Am I overreacting? Need a little help.

Danni_Girl

poss triggers in here for some, I'm not sure...

I'm not sure if it's the hormones, if I'm overreacting, just overwhelmed in general or what. But I'm finding myself very upset with Jo's family right now.

We knew for a little while that Jo's brother and wife were maybe, possibly, thinking about having another baby. This info came about the same time we found out Baby Girl was super sick.

Then today, my sister in law and her mother went to a median they go to about once a year and she was told another child was seen and it was a girl. So she started talking to my mother in law about it and saying they might try for another baby...

Well then my MIL and Jo were on skype and she tells Jo about all of this and gets talking about how they might have another child and how she was fine with that because she will take as many grand kids as she can get and blah blah blah...

To me, this felt like a kick in the teeth. We are not even 2 weeks into losing our daughter and we are being told like its nothing, that they are thinking of having a 3rd child. Like its just another day, and just some random information.

It feels like both of our families are in a way, sweeping everything unde the rug. I get there are a lot of things going on right now with both famlies. My dads 1 year anniversary from his death is coming up, Jo's mother lost both her parents within the last year and a bit. And now Jo's dads mother is super sick and in the hospital and they don't know what is going to happen with her.

So there has been a lot of pain in our family this year and a half, so I get others have things going on. But it feels like because our daughter never actually 'lived' and no one met her, that she doesn't matter.

Ugh.... I'm sorry if these is a pitty party. But does anyone have advice or anything?

Amber&Reva

For a very long time after losing Brynlee I avoided friends with babies, all talk of babies, and just withdrew.  You need time to heal and at two weeks it is still a very fresh wound.  From experience you haven't even physically healed yet let alone emotionally healing.  It is very insensitive of your family to be bringing up talk of another baby in the family knowing of your recent loss. 

Sadly I also found that it is very difficult for most people that haven't experienced a loss themselves to know how to react to it.  To know what they can and can't(shouldn't) say.  I would tell them that it is to soon for you to be involved in conversations like this and ask for them to respect your need for time to heal. 

bfonz619

I am sorry you are experiencing this on top of healing mentally and physically from your loss.  @amber&reva said it perfectly.  It is incredibly insensitive for your family or anyone for that matter to bring up the subject of another baby without regard for how it could affect you.  Take care and give yourself time, and if that means keeping your distance for awhile then so be it.  Right now, what is most important is you being able to recover and grieve your loss.

ATXmommas

I am so, so sorry this happened. I don't think you are overreacting for being hurt and upset. There were many things that triggered me following the loss of our baby who had T18.

My SIL (brother's wife) announced her (fourth) pregnancy about 6 weeks after our loss (she was already pregnant when we found out he was ill). Although they did approach the announcement delicately, a couple things happened afterwards that put me in a tailspin. For example, my little sister announced very excitedly that she was going to be an aunt again on Facebook. It was hurtful to me, even though I knew she had every right to be excited and that it was not a reflection of her sadness for our loss. I remember that really ripped me up inside. To make it worse, one of my aunts (who did not know about my loss), made a comment about this baby being healthy and perfect just like my nephews. I remember calling my dad sobbing to him when that happened.

And then over the next few months I was hurt just by the fact that no one talked to me about the loss; it was like it never happened for them. In retrospect, I can appreciate that they were treading difficult waters too. It's not that they forgot, but it was really difficult for them to know what I needed from them (partly because I couldn't quite articulate what I needed). It can be really difficult to talk to someone about their loss - I try to remind myself of that when someone I know loses someone (a baby, a parent, a sibling, etc) and I don't know what to say. I'm better able now to cut my family some slack because they were just as clueless as sometimes I can be at anticipating how someone wants to acknowledge or discuss their loss or grief.

That said, if you are able to articulate what you need from your family, I think it's important to have that conversation if you feel that it would be productive or beneficial. I really think that most people have good intentions, but honestly just don't know how to respond to people who are experiencing such extreme grief. And like PPs have said, if what you need right now is space, you are entitled to it.

And, I want to let you know again that although I don't know you personally, I can say that will all sincerity my heart aches for your loss.

2MamazInSeattle

Ug. I think PP said it fantasically. I'll chime in that I think/agree that people don't realize what they're doing. And, I think when they don't "see" the baby somehow its hard for them to remember he or she was real.

My dad was a coroner and funeral director. He held many funerals for stillborn babies. He, of all people, has a very string belief you're a mother at conception (he happens to also be pro-life). When I lost my baby at 16w he showed up for me in a way I didn't expect. But, had his step-daughter whom he adores gotten KU'd that week, he'd have sung it from the rooftops. I don't think he'd get how utterly related those two things would be.

If you can share in an honest way "hey, it's still a little rough for me right now to hear baby stuff...I'm sorry, it's just how its shaking out for me." I tried to not make it too heavy so people could meet me 1/2 way and most did.

Anyhow, I'm so so sorry. I think you'll find anyone whose lost a baby will get it, and most who haven't just do their best. Big hugs.

trisholio

I've not lost a child, but I wanted to chime in and offer support. I would encourage you to feel and process your emotions and don't feel the need to act or feel a certain way for certain people. People don't think of how their actions effect others. I've also found when people don't know what to say they don't say anything, and that can be hurtful. I wish you peace, healing and support. Hugs

KH826

You are definitely not overreacting. I have not been there, so I will defer to the wisdom of PPs, but I also just wanted to offer support. Keeping you in my thoughts...

healz413

I don't have any expert wisdom, but I wanted to send love and support your way. PP's got it right. You're not overreacting. We are 6 months out from losing our twins and that sort of thing would really affect us and send us into a tailspin. You have every right to feel hurt and outraged by how your family handled everything. 

My hope for you, and for everyone who has experienced loss, is that over time their friends and family will come to understand how to be supportive and thoughtful. In my experience, it takes a lot of telling people very specifically what you need and why you need it. Email can be helpful for this because it gives you a chance to compose your thoughts and it gives the person reading it a chance to really take in and reflect on what you've said rather than jumping to a knee jerk defensive reaction.

Danni_Girl

Thank you so much.
You all helped in so many ways.
Both Jo and I have been overly sensitive to everything going on, myself even more so it seems.
Jo and I talked about how I was feeling and she put my mind at ease. I had a much better day today. I know I will have many ups and downs, and I am very thankful for the support.