work I cried the entire car ride in.   The first month (plus) I really had no desire to see anyone because I have the need to be "on" when I am with company and being "on" just involved more energy then I had.  I just wanted to have time to myself.  I know this isn't really advice on how to deal with the anxiety just more saying it is 100% okay to be experiencing it.  Take all the time alone that you need and don't feel obligated to be ready to be around people in any certain length of time.